8 yr old pushing me over the edge

[sadnog]

Not sure if I'm in the right place but I need some help before I go insane. I am having problems with my DD who is 8. She has severe learning difficulties at school (3 years behind herself)is on school action plus and is currently in the process of being statemented. She has been assessed by an Ed Psych and also seen by complex communications specialist. What I need help with though is her behaviour at home. She has terrible mood swings and throws herself into a tantrum at the drop of a hat. It can be started by anything from a pen not working to dropping a toy in the dirt. She instantly starts screaming and crying, kicking her legs and flapping her hands, sometimes hitting me, constantly repeating "mum" but when I ask her whats wrong she just looks at me and carries on crying saying "mum" over and over. I can't get her to use words to explain herself. This can go on for any anount of time, sometimes up to an hour. She will also start saying "sorry" in between the "mum" but won't accept that saying it once is enough, she just keeps repeating herself. I can't console her and she won't let you help her. She pulls away and stiffens if you try to hug her. This can happen several times a day over minor things. Getting her dressed in a morning is also a battle as she kicks her legs and rolls into a ball to avoid you putting her clothes on. It is affecting everyone in the house. My fiance can't stand being around her, he says it's like "Chinese water torture"! My Son hides himself in his room when she starts and gets very upset. I am not coping at all well with her and do not enjoy being a mum or spending time around her. I find being with her very stressful as I'm treading on eggshells incase she kicks off again. I cry most days and feel like a complete failure as a parent. Please help, I really am at my wits end.

Forgot to say that she was diagnosed with ADHD, just over a year ago and we tried medication which had a negative affect on her. Then a different Paed saw her and felt that ADHD was an incorrect diagnosis and referred her back to the Ed Psych.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel....my DD is 6 and has "global development delay" (basically a term they've come up with as they don't know what's wrong). Her speech is limited, has low muscle tone and has underactive thyroid. she was late in all her milestones, didnt start walking til she was over 2, cant walk long distances so going out is a nightmare as she will only go as far as SHE wants to and if we try to get her to carry on just a few steps she goes complete mad, doing exactly what your DD does. DD gets blood taken every 6 months for her thyroid levels and going to the hospital in itself is stressful, as soon as she gets to the car park she is going mental. We cant even take her to health centre, dentist or even to get her hair cut!!! Days out shopping or even activities that may please her as stressful as you get totally stressed at a) wondering if they are going to kick off and b) that people will be staring and tutting or commenting on how you handle the situation. I am quite outspoken when it comes to my child and her difficulties so I deal with those ignorant people very polietly so they get the picture! I also made up little cards as if done by my daughter saying who she is, what's wrong with her, what she dislikes eg. loud noises, strange places ie doc surgeries and for them to have some respect for people with difficulties. I don't know any different with my DD as she is my only one so I suppose if I had a "normal" (hate that term ) child it may be different and alot more stressful knowing what it should be like! I don't really have any advice or can tell you what to do but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you are not a complete failure as a parent. Things will get better. My friends say I have the patience of a saint, but when it's your child that you love, you do and you get that inner strength to deal with it. Take care anyway, Jill

PS what really struck me about your thread was the fact your DD keeps repeating herself with "mum"....that's all mines does, constantly, and people keep saying "I'm not your mummy"....that winds me up too!!

Thanks Jill. That's the other thing that gets you down, you feel like you're the only one that has these problems. My DD did all the right things in early years, walking when she was 12 months, talking etc, didn't notice anything wrong really until she started school. My DS was very forward with his learning so I used to compare her to him but as time went on in school I knew she was falling behind. When i questioned it in the early years the teachers would say it was normal as her birthday falls in May and she is one of the younger ones in the year. It really became apparent she was struggling when she was in year 2. That's when I asked for her to be seen by a community Paediatrician. It's also about this time that her behaviour at home started to deteriorate. It's got worse in the last 6 - 12 months and every day is battle. I have to say that my patience doesn't sound as good as yours and I seem to lose it more easily these days. I find that I am taking more long soaks in the bath than ever before! Trouble is I don't want to come out of the bathroom as I don't know what to expect from her next!

My DD is at a mainstream school but has a really good additional support needs base and the education board have granted that she have a co-ordinated support plan for this year and then review it for next term. She has speech therapy once a week within school also. They even learnt Makaton when she started school last year and now all the children do it as a way of communicating with her.

