To refuse to work with family support worker and risk being fined?

[MoJoBangles]

I have 3DC, 2 younger DS (14 and 12) were diagnosed with ASD last year. The main issue for both is school refusal for different reasons (they have very different needs) and I have been threatened with prosecution for the past 2 years due to poor attendance. Various TAC meetings have taken place over the years and I have always been very involved in working with school to try and improve behaviour/attendance. Essentially my parenting has been blamed for my DC's behaviour for many years and I have done all of the parenting courses etc. and have tried everything at this point to improve their attendance.

The bottom line is that both my DC were diagnosed relatively late and have therefore had no support with their ASD from school as it went unrecognised and autistic meltdowns were labelled as "poor behaviour caused by poor parenting". This caused increased isolation after lengthy exclusions or stints in a pupil referral unit which I have been told was completely inappropriate for a child with autism which eventually led to them becoming more isolated from their peers and social anxiety set in, leading to school refusal.

Recently I have had to agree to work with a family support worker to help me assert more boundaries at home. I was told outright (and it is brought up at every meeting) that if I don't work with this person then I will be prosecuted for my DC having such poor attendance. I've been working with her weekly since lockdown but she hadn't met DC until this week, where she asked to meet DS2 (14).

The purpose I was told was to build rapport with DS and find things that could improve his attendance. Instead she ranted at DS for an hour about why its important he goes to school and he told her several times he was struggling to follow what she was saying. She asked him what he wanted to be when he's older and just as he was replying, she cut him off and started her rant again aimed at me. Also, whilst I was sat with them, she asked DS if he felt I was neglecting him. DS answered no, but then the support worker told him he is being neglected by me because he isn't going to school and I'm not ensuring he goes. DS was upset by this and told her it isn't my fault he won't go. I have never been accused of neglect and every referral has made it very clear that there are no concerns about me neglecting my children so for her to tell my son this was a shock and I didn't know what to say.

Im going to submit a complaint against her as i feel her conduct was very inappropriate. She was also swearing in front of DS, I'm guessing to get on "his level" when DS would never swear in front of an adult and i could tell he felt uneasy (this is the first stranger he's seen since lockdown as he has not left the house at all).

This something I've voluntarily agreed to, it is not enforced (although the threat of prosecution didn't leave me much choice). The more I've thought about it, the angrier I've become and wish i pulled her up on it at the time. We have a meeting planned for next Monday to meet youngest DS but I really have lost any faith in her ability to do her job. I never want to see her again but then I don't want to face prosecution either.

That does sound really poor. What swear word did she use?!

It's quite common for young people with autism to be school refusers.

You could try the IPSEA support line for advice. They support families of children with special needs.
www.ipsea.org.uk/advice-line

Hi OP

I've no experience of this but your post has made me so angry. Not only have your children been failed by no one recognising their issues, now you're effectively being punished for their diagnosed disabilities. Where is the support!? What a waste of time and resources and it sounds like it's making everything worse. Sorry you're going through this. Would it be worth posting on the SEN board?

You need to write to the Local Authority and request an EHC needs assessment. If you secure an EHCP you would be able to secure the support your children need to attend school regularly or to attend a different type of school that they might find easier to attend. To find template letters and get support and advice with this look at IPSEA and SOSSEN. Do they have CAMHS support? Their refusal is most likely down to anxiety.

Thankyou, I'll check out the IPSEA website. I actually spoke to SENDIAS today and they have agreed to help me submit an EHCP assessment for both DC but it won't be enforced until December at the earliest and thats only if I don't have to appeal.

She said fuck and shit. I wish i had recorded the conversation because I was stunned at the time and can't remember everything. To make matters worse, this all took place in my garden because she isn't allowed to enter houses due to COVID, so my neighbours could easily hear the whole conversation.

Thats exactly how I feel @OoohTheStatsDontLie. I can only describe the past 5 years of school as hell, my DC have been seriously let down by the system on so many occasions which is why I was reluctant to have yet another person involved who is incompetent. I really am so worn down by the system.

I will try get this post moved to SEN

Thank you @hiredandsqueak.

No CAHMS involvement. DS 14 was discharged after diagnosis and DS 12 was a private diagnosis (NICE accredited)

It’s also not rare for people with autism to be very offended by swear words because it is violating the social rules they are struggling to follow.

