Can't cope with adhd stepchild

[Katbum]

I hope it is ok to rant here and ask for help. My SD is 9 and has ADHD diagnosis. She lived with us for a year as her mum couldn't cope and is now back with her mum because her behaviour escalated with the emotion of being rejected (in her eyes) by her mum. She stays with us for half the week and her mum the other half. Her behaviour is awful and seemingly worse since diagnosis. She won't follw a single request, command or instruction, she throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, talks incessently (she will literally get home from school and sit on the sofa for hours just rattling on with no pause, even if no one is listening/responding), doesn't seem to care about consequences, jerks about smashing things. What's very difficult at the moment is I have a 8 month old baby who she won't leave alone, she picks her up, swings her round and jerks her about - it is not vindicive but it is very difficult to manage as she doesn't respond to being told not to do something. I am quiet patient and don't shout or lose my temper, but my husband has less patience and they end up in screaming matches, with the baby crying and everyone sick from stress. I'm terrified of the teenage years as she is very needy and beautiful and so vulnerable on top of her behavioural issues.

Her mother doesn't want to do medication so we are using behaviour management techniques, such as breaking down tasks into simple instructions, enforcing consequences for bad behaviour and sticking to a routine. It is not having much impact. It is hard as I obviously don't get a say in the medication/strategies due to not being legal parent. I'm sure the period of being away from mum has not helped her sense of security and feeling loved.

I am at the end of my tether and just want to leave my husband, take my baby and set up somewhere peaceful that I don't have to deal with this. I am the breadwinner and have started to resent all the money and time and opportunities I and my daughter are losing/missing by being in this marriage. I daydream that he leaves me and have even been instigating arguments recently in the hope he will get fed up and break the marriage. Although we have a good relationship other than this issue, it dominates everything and makes our home miserable. Her mother said it is the same in their house - the days she is not there are blissful and everything shifts on her return. I know this must be awful for the child, but I don't know what to do at the moment, and am worried about the effects on my daughter and my own mental health. If anyone has advice of where to go or strategies I can use to make things bearable, I'll be really greatful.

See if this resonates with you about step DD

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/#

I’d have thought in her circumstances, it’s quite possible?

It’s not that they don’t care about the consequences, but they are so impulsive, they act without thinking about the consequences at all!

Girls are more likely to display emotional hyperactivity - ie, emotionally they go from 0 to 10 immediately, rather than the shades of grey in between like 2, 3, 4…..Hence more tantrums!

Shouting matches are likely to ramp them up even more, imo - it’s best to stay calm.

My DD (with ADHD) doesn’t understand instructions, unless they are really simple, although in her case she just gets in a mess, as she doesn’t know what she is supposed to be doing, rather than having a tantrum. However, one of my main memories of her childhood is the emotional volatility!

I would say, your step DD needs help but the reality is accessing CAMHS for mental health support for children seems to be a very uphill job! What help does she get at school, because if she is struggling all day there, it would make things worse? Look up the Coke bottle effect.

My DD has never got any help or support for her ADHD apart from medication, from mental health services. Medication does help - it improves the attention, and reduces the emotional hyperactivity and fidgeting. I can never understand why some parents won’t try it? It doesn’t turn them into a zombie or any of that nonsense - just calmer people, who function better at school/work.

Sorry, it doesn’t help much. Do you see any of her in DH? There is a genetic component?

Thanks @Quisquam that's interesting about the rejection sensitivity. She doesn't necessarily display that, but she certainly may be being triggered by feelings of rejection and worthlessness as everyone is so cross with her all the time. I think also her total erratic mood/movement patterns make it difficult to know what she is experiencing emotionally, and because she talks literally non stop with topics just running out of her mouth in this disjointed way that isnt necessarily linked to what she's feeling, it makes it hard to know.

Her mother is generally anti medication (no vax etc) so I can't see her changing her mind on this.

I think it might be mum rather than DH who is the genetic link, but then DH has problems with handling emotional outbursts and dealing with stress (he breaks out in hives on days when she stays with us) that make the whole situation more difficult. Staying late at work tonight just to avoid the whole mess as much as I can.

Oh and the school are not doing much other than identifying her as someone who is struggling and giving her easier worksheets than the other children!

@Quisquam‘s post is excellent. I second looking at Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Tantrums or meltdowns?
Won’t or can’t?

DH/DSD’s DM need to request a meeting with the SENCO. The school should be providing support. DH should look at whether an EHCNA needs to be requested. Has DSD ever had a sensory OT assessment?

