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Original poster

A horrible end to a tough year - but at last I've dicovered where the autism came from!

43 replies

coppertop · 12/12/2004 13:53

I'm not sure whether I should be Angry or Sad but here goes:

As a bit of background I am generally known as the black sheep of my immediate family. They don't talk to me or dh if they can possibly help it and only visit if they want to see ds1 and ds2. We're not usually invited to visit them and it's been made very clear that if I were to just turn up then I wouldn't be particularly welcome. Ds1 has been to my mother's house just once in the past 4 years. Ds2 recently had his first visit there - at the age of 22mths.

With the exception of one of my sisters none of them are interested in knowing more about autism. The general feeling is that it's attention-seeking on my part and an excuse for my failure to teach my sons how to talk, socialise etc. Books go unread and anything on the internet is probably made up(!). Shock

Me and dh are used to coping alone, although it does irritate me that ds1 and ds2 get left out of family occasions. Unlike their cousin they aren't invited to my mother's house at Christmas. Instead their presents are brought here.Sad

What really made me Angry was a conversation with one of my sisters last week. She doesn't usually talk to me or phone. She's seen ds2 just once since he was born. Anyway my dad died last week so the family were forced to tolerate me at the funeral and wake. When it came up in conversation about ds1 being autistic my sister looked shocked. Apparently it is something that has never been mentioned. Shock However she did know all about ds1 not learning to talk until he was 3 and still being in nappies at 4. Basically they concentrate on the things that ds1 can't do and b*tch about how it's my fault! AngryAngryAngry

The irony of it all is that from the stories my dad's family (who are lovely people) told me about my dad, it sounds as though he definitely had AS/ASD. All of the eccentricities, the obsessions, the literal thinking and complete lack of social skills just screamed "ASD" at me. :) They confessed that they didn't have many photos of him because they found that he was unable to keep still long enough to have his picture taken. He had to keep his feet moving apparently. :o

I got on really well with my dad's family, particularly his brothers. It was like being at a convention for ASD. My own family didn't pick up on this at all and kept commenting on how "eccentric" they all were and "Wasn't it strange how Uncle XXX just sat in the corner and didn't really talk to anyone?" If only they knew! :o

All in all it was a horrible end to a tough year but I have a feeling that if dh, ds1 and ds2 meet my dad's family (dh stayed behind to look after the boys) they will find that they fit right in. :o

OP posts:
joashiningstar · 12/12/2004 14:01

I can only imagine what you've been through, but I just wanted to say that I'm so pleased that you seem to have finally found some support. Smile

JanH · 12/12/2004 14:03

Oh, ct Sad Shock Angry

I've never seen a post that really cried out for so many emoticons! I am so sorry about your dad, I had missed that he had died.

Was your sister sympathetic? Will you have some contact with her now? It sounds otherwise as if it is a family where being the black sheep is something to be more pleased about than anything else...I hope your dad's family will be able to give you some support from now on anyway. Hugs. XXX

FimboCLAUS · 12/12/2004 14:12

Really sorry, dont quite know what to say. Its that old cliche again though you can choose your friends but not your relatives. Cyber Hugs

wobblystarryknicks · 12/12/2004 14:23
Shock

Sorry your family are still being so sh*t about it all ct but fab that you do have some family that know and acknowledge the autism/ASD and are happy to 'cope' with it. Hopefully it might lead to more support from the 'less educated' members of your family in future, who knows!

Can't believe they only tolerated you at your dad's funeral - I'm so sorry SadAngry. How are you feeling?

SenoraPostrophe · 12/12/2004 14:29

This must be really hard for you, CT.

I hope you do see your dad's family more often now, and that your sister is more sympathetic.

Like Jan says though I think I'd be proud to be the black sheep of your family!

Chocol8 · 12/12/2004 14:31

Oh Coppertop! What an amazing woman you are -dealing with the your Dad's death - and all by yourself too. (((hugs)))

Well at least you know now where it came from and it all seems to make sense, i'm sure not alot of people know what you do.

Although it's awful to say it, your family don't deserve you to be part of them in my opinion. If they can't make the effort to support you, then you're better off out of it!

Can you hope to get more help from your Dad's side of the family in future? And what did your sister say? Was she shocked or upset by the news that your ds1 being autistic? Sending you massive hugs. x

Socci · 12/12/2004 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jimjambells · 12/12/2004 18:18

Your family sound a nightmare CT- I hope your sister is more understanding in future.

Look after yourself - and I'm really pleased you clicked with your dad's family.

Original poster
coppertop · 12/12/2004 18:31

My dad's death was very sudden and unexpected. Neither he nor his family live(d) in the UK so it was a case of setting out almost immediately to get to the funeral in time. It would have been too much for ds1 and ds2 at such short notice so dh offered to stay at home with them.

