Can I ask a personal question about your dh's please?

[kettlechip]

This should possibly go in relationships but is fairly specific to SN so am posting it here. I'm not namechanging as I know how lovely and non judgey you all are, so don't feel the need!

DH and I have hit a bit of a rough patch - our first in over 10 years. It's been triggered I think by much of my time and energy being poured into ds1, from me realising around his 2nd birthday that he had significant language problems, to trying to determine the issues and address them. It's been the scariest, most stressful time of my life. We've also had ds2 in the meantime, now 15 months, who is gorgeous but demanding, and tbh I've been worried sick that he'd start to show symptoms of ASD/lang disorder too. So far he hasn't but I won't relax until he is a bit older yet.

DH works away a good deal of the time. He doesn't have the stress of taking ds1 to appointments, or ferrying the boys backwards and forwards to different things, or dealing with the day to day grind and tantrums. I cope really well most of the time, but as my family live hundreds of miles away, and his are lovely but not particularly hands-on, it does get stressful balancing things sometimes.

The main issue is that DH really cannot understand why I get so upset about ds' difficulties. He sees no issue with him being different, and says that as long as he's happy, I should be too. I know this is true to a certain extent, but my instincts are to help him as much as possible, and to try and dimininish his "differences" so that he has a smoother passage through life. Re ds2, I think he thinks I'm neurotic for even considering the possibility of an ASD link. All decisions re ds1 are left to me (schools, salt etc) and it's a huge responsibility to bear, given the pressure I feel to do the absolute best for him.

Has anyone else found that a difference in attitude has caused issues in their relationships?

that's wonderful buckets, it actually made me cry! Too early to say if ds has asperger's (gut feel is no) but the principle is exactly the same.

I know, I cried too the first time I read it! Was the first time I realised I was someone who needed support too, had been so focused on DS. That's another reason applying for Disability Living Allowance is so painful, you realise it all affects your whole family, not just your child, that you have a label too as a SN mum.

Kettlechip,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I was in your shoes about a year ago (DS has autism) I eventually told DH that it was exhausting trying to do everything for the kids (We're treating our son biomedically, running an RDI/VB programme and our eldest girl has bowel disease) without feeling like i'm doing it all on my own. He said i should talk to my mum and sisters if i was having a bad time cos he didn't know what to do to help. I told him to either walk beside me on this journey or to pack his bags. Fortunately he decided to get more involved. He even comes to conferences with me!
Also, Silverfrog, you say 'I'm the one who has been runnng around trying to find out the implications of dd2's weird blood test results', can you tell us a bit more about your childs weird blood results please?
j
x

Yes, dh doesn't come to any appointments and still finds it hard to except that both dd's may be on the spectrum. Today was the first time we talk about dd1 not eating, because he hasn't been here he hasn't noticed that dd wasn't eating much. I think dh also finds it hard because he shows AS traits and thinks its his fault the dd's are on the spectrum IYKWIM. He doesn't tell anyone at work about the dd's being autistic and won't ask for time of as it will meen explaining whats wrong with the dd's. Sometimes it feels like im going at it alone.

Kettle - I've just drafted 4 posts and deleted them all!!!!!! This may have to wait till you're in Yorkshire then we can do it round the kitchen table. Any plans to come up soon?

I sympathise with both of you and, in true "how to listen so your friends will talk" style, I am just going to say that I'm confident you'll figure out a way to move your positions closer to each other on this one.

thanks again everyone, lingle, no plans for Yorkshire visit but my grandad is very ill at present so may need to be up in the early new year, (without dh and children) which may work out well for a meet up..

You mentioned my mil in your other thread, generally I'm lucky we get on really well but this ds business is a bit of a sore point, maybe because dh was so similar and they didn't do a thing to try and help him at the time. That's partly due to the way things were back then, but I think my concern over ds has actually made her feel a bit guilty that she just left dh to sort himself out (and thank goodness he did, and is fine now.)
FIL is lovely but thinks I am making a big old fuss about the whole thing and sticks to the mantra "he understands everything, I really wouldn't worry." I sometimes try and explain things to them, but often think there's no point. I think they must express this to dh, which just makes me seem neurotic and as if I'm exaggerating things.

I can see that's tricky.......................

sorry to hear your grandad is poorly.

What is it they say men are from Venus Woman from Mars it is so true i think men see it all completely different from us i have had falling outs with my DH over DD's problems and sometimes feel that he is completely oblivious to everything as i spend hours on internet, writing letters, on the phone etc trying to get more info and help, think it must be a mum thing, you are not alone i'm sure loads of SN mums have the same problems.

Same with pregnancy actually - if my DH had a giant kidney stone for 9months and either had to wee them out or have life-threatening surgery at the end, I would soon know everything there was to know about the subject. It's so iniquitous!

Thinking about it, the person who's found it really difficult to cope with the thought of dcs disability has not been dh but my Mum. So not necessarily a Man thing.