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I know I'm being unreasonable, but get really annoyed at parents who seem to WANT their children to have special needs.

56 replies

daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 19:17

I see it in my job loads and all over the internet too, and it's making me really angry. And then I get angry at myself for letting myself get angry!

Before I start and get other people angry too , I just want to put my annoyance into context. My son wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and ASD until after he'd started school, and I'm sure there were a few people who thought - oh yeah, great excuse for the child's nightmare behaviour. I think part of the public's perception (and certainly the Daily Mail's ) is that parents make up medical conditions to get SN 'perks' and benefits for their kids or to excuse poor behaviour.

So I guess that's why it makes me so angry - I always knew that there was an underlying cause for my son's extreme behaviour and I know that I'm lucky that dx'ing was always done with no pressure from me - the professionals could just see it - but I've had a nightmare with DLA this year and was told 'we just get so many who make it all up'. So I'm now cross at those people who are making something out of (almost) nothing and giving everybody else a bad reputation. It also makes it much harder for people like Bonkerz, who has a child with something that clearly needs dx'ing but is having such a hard time getting it recognised, perhaps because there are some chancers out there clogging up the waiting list.

I'm not talking about anyone on here, by the way, but on another forum I go on, there's one person in particular who has a slightly unfocused child and who read about ADHD and decided that she and her child had it. She's said that the child is a little fidgety and lacks focus at times.

She got her child assessed by what sounds like a very sympathetic paed who went off parental history and was apparently set to dx or at least consider the dx'ing the ADHD until the school sent their reports in which said that the child was absolutely fine and no more fidgety than a normal child that age. They catergorically stated that the child did not have ADHD symptoms, so the paed wouldn't dx.

The mother was outraged and was all for sending her child to school on fizzy drinks to 'prove them wrong' . The paed had explained that symptoms need to be present at home and school but the mother saw this as part of the school's grand plan to deny her child the dx.

When pressed to explain the reasons that she wanted her child to be dx'd, given that there were no problems with violence, tantrums, hyperactivity etc., she said she wanted the child to 'get the help needed' - but couldn't really describe what.

She applied for DLA and was furious to be turned down - blamed the school report - though admitted that the school was just reporting what they found to be true - there were no problems with the child at school.

She then decided that she wanted child to be statemented (for being almost a year behind with spellings ) because 'other kids with ADHD are statemented' and saw the refusal to dx as another conspiracy to deny the child the Statement, despite being told that dx wasn't needed for Statementing.

I have met so many parents who will insist that their child has a condition in the face of evidence from their teachers, paeds, psychs/ whoever. This has usually been parents of children who behave poorly and are trying to find a reason, and I have some sympathy with that, though less so when they won't accept that there is no underlying condition, just more discipline needed. I understand wanting to find a reason for why your child behaves the way they do. I just cannot fathom this above example.

It really devalues what parents of children with genuine conditions go through and devalues these conditions too - this woman has self-dx'd her ADHD and had told her child that they had ADHD before they even got the CAMHS appointment and told the child that they can't help it if they can't concentrate or get bored - just tell the teacher you have ADHD! Now that the paed has said it's definitely not ADHD or ADD, she had told the child that the paed is wrong!

If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry. This is not about anyone on here; it's about those who are screwing up the system for the rest of us by exaggerating something to get what they can...and it annoys me when I've had to push so hard to get everything and still fell like I'm banging my head against a brick wall half the time .

No need to reply...just wanted to vent my anger!

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sarah293 · 26/04/2008 19:30

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daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 19:35

Yes, the attention thing. Cos it's so joyful going to all the appointments, isn't it!

This woman actually said that she wished her child had a physical disability because then DLA wouldn't be able to argue with her!

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cyberseraphim · 26/04/2008 19:36

I saw an article once where an adoptive mother was convinced that her daughter had foetal alcohol syndrome - her reasoning being that despite the teachers saying the child was bright and good at reading, she (the mother) was concerned that the girl could not concentrate for long periods of time and did not get invited to the most fashionable birthday parties because she wasn't outgoing enough - It was in the US

Blandmum · 26/04/2008 19:36

Some people are sick. Others are just too stupid to realise what have a child with SN can entail.

daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 19:38

It must just make the CAMHS people and paeds and DLA people, as well as Statementing bods at LEAs, so much more cynical and wary of parents who need them most.

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sarah293 · 26/04/2008 19:40

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daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 19:48

We are indeed very, very lucky.

I remember a mum at ds's school telling me she was so jealous that he got one-to-one help all the time - "no wonder he's so clever" and the whole Mummy Mafia were furious when they found out that I'd been told his next class teacher before they'd been told their children's - don't even know how they found out that I'd known first, but I was quizzed about it and there were raised eyebrows. They also think that we are very, very lucky to have a Blue Badge, but also disapproving because 'he can walk, can't he?'

Oh, the perks of SN.

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sarah293 · 26/04/2008 19:59

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Blandmum · 26/04/2008 20:01
Hecate · 26/04/2008 20:06

There are parents who want their children have disabilities? That is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 26/04/2008 20:10

I understand totally but we do get some people telling us that some of ds3's issues are not there (not the speech thats blardy obvious), often people who've met hiom once (someone who never met him once) and then their rep[ort gets taken against all the ones done by people like SALt, CM etc who have met him many times and seen his problems. I think some people think we make it up, until theyve spent lots of time with him.

