Is my 3 year old autistic - please help, driving myself mad

[Ihatemyselfmore]

I feel like I’m going around in circles.

as a baby my son was late to point, but had eye contact and responded to his name.he hand flapped a little when younger but grew out of it by 9 months.

he has always been slightly behind the development curve, he has been in nursery 3 days a week since 1yo. They do WEL-COMM assessments and he usually doesn’t pass his age range at first, but when they retest a few months later he will pass. He passes the age 3 ages and stages in most areas (he is 3y2m). He has hit all milestones with language and can speak in full sentences, can follow instructions easily (when he wants to..), plays with other children (when he wants to..), eats okay - a bit fussy, not overly tied to routine, no repetitive behaviours, can recognise emotions “the girl is crying, she is sad” “oh mummy, you have a cut - are you okay” and rubbing people’s backs when they are upset (but also may be mirroring others behaviours), affectionate with us, two way conversations etc.

However, he has intense tantrums, he hits kicks and throws both at home and in nursery - he has hurt us and he has hit other children at times, I feel awful about it and find it really distressing. He doesn’t seem to register that he may have hurt someone. If I tell him “we don't hit people, hitting hurts” he says he wants to hurt people and he wants to hit people. There is no stopping him doing it when upset unless you literally restrain him or move out the same room as him.

He also takes a while to warm up to people and will refuse to talk around people he doesn’t know or hasn’t been around in a little while, he will just communicate in grunts and squeaks. He also does this when over emotional or over tired and can’t explain what the issue is.

He really struggles to share and turn take, will escalate to crying and shouting very quickly. In general he is quite hot tempered. He is a very physical kid, runs and jumps all over the place and you. Still doesn’t sleep through the night.

He also repeats sentences when processing - I don’t think it’s echolalia as he isn’t repeating what we are saying. For example he dropped his ice cream and he would repeat “I dropped my ice cream and I cried, I was sad” again and again, we didn’t say any of this - but it’s like his way of processing what happened. He will play with other kids - but it isn’t his favourite unless they are running around and being loud and he will join in, he has some friends in nursery that he talks about, and is interested in other kids - asks what they are doing or where they have gone. He loves playing with us, doesn’t do much independent play but can do for 5 mins here and there. He lines up toys but also plays with them in normal ways, he doesn’t like electronic toys that move by themselves and would rather push them himself. He will play his own imaginative games but hard to engage him on imaginative play unless he has started it, my friends kids went on a “bear hunt” and he had no interest in joining in.

Sorry for the essay, I just wanted to give the full picture and get some thoughts. I have talked to nursery and they have talked about some measures to help him but just say he is still quite young and developing and it’s too early to tell and he may just need a bit more time around some of these areas of concern. They are very relaxed about the hitting and kicking (they obviously address it with him and are putting in support to help it stop, I mean relaxed with us), whilst I’m finding it very stressful the thought of him potentially hurting another child. I just feel very unsure of whether this is normal 3 year old behaviour or whether I should be pushing for assessment and formal support. If any one made it to the end of this do they have any thoughts?

Anyone? I appreciate it’s an essay, but would hugely appreciate any advise from the experience people have on this board ❤️

well behaviour is not great, but good thing he’s communicating and is on track for all these key milestones

for me I’d think this is more ADHD than autism but both can obviously overlap
but having a kid with ADHD, I have to say tantrums, lack of settling , hitting and all these do ring a bell when it comes to Adhd

it is very very early though usually you get accessed for adhd earliest 5yo for extreme cases

personally id get him speech and language therapy to help with Communication (expressing feelings etc) and then id take it from there

Thank you for your reply! I have wondered if it is ADHD too, as he is very energetic and physical - will dive onto you, throws himself around a lot. I wouldn’t say he has a lack of fear or danger awareness though - just very physical! Nursery have made comments about him that he struggles to sit still unless you have engaged him on something he is interested in (like his favourite book) and can struggle with circle time and not that into activities like arts and crafts. Though he loves to do food prep and cut food etc and will stand there for 10 mins doing that, likes to sit for a story etc.