I would start by making a complaint about that worker and asking for a replacement, preferably someone who has experience working with non-NT children.

I'm sorry, OP.

If you want to try to postpone the next meeting to give yourself some breathing space, you might state that the inappropriate setting and lack of privacy and intimate nature of the information being exchanged has breached your elder DC's legitimate right to privacy. Haven't your neighbours informally complained about the persistently and shockingly foul and inappropriate language used by your visitor?

If it goes ahead, I would make an audio recording.

I would seek advice from the organisations PPs have said. You may be best able to judge what causes you least stress and damage to your DC, to disengage and face a bureaucratic response or to go ahead then complain. If you disengage, make a written complaint (you seemed admirably clear in your OP) to try to stop the clock for a fine or at least make them think twice before proceeding with any fine and ask for a copy of the notes of the first meeting, DPA Subject Access request if necessary.

@Purpleartichoke, my son asked her what her job role was. She explained how she has autistic nephews so autism isn't new to her.

There are no specialist autism family support workers. We have had contact with ASD team but they only work in school and obviously the issue is non attendance so cannot be seen in school. It's a catch 22

That is awful. I'm really sorry you're having to manage the dreadful service staff. Your poor son too. I second IPSEA and a complaint and I would be seeking a huge apology. There is really enough to be getting on with without adding unwanted, incompetent and offensive individuals to the mix. Well done on getting this far in advocating for and supporting your children.

You might also want to formally request the LA's for policy of handling school refusal for children with ASD and how they have equality-assessed this policy and approach to ensure it does not discriminate on the basis of disability? And for them to describe what training the role undertaking that role requires, in particular with respect to children with ASD/non-NT. In effect, if you want to, to try and make them take stock instead of progressing with their mechanistic - school refusal - interview - punishment regime. You might be hitting a wasps nest but it sounds like their not giving you the benefit of the doubt at the moment. If they carry on then this might give you some ammunition either to go throught their governance structure/Cabinet and/or to fight any fine. If there's glaring deficiencies then you might be able to interest a representative body or pro bono lawyer?

Sadly PMSL at 'how she has autistic nephews so autism isn't new to her', if she had a nephew who'd had a kidney transplant, would that make her a surgeon? There's a world of difference between personal relations and professional training and experience?

contact National Autistic Society (NAS)
I really hate ignorant people who say I have known I person with autism so I am an expert - I would want to know her qualifications
every dc is different
people within the spectrum present differently
they may have co-morbidities
they may have different strengths & weakness & issues (as do we all)
girls present differently than boys
www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.5172/jfs.15.3.309
I cant access the full article (note other interesting articles too)
but from my memory it discusses experiences of mothers who went to parenting classes re the difficulties they had with their dc behaviour (perceived parents fault) & the attitudes of the social worker who was in charge of the course
I have some vivid memories of a psychiatric social worker a patronising idiot who hadn't a clue
(wish I could be with you I would have given the silly cow a real set down! )

dd within spectrum diagnosed finally aged 16 many moons ago (thanks to a private speech therapist!)

Appalling. She doesn’t sound like she has any understanding of school refusal or autism either. As well as the formal complaint (which is totally justified), I think you should ask for an ASD specialist to a) work with your children and b)’work with the school to change the environment to be more autism friendly. Do they have an ECHP? If not, apply for one via GP and then use their non attendance as evidence they aren’t coping. Then push for a red balloon school or similar.

Thank you so much for these responses. I'm sat in tears reading this as it is so validating. I have been told for so many years that this is all my fault and I was hoping the diagnosis would change that, but still I am made to feel like i have failed my children.

I would really love to take on the LA legally for their many failings. I'm a lone parent and feel I have been actively discriminated against because of this. I have a successful career and receive no financial support from their father but have been repeatedly questioned by school why i continue to work, asking me to take a year out of work unpaid to "sort out my DC", asking me to reduce my working hours (which I did 3 years ago) and have now been offered a promotion and they questiined why I had taken it as its a full time job and I wouldn't have time to attend these TAC meetings.

