Help - Son's Behaviour getting worse, also suicidal, feel like the world is against me and him

[oliandjoesmum]

I haven't posetd on here for a couple of years now, but if you are interested in the background I guess you can search on my nickname. I am not sure how to do links??
Anyway, my eldest DS is now 8. His behaviour is so extreme, I have no idea how to cope any more. He was recently moved to a larger school for year 3 because we thought he would manage better there, and his brother (4 - in reception) wanted to go there. His violent outbursts got worse and worse (hitting/ biting/ trying to stab a child with a pencil), and his depression and self harming attempts (biting himself/ hitting himself with heavy objects/ scratching/ pulling hair out) also escalated. I eventually had to take him out the day I found him running around the school screaming his head off and unable to even recognise me (no teacher with him). I think he found the size/ sensory overload/ social demands of the school too much.
He is now at another smaller school (the school he had left) part time, but he is so withdrawn and suicidal. He can't look at people, he puts his coat over his head when walking in to school. He can only manage two hours a day, and certainly no lunchtimes.He has violent outbursts at home, kicking and throwing, and he hides under tables/ beds etc. I also have a 4yo and 1 yo to care for, and a part time job.
The other parents are being horrendous, the gossip is atrocious. My son is undergoing an ASD diagnosis, he quite clearly is mentally disturbed, and he can't help his actions. However people are saying I don't care, that I am cold and rude (I am actually acutely depressed, and unable to cope with the playground anymore). They have also started chinese whispers that my 4yo is 'naughty'(he isn't, right perfect peter) to paint me further as a bad mother.
I am in constant conversations with educational psychologist, CAMHS, CASADT, consultant, head teacher etc etc, what more can I do?? Nothing ever actually seems to happen, mental health process seems to be a complete nightmare.
Have applied for IPF, really hoping this might help, but really, I don't know what to do. Is this ASD/ conduct disorder/ ADHD?? I just don't know. I am at breaking point and having panic attacks frequently about him being excluded/ taken in to care. The other mothers have no idea, they say 'we/him are not punished enough' for his behavoiur, they have no idea of the hell. I need some help, but I don't know where else to turn....

Your post has brought tears to my eyes {{{hugs}}} I've not got time to answer properly now but will be back later x

I am very sorry for you and DS. I wish I could say something helpful, but I can't. It sounds truly awful for you. I hope you get the help you need. You'll definitely get some support here, I know from other threads that some Mums have experienced some of what you are going through xx

I am so sorry to hear that you're having an incredibly hard time. You post sounds like something I could have posted a year ago. My ds(HFA) was very aggressive at school and I had the bitchy parents to contend with as well. Though ds was fortunate enough to move into a language unit and he calmed right down, he still has his moments but nothing like last year. At the time I never would have thought that he would ever manage to go through a school day without hitting someone or having a screaming fit, but it has got better.

Is your ds statemented? If not, then that would definitely be my first step. Sorry I can't write much because I've got to pop out and get ds from school, and then he'll hog the computer, but I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you.

Goodness me, first of all (((((((hugs)))))))) from me too.

Secondly, you so need that diagnosis of something. No idea of timescales for you yet?

It could well be an ASD, yes. Whatever it is, your son needs a heck of a lot more help than it looks like he's getting.

You also need to get your GP to take your own needs seriously here. Is there anything you can do to help them explain how close you are to breaking point?

As for other mothers, well, they need to learn to help instead of criticise. Grr.

I am so sorry. I think that you should go straight to your GP and tell him/her how close you are to breaking point. You need things to move at a much quicker rate. Does the Head teacher realise what a state you are in?

absoloutely
Go to your GP and say that the strain is becoming unbearable.
Go and see the Head and say this cannot continue.
Is he undergoing statement?
If not have you applied for a statement?

Good grief, you sound totally overwhelmed, things are really tough for you.

I agree with the other posters, timescale for diagnosis? Seeing the school Head is important - it doesn't sound like the school is being particularly supportive of you and your situation. Feeling more supported by them might help you manage your feelings about the school mum's gossip, etc. Getting a statement in place, etc is a positive step.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to manage your son.

Please see your GP and let him/her know how worried you are about your son and how much it's affecting you. If necessary get a referral for counselling, that could certainly, help with any panic attacks and your overall wellbeing. Have you much family support?

