School Bullying - age 12- wtf to do here?!

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Son 12, ND. Relentless problems with one boy in his year. ( Year 7 secondary).

I have phoned the national bullying helpline. They've got good template letters for me to send to the Head outlining the problem incidents with the bully.

I really have no clue if progressing this as I plan to is going to help my son.

He's Autistic/ND. Gets by and is pretty funny, quirky. He has a few tics making things tough. He's in mainstream. I have no option to move him right now - none. I am not primary carer,.his dad is. I have severe health challenges.

There's one main kid, he's a rough kid, rough mum, I don't care anymore about his situation. I want him out but know that's not likely.

It's daily bashing and pushing about and tripping to the floor every break time, hidden under the guise of banter. Son struggles enough not getting detentions for his ND issues and this kid winds him up and sets off tics and he gets more detentions. A pastoral support teacher witnessed this herself when she went in to spot check.

I have a long list with evidence of 2 tik tok videos and 2 voice notes taking the piss out my son. One voice note is another pupil telling the bully how awful his bullying behaviour is to my son.

I want to send the whole lot with a letter to the Head now. We've had sporadic calls and he gets a telling off. That's it. I want next level.

His dad is saying it will make it worse for my son if I do this. I actually think that's very possible. Because the school I believe will just drag their heels.

What exactly can I expect? I feel paralysed right now because I think it will possibly escalate. My son hangs out in a large group of about 15 and he's in that group. He doesn't want to just sit alone. So it's very difficult.

The boy apparently follows my son about too. He's smacked food out his hand, laughs at him all the time. I'm raging.

Help. Anyone been in this position?

Yet, in school, he's the one being totally ripped a new arsehole because they're savvy in a way he isn't.

Oh I totally get you. The pastoral case in ds's school was overall good, though we did have to push. Particularly when they complained that he over-reacted and that his response was disproportionate to the provocation. An autistic child who has swallowed constant provocation is masking when he appears placid. His explosive reaction is not to the minor 'poke' that preceded it, but to the fifteen other 'pokes' of varying severity that preceded that one! TBF they did get it in the end, and provided good emotional support for ds, with hall passes, breakout rooms, regular access to a counsellor, and checkins with his HoY whenever ds wanted (ds got on very well with his HoY).

Inclusive education is not for every child with SEN. My ds is a perfect example of the child who can thrive in mainstream school with the right accommodations and support. Perhaps a school with and autism resource base would be better for your ds. Mine often went to the resource base during break times. He knew he would be safe there, and it was also a good place for re-regulation. He made his first good friends there with similar boys. A resource base, with specialist staff, could be a good middle ground between mainstream and special school, particularly for a child who is academically able to access the curriculum.

BTW my ds is now sitting A-levels, predicted good grades, and is looking forward to university in September. He is happy and confident, and has a wide circle of friends. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

@GazeboLantern thankyou so much for this. I'm absolutely on my knees with it all. Because I'm battling really tough illnesses. I'm trying to support his dad but what happens is I end up taking it all on, like this, and my health gets neglected and I get worse. His dad has alot on with family and work so I understand it's a challenge and he has only so much time.

I've written a long email to SEN asking please provide a safe space ffs. I have said it politely 😆. He is building a rapport with this pastoral lady but I always have to prod them. I so want his dad to start taking this forward but he just won't. Anyway, I'm asking please stop telling him to stand in the corridor, please ease off these daily detentions, please allow him to engage in more pastoral type activity.

They just aren't resourced or clued up and it's like spoon feeding a baby with them.

It's the fifty plus incidents daily that he's put up with, exactly like you say, that one day will lead to total breakdown or explosion. I've done it myself after ongoing abusive behaviour, just lost it after years. That's what this does.

My son's behaviour is so difficult but it's clear now there's little chance working on this and helping build empathy when he's daily dealing with this. He is clearly masking for his dad. That upsets me. I can't change or fix many of these things.

But I can for now whilst able direct school as much as possible on the things that will help.

We have no EHCP. NO specialist provider would take anyway because of that. He wants to stay in mainstream but the pupil bullying has been a problem since day one. When he was out of school for a few weeks,not sure why, my son was happier and doing better.

That's such a lovely outcome to hear for your son. 🙏School is awful these days for so many.

There are charities that help parents advocate for their children with SEN. Have you spoken to any of them?

I suggest you report your thread to MNHQ and ask them to move it to the SN board, where MNers who really get this will be able to support you.

Definitely pursue this. Not doing so is going to cause further trauma for DS. If the school brushes it off, escalate the matter and follow the complaints process.

Alongside the bullying issue, I would also raise DS being punished for his disability. DS should not be getting detentions for tics.

And also request a meeting to discuss what SEN support the school is providing.

In the future, follow up all verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence.

You can request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Thankyou. I'm really on the school ref SEN. I've relentlessly asked them to stop the detentions, in writing Some ok I support,most not ok.

I've asked now for a SEN plan and detailed what I want to see in it. The SENCO is well meaning but the system is a shit show.

I'm compiling the letter to the Head with evidence ref the bullying.

Sons dad is going in person to meet SEN. Dodgy as he doesn't get it or accept it. But I'm physically unable to do it.

It's so horrible this school situation. It's relentless and never ending struggles dealing with their approach. Thankyou 🙏

I've had the best advice from a SEN lawyer as part of a free 30 minutes. I phoned bullying helpline today who gave me a letter template. I did donate to the charity as payment. The sad thing, explained by the charity helpline, is there are no standard expectations and instead it's all at Headteacher discretion how to deal.

Are you up to joining the meeting virtually or via the phone? If so, that is a reasonable adjustment the school should be making.

If the school is still punishing DS for his disability, follow the formal complaints process. I would be mentioning disability discrimination.

The complexity is that my health is failing and worsening. I want his dad to start owning this a bit more himself. He has alot on and I have compassion for this. Yet, he'd happily sit in silence and let me do this all with no ownership. He'd do this even if I was on life support ( we have had something similar historically, not a joke 😆 but I will try laugh about the insanity of it).

This is the predicament. But I actually think it really might be worth just accepting his limitations right now and asking to be zoomed in too as you suggest. Do what I can, whilst I can.

I've written citing disability discrimination and the SEN has been working on it more vigorously since. The teachers still keep doing it and she will then sometimes go speak to them after the fact. This is the problem.

I do sympathise with teachers who struggle to know what to do if class is disrupted with noises, movements. It's difficult, I get it. Mainstream isn't entirely ideal but he is adamant he'd hate a specialist school, has no EHCP. He's doing pretty ok academically.

If the SENCO can’t stop the disability discrimination, this is something that needs taking higher. It is not acceptable.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. You can use IPSEA’s model letter.

I've composed my long letter and evidence statement to the Head referencing the discrimination in terms of the application of detention and the bullying which is based in discrimination based on ND status.

I have no strength to pursue EHCP at this stage. The groundwork is all here now.

I feel more empowered taking this on full force formally after this thread.

OP has already said she is unable to meet F2F because of her disability. It isn’t essential she does that when she is clearly not able to.

The disability discrimination is separate to the bullying but absolutely still needs raising. It isn’t acceptable and must stop.

You means you need an EHCP for SS.

I didn't see the posts from the lady before MN deleted. Eek .

I'm seriously unwell battling a multitude of illnesses, take chemotherapy plus other horrors. So it's not possible for me to get there and sit in a meeting. I think I could just about do a zoom though and will suggest that I tag on thst way to his dad.

Thankyou all 🙏