Thanks for taking the time to read through my post and make some suggestions.

Yes all makes sense

Try not to worry there are various medications for adhd symptoms if he ends up getting diagnosed , sadly it’s very common

certain foods might trigger this behaviour more than others perhaps keep a diary

take care keep being strong xxx

Thank you so much ❤️

I understand that the tantrums are distressing for you but they may be on the more severe end of normal rather than something to be concerned about. How long do they last for? Do you often have periods of distress and aggression lasting, say, more than 30 minutes? And is it clear what prompts them or do they seem to come from nowhere? The big clue that my son's outbursts were not typical was that they often seemed entirely unprovoked, especially to nursery staff, and he was impossible to calm down for long periods.

Unfortunately 3 year olds do hurt each other and even typically developing 3 year olds will only just be beginning to understand what it means to hurt someone else. Rather than getting into a back and forth about not hurting someone, I'd reinforce the desired behaviour: "Gentle hands only." And give him another behaviour when he's angry eg squeezing hands, stomping feet.

He is only just three so will still be learning to share etc. If you're in the UK, the NHS will usually not diagnose ADHD until a child is 6, because behaviours in younger children can be hard to distinguish from typical behaviours.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. From what you say they probably are not on the severe side - usually won’t last more than 5-10 mins max, and always a clear reason - usually because he isn’t getting what he wants (a toy another kid is playing with, ending play time etc). It does happen multiple times a day.

I guess it’s just that either tantrums and screaming tend to be his first response to most things, asking if he wants a wee on the potty is never met with just a no, but screaming and crying no. We are trying to be consistent on if he is saying no to a question we are listening and not trying to convince him otherwise - as this may cause frustration, and only asking him questions where he really has a choice. Also not responding when he grunts but getting him to use his words (which was a recommendation from nursery). They also mentioned redirection, like if he is throwing give him a soft ball he can throw that won’t hurt anyone.

Thank you again for the information and advice ❤️

Your son sounds so similar to mine! I’m also debating whether he has autism/ a different type of ND brain/ is just a difficult child to parent.

I find the hitting other children and have had some nasty comments from other parents. I always take him home if we are out at the playground/ playgroup but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. He is just happy to be away from the other child so he thinks that he won, if that makes sense.

My son will also refuse to talk to people he doesn’t know. And even if you do know him he won’t answer a direct question. So if a stranger says “How are you today?” he will turn his face away and shut his eyes. If an adult he knows asks he will answer a completely different question, something like “Henry is the green train, he is number 3.”

No advice really, just replying in solidarity. I hate the not knowing, I think having a diagnosis or excluding autism would help me feel more confident in my parenting.

Hi @Moriquendi - so sorry for such a late reply - we have been away.

thanks for replying and whilst it’s not fun to go through I’m glad I’m not the only one!

The hitting is so hard, I really am at my wits end with it, as I completely understand other parents not wanting their child to be hurt and feeling frustrated if their child gets hurt by another child - your children are precious and you want to protect them by all costs. But they also don’t understand that when you have a child who hits, it’s really difficult to manage. We don’t ignore it or down play it, we have spoken to nursery and their SEN specialists to try different approaches - we are really trying to stop it but my DS doesn’t have the capability to understand how his actions impact others yet so it’s really hard to make him understand and it won’t help by locking him away and not allowing him to be near other children. He can actually play really beautifully with other children, and laughs and talks and runs around with them. But if it comes to sharing, or things not going his way, a switch flips very quickly. It makes me sad to think of other people thinking he is the “naughty” one or the aggressive one, when he is such a sweet child but unfortunately this is how he deals with things sometimes - he is just a very physical child - not sure why - neither me or his dad are - we were both quite chilled chilled and adults and my son is just a bag of energy.