Please keep posting and I really hope that you manage to get a bit more support.

This sounds so awful for you

My younger cousin who is now 17 had an awful time with ADHD when he was younger, he seemed so badly behaved but like your son it is not a choice they make it's just how they are 'programmed' to act. He also went through a phase of trying to kill himself, a few times whilst I was babysitting him, when he was being assessed for any other mental problems they discovered the whole reaction to Ritallin and apparently this caused him to feel suicidal and depressed is your son on any medication which could cause drastic side effects like this?

Do you have a good support network? Although you have no confirmed diagnosis you could perhaps benefit from going along to a support group which could help give you some more insight into what is going on with your son and also it might be easier to know that their are other famillies out there going through the same thing, there is nothing worse than feeling alone!

Do you spend all your time with your children? You need some free time for you it can be really demanding especially when you are feeling so low. If finances allow I would say give up your job, you have enough going on!

Get down to your GP tell them how you feel and hopefully they will be able to push for a diagnosis and then you can start to learn more about things and how to manage them knowing what is causing it.

And as for the 'mothers' at the school try and ignore them, they sound awful and talk to the Head Teacher, it sounds like they are just a bunch of nosey idiots maybe best way to deal with them would be to approach them and explain what exactly is going on why your son behaves the way he does and that you dont appreciate comments about your parenting skills from people who are supposed to be mature adults.

Sorry for wittering on hope you all get the help you need soon.

(((hugs))

You need some support - now!! Agree - 1st see your gp. Your health is vital to support the family so it must come first.

In the meantime is there anyone else that could take some pressure off you? Is there anyone that could take the dss to school so that you can avoid the playground for a while? Is there a parent supporter that could help? Even the school nurse may be able to help. Perhaps attending slightly short hours would help? It sounds like your son is not getting the support he needs at school and needs the support of a statement.

Can you get support from the local ASD or ADHD parent support group? Some have a telephone support line. It does not usually matter that the dx is not in place - they are likely to have several members who have fought similar battles and know what the local problems are.

People can be very ignorant sometimes . Your ds seems to be acting more out of fear and overload than any notions of naughtiness.

My ds (8) has AS and ADHD and has frequent agressive outbursts. He has a statement which provides fulltime 1:1 support and this is the only way that he can cope in MS. My ds finds change difficult to cope with so his recent move to middle school has raised his anxiety level through the roof and he is more agitated and hyper than usual. If your ds has similar needs (and his behaviour sounds very similar) then I expect he also has found all the changes difficult to cope with.

Has your ds got a statement? For us this was of more practical help than his dx as it meant that his needs were recognised and the school were legally obliged to meet them. You can apply to the LEA for this yourself.

My ds also self harms and has talked about wanting to be dead It is really horrible and you have my complete sympathy. I'm so sorry that the other parents are being so horrible. I have been lucky so far in that i have a few understanding friends who support me at school and if the other parents bitch I rarely hear of it.

I can understand your feeling depressed - I have days when I really don't know how i am going to cope with another day of ds's violence and difficult behaviour. Its quite common sadly for other people to try and lay the blame at the parents door rather than to recognise that the child has SN. Many parents on here trying to get help for their child have been sent on parenting courses and had to undergo numerous family assessements before the professionals accept that the child might have SN.

Nothing useful to add to what others have already said, but sending {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
xx

I echo BriocheDoree -
I feel sickened for you that you have to go through so much. It really isn't fair and I hope you get more help very soon.

wow, thanks for all the support. Can't believe how many responses so quickly. It just feels better to offload and not feel so alone. I have tried avoiding the playground, I have to be at the other school for DS2 so that isn't difficult. Backfired a bit though because now I am apparently 'ashamed and avoiding' mothers. Have had another awful evening, he was really hitting and kicking me. He went really hyper and was just runnig backwards and forwards across the room banging in to the walls. I desperately love him but I do fear for my other children who are so sweet. What if he hurts them? What happens then?? He keeps on saying he is a 'waste of space' and a 'dickhead'.
He doesn't have a statement, our case is going before the funding board (I think called??) tomorrow for IPF (individual pupil funding) so that he can have 1:1. I also think this is the only way he can stay in mainstream education. It is so heartbreaking because he is super super clever, reading age in teens, he really can be amazing.
I am also going to fight at the doctors tomorrow for some help, this is all reaching crisis point.

