AIBU to feel annoyed at the ASBO comments????????????

[BONKERZ]

DH reckons im being over sensitive, I dont know if i am!

You may know that my DS who is 8 has ASD and ODD and is in a special school after being excluded from 2 MS schools.

DHs family, mainly SIL (who is a teacher!) and FIL have started to call DS an ASBO boy!

For a while i thought it was funny but the longer its gone on the more i realise they really do think DS is heading that way! What makes it worse is i still dont know how to handle his behaviour so end up crying if he has a meltdown and we are at MILs house as im fed up of feeling like a failure.
The ASBO comments just make me feel like they think im making excuses for DS.

Thing is i have noticed there is less tolerence for DS lately and have stopped taking DS round to MIL if other nephews and nieces are there as DS cannot cope.

Whats more worrying is that SIL is getting married later this month and im dreading it. Have had to have discussions with SIL about DS wearing black trainers to the wedding as he will not wear shoes and have asked SIL to seat me and DH on a table near a door incase we have to remove DS but she is not happy with this as seating plan means we are in middle of big room on a central table which will make it awkward to remove DS is he is struggling - which he will! - obviously me and DH are trying to find ways of helping DS on the day (borrowing a DS so he can lose himself!, Using money and star charts for immediate and over the top praise on the day etc)

i think im just feeling very fragile at the moment about DS and feel i am not capable of handling him in certain situations and the ASBO comments are doing nothing to help with my confidence.
SIL did make a comments tonight about me (in her words) ASBO son and i said i thought she had typed it wrong and did she mean ASD/ODD son and she signed out of MSN.

Sorry for the rant!

Not at all, think your family are being incredibly mean.

Hi, don't know what ODD is but i think they are very unfeeling and i would seat yourselves near the door as i can imagine your DS is not going to feel too happy in the middle of a noisy room and that will make it harder for him and you.

They are showing incredible ignorance with their ridiculous comments.

Can your DH not speak to them about it and point out that neither of you wish to hear them speaking about your DS in that way?

Don't know if you do {hugs} Bonkerz, but you sound like you could do with one.
I understand about feeling fragile and unable to cope.
I don't think you are being over sensitive at all -I would be totally p'd off if my family used that term. If it's any consolation, I think many people who do not have first hand experience of SN fail to realise how hard it can be at times.
Do you feel able to have a kind of 'talk' with your SIL? I had to do that with PILs recently, to explain how we were struggling at times and how much dd1's SN took over our lives at times.

I really hope the wedding goes well for you.
Take care

I would be very annoyed if it were my in laws making those comments. They are very uncalled for, and I can only imagine the comments make things worse.

My ds2 is only 3, and I often get upset when he has a meltdown.

You need some support from them, not comments like this. Can you get your OH to speak to them, as they need to know how you feel, without is causing too much conflict.

you are so not being oversensitive. your dh needs to stand up for his boy.

Dh is good, he just thinks they are saying it as a joke and says i should just say something, im at the point now though that if i say something i may explode which isnt good with the wedding of the century coming up in 2 weeks!

What annoys me most is SIL is a teacher who had a child in her class who had Oppositional Defiant Disorder like DS so i would have thought out of everybody SIL would understand!

FIL has always been unable to cope with DS but in his defence i have not heard him say this asbo thing for a while but i believe its being used behind my back by FIL, SIL and BIL too. None of them hide their impatience when it comes to DS.

One of my closest friends said, when J had his autism dx, 'oh, well that's much better than before, now he's got that as well as the ADHD - autism's so much more socially acceptable as people believe it's real'

While I could see what she was saying, as it's a sad fact that ADHD gets a shite press, I was not happy.

People are even worse about ODD because it's not a biological or developmental disorder, but really your SIL should know better and you need to tell her!

I would wait till after the wedding or you'll get the guilt forever over 'you ruined my wedding by upsetting me before it' but definitely say something - perhaps in writing as it's less likely to turn into a row as then she might turn it into a 'SIL is having a go at me' thing rather than what it is - her being ignorant.

Or write to her beforehand if you can't wait.

I find it much easier to do it in writing cos am liable to fly off the handle in person!

Thing is, she probably doesn't realise it's upsetting you and will probably be mortified when she realises how much her 'joke' is hurting you. Hope so anyway. Poor you xx

thnks everyone, Dh reckons if SIL knew it was upsetting me she would be mortified! I wont mention it before the wedding unless it comes up on the hen weekend next weekend! You never know few cocktails and we may laugh about it!

Now how about ideas to help DS get through this wedding......
Its a huge bash in a posh hotel, sit down meal and about 100 to main day bit then 300 in evening.