My son will respond the exact same way to strangers - and has recently started saying “they are chasing me” of a stranger is walking close to him on a footpath etc. He will respond to questions from people he knows and is comfortable with but it is very brief unless they are engaging him in something he started or is really excited about and he can get frustrated with people really quickly. I feel like because he hits general milestones like walking, talking etc, and his vocabulary is really good, and he doesn’t have any obvious signs e.g. stims etc - these other things are ignored - but he is quite an explosive child and I feel like something must be causing this. We try to co-regulate with him, give him a safe environment to express himself in, explain things to him, give him choices and make him feel like he has some autonomy of choice - sometimes this helps, other times it has no impact at all 🫠

Sounds very similar to my son who is 3.3. We actually have an autism diagnosis cause he had a lot of signs until his second birthday (no pointing, not following instructions or responding to name, a bit of hand flapping, no words, hyperactivity, sensory issues, very delayed, meltdowns). He is in speech and occupational therapy 4 times per week and goes to preschool 16 hours per week.However right after his second birthday he rapidly reached most milestones for his age, said his first word at 2.5 and now speaks in sentences. He is empathetic and recognises feelings. He has a few friends, does imaginative play, is potty trained though still has accidents. He is struggling with taking turns, waiting and sharing, tantrums a lot, runs and jumbs all the time , it took me months to teach him not to elope. He hates circle time and won't sit. Will do some painting and crafts with me at home if i make it really fun but refuses at preschool. He has some sensitivity to some sounds but other sensory issues like teeth brushing seem to have disappeared. Same with hand flapping. He was obsessed with wheel spinning, now he has a passion for vehicles. To the point of screaming if you ask him to share his truck. Started sleeping through the night at 3. His doctors and therapists are confused. He might be more adhd or/and mildly autistic" or even typical, they say. If you meet him for the first time you wont suspect neurodiversity. He seems typical but pretty difficult (strangers would say bad parenting/spoiled which really isn't the case here) and maybe a bit delayed in language I'd say. I'm with him day and night and can't really tell anymore, I just keep supporting him with therapies and they have helped a lot. Saddest thing is we can't really enjoy outings and toddler activities because it can easily go south 😔

Hi @Nubcake thanks for responding!

it’s really hard when they are kind of showing signs, but not enough to be certain of anything. Even in the last month since I made my original post we have seen another leap in development - his language and understanding seems quite advanced now - we have full conversations and his understanding and explaining is really good. He was potty trained in two weeks and he has again done amazingly - he hasn’t had any accidents in a while, and tells us and nursery when he needs to go, can hold and wait - say if he needs to go whilst we are in the car and need to find somewhere to pull over. It’s actually been relatively a breeze compared to others. His hitting has got better, we haven’t had any reports in nursery for a few weeks, and experienced it much less with us too. I think it’s helped with his language coming on as he is explaining to us why he is upset. He understands danger and will make sure he doesn’t go near a road and will tell us to be careful etc.

He is still struggling with sharing and turn taking, especially if it’s his things. So he is doing better in nursery but not great if someone comes to ours, so I don’t really bother inviting anyone to ours right now as it’s not worth the tantrums and tears - so I understand how you feel about that. I find meeting out and about in a neutral place tends to be a lot easier for play dates and mostly he will do well and play nicely.

He still hates having his teeth brushed, it’s always a battle.

He is however, getting quicker and warming up to people and engaging with them. Sometimes super engaging other times not that interested.

We still get a usual amount of toddler tantrums, and I completely hear what you are saying regarding people assuming it’s “bad parenting” - that’s how I’m often made to feel - we try to do gentle parenting - but not permissive parenting, we set boundaries etc - but I feel like when he tantrums or can’t share, or really doesn’t want to following instructions/can’t get his own way - in public or even with some friends/family I end up feeling very judged.

