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Original poster

If you get respite, how often do you have it?

35 replies

Thomcat · 28/04/2008 09:22

We have just set it up for DD.

At first I wasn't sure. Felt like I was pushing her out, maybe being a bit ott, we could cope fine on our own etc. I initially got in touch with them soon after DD3 was born as it was a bit mad round here and she was great with DD3 but not so good with DD2 so...

Anyway, things at the moment are exhausting. We don't seem to be coping very well with the constant 'no', the screams, bickering, stubborness etc. Our patience is at an all time low and our relationship is being tested.

Think I might need this respite care thing to kick in. I have 2 groups lined up, both offering 3 hours a week which we can use over the weekend. That feels way, way too much. I still want to be with her, just need her to have a break from us really and give her and DD2 a break from each other.

So how often do you have respite?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 28/04/2008 09:51

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mshadowsisfab · 28/04/2008 11:06

dd has respite at school. term times and holiday.
do go for it. you might not feel you need it now but as she gets older you wil.

ancientmiddleagedmum · 28/04/2008 11:47

When DS was at his worst, I got 2 sessions of 2 hours per week. Reckon it just about saved my sanity so don't you feel bad at all! My theory is that it's your first duty as a mum to stay sane and healthy, as otherwise you can't cope long-term; if you need short-term respite to achieve that, go for it. Now I have given it up as we have ABA at home and school to give me a break! Remember that even if you have a 3 hour break in a day, you are still with your DD for a minimum of 9 hours that day, so it's not like you're giving up on her!

Original poster
Thomcat · 28/04/2008 11:47

Wow Riven, you certainly need the help, that sounds exhausting, even with help aye.

With us it's no one big thing, it's just one samll thing after another, after another, after another. It doesn't seem to end. like Chinese water torture! Then the tiny things seem huge and we end up shouting and that doesn't help anyone. It's so draining right now and I want to enjoy being her mum again.

I will go for it, just a matter of how I do it really.

Maybe 1 company can do 3 hours every other Saturday and the other lot can do 3 hours every other Sunday????? So 1 week we she goes out on the Sat with someone and the next week she sees someone for 3 hours on Sunday and so on????

OP posts:
Original poster
Thomcat · 28/04/2008 11:48

Why am I crying?????

Maybe it's the realisation that i need outside help with my own DD and feeling sad it's come to this??

OP posts:
ancientmiddleagedmum · 28/04/2008 11:52

poor Thomcat, you are doing nothing wrong but I know what you mean. But tbh, I need a break from my normally functioning DD at a weekend sometimes too, so she goes to her grandparents. It's no different to that really, so don't beat yourself up or feel you have failed. When I used to come back from respite, I felt so refreshed and renewed that I was a better mum all round to both my kids. Big hugs from me, I know what it's like.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 28/04/2008 11:55

It's been a long hard battle. We are now getting to get 24 nights a year.

I think they've stopped our day care though; which means we'll have one weekend a month and three weekends with no help. I'm very very grateful for the sleep we're going to be able to rely on for the first time ever but I'm a bit worried about the weekends with nothing. They are miserable; there are only so many things you can do to occupy DS.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 28/04/2008 11:56

TC (((hugs)))

We all go through this I think. I went through it some time ago as I know we need time away from him no - no doubt about it - but I do still get pangs.

MannyMoeAndJack · 28/04/2008 15:55

We have only just started to receive some respite, a grand total of 3hrs every fortnight. This has taken more than 14mths of letter-writing and meetings to happen. We are also hoping to have respite one whole weekend every month too but this depends on several factors and it will probably take months of waiting....

I would say get things in place now whilst you feel as though you don't really need it, then we you do need it, it will already be there.

I guess every family is different but as long as I know for sure that my ds is being cared for by people who understand his needs and can provide him with a safe and secure environment, then I feel happy to take any break that comes my way. Hope you can relax whilst your dd is on respite, it does get easier with time and familiarity.

Yummymum1 · 28/04/2008 19:02

Thomcat i felt just like you when i asked for some sort of respite for ds1,mainly so ds2 could have some quality time with us without being bullied and abused by ds1.I felt terribly guilty about it but a friend pointed out that what sort of parent would i be if i did nothing and it was far better for us all to have a break now and again and then come back fresh.Ds1 has just started going to a saturday club from 10 til 4 every month.It was his first time on sat and he loved it.We had a good day and so did he and then that night he wanted me to put him to bed instead of usual dh and we ha d such a laugh together.Def go for it,it is so worth it and will prob improve your relationship too.

