10 year old has no hobbies and addicted to phones

[Mumtoboys1]

I am really struggling with my 10yo behaviour and development, all his life he has never really had any hobbies or interests, since he was a toddler he's had fleeting interests with things never really bothering with anything for long. Was diagnosed Autistic at 4. He is fully verbal but doesn't really have conversations. This sentence makes me feel so guilty but it's true that I just don't know how to bond with him especially now he's growing up and same 'play' activities ect aren't interesting like when he was younger. The only thing he does is play on the phone and watch YouTube (my fault I know) he's had gaming consoles taken away because of the level of rage. I literally don't know what else to do because he doesn't engage with anything. His behavior has become SO challenging recently e.g swearing constantly and not following rules because 'he doesn't care' I feel like I'm constantly telling him off because he's constantly doing things that I need to tell him not to or correct in some way and his attitude makes it so hard for me to remain positive and I've become so snappy and miserable and bitter.

He has a younger brother who's 9 and the contrast is so huge and makes my bond with 10yo feel even more minimal and sometimes hopeless. I know the lack of bond will definitely go into his behaviour and how he feels and it breaks my heart to think he feels upset in anyway. Everything I try doesn't work and I've gotten to a point where I'm just so burnt out I don't have it in most of the time.
Has anyone else had experience with this?? Any advice on how I can strengthen my bond with my child

What support is DS receiving?

I would remove the phone. Either completely or only allow a set amount of time e.g. afterschool to decompress.

Something out of the house may help. Maybe an escape room or gaming cafe and/or something to eat if DS could cope with that.

Hey I have an 11 year old who is always on screens. Verbal but limited conversation skills like your son.

What does your son do on the phone as it may be a gateway to developing a hobby?

My son watches a lot of you tube related to his special interests (extinct animals and evolution) we’ve put together power point presentations, made posters, made top trump cards and our own (pretend) you tube videos about about his interests.

You could try leaning into whatever is holding his attention on the phone and bonding over it.

He doesn't really receive any. He is usually fine outside doing activities ect depending on what they are but in the house he just won't engage in anything

Unfortunately the content he consumes isn't helpful like it once was. It has also served as a comfort and a really helpful aid in lots of ways. This is why I have a love hate relationship for screens as they've helped him so much with stuff like speech and maths, he used to watch videos on numbers constantly he was brilliant at maths and enjoyed it same with history, we would do similar things to what your saying but now it's not educational at all he has leaned in to the whole YouTube brainrot slop , and that's all his conversation is based around.

It's his behavior I'm so concerned with as no interaction with him is positive and like I mentioned I spend most of the time telling him not to do whatever he's doing he now thinks my other son is the favorite child. He literally never listens to anything unless I shout and make a big deal which I absolutely hate doing.

If DS is engaging outside the home, I think screen use in general is less of an issue at home. It is often used to decompress. However, I would limit the content DS can access. What does DS enjoy doing outside the home? Can you increase the amount of time he does that? Can it translate to anything directly or indirectly at home? Can you build your bond outside the home.p?

Rather than tell DS off and punish the negative, can you focus on the positives. Typical consequences don’t work for some DC with SEN.

Request a meeting with the SENCO at school.

Look at requesting an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

I would look at OT and SALT assessments.

Read" how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish.

Another tip when you are out doing activities or on the way to school or meals, that is the time to engage and praise him, say positive things, not when you are battling to get him off screen.

I found with my autistic son a good way to engage was to watch TV with him. A screen but some communication and humour. Is there a comedy series or something like Dr who you could enjoy together. Later on red dwarf Mr Selfridge Downton even
Musicals on cd were also a way of engaging himl. Hamilton Joseph Hairspray

Our relationship was saved by these things.
My husband took him to football matches and watched sport with him on TV.
We took him to pantomimes.
Connections were made in these ways

No other creative hobbies or pastimes but that was a good start. Hated reading.

He also enjoyed train journeys. Not museums or art galleries too impatient but train stations and airports. Later he did history at uni, and enjoyed museums and "cultcha" but not till mid teens really. Trip to Vienna aged 13 he enjoyed travelling on trams and directed me through the underground round the maze in the palace garden but couldn't read a page of a book for downtime/ it was ds Nintendo or tv screens until he slept - it was exhausting in a hotel room!

But looking back what saved us was no smart phone till 14 he despised social media and the cyber bullying that he saw with his peers so I think that really helped. So brick phone TV films ninetendo and X box perhaps only

Or even a tablet instead of a phone. My husband also read aloud to him..He was able to listen in those situations....Percy Jackson

I see you have already taken away gaming consoles so that sounds like you are able to put in positive changes so you should congratulate yourself on that.
i think it's difficult when you yourself remember having hobbies and interests as a child - I used to love crafts and sewing, listening to records, animals, building dens etc and reading the usual Puffins and Enid Blyton, comics but I do remember watching a lot of TV too and being bored a lot of the time or getting stressed by homework at the weekend, so I think people overestimate how constructive and motivated ten year olds actually are! Mostly they just want to relax and think their own thoughts but simultaneously have companionship..stimulation of the non demanding kind..(which is what YouTube offers nowadays).of course rules and telling off will seem pretty onerous and unbearable after days at school.

