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Is it awful or understandable or just human that I...

37 replies

emkana · 24/04/2008 20:45

... don't really like listening to my friend telling me all the things her dd, who is 4 months younger than ds, can do.

A part of my is pleased for her, but it still stings.

OP posts:
Nat1H · 24/04/2008 21:14

It is completely understandable. I stopped going to 'ordinary' playgroups because I couldn't stand watching the other kids and comparing them to mine. I still look at other kids and wish my DS could be like them - although in the same breath I wouldn't change him for the world! Can you explain to your friend how you are feeling about your childs development - maybe she would lay off a little.

TotalChaos · 24/04/2008 21:16

completely understandable. when ds was 3.5, a friend was gaily telling me about how she thought her 18 month old was "special" (i.e. special needs) in comparison to other kids his age who were speaking in 3 word sentences. Seeing as DS had only just managed a 3 word sentence at that time, I was not pleased. I think that Nat1H is right - she probably is clueless about how you feel, and would hopefully change her ways and find someone else to boast too!

Woooozle100 · 24/04/2008 21:19

Hey at least yr partly pleased - can honestly say I never gave a toss about what dd's nt peers were doing Well I did - but not in any complimentary way to them - more in a bitter and twisted 'how dare you' (child) and 'how dare you gloat' (to the parent)

I think good mates should be quite sensitive to this and back off a bit from regaling you with their dc's achievements. Or at least appreciate if you may be not so enthusiastic or even offish it really isn't owt to do with them.

My dd is 3 in couple of weeks and I have mellowed a bit now

PipinJo · 24/04/2008 21:36

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drowninginlaundry · 24/04/2008 21:44

Absolutely understandable! It gets easier over time, I think, but a part of me will always be thinking what DS1 would be like, today, if he was NT. Would he be into Spiderman like my friend's DS, would he be having sleepovers like my friend's DS? It's hard not to compare. It's also hard to be happy for other people's lovely perfect life when it's shoved down your throat... I think good friends should understand without you having to tell them.

sphil · 24/04/2008 22:41

I thought it was getting easier, but my SIL has just had a baby and I find myself jealous when my Mum says things like 'Oh, he really follows her voice and watches her as she moves round the room'. Stupid, because so did DS2 at that age.

Tclanger · 24/04/2008 23:31

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TotalChaos · 25/04/2008 08:14

TClanger - I'm still not bright enough for lace up shoes - and I have an Oxford degree

sarah293 · 25/04/2008 08:17

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eidsvold · 25/04/2008 08:18

you are just human - it does and will sting BUT you at least are able to be pleased for her too.

I find it hard as I have a niece who is a couple of months older than dd1 - so when they are together it is hard for me to see all she is doing compared with dd1. I am pleased for my SIL and niece but sometimes I do get a little sad.

My SIL is fabulous and celebrates all that dd1 does too.

yurt1 · 25/04/2008 09:32

sensitive friend! Really hard. Does she do it an unreasonable amount (in which case I would avoid her for a bit) or is it just 'normal' amount (in which case I would apply that fixed grin then go home and have a really long hot relaxing bath). Don't put yourself in situations that make you feel miserable though.

Too bright for velcro shoes???? What The Fuck? Is that the mother of a PFB by any chance? That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard. PMSL.

moondog · 25/04/2008 09:34

lmao at velcro shoes.
I would advise to steer clear of people like this and not expose yourself to unnecessary pain (and feel secretly smug at how utterly gorgeous your ds is)

Cappuccino · 25/04/2008 09:36

my children are too clever for wellingtons

also jumpers

I personally am far too intelligent for my own bra

moondog · 25/04/2008 09:36
Grin
Tclanger · 25/04/2008 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cappuccino · 25/04/2008 09:39

being serious emkana I hated it early on with dd

but as time went by (she's 7) it just gets easier, because things are different with dd, and everything is not measured in months or 6-month gaps

I found myself actively disliking some of my friend's children if they were especially precocious

it's understandable, not awful, and completely human

but not permanent, ime

moondog · 25/04/2008 09:43

At risk of sounding like Mary Poppins (which really really isn't me) in my life and job, we feel a great deal more joy i think for the progress and steps which are conquered at such great cost.

The child who uses his PECS book to say 'I want a present' when he has never ever been interested in Christmas before.

The one who sings a solo in the school concert when he has never managed to stay on stage the whole time before.

The little boy who, for the first time ever,takes his own plate to the sink to be washed.

The teenager who goes on a night out with her friends without a parent in tow.

Those are the things that make your heart fill with joy and fill you with hope for a dignified, meaningful and independent future.

yurt1 · 25/04/2008 09:43

I dunno. I do avoid being round 9 year old boys. (and when we looked round ds2's school the class of then 7 year olds was quite difficult for both of us - we talked about it afterwards).

But people don't tend to make velcro shoes type comments once their kid is older so you don't have to listen to that rubbish.

Other ages don't both me. Just ds1's peer group.

TotalChaos · 25/04/2008 09:51

I find that my friends with lots of kids don't make thse PFB comments at all, they are sort of past that stage.

At the moment I am finding it a bit hard when the younger siblings of DS contemporaries are outstripping him in their speech (or at least it all comes so NATURALLY to them, in a way it didn't with DS), or when another friend's 18 month old is in some ways as able as my boy was at 3.5.

TotalChaos · 25/04/2008 09:51

and yes, velcro is the root of all evil. It's a slippery slope that starts with velcro and descends to......CROCS!

yurt1 · 25/04/2008 09:58

Hey, now now, we are a crocs family.....

TotalChaos · 25/04/2008 09:59

So are we

cyberseraphim · 25/04/2008 10:14

So are we - though I saw a report yesterday saying that they are not 'safe' to wear on escalators - but DS1 never wears them outside when he is ODing on escalators so we should be okay. I don't really mind seeing other children his age, at least not most of the time, but I really hate seeing any of the boys from our church playgroup who are the same age. When they were all 10 months old, I really didn't see any differences but now I pathologically avoid them and their mothers - event to the extent of crossing the road or hiding !

bullet123 · 25/04/2008 10:17

Most of the time I don't mind, because the people who are proud of their children's achievements also praise Ds1's achievements and understand his difficulties.
However, there is one exception. There's one woman who has a very annoying habit of spending ages talking about how wonderful her grandchildren are, how early they spoke, what they have achieved. She will laud them to the heavens whilst I am sitting there thinking "I count it as a great acheivement when Ds1 tells us he needs a wee, or when he asks for some food."

cyberseraphim · 25/04/2008 10:20

There was a thread on another group about a girl who studied maths at Oxford when she was 11 (or thereabouts) but now she is working for an escort agency. Maybe that is what we should be saying to these people?