Ultimately, there needs to be far closer supervision between DSD and the baby.

Some find The Explosive Child book helpful. I know DSD has been diagnosed with ADHD, not ASD, but have PDA strategies been tried? Some with ADHD still find them helpful.

Is there consistency between houses?

One more thing - enforcing consequences for bad behaviour is really punishing them for the way their brain works, which they can’t help. See this:

https://www.additudemag.com/child-discipline-adhd-strategies/#:~:text=Punishment%20only%20results%20in%20them,outbursts%20%E2%80%94%20and%20they%20often%20do.

It sounds as if her needs might not be met in school. Some children mask at school and let it all out at home. This could be what is happening to her.

Have you thought of getting her involved in an activity like horse riding? My 14 year old with ADHD and ASD took up horse riding and turned out to be brilliant at it and she has been much happier ever since.

Also, beware of thinking that it must be your stepdaughters mother who is the genetic link. There are a lot of ND people out there, many of them undiagnosed. It is hard to be treated like a problem. One day your baby could have some issues that she needs help with and you won't be able to leave and set up home by yourself, then.

Her mother has said to me she believes she and her siblings have undiagnosed ADHD. Obviously I wouldn’t walk out on my daughter, but I would have a say in things like boundaries, bedtimes, medication and so on, which would make dealing with it easier.

I would have a say in things like boundaries, bedtimes, medication and so on, which would make dealing with it easier.

If you do end up with a child diagnosed with ADHD you will humbly realise that it’s often not that simple or easy. If it was these boards would be largely empty.

Yes, if she's having a chaotic life then that's not going to help how she presents. Medication can definitely help in some cases. It didn't do much for my dd but she has the ADD type which is different.

So has the doctor suggested medication but her mother doesn't want her to have it?

Just because DM thinks she may have undiagnosed ADHD doesn’t mean DH doesn’t as well.

Sorry what does diagnosing my husband with ADHD have to do with anything? He doesn't present as ADHD but who knows? And sure, nothing might help her. Its hard for parents of special needs kids. I get that, which is why I want to leave. She is not my child. I have no say in how we manage her disorder, but she impacts every aspect of my life. I made the decision today to end the marriage so hopefully I can focus on my daughter now and whatever needs she has in the future and no longer be caught up in other peoples' mess.

No-one is diagnosing anyone. I and others are pointing out ADHD can have a genetic component because if DH has ADHD it may explain his responses to DSD’s difficulties and why they end up in “screaming matches”.

But when you marry someone, surely accepting the challenges they face is a part of that?

Nobody should stay in an unhappy marriage and you do sound at the end of your tether tbh but leaving is going to create more unrest for your dsd. And presumably, your dd?

ND conditions do tend to be generic and I think that's all people are pointing out.

I think people are mentioning your DH because your posts seem to be pointing the finger of genetic blame at the DM.

The situation sounds exhausting, no wonder you are exhausted. It’s good to acknowledge that something needs to change. There’s a lot of ‘she won’t…’in your post, rather than ‘she can’t’. Why not try reframing with help from The Explosive Child or PDA strategies?

My DH was very anti medication for our DS8. But the psychiatrist that diagnosed the (quite severe) ADHD explained that the difficult y is that kids with ADHd miscue all the time - and they need to learn social norms and without the meds, they would get to 16 and not have a clue. I am also aware that 75% of prisoners have ADHD - usually offending when not on meds or if they have never been medicated.

i was at the end of my tether constantly with DS but the meds have made a huge difference. Yes - there are side effects and draw backs - but when I had to consider what his life might be like without meds (unable to learn, excluded from school) I thought that the meds were the better of 2 evils.

can’t you talk to your DH to see if he can persuade the mother to at least try it?

The thing is, I really don’t think DH has ADHD as he has no symptoms, has led a life of following norms and social cues and the only person who makes him shout is DSD. Even her mother said ‘wow I never knew him to lose his cool before’ when she saw them go at it. And told me she thinks she has ADHD, so it’s not about blame coming from me.I think DH temper is coming from sense of helplessness and panic about what is ahead.

I think meds would be a good thing to try as I can’t even see how she will survive her teens without some intervention. I turned around a few days ago and she was scaling a fence at the train station with a ‘do not climb, danger of death, live overhead cables above’ sign on it. Her risk-taking is off the wall. I had turned my back for under a minute to deal with baby and she was almost at the top of the fence. She climbs like a monkey. One time we went to a park with a decommissioned military tank and, in sandals, she climbed to the tip of the gun some 30 foot in the air. So stressful - makes me not want to take her out.

