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Original poster

OK need some witty repostes to "Oh! poor little boy" comments

36 replies

crimplene · 14/02/2008 18:30

I've started teaching DS to use a cane (he's partially sighted) as he was tripping over and bumping into everything; it was an experiment, but it's working really well and he loves the independence so it's here to stay.

I wasn't quite prepared for the looks of horror, pity, bitten lips etc. - although it doesn't matter much as DS can't make out facial expressions when he needs his cane. But quite a few morons are saying things out loud and it's going to affect his confidence, if I don't think of something suitable to say back. It's no good being too agressive as that will just alienate people and won't be teaching DS the right things, but saying nothing is basically telling him that their comments are OK and they bloody well are not.

Help please!

OP posts:
BitTiredNow · 14/02/2008 18:47

Sorry, not sure it's witty, but how about'actually I'm really proud of him so if you can't be positive, be quiet.'

bullet123 · 14/02/2008 18:53

Id be tempted with, "yes, yours is the third patronising comment he's heard today and he struggles so hard not to vomit when hearing them."

Original poster
crimplene · 14/02/2008 18:57

Yes, that might do the trick. I tried having a conversation about it with one woman (while he was petting her dog) and despite everything I said, she still finished with 'But it is still such a pity isn't it?' so I like the idea of something that doesn't invite debate without being agressive.

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Original poster
crimplene · 14/02/2008 18:59

I wondered about 'Yeah, I'm sending him out selling matches tomorrow'

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Twiglett · 14/02/2008 19:00

'yes he is rather poor, spare a tenner?'

sorry, I think that's just rude and ignorant

Is there anythign you can say to DS about how people just don't understand how amazingly he's doing and some people are so blind all they see are the things he can't do and not the amazing things he's doing .. in fact if you give him the ammunition and the right to respond "I'm not a poor boy, I'm an amazing boy actually" or similar it might be easier?

Original poster
crimplene · 14/02/2008 19:02

He's still so young - he's only 20 months old and he can't really talk to strangers but he understands the lot. If he were older I'd give him the ammo.

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Twiglett · 14/02/2008 19:04

ok .. then you do it .. patronise them with kindness so that all your DS ever hears in response to 'poor little boy' is how farkin' proud of him you are

Original poster
crimplene · 14/02/2008 19:09

Yes, that sounds like the way to go. I can stand there eulogising about what a clever talented boy he is until they wish they'd never said anything.

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davidsatthebar · 15/02/2008 08:59

I get this with my daughter all the time. She has CP and people just see that, they don't look beyond her wheelchair.

They don't see the funny, cheeky 16 year old girl who loves music, foreign countries, sailing, audio books, chinese food.... The list goes on.

My daughter can't speak, so I always defend her. To be honest, it's very hard to keep my tongue in place sometimes.

TotalChaos · 15/02/2008 09:00

yes be very proud, and slip in - and he understands everything everyone says!

TinySocks · 15/02/2008 12:05

I got this type of comment from my uncle a couple of months ago. He is a really nice man and didn't mean any harm, but I really hate anyone referring to my boy as a "poor little thing".
All I said was "No, he is not a poor boy at all, he is very happy and he will be just fine, you just wait and see".

ulB · 15/02/2008 12:16

How infuriating people are.

I think i would just say 'no, not 'poor' at all - he's doing v well and is very independent, and I'm proud of him'.

DS spent months with his leg in a thigh length plaster as part of his treatment to enable him to stand (he has a congenital leg condition), and it isn't the same, but I didn't want the constant non-stop 'aaagh, poor thing, what's wrong with him' to be implanted in his mind that there was anything defective or pitaibale about him. So I used to say "there's nothing 'wrong' with him. He is simply having some treatment to help him stand" It confused them - but I was more concerned about DS's perception.

No-one ever seems to realise that everyone says the same damn thing.

Spockster · 15/02/2008 12:17

Teach him to give them a swift poke in the leg with his cane; then they'll mutter, "Little bugger" instead.

Catkin08 · 15/02/2008 20:43

You could look them directly in the eye and say "I'm sorry?"
Then when they repeat themselves say that you heard them but you didn't actually understand what they were talking about. They'll probably have no idea how to respond to that and will hopefully be mortified. Some people are so bloody awful!!

staryeyed · 15/02/2008 21:56

People are so insensitive aren't they.I got a load of this from my neighbour the other day who said he'd heard my son was "a bit autistic" (like yeah, just a bit, I'm sure it will clear up by next week) and proceeded to tell me the story of a child with aspergers who'd grown up to be successful and "He'll grow out of it wont he" and finally "oh well". That is the first ignorant comments that I have had I was fuming.

theheadgirl · 15/02/2008 22:23

I don't know the answer but after reading the comments, depending on your mood, I'd be tempted by a combination of turning the conversation to how proud you are and also love catkin's suggestion of questioning what the feck they really mean!
Incidentally big round of applause for the boy himself - 20 months and starting to be independent? What a star!

Original poster
crimplene · 15/02/2008 22:46

Well, he's only independent in that he doesn't have to hang off my hand to stop himself bumping into things and tripping if he's got his cane. I still have to warn him verbally as well, as he doesn't yet respond to the signals it gives him reliably. We're only talking about walking round the park and tackling the bumpier terrain, or walking down the pavement holding my hand, but finding the obstacles with his cane in the other hand.

