What are the odds that baby will be disabled/brain damaged/very special needs?

[Flum]

I am expecting third baby and feel I am worrying overly that there will be a problem with this baby. It is as if I am trying to come to terms with it in advance (impossible I'm sure). I am worrying about how it would affect rest of family and worse still and am so sad and ashamed to admit this - that I would regret having third child.

Is there a website that actually lets you look at the true odds of things going wrong with babies in the womb/during childbirth, so I can get my head around the actual facts. Perhaps it would make me worry more though......

I really don't think Flum meant to be insensitive - just looking for reassurance like Tinysocks said. I'm sure everyone has worries like this when all those hormones are kicking around, it's quite easy to lose perspective.

And what Fio said!

puke - lol

Flum, even if there was such a website, I think that looking at it would make you more anxious. Whilst it is natural to be concerned, it seems that this is taking over your pregnancy.

If you haven't already done so, I would tell your midwife how you are feeling, as she can try to allay your fears or refer you for counselling to help you work through this. In the absence of a known genetic problem in your family, you are unlikely to be offered genetic counselling, as waiting lists are long even for people that have genetic conditions and who are known to be at risk.

Most of us on here have children that were born with various problems (my dd included), so posting here was bound to get responses that you might not want to hear.

My MIL had 3 healthy children, then had my dh. He has a genetic condition that occurred spontaneously. Nobody else in his family has this. She still feels guilty and wonders if she did something when she was pregnant to make this happen, even though it was just one of those things.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

'And even a 'normal' child can break your heart and run away or become a drug addict.'

Or have their lives blighted by mental illness or substance addiction.

A goood point, riven, and a good way to see it.

FLUM. Are you ok, I notice you haven't come back. Please don't feel bad.

riven at your eldest

But so often there is no cause, and the doctors can't even pin down exactly what is "wrong" with a child, and they definitely can't say what caused it.

So you can have all the counselling, all the genetic tests and ante-natal screening in the world, and the best, easiest labour, and it can still go pear-shaped.

I just wished I had realised or thought more about this when I was pregnant. I thought after my two DS2 were born, the worst was over.

As someone said, shit happens.....

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and have come to the conclusion that I have been too sheltered my entire life. When I was at school, mostly during the 80s, the only experience I had of Sn children was once a week for some of one term at a "special school" helping out, and in the year below me there was a girl with DS. That's it.

I have a condition that meant there were chances of complications during my pregnancy and labour, but noone talked to me about them having lost-standing problems. I did go see them recently, and they hadn't any experience of other diabetic mothers' children having issues like DS2.

Because I've been so "sheltered", all these issues happen to Other People. I do wonder if it's contributed to it taking a long time to Accept it all.

Where is Flum?

When I was a kid I can remember just ONE boy in a wheelchair (very severe CP looking back now) and just ONE girl on the spectrum. All the DS kids went to special schools (well they must've done because there were no DS kids at any of the school that I went to). Whenever these schools were joked about, I wondered why - I really did not know anything about disability at all because as a kid in the 70s and until fairly recently, SN kids/adults - and the facilities for such people - were not visible at all.

I would say that it's human nature to think that bad things happen to other people, whether that's being burgled or having a SN child. I wonder what has raised Flum's awareness of disabilities because when I was expecting my ds, the ONLY disability that I thought was realistically possible/was told about was DS (see above for reasons why).

There is one condition that for so long I was really worried about them getting, and they still could at any time, but I am not going to say what it is for fear of Tempting Fate!

One of the strangest conversations I had was with a friend whose children have no SNs. After some 13 years of knowing our son, she said to me "don't you ever get concerned that he's not as good at everything as my son is".

I replied that in my eyes he was just perfect. And he is.

I do agree TC- tend to be fairly open mouthed when people say this sort of thing in RL. I do tend to interpret it as people seeing ds1 as such a vegetable that it's Ok to say anything about him/children like him. When really it isn't.

we do love our disabled children every bit as much and as strongly as our non-disabled children, but I think that perhaps many people without a disabled child don't realise that/can't imagine that.

Ever since I worked as a volunteer in the special olympics when I was 16 I knew I wanted to work with people with disabilities. I worked with adults at day services and residential units and I worked in a school and ran an after school club and also worked in a childrens respite unit. I loved my job but it was other peoples chilsdren I was taking care of and I never thought it would happen to me.......!

Well it did. After the most plain sailing first pregnancy, did everything by the book etc I have a child who is classed as 'severley disabled' who will be 3 in October. Didnt plan it, wasnt ready for it and still have days having difficulty coping but hes mine and I love him dearly and he really is the apple of his grandparents eye!

What hasn't killed me has definatly made me stronger thats for sure

Hi lourobert,I am the same,I worked with sn for many years before having my son.I get a bit hurt if people say to me,oh is that why you work with sn because you have a child with sn?Pure coincidence.
Sorry but I think this question is hurtful,in the context that we are in this position and she wants some statistics.Sounds like reassurance and I don`t think this thread is the right place to seek it.

I get told all the time......you must cope really well having worked with sn kids...um, slightly different when its your own!

aw, lou, that's right up there with the 'God chose you to be your SN child's parents because you are special'

[cocks shotgun]

It is a fair enough question, and probably a common concern when pregnant, but perhaps (well definitely) the wrong audience.