Primary school auties: summer and beyond - thread 5

[openupmyeagereyes]

This is the continuation of the thread for parents and carers of autistic children in Early Years and KS1. Most of us are parents of children in Reception or Year 1, but all welcome!

Here are the links to the previous threads:

Thread 1: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Phew Lottie
MumofSEND good luck with the EHCP and getting the right school.

Mumofsend why are the LA adamant dd can’t go to a specialist school?

Good luck for ds’ EP assessment.

A good week here though ds tired and a bit fussy tonight.

We had snow this morning (it’s all gone now) so we had a snowball fight in the garden before school

I hope everyone’s weekend is going well. We bought our tree today, ds was very excited. He’s already pinched a few ornaments

I listened to the Janet Lansbury book on Audible and I’ve been listening to some of her podcasts, I think they’re pretty appropriate for young autistic dc because of their emotional immaturity. I thought I’d post her holiday survival guide here as it’s a summary of the things we all generally try and do anyway and might be useful for someone reading:

www.janetlansbury.com/2016/12/my-holiday-survival-guide/

Hi all

Dipping in and out here but have found reading really helpful

I’m feeling really alone at the moment and can’t sleep as I’m worried about new stuff school have said about dd age 9 getting upset at school.

Does anyone have any suggestions for strategies for when HFA children this age are experiencing upset at school?

Things that she might get upset about would be stuff like her art not going as planned on a piece of work. If she doesn’t get all her spellings right etc.

What strategies do school have in place to help your kids when they get upset?

We’ve tried breathing techniques and use a mindfulness colouring and exercise book at home

I would be so grateful if anyone has any ideas?

I’ve been up since 3 am stressing about it all I’ve just been watching some little social story videos with her about making mistakes, which all have the message mistakes are ok.

Still not sure what strategies to ask if school can put in place on melting down / distress in school?

Would be very grateful if anyone can share what works for their kids in the 7-10 age range

@Onceuponatimethen my DDs school are trying to introduce oopsy cards which sound like they could be beneficial. Not entirely sure how they work but I know her 1-1 will be using and modelling them too.

@openupmyeagereyes because none are suitable. I've been contacting them myself and they all seem to be suggesting the same thing.

Onceuponatimethen have you asked the school SENco what techniques they suggest for using at school? I think that would be a good idea. Additionally I suggest social stories, modelling the behaviour that making mistakes is ok (you will have to be creative here but try and not be too obvious) and in small world play, depending on her age and maturity level.

I don’t think these issues are easily solved so expect it to take time. *@LightTripper*may have some good ideas as her dd is a bit of a perfectionist too I think.

Thank you so much @Mumofsend they sound great I’ve been Googling and can’t find them so if you or anyone else know anything more about oopsy cards I would be really grateful.

I hope they work really well for your dd

@openupmyeagereyes that’s a brilliant idea about small world play. I’ve told some stories today (not too obvious I hope) about times I’ve made mistakes and what I learned.

The senco seems to be expecting us to come up with strategies and this is partly why I feel so panicky

@LightTripper really grateful for your insights if you have time to post

@openupmyeagereyes I should have said I really appreciate you taking time to reply

Well that seems rather lazy on the part of the SENco!

I would also add that I wouldn’t try to verbally persuade her that these things don’t matter because they do matter to her. Use reflective listening and empathise with her point of view. As she’s a little older you may be able to brainstorm with her ideas that might help her feel better about these things that upset her and what she could do differently.

@Onceuponatimethen tomorrow when DD is in school I will go through my emails and find the resources x

Hello @onceuponatimethen. DD definitely can be a perfectionist! We did a lot of modelling with her about mistakes being OK, that's how we learn, etc. She's definitely less sensitive about it than she was, but it can be a source of anxiety still. Because DD is only 6 and it was probably around a year ago that this problem "peaked" (so far at least! Would not be at all surprised if it makes a return) we were able to be pretty obvious.

A lot of it is things you are already doing I think. E.g. talking about times when you feel annoyed because you've got something wrong, and talk to her about how it makes you feel, and how you manage those feelings? I think for our kids a lot of it is about being able to process and talk about feelings. So books about feelings, those journals for writing down ideas about feelings, looking for examples in stories she's reading about people dealing with strong emotions, all probably good? I agree that just saying "never mind" doesn't really help.

It's a bit worrying if school are not suggesting their own ideas. Can you ask them what they have tried so far, and what they've observed about whether that helps or not? They must also have had some other perfectionist children to manage before, even if less extreme? If they don't have ideas/have an inexperienced SENCO, maybe your local authority SENCO could help too?

I agree that brainstorming with her later (when she's calm/happy) could also be a great idea. Sort of a Ross Greene "Plan B"/Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see e.g. here if you haven't come across his stuff: www.livesinthebalance.org/pycc-plan-b and . I'm reading his book "Raising Human Beings" at the moment and it's good).

