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SN children

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Original poster

My family are so rubbish sometimes!

33 replies

monkeypie · 06/03/2008 21:16

I am really fed up with the way my parents and my brother and his wife really don't seem to give a crap about what i'm going through with ds. My mum has been round to see me and didn't even ask about the dates for assessment EVEN though she knew i was getting them today Arrgghh, sometimes, just sometimes i would like her and them to ASK me about stuff rather than me have to tell them and they go, 'oh sorry yeh i forgot'!!??
It's something so massive for me, i hardly slept last night knowing i was getting the phone call and she doesn't even know because she FORGOT to ask AGAIN!

Am i being too precious about ds or i am right to feel let down and quite frankly a bit alone right now? He is their grandchild and nephew for gods sake, at least act like you're interested. Ohhh i am really worked up, i don't ask for much but a bit of support would be nice every now and again.

They all think i'm wrong but no-one dare say it and if they ignore it of course it will get better by magic as you all know!!
Sorry to go on but needed to vent!

OP posts:

shiny1 · 06/03/2008 21:21

Know just how you feel,sending hugs xxxx

Original poster

monkeypie · 06/03/2008 21:44

Thanks shiny1, life is pants atm!

OP posts:

shiny1 · 06/03/2008 21:50

Ds has got an assesment next month and my mum and dad say,do you really need to go,hell catch up,its because hes a boy.They just dont get it and i could scream at them.

Original poster

monkeypie · 06/03/2008 21:58

They are unbelieveable aren't they? Don't get me wrong i fully appreciate that he is MY son and of course is the centre of my universe and not theirs, but he is their grandson and their flesh and blood, it's not like i'm telling them about a friends child i'm talking about MINE! Really i don't know whether to laugh(hysterically) or cry most of time. How old is your ds shiny1?

OP posts:

shiny1 · 06/03/2008 22:05

He is 2.6 and a lovable rogue in his own quirky way.

Original poster

monkeypie · 06/03/2008 22:11

Well i think i have his twin. Thanks for posting shiny1 i feel better just feeling someone has listened.

OP posts:

shiny1 · 06/03/2008 22:13

Ok hugs toyou both xxxxxx

PipinJo · 06/03/2008 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needmorecoffee · 07/03/2008 13:07

same here. I think they think you'r e exagerating about how hard it is if they don't see it day to day.
The in-laws don't ever ask after dd cos they rejected her at birth. Even when I told them she nearly died a few weeks back they changed the subject.
So I do feel resentful.

mrskeanureeves · 07/03/2008 14:04

Hi needmorecoffee,
How is your little one at the moment? I know from reading on here a few weeks ago she was very poorly. You had replied to me after i posted one of my first threads. Thank You.
As for the in-laws, no sadly it doesn't surprise me, all of my hubbys famliy think theirs nothing wrong with my dd. Same at my work aswell.
I can't believe how little support they give you and you have a right to feel pissed off.
Unfortunately it's their loss because with all the crap stressed out times you have to go through, they are also missing all the little things that she does to make it all worth while.
Hope you are feeling better today
lol
Hx

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 14:05

PipinJo i suspect you're right when it comes to my dad, brother and sis-in law to certain extent. Have to say though sis-in law has ASD child in her family so thought she would be a bit more understanding. Yes btw it is autism i think ds has. Now when it comes to mum the reason i get so wound up when she doesn't ask is because when i bring subject up with her she goes all theatrical and over the top about how it's going to be so upsetting for her IF there is something wrong....IF??? There is no IF there is a what. So i do feel she is aware of how big a deal ASD is but she is also wrapped up in how it will be devastating for her.

It isn't that i don't think she should be able to feel sorry for herself but what about me and ds?? I try to be positive when i discuss it with friends and family as i'm trying to make them see that ds will still be the same little boy that they have always known. But it would be nice if someone asked me how i felt so i could offload a little and be the same happy mummy for ds the next day. Instead i come on here and vent to you guys, which is a massive help i have to say, last night i was on the brink of floods of tears. I can't say how really happy i am i decided to come back to MN.

Back to my mother... she just came again and i was getting madder and madder at her not asking, i eventually gave in and told her and she was so laid back i nearly hit her with ds My first Leapad

NMC i understand the in laws thing in a way, mine were given the choice to be involved before ds was born and they turned it down, sod them, their loss!!

Anyway thanks all, i am trying to be patient with my family, i try not to bring it up and if i do, i do it like walking on eggshells. I'd just like to know who the hell i would talk to if i didn't have MN!? I have to stop myself yelling at them' it's not about you it's about ds'! But i don't
I hope the dx makes them wake up!

OP posts:

mrskeanureeves · 07/03/2008 14:15

Hi Monkeypie,
I feel the same about trying to be patient with the family cos sometimes it is just trying! I've also got to stop people mid sentence sometimes to correct them, and you can see the shock on their face when you say actually your wrong. Most people don't like that, but if i let them ramble on it just winds me up.
I only discovered mumsnet recently and its the best thing.
luv hx

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 14:20

Hi MrsKR
Would that be the , 'it will sort it's self out' comment or the 'he will catch up when he starts nursey', comment or maybe the 'he will grow out of it'? Arggh they really get me mad, especially when you have already said there is no quick fix for asd.
Sometimes i just smile sweetly and hit my head on the wall when they are not looking!