I lose my patience with the best of them and that's when she know's she's pushed me too far. I'm glad I work full time if I'm honest. I love spending time with her don't get me wrong but I love getting out of the house and being "me"....I'm up at 5.30am, out for 7.30am and home just after 5pm and if she is in a mood when I pick her up from after-school club then my whole day of being "me" has just been forgotten and it's back to the tantrums. Guilt is a big thing...."if only's" and "what if's" always crop up in my head but basically it's what I've been dealt and I've got to deal with it. We have no family nearby to help out either.....just glad there is Rose wine and Jack Daniels

You have my sympathies! I know what you mean about feeling a failure as a parent!
I too have begged for help with behaviour management because there seems so little out there. We eventually were seen by CAMHS (after a 4 year wait), but I think we have found our own way by then ( Ds is 9 has mod/sev LD, ADHD and autism the latter only Dxed last year at age 8).There are 2 things that have helped 1) changing to a sympathetic sn school where the enviroment is less stressful and staff have the experience to cope (this has impacted hugely on our home life also - fewer melt downs and sn school deal with behaviour at school themselves) and 2) getting the autism dx because that has allowed me to better understand why he reacts the way he does which helps with stratagies. A dx also helps me to stop blaming myself.
I have found the local MENCAP to be helpful - although it is very branch dependent. ( My local Mencap supports only adults but the next nearest branch has an active childrens section - clubs afterschool clubs - parent courses - advocacy - money advice- I burst into tears when I found them!!)They will hopefully know if there are any saturday clubs available - a lot of sn clubs start at age 8 and can really help children (who perhaps struggle with clubs)start to develop a social life away from home. Do you know about DLA - ( I mention it because I didn't and it can help pay for the sort of things that are needed to make life bearable). Just chatting to other parents who are going through similar struggles can be helpful. Take care Magso

She has seen an OT but they say they don't need to see her anymore, they gave her special cutlery to help her gross motor skills but that was it!!

A reward chart is a good idea, think I'll try that cause honestly, every school morning is a nightmare, I do still dress her even though she trys but by the time i'm going to work I'm knackered!

My DD loves everything to do with her senses....she smells EVERYTHING!!! Hair is her favourite. I know if she is comfortable with someone cause she asks to smell their hair, sometimes the person is taken aback but I explain and they are fine with it! Water is another fav.....the teacher asked her to come away from the water tray one day to get ready for gym, she wouldn't so the teacher tried to take her away and my DD bit her....oops! A very determined little madam and I think that's what makes it frustrating for her, bless.

Thank you magso, yes I am aware of DLA and I do get it for DD. A few people have mentioned CAMSH to me and I have4 considered seeing my GP for a referral. I just want to know that it is not just my bad parenting skills that have made her behave this way! When you have two children with problems you start to wander what you've done wrong! Lovechild, something you said about your DDs sense of smell struck me, my DD also is sensitive about smell but in a way that she doesn't like things to smell dirty, she is obsessed by things smelling new and also being clean. If one of her cuddly toys gets a little bit of dirt on it she goes nuts. Also I have tried Reward charts but they only work for a short period of time and then she gets bored of them.

No, it's not your parenting skills at all, stop being hard on yourself.

DDs sense of smell....it ranges from like I said smelling hair and pillows, clothes clean AND dirty, everything really....think it's her way of getting a 'feel' for things and cause she cant communicate very well she knows what smell is 'safe'.....i dont know, im just speculating!

Mornings are hard for us too - I am not at my best (or calmest) either! Ds says sorry over and over ( but does it anyway) - it can be wearing!!Its so tiring having to be constantly inventive and upbeat all the time. I have found it helpful when we have gone throughbad patches to choose no more than 2 behaviours to target - say getting dressed (major one needs step by step approach)and clearing away plate after tea ( small one - easy to get sticker). My ds can be quite competative for short periods so reacts well to seeing if he can get dressed (initially with lots of support/ prompting/ noticing when each little step acheived) to beat the timer. Ds likes stickers - which I rescue at night and stick on the calender/ star chart.At present I am targeting going upstairs to get dressed for school (ds will do anything to stay in his comfy pjs!!) and that is rewarded now he can just about manage the dressing with a lttle tv before school - if he dressed in time. I try to find lots of opportunities for praise/ noticing good or desirable behaviour. And when we have had a particularly difficult time I try to give ds little jobs he likes and can do well to feel good about himself and valued (he likes washing/shredding lettice for instance not essentual but tactile and soothing and it contributes! It also allows us to work alongside each other in a companiable way IKWIM.

I'd just like to say thanks to all who have responded this evening. I was feeling extremely low earlier but as the saying goes "it's good to talk". I was getting a little fed up of people telling me she just needs discipline or as one person replied to me on another forum "she needs a good smack"!