Thanks so much @LightTripper - will read properly in the morning but that all sounds amazing.

We do a lot at home on general anxiety and yoga type stuff.

Does anyone’s child have a pass to a quiet room? Any calming strategies that work well in the moment when your ds or dd is upset?

Just wrote a long post and lost the lot! Can’t even be arsed to type it again.

Picked ds up from school he’s in a foul argumentative mood, just what I need this afternoon, he’s just been screaming in my face telling me my car tyres are flat, no they aren’t ds no they aren’t, he’s yes they are yes they are, in the end I just said ok ds my car tyres are flat whatever you say, then he starts with no they are not no they are not throwing himself all over the floor etc, he plays some mind games with me I tell you! I ignore him and he won’t give up. He’s just started saying I don’t want anything to eat so I said ok then, so soon as I moved his peanut butter sandwich he screams for his peanut butter sandwich back, no energy for this today.

I’ve got a migraine coming on too 😩

My long message that I lost was basically just saying the local special school is full in September too. His case worker (who I managed to speak to thursday morning for the best part of an hour) has got to consult with the juniors so he has something to go to in September for year 3 whilst we wait for a place to become available in the special school, nothing else is appropriate for ds they are either shockingly bad if they have a space or are all full and miles away.

I know for a fact the juniors will say they can’t meet his needs and won’t even accept him she said well they can say that but if they are just going by what the infants tell them then that’s not good enough as the infants haven’t been going there job properly so they need some concrete proof they can’t meet his needs until he can move (her words)

She’s consulting with the special school for September anyway but she said she talks to them regularly as part of her job and she knows the situation so she was ‘just letting me know in advance’

Sendiass has gone awol on me and doesn’t ring me when she says and I can’t get a call back off ipsea been trying for weeks.

I had planned to do some number work with ds this afternoon with some bits I bought from eBay but I won’t bother unless his mood changes and my paracetamols work.

His caseworker told me Thursday that ds school now get £17650 a year for ds.

He does 3 hours a day (he’s been part time since he started more or less really with only a small period of being full time - now in year 2 )

I said to her that’s disgusting they taking that and only letting him part time and being managed by a dinner lady, she asked what I meant about the dinner lady so I explained and she said you’re joking?

She wants to have an emergency annual review after xmas she’s going to phone me first week school goes back to discuss a date etc

The juniors is a totally different school, it’s got a different head / staff / building etc.

I’d like to say they would be better with ds but several people have told me they are actually worse 😳

She did say if I want to move ds to another mainstream school until he can get in the local special school, to ring around and let her know and she will consult and he would stay until he can get in this SS we want.

Problem is, when I was looking for schools initially whilst he was in nursery I viewed them all and explained ds etc none wanted to know and 2 in particular (closest to us, made it really clear they didn’t want ds) And now his ehcp says he needs specialist school I very much doubt any mainstream school will take him in for a bit.

@danni0509 thats awful. We sound in really similar positions :(

I've been contacting mainstreams for my younger on the basis he definitely does get issued and none want to know. I think both I and DD are too traumatised to stay affiliated with the current school once she moves to specialist.

@Onceuponatimethen we don't have passes but DD just gets up and go and they've gradually guided her to a set few spaces

Not to mention I don’t want him in another mainstream school. That’s defeating the object. Maybe another mainstream school would do a better job than ds school (wouldn’t be hard) but if he’s going to a special school in the end what would be the point and that’s even if I convinced anyone to take him.

Need to get ipsea appointment before ds breaks up next Friday if I can, spend 30 minutes pouring it out and getting some proper advice.

Sendiass are ok, but they do have an agenda with who funds them, didn’t take me long to work that one out. Plus she never phones me back when she says she’s going to and always rings me back late afternoon when ds is home and I can’t think straight, last time she rang I stuck him on the trampoline so I could talk to her and he destroyed his trampoline and got his leg stuck so I’m trying to talk to her at the same time as unjamming his leg and I couldn’t think straight

Yes @Mumofsend we do, that’s why I was thinking about you the other day wondering how you were xx

@danni0509 could you get alternative provision in the meantime? LAs tend to keep quiet about them but that could be an option? I would be worried about trying a new mainstream too.

Are you on educational equality on FB? That's quite a good group

Thank you!

I don’t have Facebook mumofsend x

danni I know this is extreme but have you thought about moving? Finding a good school with a place and then moving there. I know you’ve probably already thought about it and often it’s not practical or easy. You really do seem stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I’m sorry.

Onceuponatimethen my ds has a desk in a side room off the classroom where he can go if he wants some space. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in KS2 as I don’t think any of those classrooms have the same sort of space in them.

Ds had his flu spray today. I’d forgotten about it until I got the automated email to say he’d done it. He’s got a runny nose though so no idea how effective it will be.