Primary school auties: summer and beyond - thread 5

[openupmyeagereyes]

This is the continuation of the thread for parents and carers of autistic children in Early Years and KS1. Most of us are parents of children in Reception or Year 1, but all welcome!

Here are the links to the previous threads:

Thread 1: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Hey! Hope everyone is well. I've kind of been dipping in and out.

I've got both kids starting new schools today. Dd is starting reception and I just miraculously got Ds on the bus to his new special school. Hoping he doesn't do anything awful on the bus!

Danni. It's my ds that has moved to special school. Today is his first proper day but he did a couple of weeks of settling in last term. He seemed to enjoy it last term and on the first day they had him in shoes! (Crazy really as he hadn't worn shoes for 6 months!)
I'm not sure how communication works now he's on the bus but I'm in regular email contact with the head of primary.
I was reading an earlier post where you were having trouble looking at schools. I would talk to your LA and ask them to consult schools for you then you will be more likely to be able to look around.
Definitely look out of borough and bear in mind that you will have to prove that local school cannot meet his needs. Also if he does end up out of borough the LA may not be liable to pay for transport, worth talking to your SENDIASS about this or IPSEA if you can get an appointment. It's all to do with whether you can prove a particular school is the only one that can meet his needs.

Thanks Liv I had a feeling it was your ds but for some reason I always confuse you and dimples. I hope school goes well for both of your children today 🙏🏻 That’s great about ds wearing shoes. My ds is ok with shoes and clothes, he’s not so keen on wearing a coat but there’s worser things x

Sendiass just phoned me and after I’ve explained everything about the annual review last week and not knowing what I’m to do next she’s just phoning his ehcp co ordinator now, she asked my permission to phone her on mine and ds’ behalf and she’s going to see what she can do / find out. She’s asked me if I definitely want to request specialist school because mainstream have made it clear that he needs to go but she said it’s not their choice and the desicion lies with me at the minute.

So I said yes I want him to go to SS as he can’t continue being educated out of a classroom being bribed with biscuits all day (going into the third year of that happening!) and being babysat because that’s really what’s happening.

His mainstream school do there best and I do get on with them but they’ve exhausted all options and I feel and they feel that he needs specialist input now, in an ideal world ds would stay in mainstream with support but it’s just not working out.

When I told sendiass that he’s having a lot of 2-1 now she asked me if she could check that with his mainstream school (not sure if she thought I was lieing!) so I said that’s fine I told her who she needed to ask for (senco.) because sendiass said that on his ehcp would be more than enough evidence for the panel, so she wanted that included onto his ehcp.

Anyway she said she’ll be back in contact with me, so I’ll just wait now x

Just a quickie, will catch up properly in a bit.

Just wondered if anyone could recommend any picture books dealing with death? @LightTripper you said dd was asking about death a while back, did you find anything helpful?

Ds has been getting anxious and asking questions about it today. Poor thing, I wish I could protect him from the harsh realities of life.

Open I don’t have any advice sorry, I’ll follow with interest for future reference though, my ds doesn’t understand death at all.

Saturday I took some flowers to the crematorium for my gran, I said to ds we will put these down for granny and he said where is she? So I said, she died remember ds and he said did I die when I was a baby? I said no ds then we left, i didn’t want to talk about it further as I wasn’t sure what to say as he doesn’t understand what I’m saying, I find it really hard to come up with explanations he’d get! So then yesterday my dad came and ds was bouncing on the trampoline and we were all sat in the garden and when I said it was time to go in ds said I have to go in because I died.

I’m not taking him to the crematorium again lol!

My dad was like wtf 😳😆

Bless them, it’s so hard for any kid to understand.

DS is rather death obsessed at the moment too. The other day he had an ant bite and he asked me what would happen next. I said that it might be a bit itchy and he said 'and then I will die'! When I talk about death I mention that most people don't die until their 80s to try and reassure him. However, my Gran is 99 so he has recently taken to asking her if she is going to die soon!

