Anybody else feeling like they are neither truly in Holland nor in Italy?

[emkana]

I take ds out and about a lot - both to "normal" toddler groups and to various activities for children with special needs.

And I feel that ds and I don't really "belong" in either. At the "normal" groups he stands out because he is so extremely shy and because he can do a bit less than other children his age, and because he's small. But at the special needs groups he stands out because he has far less problems than the other children there, so I feel a bit of a fraud to take up the time/resources/staff that another child might be more deserving off?

I feel very much the same - I think of it as being in "la la land". I thought it would improve after DS saw a paed - but the conclusion was speech problems and probably not ASD, but needs monitoring - which leaves us not much further on!!!

DS isn't quite NT enough (speech delay ?disorder) for normal groups for his age, but the one time I went to a SN group for parents of kids with ASD/social communication problems, I felt a fish out of water, as the other parents felt DS's problems weren't ASD. I wouldn't worry about the "fraud/resources" point - but think more

but think more in terms of where you and DS feel most comfortable.

I'm sure you aren't depriving another child of a place. My experience is that not enough people take up places, and if they don't, the whole provision is shut down. So you may actually be helping others.

I keep finding myself identifying with what you say in your threads emkana and yes I feel like this to. I took DD to a toddler group for children with special needs when she was about four months and another mum came up, peered at her and said "she looks fine whats wrong with her?" it completely put me off as I felt we shouldn't be there especially as my Dad had been very negative about me going to start with. All I wanted was contact with parents who understood what I was going through though so the fact that develpomentally DD's condition won't affect her wasn't the point to me. Also at my other baby group I was feeling really emotional as much of what was talked about just didn't apply to DD. Its a difficult one!

I feel as though I'm flitting between Holland and Italy but don't really have a home in either.

Ds1 (ASD) is at the milder end of the spectrum and so I feel a bit out of place when it comes to SN groups. Other people seem to have far greater needs and so in my more paranoid moments I wonder if other people are thinking "I don't know why she's here."

Sometimes ds1 can blend in quite well with NT groups and you wouldn't necessarily realise he has SN. At other times it can seem really obvious that there's something 'different' about him, even if you can't quite put your finger on what it is.

Ds2 (AS) is also at the milder end of the spectrum. If you saw him at school you'd probably find it difficult to pick him out as being on the spectrum. At the same time it's difficult taking him to NT groups as he can be fine one moment and then suddenly he will be screaming on the ground and punching himself in the face over and over again.

I feel like a bit of an interloper in the SN groups but can never relax in the NT groups either.

yeah, describes us as well, ds1 when ill is awful awful awful time, ds1 when well is completely normal child with no health issues at all. but I carry all those mental scars inside me, and I think he does too. and noone ever understands what it feels like/felt like/things we have experienced. but I don't want to whinge on to friends who would understand because their children don't get those periods of relief either.

No SN drop-in groups in our area, except one run by portage for people on their waiting list.
When I take DD to normal drop-ins she has fun but it's difficult for me watching her next to all the 'normal' kids who can do so much more and are so much more aware of their surroundings.
I'd be curious to try her in an SN group. We're in London and will travel!

I feel as if I'm in no-mans land between the two as well. Discussions at the support group I go to tend to focus on behaviour problems and I can't really contribute as DS2 is so placid. Yet he has little in common with his NT peers either - and I certainly don't feel as if there's much common ground between us as parents.

I haven't found any support groups yet but I'm hoping this will change once we start the Hanen program ( ASD version) and when we start the play therapy program at the hospital in August. There is a playgroup for ASD children near me but it is on at the same time as his ABA nursery so I've never been. DS1 used to be very placid but now has temper outbursts. But they are not severe, if he was 2 and not 4 (and tall for his age) no one would think them odd and he does calm down quickly. He has no sleeping or feeding problems and is easy to take out to cafes etc so I obviously wouldn't want to say that at an ASD group in case someone wanted to lynch me ! But I would love to meet anyone in RL who has a child who is not developmentally normal because no one else understands.

lol Totalchaos, la la land is our favourite place too. Seems to me that we've got our bags packed and have boarded the plane for Italy, but are stuck somewhere over the channel - (apols if my geog is way off - hence la la land) - with the announcements being made in swahili... generally by DD2.
Turned up for an sn meet and felt like a pork chop in a synagogue, then collecting NT kids from school only to be examined by another parent demanding to know which school I was sending DD2 to - er, this one?
Although apparently the 'third way' was all the rage a few years ago, perhaps we should resurrect to our own advantage...

It always scares me how these things escalate out of control - the blooming mothers are worse than the kids! I can't wait - bring it on! Meeting tonight for all new yr R intake parents. I'll be there with my notebook watching for troublemakers - athough actually I'm really going to see if I can spot the other two statemented kids parents, y'know, the ones with the horns and all....
ho hum
(so, have you looked at special schools yet? ) (runs off bravely)

For years I have had this feeling also. We certainly don't fit into (nt)Italy, but without a dx we couldn't access Holland! It was a lonely path for us all. Ds now attends MLD school and has just started to access an (8+) SN play club. Many of the other children at the club have more apparent additional needs so ds doesn't quite fit there (although it is lovely to leave ds to have fun in capaple hands)! Perhaps we are in France!

hmmmm, France with day trips to holland? you'd never lose that feeling of 'only visiting'?!

Romy and Tclanger how true! We brought out all the tactless (not to mention the downright rude) parental remarks too! The parents are worse than the kids - oh how I wish I was good at witty remarks! The best I could do was suggest to one particularly vocal mum she speak to the HT (not me) about meeting the needs of all children. The oddest one was blaming my almost nonverbal child for her childs 'bad language' and she didn't mean immature langage!
Perhaps we are trying to communicate in french in both Italy and Holland!

Our local paper had a story with the headline '1 in 5 children excluded have ASD' and the tone of the story was why are these 'funny children' in our classrooms spoiling everything for the nice normal children - completely overlooking that even by their own logic 4 out of 5 nice children are not that nice after all.

fucking holland

We use the phrase "a bit French" as family code for anyone who is a bit spectrummy like DS2! He can pass for normal, especially at home so I sometimes feel that people think that i am exagerrating but if he is ill or feels unsafe then he can be "away with the fairies" to use a popular Scottish phrase. We live in a small town so no choice of playgroups, nurseries etc. in some ways it is easier as everyone knows everybody and has seen them through all stages and in all moods, good and bad.

ooh ally, I like 'a bit french' - can see that catching on here
school seem prepared anyway - met the LSAs tonight, seem v lovely . Did spend most of the evening sporting a commode frame which I had borrowed from nursery to check if it fitted the school toilets (it's transitioning with her), which I'm sure gave some of the other prospective parents more questions than answers...