DSD needs far closer supervision (and no, I am not saying that is on you). She needs someone providing close attention (sometimes within arms reach care is required at all times) so she can’t hurt your baby or scale fencing she shouldn’t be climbing. Preventing and deescalating situations are far better than picking up the pieces afterwards.

DH may or may not have ADHD, but difficulties with emotional regulation (which is what ending up in screaming matches is) can sometimes be an indicator.

Yes she ideally requires one on one care and supervision to keep her and others safe and enable her to learn. Unfortunately no one in her life has the capacity to offer that, her mum has 4 other kids age 1-5 with no one else around, her dad and I work full time and juggle our shifts around childcare, so there is only ever one parent present at key moments and we are fried. It’s a very difficult situation because no one is able to prioritise her needs above everything else we are responsible for. I get that she needs that, but I cannot offer it - both because I am
not legal parent and because I don’t want to.

So has DH requested social care assessments? Has he requested an EHCNA or an early review if an EHCP is already in place? Has he approached Home Start to see if they can offer support to those in your area? Has he requested a home OT assessment to look at making the home better meet DSD’s needs and safer for her? Has he applied for DLA?

Life will be much easier for all if DSD’s needs are better met, so DH needs to step up and pursue the support she needs.

None of this is going to happen with the parents she has, who are averse to involving social services or, particularly mum, of inviting scrutiny over lifestyle. There is literally zero chance my DH or her mother would agree to a home assessment. Mum would see it as authority figures dictating how she can live her life. It is a mess, and dsd is unlikely to reach adulthood unscathed and able to manage life - which is why I don’t think I can stay in the marriage.

It is easy for DH and others to blame DM, but if DH won’t do more then he is equally responsible. Poor DSD, she clearly needs far more support.

I agree with all of this.

ITA with @BlueBrick that DSD needs more support, and it’s no reflection on you OP. It’s up to her biological parents to sort out. ITA, she needs 1:1 care when she goes out, from the sound of it?

We had support from the Children with Disabilities Team, later the Transition Team at Social Services. Some social workers were useless - we never even saw a couple of them! However, the good ones just made helpful suggestions if I asked their advice - and organised a carer to come and look after DD1 1:1 (not the one with ADHD) in our house in the school holidays.

You are clearly at the end of your tether - surely they are too? Why aren’t they willing to explore help? What do they think DSD will do, as an adult. Just because her DM may cope with undiagnosed ADHD, doesn’t mean DSD will cope well, especially if she has a different sub type - her presentation might be different?

DD2 has ADHD (inattentive type). I am sure DH has ADHD, with hyperactivity - but he copes with adult life far better than she does. He has developed coping strategies; and is very successful at work, because he uses his hyper focus on it. I also think her executive functioning is more severely affected. Neither ever got into trouble at school. DH appeared to recognise how to behave, even though he didn’t do any work; but he spent his childhood playing football. DD was just daydreaming!

My sense is both are burying heads in sand to some degree. My DH was anti getting a diagnosis and then acting on the diagnosis as he doesn’t want her ‘labelled as someone with something wrong with her.’ But then he can’t cope with her behaviour and also blames her mum (and I imagine himself) who ran out on him with another gut when DSD was 6 months and he didn’t see them for 2 1/2 years, and there have been periods where DSD has been neglected, and social services etc wouldn’t step in as how do you evidence mum’s chaos is causing all this (mum is beautiful and charismatic and puts on a good front to reassure ss etc.) They now (DH and his ex) have a cordial relationship, but it is chaotic and unpredictable because that is what dsd’s mother is like (E.g. last summer she announced she was taking dsd and other kids to visit a new bf in a different country for three months. Madness and arguments ensued and dh managed to get her to limit the trip to 3 weeks, but obviously none of this is a good environment for a child to grow up in. DH is afraid if he puts foot down ex will disappear with dsd again). The problem is social services are overburdened don’t get involved when house looks tidy and kids aren’t visibly neglected. It’s all very complex and I don’t doubt that DSD’s chaotic upbringing has to a greater or lesser degree impacted her neurodevelopment/neurodivergence. Anyway, have likely already said too much. Am just appraising my options as I really don’t want my own kid growing up in the midst of all this chaos.