Davros · 28/04/2008 19:50

We used to get one weekend per month overnight respite and 10 hours per week DPs which I mostly used for someone to be with DD while I took DS to special sessions such as swimming. I think you have to try it and you are getting to the stage where you have to start trusting people who are not school people. The other thing that I feel very strongly about is that I think it is our children's right to spend some leisure time away from the beady eye of their parents and to have some freedom which is preparation for some independence, whatever they will be able to manage. You are not doing anyone any favours by resisting, least of all your DD1. Of course, this is all on the assumption that the respite is good but you can only gauge that by letting it happen. If it doesn't work then you don't have to keep it up but can look for another solution. Knowing where you live I may have an idea of the place that she would go as some friends live in the same borough and have a child somewhat older than your DD. I could ask them for feedback if you like. Stop giving yourself a hard time and don't look on it as abandoning DD1 or anything like that, it is just another opportunity for her to do things and experience things that, as a side benefit (understatement!), will help all the family.

theheadgirl · 28/04/2008 21:03

I've started looking into holiday playscheme for kids with SN to give me a break and to have time with DD1 and DD2. Apparently our LA offer one day per week (10 -3) where the child with SN is integrated into a mainstream playscheme. As DD3 has severe LD, and goes to a special school, I'm not 100% it will work. If it doesn't I'm going to look into respite in the more traditional sense.

fannysparkle · 28/04/2008 21:47

Oh TC don't feel bad, you need to recharge your batteries so you can be the best mummy for your dc. Hugs to you.

LMAsMummy · 28/04/2008 21:49

We get 3 hours each week, plus an overnight stay with a family (which my daughter loves) once per month.

mshadowsisfab · 28/04/2008 22:07

have to say this thread has shocked me. I amazed at how little respite you get.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 28/04/2008 22:37

TC, DS's day respite carer once put it this way (to make me feel better!) If DS was NT then he would now be getting to the age where he would be going on sleepovers with his friends sometimes. Just because that can't happen with friends (because his needs are so specific) doesn't mean he should miss out on the fun of a sleepover..

"Sleepovers" with the right respite family/centre can be great fun. DS clearly takes great pleasure in going; he is so sociable and we all get the best of him for longer periods when he gets to spend times with others.

Original poster
Thomcat · 28/04/2008 23:06

Thanks all.
Feel better that I'm not 'sending her away' too much.
She really needs 1-2-1 attention and just can't get that here with a mad and demanding 2 yr old sister that she finds hard work and a 7 month old that is being breastfed. So I know that for 3 hours over the weekend she'll have someone to take her to the park, something I struggle with on my own with them, or to the library, cineme etc.
I try and get DD2 looked after twice a week so I can Lottie to myself (well DD3 here but it's still easier).
It really is as much for her as it is for me, DP and the other girls.

mshadowisfab - it's shocked me too. So unfair how some people have fought so hard for so little

OP posts:
yurt1 · 29/04/2008 08:07

We get direct payments- 8 hours a week in school terms, 15 per week in school holidays - not al of that is respite though- most funds 'an extra pair of hands' so I can take all the boys out, or send ds2 and ds3 off somewhere to have ds1 (or vice versa). We've just started adding a holiday playscheme which I hope he'll be able to get once a week in school holidays.

DS1 started when he was about your dd1's ages. And it's good for him. He likes is- as a child gets older they don't want to be with their parents all the time- they need to do their own things.

We started when ds3 was born. It's much harder with 3 than 2.

oiFoiF · 29/04/2008 08:42

our deputy head once said to me, when you find a respite carer who you trust and employ yourself and who your child with sn gets on with and loves - its like their family is getting bigger.

In other words its as much for them as it is for you, so feel no guilt. We have all been there though

oiFoiF · 29/04/2008 08:44

oh and we get 3 hrs dp's a week. I presume dds review was refused because my social worker is avoiding me like the plague

We get a week of playscheme in the summer holidays too which is seperate to SS (yet they write it as their repsite which fucking annoys me) which I organise for her.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 29/04/2008 09:51

I really don't think Kids club should be included as respite. Unless you live locally, the travel to and fro takes up a good portuon of it, it's not that cheap either (not complaining as such; just not always easy to find the money).

oiFoiF · 29/04/2008 09:58

we dont qualify for kids club but I agree it shouldnt be counted as respite

ChocolateRockingHorse · 29/04/2008 10:10

Why don't you qualify??! You MUST do! There are kids that go with far less obvious SNs that your DD!

oiFoiF · 29/04/2008 10:16

I dont know why we dont, we always get put on reserve waiting list as we are not 'needy' enough

honestly dont get me started on it today! tbh I am not sure a playscheme place 10 miles away with no transport provided is any good for us anyway

ChocolateRockingHorse · 29/04/2008 10:40

I know but.. (sorry for getting you started).. they wanted to give US Canterbury as well as Sittingbourne kids club (!), as a "solution" to the "issues" being discussed, in ineffectual, circular fashion at Child In Need meeting, until I told them, no thanks, the other 2 have swimming club in sittingbourne, we only have one car and can't afford it anyway..

..and yet they only make you a "reserve" for Canterbury???!!! I am speechless.. you need to get hold of SW (that's also her initials isn't it??!) and NOW!!! And demand you start getting what you're entitled to... tell them you are going to issue an official complaint (you can do it by email, I have the address), that gets them jumping around! Sorry if I am teaching my grandmother to suck egss.. and I know all these takes energy you haven't go, but it's the only way to get anything done in this area and all of you are missing out!

I never wanted to be "one of those who shout and scream to get what they are entitled to".. I was always told that they are the people who get listened to.. and only them.. but sadly it's true.

I am going to email you.. feel free to ignore.. not trying to add to stress...