Too nervous of eldest child with Aspergers to praise younger children when they've really worked hard at something

[Wills]

Not sure anyone's up but am really having difficulty sleeping......
Today my middle (non aspergic) daughter (she's turned 5 in August) started at a new school (year 1) because its closer to my oldest daughter?s school (the one with Aspergers) and will hopefully reduce the pressures on me etc. She was incredibly brave about the whole thing and whilst being nervous remained resolutely determined to see the good side of things until the last moment when she finally had to walk into her new class room. At which point I gave her a big cuddle told her I loved her and pushed her in hoping it was the best thing to do. I was incredibly proud of her yet didn?t say a thing to her at all or make any kind of fuss of her lest her sister realize and explode in either anger or depression that we somehow love the middle child more than her. Yet now at ten to midnight I?m really upset that my 5 year old has to permanently do without praise because her parents can?t bear to antagonize her 8 year old sister.

I'm considering taking them all out for dinner this Friday for a treat (MD's or Pizza express etc) to celebrate how brave she's been but I know this will cause enormous ructions in the older one who will not cope with dd2 having any attention whatsoever. dd1 will genuinely feel that we don't love her and therefore resent/hate her sister for the attention she gets. But at the same time it feels awful to be raising other children to whom I can't lavish love simply because it will upset the oldest one. Any tips on how to handle this one.

Just for information we moved the aspergic eldest one (dd1) to a new school at the beginning of the academic year because they were more set up to handle her aspergers. Whilst she had cried virtually every day when coming home from her previous school and normally seems very happy at this new school who are bending over backwards to accomodate her she is nonetheless determined to punish us for making her change and never says a good word about it to us. (although to anyone else she talks so amiditely that its obvious that she must be happy).

My experience is that relationships are easier with AS people when you explain why you do certain things, rather than expect them to understand or get used to them.

That is, "Tonight, we are going out to Pizza Express, because DD2 has had a tough time adjusting to her new school and was so brave. This is because children need encouragement when taking on new challenges" etc.

It might help with the jealousy if you try (harder) to give DD1 the same encouragement, treats, etc although she doesn't appear to need them. For example, couldn't you have done this Pizza treat for DD1 as well because she settled so well at her new school? (Even though she didn't say anything positive about it)

Alternatively, I think it would be an idea to present this Pizza treat as a celebration of how brave both girls have been in their new schools. DD1 wouldn't be jealous. DD2 would get the praise she deserves.

That is a really good point cote...i have to keep reminding myself to do that with ds.He may still strop or not want to go...but he will do it if given a reason.

Just wanted to add Wills ( re-read my first post and it seemed a little cold !)...that you are not alone in having those days/weeks (months occasionally on my part) when everything goes badly and we feel like we are failing everyone ...don't be so hard on yourself.
And sometimes part of me rebels too...and i get frustrated on behalf of everyone else in the household who has to accommodate ds and his compulsions/needs.