husband's rejection of child with down's

[blinks]

Bit of a long un...

I'm writing this on behalf of my sister in law who is having some difficulties coping with her DH's attitude towards their 6 months baby boy who has Downs.

The pregnancy was unplanned and pretty much unwanted by him up until they found out the gender (they already have a girl). He was born in a dramatic emergency manner and found to have Down's straight away along with heart problems and some other issues relating to his condition... after an operation and much to-ing and fro-ing, he is very much on the mend and is a beautiful wee boy, very much loved by all. His dad however has the attitude that SIL 'wanted him so she'll have to just get on with it' and generally opts out of much of his care. He is unwilling and needs pushing into being with him. He's never given him a bath, for example. He does some of the care-giving though as he is still partially tube fed, but he is begrudging and not making an effort to bond.

My SIL is finding it pretty hard going as she has not only to cope with a small baby and DD1, but has to do it with very little support, emotionally and effort-wise from him.

He is also withdrawn from alot of the family and he and my DH (they are brothers) are not speaking due to some separate family issues. He has suffered from depression for quite a long time and is on medication but it doesn't seem to be working. He won't ask his GP to change the prescription though according to SIL. She has mentioned counselling to deal with his non-acceptance of his son but he seems unwilling and is generally non-responsive.

She needs advise about where to go from here. Not having been through this so I feel I have little wisdom to offer.

Lucky I'm in the office on my own as just unexpectedly had a little cry reading that again.

The one line that jumps out and gives me peace is 'hope springs eternal'. Going to focus on that

DD3 has DS and ASD, DD1 and DD2 are NT (whatever that is). I regularly visit Italy, Holland and Beirut. Don't know if I'm f'ing coming or going

PMSL Headgirl

Just the 2 NT's and the 2 ASD's here so I'm just commuting betwee the two

Actually Dha nd I did say that a bit back; if ds4 (only 6 months) turned out ASD we'd be but we' cope; we'd be far more shaken if it was any other syndrome- whole new kettle of fish to deal with! Already been thrown a ittle as I've dealy with gf / cs diets for years but Bas also banana and tomato intolerant so an entie new cooking repertoire required

LOL Headgirl

hi everyone... am blown away by everyone's contributions and am furiously working my way through all the links. I think I'll print this thread out actually and show it to SIL next week when I see her.

I read "Welcome to Holland" just after he was born when I did some research on Down's and it is a real help to get your head around the idea of your child being slightly different from most other children... off to read The Times article!

SIL has suggested counselling for him but maybe couples counselling is a better route. I think everyone's scared to push him because he's already isolated himself. I would have a word with him but he's not really talking to me due to the family issue (that's a whole other bloody issue).

Peachy- my DD has a tomato allergy so I feel your pain. She's less allergic to beans and things with puree though. I think the skin and pips are the worst bit- pretty sure I read that somewhere.

I think its seems harder for some men when its their son, like its a dent on their virility or something.

My experience is not with DS but with CP, when our son was born 14wks prematurely we were warned about the possibility of CP but his father refused to accept it.

When he didnt reach any of his milestones he would always say it was because he was delayed because of the prematurity and would catch up eventually.

Needless to say he didnt and was officially diagnosed with Quad CP just before his first birthday.
From then on things went down hill, the more he couldnt do the more withdrawn his dad became.

He wouldnt spend any time with him and said it wouldnt matter because he wouldnt know any better, he refused to go out anywhere with him as he was embarrassed.
His dad could only concentrate on the things he couldnt do rather than see the things he could.

He had always dreamed of having a son and when several of his friends had wee boys at the same time who were "normal" this just compounded things.

He started drinking heavily and staying out till all hours, he eventually asked us to leave just after ds second birthday.

2 years down the line his dad visits twice a week for an hour or so, still wont take him out but finally gets that although he is severely physically disabled, he is mentally normal for his age and knows everything thats going on, this was like a revelation to him.

He admits that his reaction to ds disability is what split us up and now regrets how he handled it but im not sure that their relationship will ever be as it should.

I realise this is not the best story but what im trying to say is that some people will take time and get their heads round their child being disabled but some people never will.

Ds and i are very happy on our own though!

glitteryb. Its obviously his loss, I wish you and your boy well, he is lucky to have a strong mum. xxx

glitteryb- thanks so much for sharing that. Did your ex have any issues before the birth of your son or was this isolated?

major kudos to you- it's just a shame for your son he doesn't have the father he deserves.

glittery. Some poeple just can't accept disability. my MIL rejected dd totally (quad CP) and refused to see her at first saying it was 'for the best if she died and she didn;t want to get attatched'
Its taken 3 years for her to even look at her but she still spouts shite about disabled people.

it makes you wonder- how can people be so detached? it's obviously their problem- small mindedness, fear etc

thanks everyone!

I dont think im that bad off to be honest, ds is my only son so i have nothing to compare him to so to me he's just ds, and i love him the way he is!

blinkks yes there were some signs beforehand and if im honest i should have seen it coming, you know when you have the tests when you are pregnant to see if everythings ok, he did say then that if anything was wrong he would want to get rid of "it" as he couldnt cope with having a disabled child, so in a way he got what he most didnt want, gods punishment maybe? who knows im not religious, maybe its just karma or something?

Hugs too you too Riven! Ds had a lot of problems when he was born and stayed in the hospital 5 months, his dad admitted to me then that he was trying not to get to attached to him incase he died, he said later that maybe it would be better if he had.

the older ds gets i think his dad regrets this...i hope!

Hi everyone- just thought I'd mention that I've linked to this thread for SIL to read and she'll hopefully be joining mumsnet to answer some more questions and get some more support... want to thank everyone again for sharing all their stories. Hopefully SIL will manage to encourage BIL to change his medication and that might prompt a more positive attitude towards my nephew (and niece).
The links from everyone are brilliant too so THANKS!