Sounds like you are an amazing mum and doing all you can to get the support he needs, and it seems to be working well. I think you should be really proud of everything you have done for your son ❤️

Oh thank you, I appreciate it. And you seem a wonderful parent! I try to gentle parent as well. Just like you described above, it seems that language development plays a major role in behaviour etc. Something that really helps me keep going is not comparing and focusing on his progress. When he has a bad moment I try to think about all the things he has achieved. For example six months ago we used a stroller cause he would either elope or ask to be carried. Now he walks holding my hand, checks the road before passing etc. So I tell my self "he will get there on his own timeline".

@Nubcake so sorry for the delay in my reply. Thank you ❤️ And that’s a really good way to look at things - I try to remind my selves - kids don’t grow according to some parenting manual - everyone is unique and have their own timeline! I just sometimes worry I am missing an opportunity to support him more or get more support for him if he needs it.

Is occupational therapy available where you live ? I am located in Greece, there are many kind of therapies/early intervention programs available, what we do at the moment is speech therapy and occupational therapy twice a week each. The second has help tremendously with his hyperactivity and behaviour in general. They do a lot of stuff there but lately his therapist focuses on stuff like waiting, turn taking, completing a task before moving to the next. And I have started to see a difference especially when he is calm and well rested. He will say things like: "I will wait for my turn now" or "Can you give me that?" instead of grabbing the toy etc. Not always of course, we have a lot of bad moments, but I believe he will get there in a few months.

About brushing teeth. He still wont let me go near his teeth but he did let his speech therapist. So she used a mirror and taught him to brush. We turned it into a game. 'Who brushes better? Who has the whitest teeth? Lets do it faster, in front of the mirror while dancing!"😁 And he will brush his teeth twice a day but wont let me do it. So it was probably not sensory related. Same with nail cutting, he would scream and pull and cry. Oh that boy will now sit still as a statue to get his nails clipped if you reward him with a piece of chocolate or a cookie.

I also always wonder if I support him enough (I have met people who do so many stuff, beside basic therapies they will do therapeutical swimming and horse riding and play therapy or music therapy and the list goes on). But I try not to overthink it. And I also think that many things come with maturity if you know what mean. Kids grow and change.

@Nubcake thank you so much for these suggestions, and saying what has worked for your son - it’s really helpful to hear. I live in the UK and SEN support is really awful. To have any funded support is years long wait lists, and private is very expensive.

My nursery has a SEN specialist who has spent a bit of time with him and isn’t massively concerned and his language seems to come on leaps and bounds every week, he was never behind but now he is making up stories and explaining what he needs etc. But maybe looking into some private occupational therapy would help - he is really struggling to develop in sharing and turn taking and has quite explosive reactions to it. He has actually got better sharing with me and his dad, and will give us things to play with and tell us when it’s our turn and ask if he can have a turn - but other kids is still a struggle. Will definitely take your suggestion on the teeth brushing as that is still painful for us. Nail cutting used to be the same, but he actually just sat there and watched me do it yesterday contently.

In terms of the other stuff - it sounds like you have done lots with him to support his development. It’s all a balancing act and I was actually reading the other day how it’s not that great for kids to have too many extra curricular activities - as it’s good for them to just be at home with their parents, in their safe zone and building that connection l, or even being bored - as loads of development, curiosity and creativity comes from that ❤️

It sounds like your son has developed amazingly in some areas he was really struggling, you must be proud of him and should be proud in yourself with the support you have given to help him get there

I have an autistic dd who is 5 and when she was 2/3 she hit out at other children sometimes but her nursery dealt with it well and the behaviour disappeared. We also bought her a book called ‘Hands are not for hitting’ which really helped.

i think my daughter has a PDA profile, so sometimes it can be difficult for her to regulate her emotions.

What you should bear in mind though is that autistic children can be as different from each other as they are from NT children and only an assessment can give a definitive answer. But if questions are arising in your mind, try to get him assessed sooner, rather than later because it can be very damaging for a child to go through school with some staff really not understanding their difficulties because there isn’t even a report about them.