I'm not sure that my dad's family even realise that so many of the men in the family have strong AS/ASD traits. Someone must have been doing something right though because the church and graveyard were packed with mourners. Everyone saw his quirks as being an intereseting and often amusing part of his character. :) As I've mentioned on here before, ds2 looks as though he is permanently auditioning for Riverdance as he finds it almost impossible to keep his feet still. It really made me smile when I heard about my dad doing the same. :)

My dad's family live too far away to offer any practical help but I know that when dh, ds1 and ds2 do eventually meet them that the 3 of them will fit right in. :o

My sister was very surprised but not upset. She asked some questions about ASD and said that it sounded as though I had a lot to deal with. I'm not sure that it would make a difference tbh. Before (and after) ds1 got his dx I heard a lot about how it was apparently my fault that ds1 didn't talk. Not only did I not talk to him enough but the poor child was so neglected that he knew it was pointless asking for anything as he knew he wouldn't get what he wanted anyway. If I wasn't so lazy he would have been out of nappies at 2 instead of starting toilet-training at 4. Angry For them to admit that ds1 has ASD would also mean admitting that they were very wrong about all that and were downright nasty. It's not likely to happen tbh.

My youngest sister OTOH has always been lovely. She has a cousin with ASD (we have different fathers) so has seen it before for herself. Again she lives too far away to give any practical help but it's very reassuring to know that she has some understanding.

OP posts:
fisilhohoho · 12/12/2004 18:38

oh ct, how do you know whether to be happy or sad about this? I think in the long term probably it is good knowledge, but right now I'd be so down if I was in your position. But you sound really positive - wow, you're wonderful!

We're around on Boxing Day - fancy a wintry walk or play in the park, and to let the boys run off all their energy?

Original poster
coppertop · 12/12/2004 18:51

Blush AFAIK we should be around on Boxing Day. We'll probably be visiting MIL at some point during the holidays but I doubt it will be Boxing Day.

I bet ds1 and ds2 would love the chance to run around like mini-madmen. :)

OP posts:
Eulalia · 12/12/2004 18:58

Sorry to hear about your father's death coppertop.

I am sitting here getting very angry at someone blaming you for your ds's autism. Sorry but do these people never read a newspaper or see progs on the TV about autism... grrr...

Sounds like you've a lot to deal with and they aren;t helping but I am just saying things you know already. That is great that you are getting on with your dad's family

fisilhohoho · 12/12/2004 19:20

ct, I'll CAT you and we can sort something out.

What does AFAIK mean?

blossomgoodwill · 12/12/2004 19:49

Coppertop
So sorry to hear about your dad ((((hugs)))).
I cannot believe how insensitive your family are being Angry. Some people really do not have a clue.

Your dad's side of the family sound lovely coppertop and it must be so nice talking with people that understand.
Blossomgoodwillxxx

alexsmum · 12/12/2004 20:07

jeez coppertop, what awful attitudes!Angry I can't believe they would treat their own famly like that! And just for information, my ds wasn't toilet trained until he was 4 either and he's NT.

alexsmum · 12/12/2004 20:07

as far as i know.

alexsmum · 12/12/2004 20:08

that was for fisil by the wayGrin

feastofstevenmom · 12/12/2004 20:09

sorry to hear about your dad's death, and the way your family are acting towards you. hope you get the chance to see more of your dad's family.

best wishes

Saker · 12/12/2004 22:17

Sorry to hear about your dad's death. I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing. Your posts always sound so cheerful and you never complain and all the time you have all this to cope with - not only a lack of help from your family but actual antagonism and criticism. I am pleased that you have got something positive from meeting your father's family. Are they too far away geographically to be around much on a regular basis?

terryschonkyorange · 12/12/2004 22:45

Sorry to hear about your dad's death CT, and the lack of support from your family. I really hope your dad's side of the family can offer you help - it does sound far more promising for 2005.

juniperdropofbrandy · 12/12/2004 23:00

Sorry to hear about your dad CT Sad

I can understand how frustrating it must be for you when your family behave this way. It's a good job you have the sense and strength to cope hun xx

There's a lot of autism in our family (mum's side) but mostly undiagnosed. Hope you do keep in contact with your dad's side as they sound lovely Smile

mullgedwine · 12/12/2004 23:47

CT, so sorry to read of your dad's death and the hell you have had to endure from your family. Coping with ASD children is hard enough, without the burden of being ostracised from the very people you need to support you and your kids. I hope that contact with your dad's relatives brings you some happiness

ladyrobinredbreast · 13/12/2004 07:33

Coppertop so sad to hear about your DADS deathSadand i think its amazing how positive and cheerful you are ,i dont think i,m as nice a person as you are...I smiled to at the thought of your ds2 and Riverdance..glad to hear about your dads family though,hopefiully they will be able to offer you some support and it sounds as if your little ds,s will have some intereasting relatives to meetGrin

DingleAlltheWay · 13/12/2004 07:46

Oh CT!! SmileSad Only came on the computer to type out a quick letter before breakfast-I am now in floods of tears.Such a touching post.{{{hugs}}}
Through all the sadness and ignorance at least there is such a light shone on you. IYSWIM!!
It may not help you with your families attitude but hopefully you will at least have more of an understanding of "why".
I really haven't expressed myself well, rushing in an attempt to clarify my expressions before feeding the hungry tribe!Grin
Hugs to you all at this sad time.love Dingle.

JaNgLyBELLS · 13/12/2004 08:20

Best wishes to you and yours Coppertop. Hope you do get to meet up with Fisilhohoho on boxing day, and all have a lovely time. x