The idea is to help him keep pace with the development of his peers rather than just not tackling the things he finds harder and falling behind, so we put in extra trips to places where he'll get to walk about by himself and practise his skills.

It's not conventionally taught to young children with VIs in this country (but there are lots of recent success stories from other parts of the world) so it is very unusual to see a very young child with a cane as it's a low incidence disability as well. I'd probably stare too.

I like the idea of just boring them to tears with all his wonderful achievements as it's going to be the easiest and most positive message for him at his stage.

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vixma · 15/02/2008 22:56

Damn right and to be honest f*##k them. Keep on doing what you are doing and you are right, they are morons.

Lotstodo · 16/02/2008 08:22

Even at his young age and especially as he is already understanding what these people mean by their comments, you could take him on board and explain and give examples of what people are like and quite often say these things for all sorts of reasons. People are rude, some don't even mean to me and I bet that there are even some that could kick themselves for speaking out of turn as soon as they've spoken. He is a smart lad and his hearing is going to be exceptional anyway so the only thing you can do is to prepare him for what stupid, ignorant people might say in the future.

Original poster
crimplene · 16/02/2008 11:24

Lotstodo; that's another myth about blind people. Tests have been done to find out whether blind people have better hearing and it turns out that they have average hearing; it's just that many blind people, both through their own leaning and through specific training get much better than the rest of use at undertstanding and using auditory information (and from the other senses as well).

Sight is such a dominant sense for humans that a child with partial sight won't develop those auditory skills much more easily than the rest of us. Actually, I plan to give it a go in case he can make use of it (no harm in trying as even some sighted people can learn these techniques effectively) but I'm expecting him to find a mixture of vision and tactile info from his cane to be the most effective way for him to get around.

A blind person would use, and be taught to use, mostly auditory information to go with the tactile feedback from the cane but it's more to do with understanding how sound reverberates in spaces and the clues to position and location that differnt sounds give - a blind person is more likely to be ignoring and filtering out human voices to concentrate on other sounds than noticing every comment.

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wannaBe · 16/02/2008 16:32

"yes he is rather poor, spare a tenner?" pmsl at twiglet.

I don't know why it is, but I've always found that people have treated me differently when i've been using a cane as opposed to a dog, and I really have no idea why that is. (maybe it's because they know the cane can't possibly help with the cooking ). Seriously though, when I was training with my last dog, I had to use a cane until he was qualified, when taking ds to/from preschool etc, and I found that far fewer cars stopped to let me cross the road up by our local shop than do when I have the dog with me.

I think that people automatically apply pity to a child with any kind of disability, it's very irritating, but always worth remembering that most comments really are just ignorant and not malicious.

But I would be inclined to say something like "well David Blunkett didn't seem to struggle, and Ray charles and Stevey Wonder have made millions despite being blind, so really I don't think there's any reason for pity.".

And then you can make another vudu doll when you get home .

yurt1 · 16/02/2008 16:44

DS1 (severely autistic) gets quite a few 'oh its such a shame because he's so good looking'. Which always makes me want to say 'oh why would it be OK if he was pig ugly?' but of course I don't

I think just reinforcing that he's doing well and that you want him to be independent so its best he starts learning early or something.

wannaBe · 16/02/2008 17:08

yurt . People can be so ignorant can't they? and a comment like that can't be excused with anything than the fact that the person making it is clearly a shallow t**er.

Original poster
crimplene · 16/02/2008 17:35

wannaBe; that's really interesting. I suspect they might stop because they can see the dog more easily than the cane so they have more thinking time to put the brakes on. They might also stop be because they understand the dog much more clearly to mean you are blind. People don't really 'get' what canes mean so well, and might assume one of two extremes; you are either sighted, but carrying a white stick for some other reason - I mean a blind person wouldn't be taking a child to school would they? It wouldn't be safe- or you obviously know what you're doing as you're moving independently with a cane so you don't need any concessions and you might be offended if they thought you did, but if you need help from a dog, then you will obviously be grateful for help from them.

Maybe they are stopping for the dog rather than for you (they like guide dogs, they understand about them, they've seen them on Blue Peter) they want to see the special dog, so they stop to rubberneck. I once borrowed a recumbent bicycle and rode it around London for a day - everyone stopped to let me though junctions etc and it was as good as a police escort, it really did stop traffic, as they all wanted to gawp at the the weird bike.

I know already it's going to be controversial giving DS a cane when he can often get away with pretending he doesn't need it; I'm starting to realise just how negatively they're viewed. DS isn't ever likely to be a candidate for a guide dog - he has too much vision.

I think the PR for blindness (along with lots of disabilities) is dreadful; they use all these pathetic images to raise money for charidee and then wonder why Joe Public has such a lousy attitude .

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Peachy · 16/02/2008 17:41

Yurt ds3 gets that too, albeit with him its 'so cute' being younger!

It's a tough one- today he was shouted at by 2 older people in town for not shifting out their way on sight: he does his best but he's not going to do that- if he's walking on a trackmark 9this centre has laods of them decorating it) he's not shifting for anyone unless I physically remove him.

So in a way i'd like it to be more obvious that he is SN BUT silly comments would annoy me.

I'd probably go for something mroe passivelike 'yes, having me as a mum- must be a nightmare' but I think calmly asking poeple to keep their comments to themselves is the best way to go.