Help! Please

[Tiredmama84]

My son is almost 9 and has been referred for ASD/ADHD testing through his school. We have been waiting for an appointment for 9 months but have been told the wait is 30 months. I am emotionally exhausted and feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown.

My son can be so lovely but it’s becoming less and less that I see that side of him. The last few months have been horrendous and I have no idea what to do. He has no patience at all, as soon as he wants something he has to have it otherwise he kicks off (shouting, throwing, hitting things/himself) I almost crashed my car today because he had a huge meltdown over not being allowed to play on his switch, he started throwing things into the front of the car, he was screaming and punching his seat. I am genuinely terrified about what’s happening to him. I just don’t know what to do he doesn’t care about any consequences until I follow through with them and then he has a meltdown and there is nothing I can do to help him. He’s also started running off when he gets angry.

I don’t have a diagnosis yet. I don’t know if I’ll get one my family just think he’s naughty. I’m just at a loss I feel like whatever I do is wrong and that I’m failing him. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t cry myself to sleep.

can anyone offer any advice. I keep having terrible thoughts about killing myself. I dont want to, I don’t want to leave my boys I am just completely lost.

Im sorry I don’t have any advice but that sounds so hard. Hopefully someone helpful will be along soon.

I'm so sorry to read your post Tired mama..you sound utterly exhausted and my heart goes out you. I'm afraid I don't have any direct experience of ASD/ADHD but I do feel looking back that my child had undiagnosed oppositional defiant disorder. I had never heard of it at the time but I remember the meltdowns and the screaming and the frustration that I must be doing something wrong. So many nights we both fell asleep crying. I think now I was too hard on myself and my child in terms of discipline. I could have let more things slide. One small thing I did learn was my child needed to eat frequently. Just a small snack every couple of hours. I thought I was doing everything I could for them and never took a day off but I know now I was very stressed/ exhausted and they picked up on it and It caused them to be stressed too. It was a whole vicious cycle. Is there anyway you could get a break at all? If you have any time for alternative health I found Rescue Remedy drops and such like very helpful for both of us. You can even get them in gummy form. Is there any parent help line you could call or a charity that helps with ASD/ADHD? Any support you can get even someone to talk to who has been there would be a help. I hope you get some rest tonight and things feel a bit brighter in the morning.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. We are at the start of Dd being assessed for autism and we're advised the waiting list can be upto two years. I'm looking into paying for a private assessment to speed things up and get support for him. It is expensive though, about £2500. Is this something you could possibly do? I have heard schools etc don't tend to help and offer support until there is an official diagnosis, so may be worth while thinking about, if it's affordable for you.

My DS was diagnosed last year, age 12. It was such a wait. We got down to 6 mk this before stupid covid.

I do have to parent him differently to my girls. He's much more understanding now, but when he was younger, even though I can be quite strict with tech time, I would allow him extra if it just meant that he'd be happy and quiet and safe for an hour or two! If you're in the car, don't feel bad about letting him have more tech etc, if that would sit right with you. Meltdowns aren't the same as tantrums that toddlers have.

Fidget toys helped my son a lot when he was a bit younger. Or sometimes he'd wear my scarf when we were out and he was overwhelmed, he liked the soft feel of it.

I think I've found with my NT children, being bored and understimulated is good for them, as even though they moan, it's good for their imagination etc. However with my son, if I let him get too understimulated he gets very stressed.

It can be such a lot to deal with :( in my area there's an autism outreach group that you can refer to even if you're only waiting for an assessment. Or there's a 'school nurse team', but they're run by the health visitors and can drop in and help with techniques and things. It would be worth looking whats available in your area? Also connecting with other parents of SEN children helped me a lot. Sometimes it's just comforting knowing you're not alone.

Sending love and solidarity xx

P s. FWIW, my son had a terrible time emotion/meltdown-wise age 8-10, however now he is so much more settled and understands his differences and knows how to manage them better. There is light at the end.

Hi Tiredmama84,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way right now.

We hope you don't mind but we've moved your thread across to SN parents as we think you'll find like minds and useful advice there.

link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you very soon.