Can I ask a personal question about your dh's please?

[kettlechip]

This should possibly go in relationships but is fairly specific to SN so am posting it here. I'm not namechanging as I know how lovely and non judgey you all are, so don't feel the need!

DH and I have hit a bit of a rough patch - our first in over 10 years. It's been triggered I think by much of my time and energy being poured into ds1, from me realising around his 2nd birthday that he had significant language problems, to trying to determine the issues and address them. It's been the scariest, most stressful time of my life. We've also had ds2 in the meantime, now 15 months, who is gorgeous but demanding, and tbh I've been worried sick that he'd start to show symptoms of ASD/lang disorder too. So far he hasn't but I won't relax until he is a bit older yet.

DH works away a good deal of the time. He doesn't have the stress of taking ds1 to appointments, or ferrying the boys backwards and forwards to different things, or dealing with the day to day grind and tantrums. I cope really well most of the time, but as my family live hundreds of miles away, and his are lovely but not particularly hands-on, it does get stressful balancing things sometimes.

The main issue is that DH really cannot understand why I get so upset about ds' difficulties. He sees no issue with him being different, and says that as long as he's happy, I should be too. I know this is true to a certain extent, but my instincts are to help him as much as possible, and to try and dimininish his "differences" so that he has a smoother passage through life. Re ds2, I think he thinks I'm neurotic for even considering the possibility of an ASD link. All decisions re ds1 are left to me (schools, salt etc) and it's a huge responsibility to bear, given the pressure I feel to do the absolute best for him.

Has anyone else found that a difference in attitude has caused issues in their relationships?

In short Yes!! The more laid back everyone around me is the more I worry! I worry because others either cannot see or make light of what I see. (Ds is 9 but in the earlier years it was 'he'll catch up/ you need to talk to him less or more/ say no more often- you know those well meaning phrases family and friends come out with!) So I feel alone and ds only advocate.

Men. This is really really common. In part I think because they usually don't see the children around other children so don't have the comparison.

Most men do come around, get their heads out of their arses and start being helpful eventually.

I am sorry your having a tough time. These things are not an issue for us yet as I am still on ML so it is OK for me to do all the appointments, nursery organising, running about etc. But this will have to change when I return to work. We have decided that we will do half each on the appointments.

We are still very new to this and the pressure of having a very poorly child has certainly affected us, good and bad. We have been through the worst together and are much closer now but what used to be a little bickering sesh has now turned in to a full scale shouty,screamy tearful argument.

I also feel on times, a little taken for granted in that things here do run quite smoothly (thanks to me ) and I don't think he realises how stressful even a good day can be. Every time we argue discuss it, he tells me how much he appreciates all I do, but I do have to push him to say it. I know he does, but I still need to hear it. We also have very different ways of dealing/accepting DSs condition. I am a control freak who has to know the ins and outs of a cats arse, while he sounds very much like your DH, concentrating on the happy, contented little lad we have. It gets on my nerves sometimes, I have to be 'teacher' in effect, and am the more proactive of us.
In all honesty, I wouldn't change that much. I am sometimes jealous of his ability to only see the good stuff and not worry too much about the future. Also I am quite demanding, so if the roles were reversed, I would probably still do the same stuff anyway because my personality lends me to that sort of thing.

I don't know if that's any help to you or not, or even if its very clear. I think if you throw 2 people into a very stressful situation, it doesn't matter how well you get on, or how much you love each other, it will take its toll, and those little personality quirks/differences that didn't matter before, become more annoying obvious. I know I am guilty generally, of taking stuff out on DP (I've no family) and I know I've gotten worse since DS came along, so I have to wind myself in and bite my tongue now and again. He works hard to provide for us, sometimes away from home too. Even though it is hard for me, I honestly think it is harder for him. He hates being away, so I keep my worries to myself during that time.

I hope things improve soon xx

Although it can be tough when your husband seems to make light of your childs problems in the end it can be good that they see your DS as still the same lovable, little person as you both thought of him before problems arose. If i am honest there are times when I have seen DS1 &2 as a collection of problems and this has obscured my sense of them as individuals, but DH's optimism was needed to balance out my pessimism, if he had turned round and agreed with me 100% when I was at my lowest i think i would have crumbled. I was depressed for at least a year after it became clear that DS2 had AS and did withdraw from DH and find it hard to deal with his needs on top the childrens' but we are through it now and getting on better than ever. Sometimes Dads instincts have a lot to be said for them and sometimes we can be nuerotic (my remaining bugbear with Dh is that he never gets round to finishing reading the books that I think he should!)

Ally I completely agree. your post was much more succinct than mine . I think me and DP do have a balance a you say and I am completely neurotic about him not reading things . He knows that I will have read it and will just wait for me to educate him!

Wot all the others say. Definitely.

I do the appointments and the arguing and advocacy for dd, not because dh does not want the same things as me, but simply because I am a tougher person and drive a harder bargain. He is too nice to really stand up to people.

what they all said, in particular ally and cory.

ive had this same chat with my DH, and he says its because he doesnt want to think of DS5 (and others!) as a bundle of problems that will ultimately probably cause a lot of heartache for them later in life when 'mummy cant fix it' and he wants to enjoy them as children and let them be childen. I suppose he has a very good point... but i need to take matters in hand too and address all needs inc all appointments and assessments!