Ideas so far are to borrow a DS (wont let DS have one as he loses himself) thought this may help him on day but am worried about completely losing him so thought about a structure card with specific times he can play on it. Also thought about using a star card and giving him 5p per star and making sure this small reward is used alot during the day. Im not sure if these are good ideas or not and i dont want DS to think this can happen all the time and intend to start talking about what he should expect on the day etc. Was wondering if i should use the traffic light system too so he has a red/amber/green card so he doesnt have to talk to us he can just have the card in front of him depending on how he is feeling.
any other ideas????

Surely it wouldn't hurt for your ds to sit on the table you want for him and wear the trainers. The wedding is for one day, having things not exactly as they want it to be isn't going to cause the collapse of their marriage for crying out loud .

Does the money actually mean anything to him? I mean, is it an immediate reward to him if he can't actually do anything with it? Could he earn something more concrete like the time on the DS for example if he copes with say 10 mins well then he earns DS time.

Traffic light system sounds good, perhaps for you too to show him as a non-verbal sign e.g green - doing well and yellow warning him that he's losing it.

I wrote J a social story for a friend's christening and it worked really well. Too well! I'd banged on in the social story about not speaking at all during the ceremony and the person doing the ceremony was all informal and tried to involve J in it, as he was the only child there apart from the one being christened, and J refused to talk at all as the social story had said he couldn't! Worth a try.

ooo forgot about social story! did that on my course may give it ago!
the money thing is cos he seems to be motivated by that at the moment and wants a new wii game so is saving hard!!!!!

just to make it a bit harder, my band often plays at weddings and we always end up waiting because the formal part (dinner, speeches) always starts late and then overruns even more, so you need to factor that in. we get bored rigid let alone an 8 year old. personally I think it is perfectly permissible for him to leave the table before it is all finished. and those black trainers, maybe you should not have mentioned it, who would notice that an 8 year old is wearing sporty back shoes?

Bonkerz

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. It sounds like you are trying to manage your son's behaviour the best way you can - you have identified a number of strategies to use during your SIL's wedding and tbh it doesn't sound like anyone is supporting you.

Your SIL needs to stop being so precious - I can imagine how stressful this is for you and you are definitely not being oversensitive about your in-laws calling your son, ASBO son - perhaps they are so wrapped up in the wedding that they don't actually realise how stressful things are for you.

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. "ASBO boy" isn't exactly a term of affection is it? I don't think your dh is being very fair in expecting you to be the one to stand up to them each time. It's his side of the family so I really think the message will need to come from him initially, with both of you reminding people not to say it of they still carry on.

I wouldn't have thought the trainers would be a big problem tbh. I know that when I was doing the dreaded school shoes shopping for my two boys it was often hard to tell which were 'proper' shoes and which ones were trainers.

The wedding sounds like a nightmare situation tbh. I know that rearranging seating plans will be a pain but surely SIL would prefer ds to be able to make a hasty exit if things get difficult than have a meltdown on a central table?

I don't think you are being oversensitive at all. Knowing that people are commenting about an aspect of your child that you and he cannot help is not good.

My 8 yr old (no SEN) would really struggle at a formal wedding. He's really well behaved little boy most of the time but I think it would be bloody hard work just keeping him occupied and not being a pain. Then add on your son's complex sen . . . Don't take this the wrong way Bonkerz but is it absolutely essential that he is there for the whole shebang? could he go for part of the event - say just the ceremony, the photos and the main part of the meal and then go home????? I am speaking as the wife of the husband who, half way through an evening do, decided he was bored and went with a group of other chaps to have a meal in an Indian takeway leaving us women to it!
I just think that formal weddings are bloody boring and tedious sometimes for adults let alone for children.

I think re the seating, I would lay it on the line with your SIL and say you can sit in the middle but she risks your son having a full blown screaming meltdown in the middle of the do or you could sit by the door so if necessary he could be whisked out. My chap was still having full blown screamers at aged 8 and I would have felt very very wary at being in so public a view. Do you think SIL has a hidden agenda in that she is really hoping that you will leave son at home (who with?) or am I being too mean here. Also - is this a possibility for you - after all your son probablly doesn't care two hoots about the wedding and you could explain his absence to people by saying he has flu. I have to say I might well have taken this option with DS1 at that age given it is such a big posh do but then I'm a wimp so don't think badly of me.

Is he enjoying his new school? How is it all going.

All the best.

Unfortunately DS has been given the role of page boy so has to attend the day bit and in the evening its less formal disco which he will enjoy as long as he is allowed to dance in a safe area away from others!!! There will be noone to have DS either as everyone will be at the wedding and its a long way from home! Although my MIL has a room booked at the hotel so will ask MIL if i can use her room for DS if it gets too much!