I hate mornings and bedtimes! Mornings I can just about deal with as I know I have to go to work til 5pm but bedtimes are a mare! She goes to bed at 6.30 but ends up getting up loads through the night....we've tried Sleep Clinic, Melatonin blah blah blah.....still no use! So that's stressful and draining when you dont get enough sleep...........

OMFG....did someone honestly say that?!!

I must say it's been good for me too tonight as this is the first time I've posted on this, just usually use it for browsing so thanks Sadnog.....

Thankfully thats one area that we don't have a problem with DD. 99% of the time she goes to bed with no problem and sleeps through till morning. Hasn't always been that way though, only last 2 years. Before that she would constantly wake through the night and come into my bed or I would have to sit by her bed until she was asleep, so I sympathise with how hard sleepless nights are.

That's what we do at the moment, sit with her til she falls asleep but then she gets up and through to our room. At the moment she is in our room sleeping on the floor....we think that she will soon get fed up of it and want to go back to her own bed....feel really bad about it but I NEED SLEEP!!!

Thought we had it sorted as from 3 weeks old she slept right through the night til she was 2 1/2 when we moved house and she hasn't slept right through since, she is now 6.

No problem Lovechild and Yes someone did actually say that! You can imagine my horror as it was the first time I had used a forum and I was really desperate for advice. Have really enjoyed talking with you, it's good to know there are other mums out there who understand and don't just criticise.

Yip, I totally understand. I would never critisise anyones parenting as we all have our own ways and views. The only critisism I get from my friends are that I wrap my DD up in cotton wool......my reply "and"????

If you ever need to chat again, you know where I am!

Of course you need sleep, how are you supposed to cope without it. I used to get up every time DD came in to my room and put her back in her bed but after 3 or 4 times you just think it, i need sleep and you give in and have them in your bed. Funny enough what eventually worked for my DD was a star chart! I even tried the plug in things that you can buy in Boots which gives out a lavender fragrance supposedly inducing sleep. The first night I used it she slept right through, I couldn't believe it, needless to say it didn't last long and within a week things were back to normal. I hope bedtimes with your DD get better soon.

hahaha I've tried those plug in thingys from Boots!! think I'll try a star chart. We tried putting her banky next to her bed and everytime she slept through she got to put 50p in it....alas she slept through that night so in the 50p went, then it's never happened again!!! LOL.....

Good luck with the star chart, let me know how you get on. Thanks for the chat, will let you get some sleep now, but would like to keep in touch if that's OK. Have got a lot out of tonight and have actually smiled a few times!

Sorry cross posted. Don't blame your parenting skills - standard good parenting skills work well for 'standard' children but some children needs are more specific so our parenting skills need to be more specific and specialised. The not knowing/ blaming yourself stage is very difficult. Getting a dx ( whatever that is in each case) although devastating at the time was helpful because I stopped blaming my parenting. Ds is the same child he was before the dx- what has changed is me and the knowledge I did not cause it. Going througth the statementing process is stressful too - all those deadlines and you have to be so organised and on your toes.
Odd you should mention smell - ds can be very sensitive to smells and one of ds rewards can be sniffing the spice jars ( star anise yummy).
Ds gets bored with reward charts too so we have to ring the changes, ie change stratagies. I sometimes find instant unexspected rewards (a grab bag with little treasures to choose one from) after doing as asked for instance will work between charts. I bought up a load of advent callenders last year to act as reward charts ( for medicine taking before teeth)- and to help with day passing awareness.
Ds was Dxed with autism after being seen by CAMHS. It has been useful in that I can now access the Help 2 courses run by the NAS - anger management, meeting sensory needs, and I hope to go on the toileting needs one soon ( dont ask!!) we are now seeing a child psychologist for behaviour advice- who again has helped by acknowleging how well we have done (rather than blaming as his first school did). I was very worried about seeing CAMHS - I wanted practicle help not blame. It is too early to say if the advice is helping.

This is late for me, didnt realise the time!! 7 hours and I'm up....joy!

No problem, it's been good chatting, getting things out! Yes it would be good to keep in touch.

Jill

When you say "day passing awareness" what do you mean? My DD has trouble understanding time scales, for example she doesn't comprehend "tomorrow" or "next week". If on a Monday I told her we were going swimming on Wednesday she wouldn't understand that it was in two days time. She uses her fingers to represent days, ie: points at a finger and says "on this day" and then she will keep asking the same question. And Yes the statementing process is so frustrating! Why does it take so long? Each day that passes is another day that she is falling behind and suffering for not getting enough of the right help.