Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

I really, really, wouldn’t agree to this OP. If it doesn’t end your marriage it’ll certainly put a massive strain on it.

"No, I am not in a position to provide that level of care, and I do not think it is in the best interests of either parent or the baby to be moving house every 3-4 days. I want to know more about other options that allow them to be adequately supported. Living with me is categorically off the table."

There will be other options. Those options just cost them money so they will push very hard on you to take them. There will be supported social housing etc.

I’d say no, because I think if they think you are there picking up the pieces then they will drop off social services radar completely and it will be harder to get any support. Even if you are going to help a bit, I would say you aren’t going to help at all. It sounds like they may need a team around them and you don’t want any excuses for social care to drop while they think you will take care of their needs

The answer to your question in my acquaintance’‘s case was that the state in the form of SS could indeed be regarded as responsible for a very similar situation.

Why? Because SS interfered with and foiled every attempt the parents of both the young people made to discipline them growing up and safeguard them in the name of the young persons ‘rights’. This notwithstanding that both were severely mentally disabled and unable to live independently or form rational judgements.

This may of course be an entirely different scenario.

OP says the pregnancy was intentional. How should the pregnancy have been prevented? Forced contraception?

If you agree to this you will be shafted with this situation forever. Once the young family have “family support and a stable home routine” social services will wash their hands of you.

He may be your son but you did not make this decision. Do not accept responsibility under any circumstances.

Trying to skim through messages so sorry if I am repeating what others have said; in the first instance, can't the girl and the baby stay with her mum, to have that support and care; son stays with OP and then they get together when possible with grandparents and each other, maybe grandparents can babysit once a week whilst the young parents have some time together. And see how things pan out.

But otherwise, of course I think many have said if OP agrees to this, the couple and child will be seen as housed - they won't be able to get on the housing list, supported or otherwise. Push for other options OP, sounds like you have a bit of time to work this out.

It is provided now, it is done,

@SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes as you work in SS, maybe you could confirm or deny the fear of so many PPs on this thread who are suggesting that once the OP agrees, then actual, real, tangible support from SS would be very limited? I have a 20yr old with HFA. I’m in my late 50s. You are effectively suggesting the a grandparent such as the OP would much rather take on this responsibility than not. But it’s not just the here and now. The chances of the child being on the autistic spectrum is vastly increased by having two autistic parents. This means the OP has all the admin they previously went through and quite possibly have PTSD from. There’s the school applications and the ongoing relentless struggle for support funding and filling out EHCP applications and all the angst that goes with that. Bringing up a child with complex needs is utterly exhausting and draining and the OP has already done it once. It is entirely reasonable for her to feel dread at the thought of doing it all again into her 60s and beyond if the statistically likely scenario becomes reality.

You have the chance to nip this in the bud once and for all. My advice is to refuse point blank, no negotiation. For your OWN sake. Cite mental health. Just not possible. Obviously I'm just a stranger on the internet but I truly hope you say no.

My mum was housed by the council in an Extra Care block of flats, after her stroke. Many of the other residents had learning disabilities.
Living in an extra care flat gives independence, but with someone on site when needed. It also makes adult services social workers and health care professionals' job easier because they can be more efficient in visiting, as a number of their clients are all in the same place.

This would seem the perfect answer if your LA has extra care flats @TheOchreEagle , so I would ask SS about that option.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what an awful dilemma for you and your partner. Why can't she live with her parents, how is your son going to step up and provide for his new family. Do they both realize how serious the situation is and they have the future of a child to now consider. Was a termination discussed at any stage or was it too late when you found out.

Absolutely not, OP. It would be ridiculously disruptive to keep shunting this baby between houses. The girlfriend's mum has probably only agreed because she thinks she'll be stuck with the baby full-time otherwise.

As others say, SS will dump this problem on you if you can. Don't let them. Your son stays with you and the baby stays with his/her mother unless they move in together into supported housing or whatever. Don't be bullied into agreeing to anything because otherwise you'll be stuck with another baby to look after and financially support, probably forever.

Have you spoken to the mother? I wouldn’t believe this until I’d heard it myself. I wouldn’t put it past SS to have told the mother that you’d agreed to have them half the week, so she felt she had to say she’d have them the other half.

Anyway, it would be very disruptive for baby and the two parents, moving around like that. It would be better for the baby’s young mum to stay with her parents with the baby and for your son to visit. Or, if they’re able, they should move out somewhere with support. You say you spoke to your son and he’s gone ahead anyway. Don’t shield him from the consequences of that.

