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Original poster

In-Law Ignorance! Rant. Help

62 replies

jakbrown · 13/10/2004 07:12

Dear all, I know from previous threads that some of you have had some experience of family not accepting your child's diagnosis. Well, my dh's sister actually told me that 'i had taken dd from consultant to consultant until somebody said it was autism' and that 'i should accept dd for who she is'. This was a year ago. I haven't spoken to her since and she's arriving tomorrow for two days!!!!! I think my dh's family are finding it very hard to come to terms with and I do understand that. But I don't know how to deal with such total C*. This is only the short version of the story- I could go on and on. I've not even mentioned dh's father yet. Any advice?

OP posts:
CleanKittyCat · 13/10/2004 07:47

Jakbrown - that is awful, why are you letting this woman back in your home, I wouldn't. sounds like your dh's family needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
Seeing as she is comming, I ould tell her from the start, before she gets her coat off would be good that she had better accept things the way they are or she can book herself into a hotel for the two days or just go back home. I woldn't tolerate any one like that into my house, but then again I'm a nasty bi**h myself sometimes. particularly where my familys problems lie. They don't have to live with your dds problems. Maybe by the end of her trip she will have seen enough of your dd's behaviour and will realise that she does have a problem, and it's not all in your head.
My dh has a severe disability and for 17 years his family told him that it was all in his head, obviously they have been proved wrong but even now 10 years after diagnosis they still refuse to accept it and hope that it will just go away. it won't.

Hope you manage OK let us know.

snmum · 13/10/2004 07:48

omg! we have major SIL trouble too!

My advice is turn off when she is talking to you and just nod but dont really listen, selective deafness. Works for me otherwise I would have knocked 7 colours of shit out of her by now

Original poster
jakbrown · 13/10/2004 08:01

Already feel better. Dreaded sister-in-law is booked in to a hotel (think dh realised that she would be in A&E within hours if not) but still have to do the 'family' thing. She hasn't seen dd for a year so clearly she really knows what she's on about! Think I'm going to blind her with science- dd's therapist says she's going to inundate her with stuff about ABA and go on about what a saint I am . Clearly, large glass (make that bottle) of wine needed for this one.

OP posts:
coppertop · 13/10/2004 09:27

I don't think that anyone in my family has ever even mentioned the "A" word. I've heard all the comments about how ds1 didn't talk/play 'properly'/interact because I must've neglected him etc (and that's just the polite description of what I've been told! ). These days I just do what snmum does and pretend not to hear. Fortunately I think that the main culprit would rather gouge their own eyes out than stay at my house. Such a shame, eh?

Davros · 13/10/2004 09:28

ROFL Snmum! Good luck Jak,let us know how it goes. Got your CAT BTW, will answer soon

Jimjams · 13/10/2004 09:35

Well we have dh's parents coming to stay for a WEEEK at the end of next week. DH has said that he is going to tell his mother that a) she has to behave b) she has to do as she's told and c) if she doesn't she's out! I now just tell her when she is talking crap especially if its crap about autism. I have sent her some books to read since our last visit (dh told them they had to find out something about autism otherwise we couldn't see them). However SIL has now warned me that having read 2 books she thinks she's a world expert!

jojo38 · 13/10/2004 09:42

Hi Jakbrown

I feel for you yet I haven't had the extent of experience you and others have had by the sounds of it.
My son's difficulty cannot necessarily be seen. I had immense trouble trying to explain his problems to my mother. All she would say was that is was an excuse. She wouldn't accept it at all.
Now, it may be that my DH has a few problems related to Aspergers - this is a new direction for me, so I know little at the moment - and I have tried to discuss this with my mother - I wish I hadn't bothered but they don't get on so well, she won't accept his "behaviour" and has a go at me all the time. I am now trying to work out why he is so "different" and again, she is saying I am just trying to find an excuse for him.
It is never easy trying to describe how things are or how it effects you and makes you feel. Just keep plugging away. I found it easier to get all the info related to the problem and asked my mother to take it away and please read it.
In the end she did and we now discuss my son's problems at least. She relates them to her own trials she had with my brother at a similar age. It has helped her come to terms with her own son as well as her grandson.

I now have to work her round to understanding AS and the possibilities that DH has the same difficulties. Wish me luck!!

{{{hugs}}} all round. I hope things smooth out soon.

coppertop · 13/10/2004 09:43

ROFL Jimjams! (Not at the grim visit of course). You do realise that you'll have a week of MIL following you round saying "No!No!No! In my book it said that you mustn't do THAT! You have to do it like THIS!" Meanwhile you'll be shoving the nearest bottle of headache pills down her throat and telling her to bugger off to bed for the afternoon.

jojo38 · 13/10/2004 09:45

I have to add that DH's brother is autistic. His own father (mother passed when very young) STILL denies the fact.
Ignorance is bliss perhaps. Why should they believe they may have something "not quite right" in their family? Ignorance is ignorance... its rude and unsupportive... not bliss.

