I know I'm being unreasonable, but get really annoyed at parents who seem to WANT their children to have special needs.

[daisy5678]

I see it in my job loads and all over the internet too, and it's making me really angry. And then I get angry at myself for letting myself get angry!

Before I start and get other people angry too , I just want to put my annoyance into context. My son wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and ASD until after he'd started school, and I'm sure there were a few people who thought - oh yeah, great excuse for the child's nightmare behaviour. I think part of the public's perception (and certainly the Daily Mail's ) is that parents make up medical conditions to get SN 'perks' and benefits for their kids or to excuse poor behaviour.

So I guess that's why it makes me so angry - I always knew that there was an underlying cause for my son's extreme behaviour and I know that I'm lucky that dx'ing was always done with no pressure from me - the professionals could just see it - but I've had a nightmare with DLA this year and was told 'we just get so many who make it all up'. So I'm now cross at those people who are making something out of (almost) nothing and giving everybody else a bad reputation. It also makes it much harder for people like Bonkerz, who has a child with something that clearly needs dx'ing but is having such a hard time getting it recognised, perhaps because there are some chancers out there clogging up the waiting list.

I'm not talking about anyone on here, by the way, but on another forum I go on, there's one person in particular who has a slightly unfocused child and who read about ADHD and decided that she and her child had it. She's said that the child is a little fidgety and lacks focus at times.

She got her child assessed by what sounds like a very sympathetic paed who went off parental history and was apparently set to dx or at least consider the dx'ing the ADHD until the school sent their reports in which said that the child was absolutely fine and no more fidgety than a normal child that age. They catergorically stated that the child did not have ADHD symptoms, so the paed wouldn't dx.

The mother was outraged and was all for sending her child to school on fizzy drinks to 'prove them wrong' . The paed had explained that symptoms need to be present at home and school but the mother saw this as part of the school's grand plan to deny her child the dx.

When pressed to explain the reasons that she wanted her child to be dx'd, given that there were no problems with violence, tantrums, hyperactivity etc., she said she wanted the child to 'get the help needed' - but couldn't really describe what.

She applied for DLA and was furious to be turned down - blamed the school report - though admitted that the school was just reporting what they found to be true - there were no problems with the child at school.

She then decided that she wanted child to be statemented (for being almost a year behind with spellings ) because 'other kids with ADHD are statemented' and saw the refusal to dx as another conspiracy to deny the child the Statement, despite being told that dx wasn't needed for Statementing.

I have met so many parents who will insist that their child has a condition in the face of evidence from their teachers, paeds, psychs/ whoever. This has usually been parents of children who behave poorly and are trying to find a reason, and I have some sympathy with that, though less so when they won't accept that there is no underlying condition, just more discipline needed. I understand wanting to find a reason for why your child behaves the way they do. I just cannot fathom this above example.

It really devalues what parents of children with genuine conditions go through and devalues these conditions too - this woman has self-dx'd her ADHD and had told her child that they had ADHD before they even got the CAMHS appointment and told the child that they can't help it if they can't concentrate or get bored - just tell the teacher you have ADHD! Now that the paed has said it's definitely not ADHD or ADD, she had told the child that the paed is wrong!

If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry. This is not about anyone on here; it's about those who are screwing up the system for the rest of us by exaggerating something to get what they can...and it annoys me when I've had to push so hard to get everything and still fell like I'm banging my head against a brick wall half the time .

No need to reply...just wanted to vent my anger!

Problem is, I see this from the other side.

I have been accused so many times of wanting dd to be classified as disabled, of encouraging her to think of herself as disabled etc. Dd herself has been accused of making things up, of having a perception problem, of being an attention seeker etc etc etc. Teachers have denied that she ever had a problem at school, despite my frequently being sent for to collect her.

It took 3 years before the paed went on a conference and spoke to a specialist on dd's symptoms, then came back admitting that yes, she was a classic case.

So anyone who listened to dd's first few paediatricians would class me as one of those mothers who want their child to have an SN.

From the HMS forum it is clear that nearly all sufferers come on with a similar history of being asked 'why they want to be thought of as disabled'(the answer being that they are usually in severe chronic pain and have mobility problems). This is something that happens with invisible SN.

Unsurprisingly, though the syndrome itself does not cause death, the mortality rate is still higher than for the normal population- it's the suicides that push it up.

I have friends who struggled for years to get their daughter statemented for Aspergers; yet she had some very strange behaviour patterns which were particularly obvious at school. It's not that easy in all LEAs.

I appreciate that the mother in the OP probably does not have a real problem, but it is as least likely that she is genuinely mistaken, not just trying to get attention. And I would be very loath to suggest that anyone wanted their child to have SN.

What they want is help. And it is often very difficult to access help without a statement.

I can see both sides to this. As paeds aren't always infallible, and there can be political and financial pressures not to diagnose (which probably coincide with the anti-labelling brigade). And for the last year I really thought that DS (with definitely DX'ed language delay) would also get a HFA diagnosis, and have been talking on here on that basis. You could have knocked me down with a feather when the joint clinic conclusion was that he probably didn't have ASD, "just" language problems. Still waiting for the written report with interest to see quite what language problem they think it is - as to whether it's delay or a disorder.

givemesleep, I haven't read the whole thread, but could it not be that this woman cannot explain appropriately the complexity of her son's problems?
In my case for example, I don't explain here on mumsnet all of DS's issues, I just discuss those I feel I could get some advice on.
It is difficult to write down a true reflection of how things really are, and I don't see the point anyway, unless you are trying to get useful feedback.
(Poor DH is the only person that gets my full account of the day and what DS has done and not done,etc)

If I ever talk about my ds3(asd), I never tell the full extent of his problems on a forum, because I don't like to dwell on them, I find it much easier to to just glib over his difficulties, but then maybe everyone does that.
My ds2 has problems sitting still, which I would describe as fidgety, but his teacher says he moves about excessively. I think he probably does, because at home I have learnt to not stress him out too much, so that he can cope better with school. I hope that makes sense.
Yesterday, for example he punched me almost continuously all day, shouted at me in the street, punched me in Sainsbury's, called me insulting names 'stupid', constantly, as in with every breath. People were walking around him and me, giving me a very wide berth. This is a typical day with my son. Today he is off school because he has the vomiting bug, and it is a hellish day so far. I have put him in the sun-room to do some painting and to have some quiet time. I can hear him shouting at the neighbours now. He shouts at everyone, he has very high moral standards, is how I like to put it.
I still describe him as being very rules-based, strong willed, and a bit controlling.

fidgety is a assively variable thing anyway- i describe ds2 (nt) as fidgety, he's certainly not adhd, but its still enough for him to get exctra school support a few times a week. the lines between nt and sn are blurred at best, and even after that (because ds2 clearly nt) its largely about what parents, teachers etc can cope with and personally define as ok- and that will always vary, and some mums will be on the any symptom is sn side, and others on the head in the clouds denial side.

anyway, show me a person who doesn't occasionally show adhd / as symptoms....

and just another thing that's occurred to me....

schools can underestimate problems - both NHS and private SALT (as well as me) agree that DS has receptive language problems. DS nursery teacher on the other hand.....