OK need some witty repostes to "Oh! poor little boy" comments

[crimplene]

I've started teaching DS to use a cane (he's partially sighted) as he was tripping over and bumping into everything; it was an experiment, but it's working really well and he loves the independence so it's here to stay.

I wasn't quite prepared for the looks of horror, pity, bitten lips etc. - although it doesn't matter much as DS can't make out facial expressions when he needs his cane. But quite a few morons are saying things out loud and it's going to affect his confidence, if I don't think of something suitable to say back. It's no good being too agressive as that will just alienate people and won't be teaching DS the right things, but saying nothing is basically telling him that their comments are OK and they bloody well are not.

Help please!

ANd of course- if you do say anything, you'll geta patronising pat and 'oooh you're so brave'.

Grrrrrr

How about 'Would you mind not saying things like that, I know you mean well but he doesn't like to be pitied - he's adapting very well and I'm very proud of him.'

Yeah, it's a bit of a double edged sword whether a SN is hidden or obvious - people are oging to have their opinions whatever and it's alway the same snap comment that every other person come up with as they have 20 seconds worth of thought and then they come out with it. We sort of have the choice about whether it's hidden or not, so that probably why I feel more wibbly about it.

I think dogs are ice-breakers to be honest, they are a 'friendly face' of visual impairment whereas a stick is a potential weapon

crimplene it's an interesting point about the dog actually. I remember years ago talking to a financial adviser at the company i used to work for, and him telling me that both his parents were blind and that they hated guide dogs because whenever the RNIB had a stand anywhere guide dogs always had one a few feet away and people always gave to guide dogs because of the dogs and walked straight past the rnib stand.

You'd actually be surprised how many people have guide dogs who actually have quite a lot of vision - if he is likely to need a cain then he will most likely be eligible for a guide dog when he reaches the right age.

I find that I get very little pity as an adult, but I think that has a lot to do with the kind of person I am ie very confident/independent etc. Sometimes I do get ignorance, for eg when I helped out at my first school disco I asked what I could do and the chair of pta said "what can you do" to which I replied "whatever I'm told." . So then I just got on with it and now people just assume that unless I tell them otherwise, they can tell me to do whatever.

so now I help out at the disco's, will b running the cake stall at upcoming fate, and i challenge anyone to tell me I can't.

But those skills will come to your ds as he grows up .

I love you twig.

I despise my white stick and only ever use it if I absolutely have to.

But everyone loves my dog. I'm afraid I couldn't help myself the other day though when I went into school and as I was signing in one of the teachers came up to the dog and said, without saying anything to me, "hello gorgious" and I just replied "oooooh hello!" .

That's a happy thought - DS adores dogs - most of our trips to the park revolve round trying to pet as many dogs as possible. I'd understood that if you have too much vision, you're likely to overide the dog and untrain it. DS's vision is highly variable under different lighting conditions, generally fine for the orientation part, but hit-and-miss for the mobility part. One reason for letting him start with a cane young is to try to get him to use his senses in a natural proportion, not to train him to use (limited) sight when touch would be better, so if we're successful with that, then maybe he could think about a dog when he's 16.

I was thinking of the RNIB when I was thinking about negative images of blindness for fundraising purposes (the beautiful model with cloudy corneas and tears streaked with mascara running down her face etc).

Hi Crimplene I think we've talked before on the breastfeeding board? I know what you're saying as my dd who is 22 months and has CP has reached that age where like your little boy understands every single word but can't really reply yet. We are currently fielding a barrage of 'but look how happy she is, it doesn't even bother her that she can't walk' type comments. I then find myself explaining that she does indeed want to walk and gets frustrated and then I see her little face looking up at me from the pushchair and I wonder if I don't do her any favours by trying to explain. I think you're doing absolutely the right thing in teaching your little boy to use a cane at this age, and bugger the rest of the world and their dumbass views.

Hi Jenkeywoo. How's the bfing going? We're down to just first thing in the morning and last thing at night most days we'll probably have finished before any more miserable teething as there's supposed to be a gap now. Well I'm hoping we will have, but I can't quite imagine actually turning round and saying 'no' one day so I'm kind of hoping he self-weans a bit earlier than average and I don't have to make the decision.

I agree, I'm never sure whether explaining things on DS's behalf is helping of not. I realise that I don't have to justify him or explain things to anyone really; but when they get the wrong end of the stick it's hard to say nothing when I know he's listening to what they're saying.

I guess they'll both have to explain a bit about themselves to others at some point and it's probably helpful for them to have an idea about how to put it, but also to know that they're not duty bound to answer everyone who asks, or to correct the views of every fool out there who says something that isn't right.

When I get the "Oh what a shame" with my little boy, I just say, "Not really. It beats the hell out of 6 months in ICU!" if I'm feeling snappy, or I just say that life is brilliant now compared to where we've been. This comment usually makes people think a little bit, and isn't the least bit patronising to my fantastic boy.

If I had your son, I would just beam at them with maternal pride and tell them that I was really proud of how he was managing, and that he was picking things up really quickly. Comments like, "Isn't it great that he's so independent?" "Don't you think he's managing really well?" will point out to them that "shame" and "pity" don't really enter into your radar!!!

I agree that having a hidden disability is a bit of a double-edged weapon. Dd sometimes uses a wheelchair, which has her labelled as 'totally helpless' (on the 'does she take milk?'-level), but at least she is not grumbled at for not giving up her seat on the bus and she doesn't risk being knocked off her feet. On days when she is not using wheelchair, she isn't really up to standing for long either, but I can't put a placard round her neck and she does find it hard to explain. I know a lot of grown-ups with her condition have to put up with a lot of aggro because their disability doesn't show on the outside, so people assume they are faking it.

In your case, I would definitely stress his achievements: 'Yes, isn't it amazing what he can do with that cane; we think he's definitely gifted & talented'.

Being able to use a cane at his age is actually bloody wonderful, how many of his mates would be able to do that? He must be a bright little lad.