My DC are also mixed race and I have been reading up on exclusion figures for black children are 2X higher than white (likely because behaviour is labelled as naughty in black chlidren as opposed to finding out the cause). Youngest DS was first excluded in year 2 of primary, once for 3 months where the school asked if they can mark him down as "sick" as opposed to "excluded" so it wouldn't appear on his record. He has sensory issues but has been restrained more times than I can count and placed in a cupboard alone with the door held shut by an adult. This was often well past him calming down but he would remain on the floor. He's had 3 separate "stays" at a PRU aged 8, 9 and 10, all over 6 months. He spent much of this time in a small padded room to do his work in isolation. His primary school refused to accept his diagnosis despite it being NICE accredited and the Head teacher scoffed at the recommendations it contained.

The above is just a snapshot

Aside from everything else that was awful about her behaviour, the neglect thing really stood out to me and I think you should lead with that if making a complaint.

Either A) She knows you aren’t neglectful, as if you genuinely were she’d maybe ask your son privately, so she raised the issue to make you (and possibly even your DS!) uncomfortable and to flex her power a bit, as she likely knows this is compulsory for you.

Or B) She was genuinely concerned that your son might be neglected, but instead of asking him privately/reporting up to her manager she asked him, in front of you, in quite a confrontational way, showing a blatant disregard for safeguarding procedure 101 - you don’t ask kids if they’re being abused when their parents are present.

Either scenario is unacceptable from a professional standpoint. I’d make that the first thing you say: “HerName asked my son if I was neglecting him whilst I was present. When he said no, she told him I was.” She sounds like such a twat and I’m so sorry you went through that.

And you sound a great mother, fighting your kids’ corner the way you have

I’m so sorry those things have happened to your children and I’m so sorry they happened to you. It’s not okay. It shouldn’t have happened.
Racism for black boys is horribly common. I say this as a teacher. We should be keeping records of ethnic bias in all behaviour interventions and then reviewing them internally and externally to make sure there are not unconscious/conscious biases coming out (spoiler: there are)

Sadly schools and local authorities have received so little funding but retained all the same statutory responsibilities. Because this is impossible to square, they go down ‘blame the parent route’. It absolves them and costs very little.

The other factor is that incredibly few school or LA staff have decent ASD understanding or training, particularly on the sensory side. I’ve heard school and specialist LA SEN advisors say the most ignorant things that show almost no awareness.

I’m so sorry you are at the sharp end. Please know that not all teachers are like this and not all schools behave like this.

By all means make your complaint and all floor a different worker. I work in the criminal justice system and whilst I strongly disagree with it (and often ask why it is always the mothers), I have seen many women end up on probation for failure to secure regular attendance at school. You would likely receive a community sentence with unpaid work and either a thinking skills programme or RAR days where you'd be expected to work on your parenting, problem diving, attend we m women's groups etc and it would be court mandated. You may also incur court costs on top. As I said I don't agree with that at all, but please don't think you would only get a fine.

*ask for a different worker

*problem solving skills.... Maybe I do need MN premium

Good grief, OP, I've never heard of anything being so inappropriately handled by a so-called professional.

It definitely merits a complaint, and it would be a good thing to make them look at their appalling practice and lack of training when it comes working with young people with ASD. If it's anything like working with adults who aren't NT, it requires a completely different approach, which is why our front-line staff are never allocated ASD clients unless/until they've completed some specialised training.

The swearing was unprofessional and inappropriate* and discussing this with your son in a setting where other people can hear is a breach of confidentiality (not to mention bloody embarrassing for you and your son). I get that it's difficult atm, but if they can't make a suitable room available, where social distancing can be observed, they'll have to do these appointments via Zoom or something.

*it can be appropriate when working with a sweary client as it can help them feel a bit more relaxed and that they don't have to struggle not to swear themselves, but you shouldn't swear unless the client does

Have a look at Interhigh. My son does it and loves it and quite a few of the children using it are school refusers. If they might click with online learning that would be an alternative to mainstream school? Some local authorities will fund an online school place I think

No one who actually knows anything about ASD would assume they are an expert because they have nephews with it, that was a very silly thing for her to say.

I agree @whattimeisitrightnow, either way it was a highly inappropriate thing to say. Especially whilst sat in my bloody garden!

Thank you for not dismissing the racial bias I know my DC have experienced @Frozenfrogs86. There's so much more I could say about this but iys probably another thread in itself.