If you had an autistic child would you feel offended if he/she was not invited to a birthday party of a child you know

[TartWithAHeart]

Well would you?

Depends. If he/she was the only one missed out then yes. Also depends on why.

Need more specifics.

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Replied on the MMR thread but yes I would be very upset (not offended, upset). But as I said it sdoesn;t sound as if the friendship is going to survive anyway.

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I'm not as magnanimous as essbee and gess, I would be offended as well as upset... (my DS is 3.5 too, severe speech delay, still waiting for assessment). If you want to be supportive to the mother, I think it would be better to offer the mum a genuine choice, explain the activities on offer and see whether she thinks her DS would like to attend for part/all of it.

At 3.5 I would have been a basket case TC - probably offended, upset, distraught- it was all very new then. I remember crying rivers of tears when ds1 was aged between 2-4. It's about all I remember from those years. But it was a time when we lost a lot of friendships. Now I don't make friends with people who can't cope so it doesn't really come up.

Absolutely.

My son who is 4.5 and has ASD has missed many partys.

However has been invited to all and had the choice to attend or not.

I would probably be deeply offended if this happened to my son, but perhaps I am overly protect of him, as he probably would not care either way at the moment.

the watching and waiting and wondering how on earth things will turn out is not a nice stage, particularly when up till 3 I imagine the vast majority of people will get short shrift at seeking SALT etc referrals.

I'd be offended if someone didn't invite my boys just because they have autism. Like many other parents of children with autism I'm pretty much used to the absence of invitations but it's still not nice. Presumably some disabilities are more acceptable to discriminate against than others.

I'd hate the thought that ds's disability was the deciding factor as to if he was invited to a party or not.
Should be as simple as is he, or are his parents friends if so invite him, any dx should not figure into it.

My ds hardly goes to parties BUT that is because I can't get him through the door & if I do he is normally hanging off my leg or hiding under the table, but the parent should have the option to accept or decline just like everyone else.

My DS did 2 terms of nursery at a not-at-all-inclusive MS independent school, he got 1 invite although I know that there were more parties than that inc some whole class ones.

Have moved him to a smaller, less competative independent school with a really inclusive attitude - 2 invites the first week!

I was really upset last year and glad that DS was too young to know. (Ds has physical and learning difficulties, but not AS that we are aware of.)

I think as tc says, should be up to the parent of the AS child to be offered the choice.

Thanks for your posts - as I indicated on the other thread - my issue is not about ASD it is about behaviour - whether the child is in control of it or not.

I hear what has been said about offering a choice, but I dread that she will accept tbh! Her DS will not 'know' what the occasion is or what it is for, so this is really about how she will feel not the little one. There will be 10 children and 14 adults in our house in three weeks time, similar to last year. I can handle things like that, but I don't think she can because she naturally is looking out for what he is going to do.

I was actually going to suggest a tea for the four of us to celebrate together, either the day before or the day after.

yes.

Taking this in conjunction with the other thread, I would forget it tbh. I don't see this friendship continuing. I don't see the point of the tea either really.

I see no compassion from any of your posts what so ever and find it offending that you basically think asd = problem. Thank god my friends are lovely and understanding!
To say if you have an autistic child, is lumping children into a category. All children with autism are so different.

I don't think I understand your statement '...whether a child is in controll of it or not'
What do you mean?
Maybe you were never a friend to her in the first place, and better she finds this out before you hurt her any more.
You could be saying all this about me and my ds, fwiw, I would never talk to you ever again, or let you know my beautiful boy.

OOOH, I mean 'never talk to you again'.....

Oh and just for the record and autistic spectrum disorder, be it classic autism or Aspergers is a result of neurological difficulties. These children do not choose to be the way they are and often cannot control their behaviour/actions. It is sad to feel that there are people in society that discriminate because a child is different.
Infact I find it very sad

I don't have a child with ASD But if someone who I felt was a friend treated my dd(cp) in that way She would be shown the door.

My dd1 doesn't have autism but has learning disabilities and can be difficult to manage in large groups.

As her parent I know what she, and I, can manage. Some parties we accept. Others we don't.

Luckily I have friends who realise I am capable of making this decision and who accept dd1 for who she is.

Don't invite your 'friend' (note that I use the term loosely) if you don't want to but do it in the full knowledge that it is because you can't deal with her son's autism or her, very understandable, feelings and reactions to it. It is so that you don't feel uncomfortable. Please don't kid yourself otherwise.

i was in tears when dd wasn't invited to a party as "the house wans't safe" she was as well.

To be honest I think one of the most hurtful and damaging things you can do is presume that the child won't be aware or won't care about things. They are often far more aware of things than they are able to explain and whilst they may see things in a different perspective and may focus on different things, that doesn't mean it can be used as an excuse for not inviting them.
The child's mum will have a good idea of what he will be able to handle. And call me odd, but I thought that all parents who stayed at parties were primarily there to keep an eye on their children and see they settled ok.

One of dd's best friends has AS and we'd never dream of not inviting him to her parties. We'd understand completely if he didn't want to come, but imo, that's a choice for him and his parents to make. As it was, he did come and he didn't feel like joining in on the day, but he did his own thing in another room and dd kept popping in and out to make sure he was ok. He was quite happy with that.

Sad thing is that his mum said dd was his only true friend at school. She accepts him completely as he is and understands that how he sometimes behaves isn't personal. If he doesn't feel like playing, then that's ok. He's not trying to hurt her feelings. Ifhe does feel like playing, then that's brilliant. He prefers it when there's just the two of them. Crowds aren't his thing really, but dd was really pleased he accepted her invitation.

(i think TARTWITHAHEART needs a new name...it seems very inappropriate)

People like her are the reason that kids like mine get 1 or 2 invites a year...and they are to others who are 'like them'

this whole thread has upset me so much.

i was not going to post...but am making this 1 comment....and now running to get back in my box.