The only book I can think of that dealt with death is the Mog one but I think DS found that quite confusing. He is v puzzled by me crying at Mufasa's death in the Lion King. Don't think that he has ever seen Bambi.

I used Badger’s Parting Gifts to talk through death with my DD. It was very helpful and I liked how it emphasised that it’s ok to feel sad.

DS has become a bit obsessed with the Charlie and Lola book about a mouse dying and wants it at bedtime most nights...

Thanks everyone. Ds has mentioned it again today but is not so upset as last night where his voice was catching and he sounded like he was going to burst into tears. He is currently insisting it’s not final and you can come back.

First day back tomorrow. We have been reading the social stories from the school and watching their videos. He is excited, I hope it lasts!

It’s going to be very strange to not have him here. My house needs a proper deep clean.

Well, so far we've survived. DS has been a little drama queen about transitions, but nothing too terrible.

That’s great orinocos

Ah it sounds like a fairly good start for everyone! Fingers crossed for day twos! It was DDs first day back today; seemed to go ok though the group she’s in only consists of three kiddos so she’s very much in her comfort zone. Noticeably different tonight... talking of wolves, foxes and drawing people with sad faces: hasn’t done this at all over lockdown/summer hols so I’ll keep an eye on that and make sure I keep communication going.

Glad you got in touch with SENDIASS danni. From what you said on here it sounds like you are making the right decision to move him. My ds was the same, essentially being babysat in mainstream, whereas he has much more independence in his special school and he is already much happier there. Also what's not to love about a soft play and sensory room! Hope you can find the right setting for him.

Open I think a lot of children go through the death phase, I remember ray nephew (NT) being obsessed for over a year. My favourite kids book about death/grief is 'the heart in the bottle' by Olivier Jeffers. But it might be a bit too abstract for your ds? Hope the start to school goes well.

Glad it's going ok Orinoco.

That's amazing furry that she can express herself like that. Hope she settles in ok.

So far so good here. Dd is really enjoying going in and miraculously still getting ds on the bus to school. Although there is quite a lot of bribery going on. He seems to need to do lots of messy play/crafting when he gets home, which is a bit draining but I suppose a small price to pay! Thankfully no violence yet so that is a massive improvement from his last school.

liv glad all’s going well.

My ds was the same, essentially being babysat in mainstream, whereas he has much more independence in his special school and he is already much happier there this is a very good point and definitely something for us to bear in mind in the next year or two depending on how ds develops.

Ds went in happily today, was very excited. I really hope he has a positive start back after 6 months away 🤞

6 months off open, that’s right he didn’t go back in June did he, Jesus! I would be a full blown alcoholic if I were you 😂 glad he went in fine and I hope it continues.

Liv I’m pleased he’s settling in nicely and great news on no violence! we haven’t had any recent incidents with ds hitting either thankfully. Also I’m pleased dd is liking school too.

Orino & furry glad your kids have got on ok too.

Ds has been back a week now he seems to enjoy it, he’s never school refused though thankfully, it’s pretty much as every other year though plays outside a lot barely in the class and making biscuits all afternoon, nothing much seems to have changed.

Open I’m with you on deep cleaning, I’ve recently done all those little jobs you think about doing but since they aren’t life or death you just don’t bother doing, descaling my kettle, making all the plug holes smell nice, sorting under bed storage boxes out etc, trying to get one of those type of things done a day on top of normal cleaning. Need to paint my downstairs toilet at some point before 2025

My house is spotless until about 3 o clock then you would never be able to tell I cleaned it once ds is in.

Well, I didn’t manage much deep cleaning but Rome was not built in a day! I did have a fairly productive day though so I am pleased.

Ds had a good first day

Excellent news @openupmyeagereyes

Settling in session went ok but DS a bit overwhelmed. I have cleaner coming tomorrow...woo hoo!

Hello all! Glad back to school has gone well for everyone!

