Dealing with Outbursts

[purpleme12]

How should I deal with Outbursts??
I mean where she makes a lot of noise, gets angry, aggressive, insults me and disrespects me.
She has trouble controlling her emotions.
I stay calm. Mainly because the other way doesn't work.
Has anyone managed to stop these? Stop their child disrespecting when they're in these angry states?
I don't know what to do 😢

She's 9

What support is DD receiving? Are the school providing support? Does she have an EHCP? Has she had an OT assessment?

Have a look at Yvonne Newbold’s resources and Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child.

Have you tried to keep a detailed diary to spot triggers and deescalate before it reaches meltdown?

She doesn't need ehcp she's ok at school.
Although they were doing a talking and drawing course with her she's only got halfway through it.
As they stopped it I believe they're too busy in school.
But this frustrates her that the sessions have stopped and doesn't help.
No, no OT is that the thing that Early Help does.
I'm suspicious still and reluctant to get people involved. Don't know what to do

Being ‘fine’ at school and not at home doesn’t mean an EHCP isn’t necessary. Support via school and an EHCP can help with emotional regulation.

OT is separate to early help.

Without outside support nothing is going to change.

Sometimes it's a bad day causing her to get angry.
Sometimes it's something little, if I've asked her something she doesn't like, if I'm not understanding her enough, if it's bedtime and she wants to watch Danielle episode instead etc etc.

She won't talk about anything just shuts down when you try talk about it.

I thought perhaps someone might reply who's had a child like this.

Is she fine at school or is she masking? It's very common for girls especially to mask at school, then let it all out at home. I find really ramping down any demands on DD for a bit after school works, letting her have half an hour to chill out before doing anything.
School have had some success with zones of regulation and we've started using them at home too, but do have to catch her in the blue or yellow zone as once she gets to red there's no reasoning with her.

Support doesn’t have to involve DD talking.

Sometimes the apparent trigger isn’t actually the underlying trigger, which is why I suggested keeping a detailed diary.

Asking for a carer’s assessment and an assessment for DD via the disabled children’s team will help. As will an EHCP and pushing for more support at school and therapies.

Have you looked at counselling for you?

I believe that she is angry at school.
But she does not react the way she does at home.
I am unsure if she's masking though.
I don't believe there's an exact pattern. It's not like all the time after school she bursts type thing.
It's not like there's a set routine, for example sometimes if something happens to deviate from what was going to happen, she's fine, other times not.
It's more if she's decided in her head that this is going to happen or she wants that to happen and then it doesn't that it's a reason to kick off.

I'm scared people will say it's my fault

I can't afford counselling

There will be triggers but it isn’t always easy to identify them.

If DD is awaiting diagnosis or has been diagnosed in the last year Scope offer mentoring. You may be able to get a few counselling sessions via your local carers services as some offer a limited number of sessions. If not you could look at CBT via the NHS.

In her head she truly thinks that for example she'll disrespect me in some way eg tell me to shut up, and then I should come cuddle her because she's doing it because angry and that's what works to calm her down when she's angry.

This is what I don't get.
This isn't right this way of thinking

If DD thinks a cuddle helps her self regulate have you tried that? What happens?

It may be a sign of unmet sensory needs. A sensory OT assessment will help with this. Does DD have any sensory equipment she can use to help her self regulate to meet her sensory needs (both at school and at hone) and to also provide similar feedback a cuddle would?

The cuddle thing came about from when the meltdowns started (which was when the problem behaviour started)
They were actual meltdowns. And in the end we figured out the only way to stop it was cuddle/lie on top of her and sing lullaby.
The meltdowns have stopped.
Now it's more Outbursts of anger or just anger.
Still the cuddle helps which is fine.
But at the minute rather than explosions of anger, the anger is coming out as a lot of disrespect towards me or attitude towards me. (But it does come from anger,I believe that). And so it doesn't seem right that she shows attitude/disrespect to me and I should immediately go cuddle her? (Which I know is what she thinks should happen)
I know we need to get to a stage where she's calming herself down and I have tried with that but there's rarely success.
Eg she has calm corner/calm box but she's rarely been able to make herself use it still or the things in the calm box get taken out to play with at other times etc it's just never really worked.

When you say unmet sensory needs in this case, what do you mean?

And what does a sensory OT assessment do?

If she’s only 9 and she is neurodiverse then she can’t regulate on her own yet, at least not all the time, she needs you to help her regulate - it’s called coregulation. It’s hard but you have to look beyond the ‘disrespect’ and language she’s using and understand what’s triggering the behaviour in order to help prevent it. In between, you have a zero blame approach, do not hold grudges and work on your connection with her. It will take time, things won’t change overnight.

It doesn’t sound like the meltdowns have stopped. Their presentation may have changed, but it sounds like DD is having meltdowns.

DD isn’t going to be able to self regulate better all by her self. She needs support, including professional support, to equip her with the skills and strategies, and to support her to use the strategies ‘in the moment’.

A sensory OT assessment looks at a person’s sensory profile and needs and look at how they can be better supported. Have you looked at e.g. a weighted blanket, vest, lap-pad, bodysok, rollers that provides similar sensory input to a what you are providing via a cuddle/lying on top of her? By unmet sensory needs I mean some people process sensory information differently, so unmet needs in this areas can hinder self regulation.

No I haven't tried a weighted blanket.

I'm just so sad. I don't him I'm doing a good job am I ☹️

Perhaps if school haven't started the help again after Easter, I'll contact early help.
I'm scared and maybe I'm just not good enough

What support does she have at school apart from the draw and talk sessions?

Nothing.

I'm just starting to think it's me.

I will try pick myself up and do the co-regulating thing more.

It’s not that you’re not doing a good job, she just needs a different approach, that’s all. Lots of ND children don’t respond to the old authoritarian style of parenting. She’s 9, she can’t make the changes. You have to make the changes. It’s not always easy raising a neurodivergent child but you can do it

I really think you need to request an EHCNA, carer’s assessment and an assessment for DD via the disabled children’s team.

I don't think I'm a carer.
What do the disabled children's team do for an assessment?
She's not diagnosed although I have very strong suspicions and she is on a list. But to me, she doesn't fit into the categories either