before we knew ds had ASD i couldnt talk to dp he would get the himp and we'd always end up shouting he wanted to say our son was nt and didnt want to admit there was more to it

but he also felt he had to be strong for me i later found out the positive one as he wasnt bogged down witht he harsh reality of it all and he also felt guilty and thought by trying to cheer me up was the right thing

we eventually had real good conversation with no fighting and decided no matter what we would think no less of ds and he admittied there could be more to it and this scared him

we did find out ds had ASD and dp has been fine and supportive from the day we were told or i was told anyway as he was workinga way and he also works long hours and works away so pretty much in same situation with the sn groups SALT sorting out everything else

we eventually stopped focusing on what could be wrong and just enjoyed him and dealt with the rest one day ata time as the pressure of what could be was too much stress we soon relaxed and we were able to talk but not focusing on the subject of our ds and coming dx we are both well aware not all is ok but we will face it daily together

its a tough time and place your at right now but men dont really know what role there supposed to play at this stage big hugs its hard but they do get better and it does get better

hump not himp

we still do that and have relaxed so much and dont concentrate on ds being different we dont compare anymore as no child is the sdame regardless of sn or not and we enjoy him he isnt affected all the help is there ive battled long and hard to get him his help and we have seen progress and we tend not to worry about what may be but just what is now

dont know hat happened to my post trust me to get it all muddled the i still do now is the taking it one day ata time dont know why i lost it but thats just me lol always apologising for my typos

I've just had a big in-depth chat with dh over this very issue.

All decisions re:dd1 have been down to me, and also now dd2, as she is presenting with a weird health profile.

It has felt, at times, as though I am a single parent - I have had to make some huge decisions re: the girls' welfare on my own. I am the one who has done all the reading on vaccinations (dd2 is jab-free, and likely to remain so; dh, every so often, comes out with "we must do somethign about dd2's jabs" - and then does no further reading!) on GF/CF (and the implications for dd2) and researched ABA (and found a consultant, and then tutors), and more recently, I'm the one who has been runnng around trying to find out the implications of dd2's weird blood test results.

Dh just isn't around enough to help with appointments and ferrying, but I did have a bit of a rant at him over the fact that not only do I do all the daily grind in the week, i have been doing it at weekends too (dd1 is particularly clingy with me, and we have both gone along with this a bit too much, resulting in me being the one who does everything with her, 24/7. this has now changed, and Ifeel a lot less stressed as a result)

In dh's defence, i think he has seen it as an extension of "babies" - he is a fantastic dad, but not great with the boredom of babies.

we had a big chat about hwo my "job" is as stressful as his (and he admitted he wouldn't be able to do it, which i think is bollocks - if he had to, he could, just as I have had to) and that the weekends were down to both of us.

He has been pulling his weight a lot more recently - long may it last!

I would also add that the difference between DH and my stance has demished with time. I think I was almost overwhealmed in the early years and Dh kept his distance. Now he is more involved and has even attended some appointments recently. It feels as if we are a team now - in the past I felt less supported! Now DH has accepted ds has sn his positive attitude is helpful. Life is less stressful now we have a Dx to work with.

OOoooooooooh Yesssssss
dh couldn't see (or wouldn't see) what the fuss was about.Took him years to come around and actally be a help

What a relief to read some of these. Thanks everyone for your honesty! I think like jimjams said, it's that Dh doesn't see ds1 with his peers, so he hasn't got the constant comparison that I have. Seeing him at his grandparents, where there's only ds2 there is so much more relaxing for me.

It can be overwhelming, trying to deal with this stuff on a day to day basis. My DH is brilliant, loves his kids, understands them, is much more patient with both of them than me. He does get sad about DD and sometimes I have to point out how happy she is. OTOH he is currently working every day until 9 or 10 at night, then every Saturday as well. I am having to do everything at home and I have a bad back (DS isn't walking at 16 mos!) and he's mentally and physically exhausted from the stress of work. I have to concentrate really hard not to take this out on DD when she's being difficult, and not to resent DH when I have to drag both kids to yet another hospital appointment that's miles away or has been scheduled in the middle of DS's nap time. I share your worries about no. 2 (he seems fine, but every time he fails to respond to his name it makes me really paranoid ). I've ended up putting DS into nursery two days a week just to maintain general sanity, and he's settling nicely into that routine and it allows me some time with DD on her own as she has a half day on Thursdays to go to her SALT, so afterwards we go to a cafe and chill. I think previous posters are right: DH's usually don't see their child around other children. They might not even see that many NT children, so they aren't constantly forced to make the comparison!

My dh says he's happy for me to do all the thinking and emoting on the subject! TBH that's fine as long as he respects that means i know my stuff and he responds when i ask for help.

Unusually dh has always seen things worse than me, but I can empathise hugely with dh working away a lot. I get so stressed (wonder how I havent broken this year), when he is away. We have 3 children and one of the things I'm going to use DLA for is help in the house or otherwise I won't last the course of this SN marathon.
I was talking recently with ds play therapist who has 2 sons with ASD. She said having a child puts a certain amount of stress on any person and relationship. If you add a child with SN that stress is going to be even greater. You are going to see all your character weaknesses coming out, but also perhaps strengths you never knew you had. If all else fails, open a bottle of wine and look through old holiday snaps from pre kids and remember the laughs you had.

Brioche, I've just reached the decision to go back to work 2 days a week and get help in for those days. I think it's vital for my sanity, and it means I'm fresher for the boys. I've also upped ds1's hours at preschool from January, he loves it there and it will ease the transition when he goes into their reception class in September.
It can be a grit your teeth job sometimes!

DH loves DD to bits but because of work (he teaches in the nursery class at a primary school) he only takes time off for the most serious of DD's appts, eg having grommets fitted, MRI scans, and isn't around for the SALT sessions, OT reviews, physio, portage, audiology, paeds. I think his limited availablility for all these appts has helped him keep his head in the sand--he never sees DD with NT kids. In turn, this means he has limited patience with me when I say how overwhelming I find it all at times. I think we are both grieving, but in different ways and at different times.

I'm always posting this link up, have a look. It's aimed at grandparents but applies to dads too, esp if they're away a lot!