God, that sounds horrendous for you. I hope you get some sound help and advice tomorrow from your GP.

I have no experience with the type of SN your son has but I really, really hope things improve for all of you.

Feel for you both in this situation.

I'd get your GP to refer your son to a developmental paed if this has not already been done as this person has some clout and can make a diagnosis.

What have CAMHS and all the other bods you've been talking to actually done to date?. Have they mentioned the word "Statement"?.
Is this funding board a part of your Local Education Authority?. I sincerely hope it is; this could be a proper way forward for your son. He has a right to an education as much as anyone else.

Glad things are happening and hope the funding board are generous.

We had a similarish situation with ds (now 9) a couple of years ago. He was getting very upset and stressed (and hitting out) and begging not to go to school because he did not want to get into trouble. I struggled to get the very neglectful and harmful system to support him. Well eventually he got the support he needed (he has LD and ASD) in a specialised school and he really is a different (calmer happier) child! Of course I still see signs of that frightened panicky child occasionally (it has only been 4 terms since the change) but actually it is rare enough to suprise me now.

I think the turning point for me was when I took charge from infront, (having realised the impotensy of the experts, school and system alike and went for a statement - all guns blazzing.

Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you oliandjoesmum. I wish I could come over and give you a hug.

You are absolutely right when you say that the other parents have no clue at all. They have no idea what you are dealing with, the best you can do it try and get the help that your DS needs and ignore all the playground chitchat.

DS is almost 4 and for the last six months or so he started to become aggressive, it is the most disheartening thing to deal with. He is not aggressive anymore and I can only attribute it to changes in his diet, specially using goats milk and yogurt. His behaviour has improved dramatically.

Have other parents actually said these things to your face? I only ask because if you are feeling this stressed out and low its possible that you are reading more into little comments and looks than there is IYKWIM. I find it really difficult to judge these things when i am really stressed and have got upset by an off hand comment that was thoughtless rather than malicious.

Have you applied for a statement?

Yes, they have said it to my face, and a number of friends get constant grief off other parents about him being back at their school. The Head has also told me there have been complaints. I am hoping for IPF, not sure if that is now just a form of statement???

Hi, I agree with all the others have said and really feel for you. my son is 3 and autistic and very violent and this is the way i can see him becoming with all the stresses he gets and his reactions to hurt himself etc. When he starts at a nursery sometime about eatster i think i am going to print out little cards to give to staring mothers saying he is autistic he behaves like this because ...... etc etc could you maybe do that, i know you shouldnt have to tell the other parents but maybe it would help and at least then its not confrontational when they say anything to you give them a couple of these little cards, or an autism leaflets etc maybe that would help.
take care x

I don't know about IPF but I don't think its the same as a statement. A statement is a legally binding document and the school are obliged to follow the objectives written in it. If the IPF is just extra funding then although thats better than nothing it in no way ensures your son's needs are actually being met and you will have very little say over how the school use it.

I know the complaints to the school are horrible but they might actually be helpful longterm. Peachy always tells parents who complain to her to complain to the school as its more evidence to put forward in support of a statement etc. Horrible for you though {{{hugs}}}

Ok have just googled it and its not the same as a statement. I think it the LAs sneaky way of giving out less statements personally. With the level of difficulty your ds is displaying at school you definitely need to ask the LA for a statutory assessment. Don't let them fob you off with the old line of " his needs aren't severe enough; he doesn't have a dx so he won't get a statement" etc etc. It is illegal for LAs to have this sort of blanket policy.

It is very hard to ignore ignorant hurtful comments - especially when you are worried about your son and down yourself. Wish I could help!! (I was lucky in that a couple of lovely mums helped me rise above the worst of it just by their passive support)
When will you hear about the individual pupil funding? Our area has stopped IPF but it used to be a max of 5 hours funded TA support (or the equivalent) and is not the same as a statement. How ever if available quickly and your ds starts getting tailored support at the most critical time ( playtime?)it might help a lot. Can the autism or behavior support team (whatever is available)be called in urgently to advise the school staff on stratagies to reduce stress and sensory overload? (I know it is unconventional without a DX of ASD)And Camhs what are they doing - can they hurry up and prioritise a Dx decision for your child?