Thanks for asking flying mum, DS is loving school, his behaviour is better at home although obviously we have had holidays which means its all gone pear shaped! He has had a full SALT assessment and loads of issues have been found and are being dealt with!

He'll look very cute as a page boy. I think you could be in store for some proud mummy moments. I would go with the DS option. What do you mean when you say 'he loses himself in it' If he is just sat quitely playing with the DS during the posh bit of the do then that's perfectly OK and I think pretty accepted 'in the youth of today' and people won't really turn any hairs.

Really glad that school's going well. Doesn't it make a difference when they are happy. I can't believe how much easier life is now I'm not constantly battling with DS1 to get him to conform to a system that he couldn't ever conform to. My only problem is that his academic levels in some subjects have very dramatically gone down and so I am going to have to take cudgels up with the Science where he seems to now be scoring the same as he did in Infant school which given that he got level 4 at KS2, is a bit pissoffing. I'm not sure what is going on. He's not brain of britain but then the level they have given him would indicate that he's got global difficulties - and he's not he's just ASD, dyspraxic and dyslexic and a bit slow on the uptake given all of that going on! Science was always his best subject. AND the bloody food tech woman has given him P7 as a level for food tech - he can make risotto from scratch and has been able to cook scrambled eggs on his own since the age of 9. What the hell is she on????? Surely P7 is just knowing the difference between meat and a vegetable or something. So got to be grumpy on the phone tomorrow and I'm getting stressed already.
Back to the wedding though instead of my chunter - the idea of a social story is brill. Also is it worth phoning his school because someone there might be able to talk him through some stuff as well or they might be able to weave in some emotional literacy stuff about weddings and family gatherings into a lesson - I know I'd do that for my kids I teach in the unit I work in - it wouldn't take much prep.

Does he like reading? Could he have a book or two for a little while? Or does he like listening to music on an MP3 player. All things that my DS would cope at such an event using. TBH I think the DS is a great plan and would take one myself - it is only for one day and in a specific environment so I don't think your DS would expect it at home - particularly if you worked it into the social story. And I've seen lots of children at 'posh' events playing on DS's for a good portion of the event - and I'm not talking about SN kids either - so I think it is more socially acceptable.

As for the ASBO comments, well words fail me. I think it's very insensitive of them and would definitely make it clear that it's not acceptable. What if DS hears them how will that make him feel? Especially as he gets older. Comments like that have a horrible effect on children on the spectrum and make their self esteem plummet even further. My DS who is 9 still remembers someone calling him evil when he was about 4 and brings it up when he is feeling particularly bad.

Just a thought - is the wedding at a church and has DS been there before and knows what to expect? My DS hates churches for some reason and has refused to go in for several weddings we have been invited to (including one where I was a bridesmaid for my best friend).

Have adapted J's christening social story a bit - probably too babyish for B and needs adapting, but see what you think:

Weddings are special parties to celebrate people being in love.

It is a very special day for x and y.

First there will be the ceremony, which means that ...

I will be very quiet during the ceremony, because only the grown ups are allowed to have a turn at talking.

I will try to sit very still so that everyone can listen to the grown ups.

After the ceremony, there will be some food to eat. I can eat some food and talk to everyone then.

If I need to go to the toilet or I am getting sad or upset, I will tell Mummy and Daddy.

I will try to behave nicely so that everyone can remember how good I was on x?s special day.

At the end of the food bit, there will be some music.

I will have a nice time at the wedding!

Whenever we take ds (9 with asd) to parties or functions we give ourselves a time limit. usually 2 hours is all he can manage. personally i would check out the hotel beforehand, there may be areas which are quiet where you can take ds to calm down. A selection of his favourite calming toys is a must. I would also demand that you are seated where you feel it is safest. Is she disagrees having her around when he has a tantrum might sway her. Tell her it is her big day, does she really want all the attention on your ds when he is in distress.

My family are really keen for ds to join in as they feel he is missing out, unfortunately he just can't cope

givemesleep that brilliant. am actually sat here going through some of the examples we were given on my course!
Thankyou so much for that! will definately add a bit and use it! FAB

And flyingmum thanks for the idea about getting school involved too, think i will do the social story and send in a copy of it to the school too and ask if they can help preapre DS.

When is the big day Bonkerz?

oh gosh..
i am amazed that an aunt and grandfather would do this to a small boy.So mean.
Tbh...i would probably not go to a wedding if they were unwilling to make small adjustments for you and your child (lets face it it's for their own good too!)
What is it with blardy weddings?...people lose sight of everything else don't they

24th of this month! not long really but have been outting off thinking about it till after christmas!