Original poster
jakbrown · 14/10/2004 08:25

jojo38, Blimey, sounds like you've got your hands full too! Have tried giving them stuff to read but I don't think they take it in. They're also very suspicious of ABA and think the therapists are glorifed babysitters. Anyway, countdown... She's arriving at 3.30. Will let you know how it goes. CleanKittyCat, it's amazing what people will block out if they don't want to face it?!!! Jimjams- yes, am going to be much more vociferous! I don't claim to know enough about autism yet but spending every day with my dd is a good grounding!

OP posts:
Jimjams · 14/10/2004 16:06

OK I'm about to ram my MIL through the nearest window! Will probably post more when I have spoken to dh- but boy did I need to say that.

heartinthecountry · 14/10/2004 16:30

blimey Jimjams - and she's not even there yet is she??

Amfs · 14/10/2004 16:38

what's she done jimjams?

Original poster
jakbrown · 14/10/2004 19:36

Tell all, Jim Jams...
My sister-in-law has arrived and is being REALLY NICE. I am suspicious...

OP posts:
hmb · 14/10/2004 19:43

Jimjams, don't try to poison the old bag with ibuprofen, the leathal dose is way to high!

Poor old you. Hugs

tamum · 14/10/2004 19:44

Jimjams, come back and tell us all, you know it will make you feel better

Amfs · 14/10/2004 19:46

can't believe she hasn't spilled the beans yet

what did she do? what did she do?

JanH · 14/10/2004 19:47

Are we all just waiting for jimjams' DH to come home first?

jojo38 · 14/10/2004 21:30

awwww, poor jj.
We're with you hun.. count to 10, deep breafs... put the candlestick down now...

Angeliz · 14/10/2004 21:32

Oh am SO intrigued!!

what has she done jimjams??

coppertop · 14/10/2004 21:32

Don't leave us in suspense like this, Jimjams! What's she done?

Jimjams · 15/10/2004 12:34

Oh god it's all so petty and ridiculous!

Basically dh's nephew is being christened in a couple of weeks. MIL has got it into her head that her family has to look "smart" (normal church servce christening - we're not talking Westminster Abbey or anything- I think she's determined to outdo SIL's in-laws or something). Anyway dh is going (the rest of us aren't) and MIL has started going on about how he needs a new suit, shirt, tie and shoes for the occasion. DH wears a suit to work every day- also he is 33 years old and therefore (imo) capable of deciding for himself what to wear.

anyway yesterday we received a letter saying "find enclosed to buy a suit shirt tie and shoes. Will you please do it this weekend otherwise I will be meeting you one lunchtime the week we are over".

Anyway point 1- don't talk to him like he's 5 years old. Point 2 this weekend we have a lot on- no time to go suit shopping and - this is what really wound me up- she had enclosed a cheque for 500 pounds!!!!!!!!! 500 pounds is a FORTUNE to us- with 500 pounds last summer I could have bought in a decent amount of help for ds1- which would have made a MASSIVE difference to all of us. IF she has this sort of money lying around I can't understand why she's happy to spend it on exercising a little control over what her grown up son does/buys/wears rather than help us out with ds1's therapies.

Anyway DH rang her, said "1. very generous but far too much for a suit when we are struggling to find money to pay for ds1's therapies, and I'd rather spend it on him 2. In the context of our family buying a new suit is very low down the list of priorities and 3. we don't have time this weekend." She then seemed to suggest that I bought it next week as I heard dh say that I was heavily pregnant and didn't need to be out suit shopping.

He then went on to ask whether they had read George and Sam, and Lorna Wings book yet- and said they needed to before they got here. And then told them that the idea is that they help out with the children when they are staying.

At that stage ds1 needed help in the toilet.

So dh is a straight talking star, and it's all very petty and minor, but yet another example of them not understanding anything about our life.

Haven't talked any further with dh about it as he gets upset that they are so unbelievably useless.

tamum · 15/10/2004 12:41

I'm completely speechless, both because I am truly appalled my your MIL's crassness (if she has that sort of money to throw away how dare she not offer to help in more practical ways?) and also in admiration for your dh who sounds a complete star, frankly.

Oh Jimjams, how do you cope. I will be hoping against hope that next week is not as bad as you expect, but without much conviction .

Blackduck · 15/10/2004 12:45

Jimjams...gobsmacked (I physically felt my jaw drop when I read your post..) My dp would go nuts if his mother did that to him.....and would probably turn up in the scruffest clothes he could lay his hands on!

Jimjams · 15/10/2004 12:48

Next week's ok- it's the week after It's all about attempting to wrestle a little bit of control. If she suddenly turned around and said "here have 500 pounds spend it however you wish" I would of course be completely grateful - but its all the "you will wear this, you will buy that, at this time" which is why she does it- and I HATE that. We're adults - I don't expect to be "kept" by anyone! We have been left alone for years- but used to have this sort of stuff a lot. I know SIL is having problems at the moment (well her dh is- think he's practically banned her from the house!) so we may get more of it for a while.

Managed to talk to dh about it without a row as well which was a bonus. I think we now know how to negotiate dealing with his family.