School Bullying - age 12- wtf to do here?!

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Son 12, ND. Relentless problems with one boy in his year. ( Year 7 secondary).

I have phoned the national bullying helpline. They've got good template letters for me to send to the Head outlining the problem incidents with the bully.

I really have no clue if progressing this as I plan to is going to help my son.

He's Autistic/ND. Gets by and is pretty funny, quirky. He has a few tics making things tough. He's in mainstream. I have no option to move him right now - none. I am not primary carer,.his dad is. I have severe health challenges.

There's one main kid, he's a rough kid, rough mum, I don't care anymore about his situation. I want him out but know that's not likely.

It's daily bashing and pushing about and tripping to the floor every break time, hidden under the guise of banter. Son struggles enough not getting detentions for his ND issues and this kid winds him up and sets off tics and he gets more detentions. A pastoral support teacher witnessed this herself when she went in to spot check.

I have a long list with evidence of 2 tik tok videos and 2 voice notes taking the piss out my son. One voice note is another pupil telling the bully how awful his bullying behaviour is to my son.

I want to send the whole lot with a letter to the Head now. We've had sporadic calls and he gets a telling off. That's it. I want next level.

His dad is saying it will make it worse for my son if I do this. I actually think that's very possible. Because the school I believe will just drag their heels.

What exactly can I expect? I feel paralysed right now because I think it will possibly escalate. My son hangs out in a large group of about 15 and he's in that group. He doesn't want to just sit alone. So it's very difficult.

The boy apparently follows my son about too. He's smacked food out his hand, laughs at him all the time. I'm raging.

Help. Anyone been in this position?

Will this be the very first communication you’ve had with the school pertaining to this issue?

You are not his primary carer
do you have PR?

No it won't. My son's stepmum has called twice about 2 incidents since start of school. I have also referred to the boy in general terms with general examples of behaviour in 2 emails. They weren't specific though.

Teachers have spoken to the bullying boy about this and he was asked to apologise in the past.

I now have compiled a more specific detailed summary of everything in one statement. I had not sent them the evidence before this. I was holding back at sons request and his dad's. I understand their pov.

I’d speak to that pastoral support teacher. Sounds like she has seen what’s going on. She may be able to give you a steer as to who to speak to next and how to approach it to get any results.

I do have PR yes.

His dad will go along with it if I force it. We have an ok relationship. Rather his dad is advising it might not be best. I can't decide in my minds if this is the right thing to do here. To help my son.

She told me over the phone. I need her to get that written down and back is up. She said she was angry watching it!

Op, I will say this gently
but I am aware of you from other threads talking about your son
are you ready for counter allegation to be levied against him?

Put the complaint in writing. Inform them that nothing has improved. Ask them in writing what their anti-bullying policy is. Ask what actions they will take next to keep your child safe.

If nothing changes escalate it up to the board of governors.

Be persistent and keep chasing until you get a sensible response.

You need to get a copy of the behaviour policy. It should be on the website. Then ask them to walk you through it and tell you where they are in the procedure.

This teacher called you to tell you about this incident?

what action did she actually take?

With this boy, no way at all on earth. He is absolutely dominated by this kid. He bullies alot of kids and often makes other pupils cry. He's well known so to speak.

Could my son dominate and be unkind to someone else? Yes I believe with the right mix of crap, he could. Has this ever been raised in school? No, never.

There won't be counter allegations here. The boy in question clearly has his own life challenges and is taking it out on my son. I don't want to make this whole situation worse.

We have relentless struggles with detentions, just getting through school. I want to address anything I can here to help my son focus on what needs to be focused on.

I fear making things worse through intervention at this particular age.

This happened to my daughter who also has autism. Sadly thw pastoral care were beyond awful, tried to turn it on her and their plans to address it were just shocking. I ended up contacting a local autism charity and the lady came with me to the meeting with the head of year…. They always step more when there’s a professional with you. I changed schools in the end

Is your son adamant he doesn’t want you to?

either way, the letter is good. Don’t make it teams of info. Short sharp focussed, specific examples with dates.

ask for discretion.

Did things improve?

This is the depressing reality for me. The school he's in is what you'd class as one of the better schools in the area.

I'm really sorry for your daughters experience. The school system is just not working and we have very little options in our situation.

You will understand this as a fellow mum I imagine - my son's behaviour can be challenging. But it's challenging to me as he's masking. He's revealing how unhappy and upset he is. I'm trying to get him to take accountability for shitty behaviour but with all this happening on school it feels hopeless.

I don't know anything about your other threads. I am the mother of an autistic child who was continuously bullied at mainstream school.

You meet in person with his HoY and the DSL or DDSL. You bring copies of everything you want them to see. You make notes during the meeting and offer them copies of your notes. You follow it up with an email to both of them, summarising the discussion and the agreed outcomes, ccing the Head. If you can't get both HoY and SL at the same meeting, you don't delay until you can talk to both of them at the same time. You meet with one and do as above.

You are the thorn in their side. Emailed can be ignored. Phone calls can be 'misunderstood'.

Your dh is wrong. Not standing up for your ds will bring more bullying down on him. It is the school's duty to safeguard him. Remind them of this.

If he believed my intervention would stop it, or reduce it significantly, he would want me to get involved. He's afraid of reprisal. He doesn't want to make it worse.

He's smart enough to see that the lad is kind of getting away with alot and enjoys sanctions like suspension. So he thinks, what will change if he isn't getting expelled.

And that's my dilemma.

What is your resolution to the situation? Schools can put consequences in place for the bully but you won't be given detail as to what this is as it involves another child. In your mind, what could the school do that they aren't doing? It is helpful to consider this as then you are being solution focused and this will mean you are working in partnership with the school to resolve the issue.

I changed schools in the end, a newly built school with less children. Ironically the main bully moved there too! My daughter became really ill and eventually in year 7 had to leave the school system and be educated via eotas at home. She got accepted to every university she applied to

You need to make clear to the head that your letter must be treated with the utmost discretion given your concern about the impact t on your son

How often is your son with you?

Did it help the situation in your case? Did it ease off? I appreciate your advice. I'm very frustrated as I want his dad to take more of a role here. I am getting more unwell and I'm trying to encourage him to own it. I'm always on at school and picking up every piece. ( SEN wise).

His dad will be going into school in person. I physically can't. But I can do all the writing pretty well and know how to word things pretty well. ( Not on MN though 😆).

Ref other threads, my son's behaviour is incredibly challenging towards me. I'm learning it's just me getting the brunt of it. His dad is telling of completely different experiences. School is really tough and I personally wonder if a specialised school would be better. My son does not want that at all though. Neither does his dad so I have to accept that.

The capacity for my son to bully is therefore there. I guess that's the reference in that part.

Yet, in school, he's the one being totally ripped a new arsehole because they're savvy in a way he isn't.

Every weekend.

We speak most days and do video calls. His dad is incredibly laid back. Incredibly. I'm much more, arghhh do something FFS.

This is a very good point. Some of the gaffs they make concern me. Like Fawlty Towers.

Yet, in writing, it's a good suggestion to make this reference clearly. Thankyou 🙏

This is a fantastic outcome for her. I'm glad that's now all behind her and she is succeeding.

It's horrible hearing all these stories though. I believe they're probably more common than some realise. I don't understand what exactly the school can do about it if the kids don't want to or just won't stop. Like you explain, many just leave in the end.

I wish I could but even if I was physically well enough, I wouldn't mentally cope with home school for my son. EOTAS isn't an option without his dad pushing this forward. I cannot do this alone. Im trying yet am banging my head metaphorically.

My son likes the people at his school mostly and enjoys elements of it so doesn't want to leave.