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ancientmiddleagedmum · 07/03/2008 14:43

I totally agree re families not understanding. My mum has made a room at her and my dad's house especially for my DD, with all her toys in and a doll's house etc. But for my autistic DS - no room! And she keeps thinking she's spotted signs of some special genius talent in him, like piano playing, whereas of course only a tiny percentage of ASD kids have that kind of special talent (and DS is not one of them). It's as if she can only relate to a child if they are giving her something back, or if she can play with them and write stories etc, like she does with DD. Looking back on my own childhood, I wonder if me and my brothers were more valued for our achievements than for ourselves - hence she is not used to the kind of unconditional love you give to an ASD child, who does not give you the same "rewards" as a normally functioning child. It hurts though, because she's my mum and she's supposed to be there for me at what is actually the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Oh well, at least we're not alone all of us with annoying families (though actually my 80 year old dad is one of the most sympathetic and helpful of my family, even takes DS swimming every week!)

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 19:14

AMM that's awful for you regardng the no room for ds at parents house, does he understand? My ds luckily wouldn't know to question it if it were me, thank god.
It does hurt i agree and it makes me more determined to be a bloody fabulous mum for ds.
Bless your dad for doing swimming, my dad would rather lose a leg i think He is actually coping the worst with it all, he is REALLY in denial and i think i have hurt him/let him down when i first told him that i had finally come to terms that something was more seriously wrong than just ds speech. The minute i said i though pead could be right about asd he turned away from me and now tends to avoid us when i visit. I only wanted to get them prepared but yet again i got it wrong!

OP posts:

coppertop · 07/03/2008 19:21

Monkeypie It sounds as though we share a few relatives. Ds1 was dx'ed at 3.5yrs. He was almost 7yrs old before certain relatives could bring themselves to mention the word autism - and that was only to ask if/when he would grow out of it.

NMC - They should be disgusted with themselves for not caring about dd. Bet they're not though.

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 19:33

Coppertop did it really take them that long? I'm not sure i will deal with that very well, how did you manage to deal with ds being dx and then having to make allowance for family who stayed in denial?

I did plan to print off some reading material and simplify it as best as i could for them to read. I tried to offer mum the book i got,'could it be Autism' but she gave it back to me after only 1 day saying it made her cry i told her it wasn't a comedy.

OP posts:

coppertop · 07/03/2008 19:58

I think it took so long in my case because when ds1 was younger they had blamed me for any difficulties they could see and thought I was making up the ones that they couldn't see. Ds1 apparently couldn't talk because I ignored him, didn't speak to him and didn't take him to enough toddler groups. He had no problems with his routine changed because "he's fine when we see him"

When he was dx'ed with ASD I suppose it was easier to go into denial. Hopefully it won't be as long for you.

coppertop · 07/03/2008 20:03

Easier for them to go into denial, I mean.

We weren't/aren't really a close family so it was probably easier for me to deal with their denial. Also at the time that ds1 was dx'ed my mother wasn't speaking to me anyway. Even now that we are all speaking again it's still fairly usual to go for weeks/months without seeing or hearing from some family members. It must be more difficult if you have a close relationship or see them every day/week.

spacegirl · 07/03/2008 20:20

I am too scared to tell both our parents. Especially my Mum as it would be all about her and not DS2. Something she could talk to random strangers about if she believed me. I am worried I would have to deal with all this stuff. They know he is quirky but for now haven't questioned it too deeply. Too be honest my Mum scarcly remembers to ask me how I am anyway and the distance thing helps.

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 20:26

I think the only time my mum has thought they maybe i do know what i'm talking about was at ds 3rd birthday party and she had no choice but to see the difference between him and the other children there. I do see my mum everyday just about but only for last yr and half as before then i lived in London and everynow and then i get a little comment about how could she have noticed anything different about ds when he was younger as she hardly ever saw him(because his evil mummy took him away so she could work, pay her debts off and get some money saved....so selfish) Something else to blame me for!

Before i came back to Yorkshire (was away for 17yrs) i would have said to anyone what a close family i had but now i'm back i don't think we are close at all anymore.
My brother hasn't even spoken to me about ds and he has 2 ds of his own, both of which i would want to know what was happening with if it was either of them being dx. Probably just aswell as he would be the one to make the, 'when will he grow out of it?' comment.

OP posts:

Original poster

monkeypie · 07/03/2008 20:30

spacegirl how old is your ds2? has he been dx? I feel my mum will do that talking to anyone for attention thing too if/when we get dx. We will be falling out if she does it in front of me.

OP posts:

PipinJo · 08/03/2008 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needmorecoffee · 08/03/2008 07:52

Its interesting how many people say relatives are in denial about SN, especially when its ASD. My in-lawds, the ones who have rejected dd totally (cos she has quad CP) refuse to belive ds1 has Aspergers and SID. Even when i've showed them letters from child developmental psychiatrists.
My eldest lives with them as she couldn't cope with her sister and they have filled her head with her brother doesn't have aspergers and I make it all up because I enjoy the attention
Yeah right. 1. I get anough attention for dd2. Cevere CP is an attention seekers dreamof course. 2. I must have enjoyed all thos meltdowns, all the him hiding his school uniform, never being able to go out cos ds couldn't cope with it etc etc you all know what its like
I want to shake them and I feel resentful that no-one ever fucking helps, that we struggle on day to day with a severely disabled child, have done 14 years with an Aspie, we haveno money, no future and yet they carry on ski-ing and going on flash holidays.
Its making me tearful. Feeling very emotional today as my mum is moving nearby so I can take care of her while my sister buggers of to live in the US and my brother lives in Oz.
big fat sigh.

needmorecoffee · 08/03/2008 07:53

And they get heating allowance despite being rich while we sit here ina cold house desperatly trying to keep dd warm

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