If you had an autistic child would you feel offended if he/she was not invited to a birthday party of a child you know

[TartWithAHeart]

Well would you?

I have posted on the other thread too but want to say here as well that it never ever cross my mind to not include a child with ASD when sending out party invites. My DS will be 5 in December and we are planning a party this year for him and all his new schoolfriends - everyone will get an invite. All children enjoy a party and all the fun that goes with it. I have met only a few of my son's classmates so far - one is in a wheelchair, one is on the AS, another child has speech and language probs. I wouldn't consider not inviting them - they are all in DS's class.

Would you exclude a child based upon them being in a wheelchair or consider that they wouldn't know what was going on? Children on the ASD can and do enjoy what's going on around them - some are harder to reach than others but it doesn't mean they should be excluded from the fun and games that other children take for granted or that they cannot enjoy a party.

Think you need to rethink this one.

As a mum who hasn't got a SN child, may I ask - feel free to burn me at the stake but...

Surely if you have an ASD child and were invited to a party, you would stay and not leave the inexperienced mum to "cope" (bad word...) with a child and condition she was inexperienced in living with?

I would most certainly invite a SN child to any party but I would like to know the regular parent/carer of said child would stay too, just incase something happened because I don't know what to do / how to deal with it...

how would you feel then, if your child is invited but you are asked to stay too... ?

LewisFan - depends on the child - some kids with ASD are very high functioning, or even sometimes very sociable, so would manage OK at a party without parents. I would want to stay at a party, because of DS communication problems. I think it's more diplomatic to offer a choice, ask whether the parents would feel more comfortable about staying but I think far better to invite with strong suggestion that parents should stay, than not to invite.

oh yes I realise it is a huge spectrum - there is a little boy in the class I volunteer in who is on the spectrum but from the outside looking in, it appears he "only" has concentration difficulties in lessons.

Others I have worked with need the same structure on the white board, countdown for it to get rubbed off and was rather violent (obviously not intentionally) and the school had to have strategies that when he kicked off, the other kids stand at the opposite end of the room (to avoid tables that are used as misiles!)

I would never just not invite a child - I would invite with open arms and then explain that I am ill-equipped to care for a severely ASD child and ask the parent to stay, if the child was coming.... leave it up to them - they know what the kids can deal with better than anyone

that all sounds perfectly fair and sensible

No parent of a severely autistic child is going to leave their child at a party. We spend our lives trying to make sure our children are safe. Outside the house ds1 has to have someone holding onto him the entire time (unless we're inside or on the middle of Dartoor). If I left him at a party in an unlocked room I'd worry that I'd return to find him knocked over outside. I just can't ever see it being an issue- especially with a severely autistic child. I think you would be more likely to have problems with a high functioning child who normally copes well but was suddenly out of their depth.

Message withdrawn

Every week this happens to ds1. Every child comes out with an invite, ds1 doesn't. I don't feel offended by it- I feel utterley shattered and heartbroken by hsi tears and complete inability to understand why its happened, again.

Oh and I Always attend things with ds1- so the issue of his behaviopur would be moot, if it ddeteriorates, he leaves.

Ds1 has cp and I know for a fact has not been invited to some parties. Trouble is you don't know whether the child is only allowed to invite so many or the whole class. It hurts, but only because I would worry if Ds had found out or heard the classmates talking about it and might get hurt. But quite frankly, if the parents had not invited Ds because he has cp, its their bloody loss and they have missed out the chance to get to know my lovely, sociable, friendly little boy.

TartWithAHeart............slipped up here havn't you.

I have had a long think about things overnight and this morning and glanced through some of the threads here.

The reason why I posted this was because I was struggling with an issue of whether to bring a potentially destructive child (regardless of ASD), with a mother who can't "control" that child's behaviour - and I use that word loosely here, into a situation where there will be a lot of people in my house (14 adults and 10 children actually). Last year things got broken, soil was emptied from plants all over the house, etc, etc - it was stressful - for me and for my friend.

But I AM going to invite them, because I love that little boy and I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings. F**K things getting broken, in the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter.

For those of you who have judged me as a bad person for asking the question in the first place - that's fine. I'm sure you are all saintly individuals who have never had a bad thought about anyone right? I was going through a thought process and was being honest about my feelings - that's all and have decided it would be utterly selfish not to invite them to our party.

TWAH - you asked the question. Not unreasonable to expect answers really...

I'm glad you have sorted it out .

Hope it all goes well.

If you really don't want him to come then you had better not invite him. But I agree with others that I think that is also you making a decision to end the friendship.

