I hope it is ok to rant here and ask for help. My SD is 9 and has ADHD diagnosis. She lived with us for a year as her mum couldn't cope and is now back with her mum because her behaviour escalated with the emotion of being rejected (in her eyes) by her mum. She stays with us for half the week and her mum the other half. Her behaviour is awful and seemingly worse since diagnosis. She won't follw a single request, command or instruction, she throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, talks incessently (she will literally get home from school and sit on the sofa for hours just rattling on with no pause, even if no one is listening/responding), doesn't seem to care about consequences, jerks about smashing things. What's very difficult at the moment is I have a 8 month old baby who she won't leave alone, she picks her up, swings her round and jerks her about - it is not vindicive but it is very difficult to manage as she doesn't respond to being told not to do something. I am quiet patient and don't shout or lose my temper, but my husband has less patience and they end up in screaming matches, with the baby crying and everyone sick from stress. I'm terrified of the teenage years as she is very needy and beautiful and so vulnerable on top of her behavioural issues.
Her mother doesn't want to do medication so we are using behaviour management techniques, such as breaking down tasks into simple instructions, enforcing consequences for bad behaviour and sticking to a routine. It is not having much impact. It is hard as I obviously don't get a say in the medication/strategies due to not being legal parent. I'm sure the period of being away from mum has not helped her sense of security and feeling loved.
I am at the end of my tether and just want to leave my husband, take my baby and set up somewhere peaceful that I don't have to deal with this. I am the breadwinner and have started to resent all the money and time and opportunities I and my daughter are losing/missing by being in this marriage. I daydream that he leaves me and have even been instigating arguments recently in the hope he will get fed up and break the marriage. Although we have a good relationship other than this issue, it dominates everything and makes our home miserable. Her mother said it is the same in their house - the days she is not there are blissful and everything shifts on her return. I know this must be awful for the child, but I don't know what to do at the moment, and am worried about the effects on my daughter and my own mental health. If anyone has advice of where to go or strategies I can use to make things bearable, I'll be really greatful.