But thats different in that he really does have SN- I dont get those who make it up. yet theya re there- saw a lasy tosday on crutches walkinga way from (I would imagine) her daughter, once out of sight she picked up the crutches and walked normally

why??????????/

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 26/04/2008 20:13

cyberseraphim thats odd, as I know 3 dasoptive mums with genuines ASD kids who refuse toa ccept that DX and insist its FAS as well, always 'just coincidentally without the facial signs'

its as if they need someone to blame, or they villify the unable-to-cope mums so much they have to blame it all on them

sarah293 · 26/04/2008 20:15

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daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 20:19

I agree that often the professionals either don't see all the issues (because they haven't spent much time with the child or because they are employed by LEAs and so are duty bound to say nothing that could lead to spending money). It must be v frustrating, peachy.

However, this woman has only described slightly distracted behaviour and the school say it's age-appropriate. She has been asked if the child is violent or unsafe in any way, and says no, the child is just fidgety and distracted 'sometimes'. So it's not a case of professionals NOT seeing 'it'; 'it' is not there to see any more than in any child that age!

And she's been advised by a well meaning member of this forum to describe her child to the DLA appeal 'as if it's the very worst day ever', so now the mother is busy fabricating a whole 'typical' day scenario to get the DLA grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 'should I say X tantrums all the time because X doesn't now but will unless we start getting the help we need' aaaaarrrrggggh

Martianbishop, sorry about your husband.

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PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 26/04/2008 20:22

Ah, she literally jumped over a kerb! Dh and I were flabbergasted- and then as dh said, both thought 'DLA' at the same time.

But- even without the moral stance / pain for genuine claimants etc- why on earth would anyone want to fill in that form for what is effectively a not huge amount? Its an awful form! I haven't even done Sams yet (way overdue,) as doiing Harry's was bad enough. Kpet making me wonder about ds4. Who is having tests soon for cardiac stuff so really dont need any other worries about him!

pantiesandsussies · 26/04/2008 20:24

A few weeks ago I put on here about the lady who come up to me in the playground and screamed at me how ds only had a statement because he was a crip. At the time I said something like well work for it then like I did. I would of helped her in any way I could .. not now! I never did tell dh, even though he could see I was upset. My mild mannered fella would of killed her.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 26/04/2008 20:27

The avice about worst day is often given but is emant within the bounds of reality!

luckily we're opast the whole LEA statement thing now, as both boys have them. Ds3 lost his DX 9agin!0 after someone who'd known him 3 weeks debated a point with us when Paed was there (!!) but again, past caring if he gets a DX! Changes nothing, he gets the help for the speech anyway so not as if he's missing out.

It was the computer thing IIRC- we said he was obsessed. Helper said 'but all 4 year olds like computers'. Well yes, but not for 8 hours a day, to the exclusion of all including emals if given a chance, with screaming if not allowed. I hve several kids- I can tell the difference LOL

Anyway yes I agree with your OP LOL- rather wandered off point! Sorry!

pantiesandsussies · 26/04/2008 20:32

givemesleepnownownow = it might of been me, who told the woman to write down the worst case scenerio. I was told be my sons paed and then his physio to write down what I would tell a person who had never met ds and was going to have him for a fortnight. Ds has had dla since he was about 6 months (i think,he might of been a little older) he started school with a statement. He will always need help, he will always be dependent.

daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 20:38

Panties - - that's awful. I would have killed her too and then gone to prison where J would have loved visiting hours because he could fiddle with locks and keys to try to free me

Peachy - the computer thing is soooo true - my mum always says 'oh well, your brother liked computers too' - she has just about accepted J's dx, but has to be reminded that ALL day is not actually normal so, no, I'm not being mean in trying to wean J off it a bit. Sorry to hear about ds4 - hope that the heart thing is OK. I love your new nickname!

Re: my last post, I didn't mean a member of this forum, btw. I meant the one I'd seen all this on.

I do feel bad to have come on here and bitched quite so unpleasantly about this woman, but I get so cross with her 'I am so tired of fighting/ battling' / brave victim rhetoric and want to invite her to mine to see what reality is really like!

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pantiesandsussies · 26/04/2008 20:59

givemesleep. Heh, she could do a week at yours then a week at mine. Lets see if after all that she is still so adament she needs a dx for her dd.

drowninginlaundry · 26/04/2008 21:02

Some parents want their children to have special needs?? to think that some parents might be jealous of my life... the endless appointments, the arguments with the school, the three SENDIST appeals, the constant haemorrhaging of money on therapies and assessments and lawyers, the gawkers in the supermarket... form an orderly queue, people, all yours, why don't you have a go then!

My FIL thought that we had invented DS1's autism to 'draw attention to ourselves' because we are 'fundamentally selfish'. each to their own.

TotalChaos · 26/04/2008 21:10

given the difficulty getting any NHS appointments for DS, nevermind a DX other than speech delay, my mind always boggles that anyone fakes it. however a few pals on other forums who have no axe to grind assure me that unfortunately it does happen.

daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 21:17

Drowning in laundry - - 'fundamentally selfish' - [shock[. Do you see your father in law much these days?!

I don't think people want their kids to have special needs so much as they want the 'perks' associated with it. I would just rather not have the Blue Badge, the DLA, the Statement, the OT, the SALT, the CAMHS stuff and have a happy little boy who was going to have an easy life.

I'm not saying I'd swap with the woman with the slightly fidgety child, mind you, but it's insulting that she wants what we have without having a reason to have it (if that makes any sense).

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Tclanger · 26/04/2008 21:20

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daisy5678 · 26/04/2008 21:33

I suppose it also goes with that slightly competitive parenting thing, but it always seems bizarre in the context of SN.

One forum I go on has that thing where you have a message/ tagline that always comes up at the bottom of your messages, saying who you and your kids are and what their needs are.

One mother took great delight in saying one day, 'that's two more conditions to add to my tagline!' - she had written: 'speech and language difficulties, auditory processing difficultes, language difficulties, speech immaturities, speech disorder, hearing disorder' and a few more things about her son. It was like a competition to see whose child had the most SN!

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