DD was a bit anxious first day back and was hiding behind me and not looking at/talking to anyone. But then we sat on a bench in the playground and she spotted a spider, so we looked at that for a bit and it seemed to calm her down, and then she spotted an ants nest and had a mini-chat with a TA, and went in OK at lining up time (though insisted I stay with her: luckily there was one other kid not letting his parent go either, so I wasn't alone!)

But after that she's been fine. I think it's because we were allowed onto the playground on Day 1 (mainly to help carry in all their reading books from the summer and PE kit and stuff I guess!) But on Day 2 they said goodbye at the gate, which is what they were doing last term, and she's been totally fine with that. In fact, she's not even wanting to do a "silly wave" any more! Which feels like a big moment somehow. I'm slightly missing dancing around like a pillock on the pavement in front of the other parents .

She's enjoyed being back though and seems to be managing well. They even got to do a school trip this week (coach trip to the seaside) so that was a bit of a treat - they were allowed to take a bucket and spade so DD was in HEAVEN!

@openupmyeagereyes - sorry for slow reply! Badger's Parting Gifts is really good I agree. I also like Rabbityness, which is rather similar but more modern/funky/colourful illustrations. My favourite of that type is probably "Always and Forever" about a Fox. Those are all very definitely and obviously about death. Badger's Parting Gifts does imply an afterlife I think, but the others are silent on that.

There are a couple I like that are a bit less direct too: like Paper Dolls (where her dolls get snipped up but go into her memory - where there is also a favourite Grandma - so it's very indirect but nice to think about/talk about loss and what that feels like more generally). Also books like The Storm Whale and The Bog Baby are good to talk about loss/letting go (but not directly about death). Might be good to talk about sadness and missing people though? This website has a list of others: ivyslibrary.com/lossandgrief/

We went through this when DD's Grandma died when she was about 4 - just after DS was born. She deals pretty well with the concept of death now, though it's hard to predict how she'll be when we next have to face it in practice (or how I'll be for that matter!) Good to talk about these things though I think.

Guys please can someone give me the benefit of your collective advice?

I’m at my wits end with dd HFA no doubt but awaiting a dx. She has been really brave about going back to school after lockdown but is driving other people crazy talking incessantly about her favourite game (bit like animal crossing) which she is obsessed with. She’s losing the few friends she has and I fear she will end up alone.

Does anyone have any tips to help an 8 year old reduce talk abut their special interest?

Has anyone tried agreeing times of the day it won’t be discussed? Eg not at school lunch time?

I would be so grateful for any help

Sounds tricky Onceuponatimethen. I’ve no advice I’m afraid but will be keen to see any from others. At least dd’s interest is mainstream, my ds’ is erm, quite niche to say the least. I’m hoping he moves onto something else soon!

@Onceuponatimethen there are Social Stories about this, I’m sure I’ve seen them. Maybe that’s something to look into? I’ve seen conferences by Tony Attwood too, which have given examples of how to approach this. One thing he said sticks with me: girls mask a LOT and part of the incessant focus talk is a way of relieving anxiety in social situations. So, again, it could be that using the anxiety theory as being a causative effect, relieving some of that anxiety may reduce the need to talk about what is, to her, one thing she feels very confident in?

Yes, social stories are a good idea.

Onceuponatimethen these are from the book Social Rules for kids. They may or may not be a bit advanced for an 8yo but can be simplified or tweaked into more of a social story format if needed:

Oh that’s amazing @openupmyeagereyes thank you so much. Really appreciate that way of dealing with it

It seems like it’s all that is really interesting her at the moment @furrycat1978 as she wants to do it even when very happy!

I think the whole book is useful. I’ve not really used it yet but think it will be handy in the coming years (ds is 6.8).

The first few days back at school have been mostly good here. A few issues but the teacher was pleased with how he’s settling back in and he still seems happy enough.

Thanks for the book recommendations. We have Paper Dolls and Bog Baby but will look at some of the others.

Glad your ds and dd are doing well open and Light.

How's the school hunt going danni?

We're definitely having a more challenging time second week in. But ds is still getting on the bus (with a fair amount of bribery).