Otherwise give the mother a choice, explaining that you realise it could be more stressful than pleasurable for both of them. She may choose not to come. When Ds2 was littler and when to mainstream preschool I was impressed how generous other parents were and he got invited to lots of parties. I dreaded them all as I spent the whole time trying to keep him in order and also seeing hoards of other children who were developing normally and able to do all the things that he couldn't. However it meant a lot to me that they didn't exclude him.

Try to imagine what it must be like for your friend. To be told that her son has a lifelong condition that might mean that he can't communicate properly, make friends and survive in the real world. That he might not be able to work or get a job. That he may still need constant care when he's an adult. That may lead to him being bullied at school and excluded by other children. Then the day to day reality of coping with it - not being able to leave him alone because it's not safe, having to deal with terrible tantrums in public with everyone staring at you, still changing nappies at 5 or 6, being woken up several times a night etc. Imagine how you would feel if it happened to you. In the initial stages it's all you can think about and many people do need to talk. Try to be more understanding and listen, don't try and minimise the problems, explain how you feel too.

Sorry wrote this before I saw your last post. I would still say give the mother the choice - make it clear you won't be offended if she doesn't come without implying you would prefer her not to. Glad you have reached a positive decision.

Thanks - I just think that people can be so horrible to each other, and exclusive and stay in their little perfect groups, lead their perfect lives, think and say the "right" things. It sometimes feels as if there is no leeway to be yourself, have your own thoughts and be able to express them freely. And I realise that I was falling into the trap of being like that and I am not like that at all.

TWAH- on the MMR thread I linked to a video "autism every day'. Can I really recomend that you watch it. I think its a powerful film for really showing the situation your friend is in.

Hope all goes well at the party.

I really admire your honesty, i can understand how difficult it must have been for you to return to this thread.

I fully understand the reasons why you asked. I think you will find that given time your friend will cope with her son better. at this point it is still a learning curve for her as he is still really young.

I have given herthe invitation and said to her that if she feels she might need a quite place in the house at any time, I can take the computer out of the box room, and put some toys in here if it all gets too much for them - like a chill out zone - in fact the same can be said for the other kids too.

I have found this thread really interesting but not sure if I will be able to explain why.
I think when a child is diagnosed with autism that defines how 'outsiders' srr him and they think only in terms of acceptance - a mother should effectively accept it and move on.
But with autism you have this normal perfect regular average baby and you fall in love with them. No one warns you that things are not as they seem - you plan the usual stuff and spend your time looking forward to a lovely unspectacular time. The diagnosis, and the nervous anxious months before, are as if your beloved child is being taken away from you as if they are involved in a really slow car crash. Does that make sense.
It happened so quickly for me - ordinary to 'special' that I was reeling and obbsessed for months. And on top of this terrible, heartbreaking loss you suddenly have behaviours and problems to deal with that make ordinary life a faded memory. You are grieving and at the same time day to day life becomes intolerable.

I basicly cut all contact with most people for two years. When we all reemerged it was because I was over the shock and able to cope with 'real people' and their insensitivity.. my father who said I was making too much of it...my sisters who never sent DS a birthday present for three years because they didn't know what he would like.

I guess what I do now is ask people who think I am obsessed or uptight to imagine their beloved child has a bad car accident and losses all their skills and their ability to interact and their ability to cope with life. How long do they think it would take them to adjust to this 'new' child and their new life with its promise of no retirement and no respite until they die. I know that sounds harsh but it is a HUGE change and we all make it but not without being frankly a bit mad with grief for a while.

I wish this poor woman all the best. i am sure she will come through but she will need to find her strength and her hope inside herself - no one provides them.
Incidently the reciprocal bit made me laugh out loud. My dear sister who ignored me and son and told me to 'get over myself' still talks everyday about her breast cancer two years into remission. these issues tend to be at the front of our minds however boring and intense that is for the outside world

pagwatch- i was thinking what you said.

also people like TARTWITHAHEART may have to deal with 'disability' issues one day and face the discriminations etc...as noone ever knows what is round the corner.

i hope i am making sense....its just this thread reminded me of how isolated i am in my little 4 walls...surrounded by people who's children are always out playing...always invited to party's...and the parents who stand confidently at the school gates...not dreading what has happened that day at school...and not feeling looked on as a bad mum etc......

Nooooo ! A BIG Ooops - just read that back and it sounds like a judgement rather than an observation. I am trying to say that it really is one of those things that people who have never experienced really cannot understand without a huge leap in perspective....
One of my sisters persisted and after probably years of talking and being around DS she gets it. And having talked to her at length I also understand a bit better why it was so hard for her to get it.
(slinking off now for rambling on an already difficult thread...)

MisseeF
The isolation is the worst isn't it. And the memeories of the life you expected to lead. Just an ordinary life.

yes...and though i believe this thread was started without intent to cause upset...it just conffirms to me that what i think those other mums are saying at the school gates about our kids is what they are thinking.