Importantly, it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate anyway. I think you should refuse. You matter too.

I have all the sympathy for any grandparent who wouldn't want to take this on. But realistically there is little support available in the long term, no. And so if the parents can't do it, it's likely that adoption would be the outcome.

I would do everything I could to ensure a grandchild of mine didn't end up in foster care, and I say that as a foster carer. Most foster families do their best with extremely limited resources and a lot of stress, and there are not nearly enough of us at the moment. We are not infrequently begged to take infants on 20 minutes notice, with the social worker driving the baby around while their colleagues make frantic phone calls trying to find a placement, while we already have tricky older foster children, eg with trauma responses causing them to be violent, or to scream all night every night. DH and I rarely feel we're the best option for the baby in this kind of situation, and generally have to sit down and try to work out whether we are the least-worst option.

Having said that, this half the week plan is not necessarily the least-worst option, as lots of people with autism find transitions especially disruptive. It might be setting things up for these young parents to fail. If I were you, I'd be pointing this (or any other factors based on knowledge of your son and his girlfiriend) out to social services and working with them on better solutions. These vary in different parts of the country, but in ours there are mother and baby placements within family environments, as well as a local charity who have lovely mother and baby homes with resident care support. (A former foster daughter of ours who has SEN lived in both with her baby, and thankfully has ultimately kept her child thanks to the early intervention.) There can be long waiting lists so getting on lists for these as soon as possible is advised.

I'd also, OP, focus on what you can offer. For example, if her mum takes them FT, could you offer regular respite support, where mum and baby come to you some weekends for a 'holiday'? It might make all the difference to her mum in being able to commit to taking them full time. I would also recommend that you make sure social services document repeatedly that you want to be actively involved in your grandchild's life, and make sure you see the mum and baby really regularly, so that if the worst happens and it all falls apart nothing happens without you being informed, and considered for care even if only short term or respite if you want to be.

Those set ups are for adults with LDs, not for adults who need help to parent their children.

You will be the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong with this, whether you do or you don't.

No-one will appreciate what you do if you take them in-certainly not the feckless pair who decided "intentionally" to have a baby-and nor will the social services.

So, let them go ahead and make you the scapegoat but don't ruin your own life into the bargain.

Say no.

I wonder @TheOchreEagle if the girl's DM felt much as you do, that she couldn't cope with full time but felt under pressure to agree so said she'd do half,hence the SS looking to you for the rest.
In reality you don't seem to want to do this either and you'll get no argument from me, you're between a rock and a hard place just at the point where you'd hoped life was getting easier. I'd speak to the girl's DM and see how she really feels about this because half with you and half with her isn't going to work for anyone

I have a good knowledge of the care system, ie those cases the local authorities take to court. You have had good advice on this thread. They will give you very little help. Either you, or the maternal grandma, will end up as primary carer for the baby. And if it is you, you will lose any chances of your son living anywhere other than in your home. Basically you will be having another baby.

I have adult sons. I'd say no to this

I too believe this. Neither or you should do this. Social services will try and keep the family together eg parents and baby and grandparents do not need to support with day to day living social services need to.

when I have worked with clients with a baby (they were all removed within a few months of birth) one of the things that were made clear to support staff was we weren’t allowed to in any way shape or form touch the baby/child. Even if they left the baby to roll on the floor, sleeping facedown or anything dangerous we simply weren’t insured to touch the child. There were occasions when babies had overflowing nappies and support workers just had to call social workers and had to leave them filthy because the parents would be refusing to change the baby. There were lots of rules due to insurances. I wonder if there is too much red tape for the places you suggest to take in families? On paper it sounds ideal, almost like family supported living? I suppose everything comes down to money really. I hope your mum is doing well!

This.

You have nothing to blame yourself for.

By all means support from a distance, moving in with you will never work.

My neighbour has this situation, albeit without a baby (a married couple with SEN). Meanwhile her DC is getting older and the council are offering no support going forward. Neighbour is older than me (and I'm not young) and worries about what will happen when she dies.

They need supported accommodation. Particularly with a baby or the risk is that the baby could be taken into care.

If they're old enough to have a baby, they're old enough to live away from their parents.

You COULD tell SS and your DS that the best you can do is that HE stays. But that you can't have his whole family living there.

They won't get supported accommodation to look after the baby. The baby will be taken into care.