Charlie Brown comic books I used to love reading those

Thanks for replies, I have since since not allowed him on the phone due to worst behavior I've seen. Will plan to limit (and stick to limit) and see how that goes. In terms of interests he has none and seems to gravitate towards stuff that involves competition of some kind of which he has never been able to handle. Won't watch normal TV or movies will say stuff like he would rather die. He couldn't even sit through the Mario movie and he plays the Mario games and claims to enjoy it and wants to go to Nintendo world ect.
So in terms of interests I'm just at a loss.
Going out and doing things is relatively ok but can't happen all the time.

Chess?
Draughts?
Card games? All with his brother
Classifying and sorting things?
Rubik's cube sort of puzzles ?
Construction like Lego with complex instructions to follow make sense of (he might need an adult to body double for that)

Be patient ...concentration is a muscle that is only built up slowly. He won't be immersing himself in these things for hours just yet but you can set aside 20 minutes a day for a game like draughts he might enjoy it and get hooked.

My son had undiagnosed ADHD I now realise as the need for dopamine "hits" was quite strong. He just couldn't amuse himself without noise or something flickering unless as you say there was something slightly competitive or exciting or active happening.

Which is music without a screen was so regulating. He could listen to it and still think.

Learning to play real life games was such a big problem as he hated losing felt insulted if he wasn't good or the best but it's part of the low self esteem they experience and feeling left out - like alcohol a screen doesn't judge you - but if you practice a LOT they get better coping. Football not possible but Monopoly was another thing we did as a family. It's just the time you have to put in and let other things go by the wayside.

Remote control Super Mario toy? Super Mario pin ball?

It would still be screen time, but would DS make stop motion animation? It could be based around Mario.

If DS would build Lego, they do lots of Super Mario sets.

If board or card games could work, they do a lot of Mario versions - monopoly, game of life, labyrinth, guess who, pop up Mario, double, uno.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment for DS’s needs. That could lead to funding for a PA to support more time out of the house doing whatever DS engages with outside the house.

I'm not sure what those are? How do I get them?

The assessments I mean and PA

You can ask your LA for social care assessments. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. Social care assessments are assessment that look at your needs as a carer and DS’s needs as a child in need by virtue of his disability and what support you both need. One of the things this can lead to is a personal assistant who could take DS out to do whatever DS enjoys.

Someone else made the point about support in school. Often what they enjoy doing in school spills over into interests at home...and what they struggle with a school will dictate those areas that are difficult at home.

Maybe he has dyslexia (mine did) and hates reading and writing...but IF he likes those things that's an angle for ways to occupy himself.

Similarilu if he has problems with fine motor skills his interest in making things/ crafty hobbies /painting Warhammer models is going to be limited. I remember mine pointing out a bit of mosaic he had done on the school facade...he was so proud of it but he literally never did anything crafty or arty at home he either had sensory issues or problems holding pens and pencils. Probably more efforts on my part with messy play, finger paints baking interventions , chopping brightly coloured veg etc might give helped. Certainly he enjoyed food prep in his twenties finally.

I've heard of children /teens with autism very much into baking and art and design but sensory issues can cloud those instincts to be creative. But I think every child wants to create something - it's in there somewhere.

You say he likes being out, well then perhaps watching programmes about outdoorsy things (Attenborough? Springwatch type? Hikes, travel programmes canal journeys )

Start with the things he likes doing when he isn't on a screen and use those as a springboard for downtime activities which arent phone or playstation, and build interaction and self worth

I have to say the possibility of ds getting a personal assistant through a social assessment was never ever suggested to me 15 years ago and I don't think he would have been thought "bad" enough to warrant one so I suspect you would be told similar and that it is a "parenting" issue or told to do family therapy (their cheapest model of intervention) 😞 LA resources are pretty constrained and if he is a state primary school they will probably suggest Lego club to solve everything (nothing wrong with that but it has its limits)

Non screen based hobby idea for ADHD 10 year old boy? | Mumsnet https://share.google/RQizGDQaqTjabkCay

This is a thread on the same theme and so many positive thoughts about wonderful enriching activities (at home as well as out) on it, which I love. ADHD and autism can be co morbid - if you get an early diagnosis of autism the adhd can be overlooked, and then, not many ameliorations made on that account.

I am sure the bonding of kids is helping them find something they can bond with together.

I am sure the bonding of kids is helping them find something they can bond with together.

@Nettleskeins it is rarely suggested by professionals. Just like other support, it is often only provided because parents force the issue. Many parents are fobbed off by LAs saying their DC aren’t disabled enough for social care support. It is nonsense. Parents can challenge those decisions.

OP could also look at her local short breaks offer to see if there is anything suitable there. Again, sometimes LAs try to brush parents off, but it is something parents can pursue.

Do you have a garden, OP?

@Pryceosh1987 bonds often improve when the right wider support is in place. Hence suggesting looking at things such as support in school, OT and social care assessments as well as suggesting things they can do together.

I have a very similar 10 year old boy who has never had hobbies. currently on waiting list for autism assessment.

all he will do is play Roblox and Fortnite, and watch YouTube.

When not engaged by a screen he is constantly bouncing off the walls, talking and screeching endlessly. It makes me think of a child with ADHD but at school he’s very calm and loves work.

Christmas is a nightmare as I have nothing to buy him.

I don’t have advice but am in the same shoes!