Thanks for the book suggestion, I actually just recently bought this :) To be honest the more I think about it the more I think he probably doesn’t have autism, he has never had a speech delay, loves socialising (can be shy at first, but loves playing with other kids and adults and communicates with them clearly, looks to their reactions etc), no repetitive behaviour, doesn’t have any fixated interests.

I do think he has some sensory processing things going on, like hating his teeth being brushed and being very high energy. But he doesn’t have any sensitivities to sights, sounds, smells. He has a lovely time in nursery with little support other than what his peers get and isn’t struggling. His tantrums haven’t been as bad recently too, and now reading more about SEN tantrums probably were more general toddler tantrums, especially more recently so, (but felt intense to me as a first time mum). We haven’t had many occurrences with hitting recently so we are seeing real development in this. I do still think there may be an element of ADHD - but in the UK they won’t diagnose until 5 so will not refer. I have spoken to the nursery SEN trained specialist and she has no concerns so I think I need to remember some of these things are developmentally normal - we just spent the weekend with two other three year olds and they all struggled with sharing. Also some neuro typical kids hit, as also some SEN kids don’t hit. It’s just really hard, but anyone I’ve spoken to are not concerned, I can’t afford a private referral and I won’t be put through for an nhs funded one as nursery, health visitor and GP are not concerned.

I mean, the thing is of course that a child who is more ‘subtle’ won’t be picked up at this age anyway. Certainly not by nurseries. Some provisions don’t like saying to parents that they’ve noticed anything different about a child. In my case, since most of us are autistic anyway I always say ‘don’t be afraid to tell me if you see autistic behaviours’.

But it really is a bigger picture thing - it’s a lot of things all put together to make a diagnosis iyswim. It’s probably a case of watch and wait.

Autistic children can really thrive in the correct placement for them so that’s something to bear in mind too. I found an ideal school for my dd where she’s really happy :)

That’s great, and your daughter is very lucky to have a mum advocating for her ❤️

Yes autism is a spectrum isn’t it and I’m sure there are plenty of undiagnosed kids and adults who don’t quite hit all the obvious signs, but could have flourished more with the right support so I totally understand what you mean

@IShouldNotCoco I did look at a private assessment as everyone I have spoken to who could make an nhs referral don’t think there is an issue. But a private referral for a 2 year old is around £3,000 and just not in the realm of affordability for me :( And even if you can afford it (we definitely can’t) there was the fairly recent panaroma show that showed the inconsistency across private practices in diagnoses and that often the nhs will not recognise a private diagnoses so even if you break yourself to financially afford the diagnoses, then you need to pay for the private support 😢

I meant diagnoses for 3 year old

Caudwell Children provides funding for autism assessments, if your income is under a certain amount so perhaps that might be an option for you? I think the child has to be aged between 4 and 11 though.

Oh and Caudwell children follows NICE guidelines and their assessments are accepted by LAs and the NHS.

Oh thanks for sharing this, unfortunately I think our household income is over the threshold, but we are in that middle group of people that with no family support (we both come from families who would both qualify for this support and live far away), a mortgage, childcare etc we don’t actually have much left for anything once all the bills have gone 🫠 (I’m not complaining as I know even to have a mortgage on our own home puts us in a very privileged position compared to a lot of people our age - but just puts us in that middle ground of being unable to qualify for support for these kind of things, but unable to afford it ourselves). Hopefully if someone else comes across this chat they will be able to use this - so very helpful to share ❤️

Your boy has a few qualities similar to mine, I’ve always wondered if it’s ASD from a young age. The repeating words is what caught my attention. My son does this, and I don’t think it’s echolalia either. His speech has been slightly delayed, though when assessed (twice) he was at the lower end of whats expected.

He will often say something like ‘that’s broken mummy, that’s broken, that’s broken mummy, that’s broken’ and keep going until acknowledged. One therapist thought it might be a type of stim, perhaps calming him if he feels anxious? She said it might be something he just grows out off.