Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

"ds1 is horrible mummy"

30 replies

Jimjams · 05/10/2004 16:15

so said ds2 when he had just been pinched (again!). This time he was pinched because ds1 had thrown a picture down the stairs smashing glass everywhere so I had to use the blue hoover that he hates to clean it up.

Soooooo a few of these comments have been starting- and I need to talk to ds2 about his brother as the opportunitites arise. He understands that he's not allowed to touch ds1's PECS cards as ds1 can't talk and he can. Thought I'd start tracking down books for young children as well. Any suggestions welcome.

OP posts:
Dingle · 05/10/2004 16:25

OOh Jimjams, it's such a hard situation!! Just had a look at my DownsEd resource book- nothing there really appropriate I'm afraid, only have 2 books aimed at children and they seem to both be about newborns with DS being born into a family. Will keep a look out on my travels though.
Good luck!

Original poster
Jimjams · 05/10/2004 16:29

Thanks Dingle! I need to browse the Jessica Kinglsey website this evening- I'm sure she'll have something. At the moment I'm just saying to him "ds1 doesn't understand it hurts- but you know it hurts don't you" to try and show there is a difference iykwim. Also trying to teach ds2 to give ds1 some space (he is a bit in his face at times).

OP posts:
snmum · 05/10/2004 16:35

hhhmmmm

we get this aswell, must say it is getting more apparent

i am very un PC and say he has to 'look after' dd >cringe< and he does understand that. I cant really go into detail as it confuses him too much

he has even started saying dd is a 'baby', dont know where he has got that from. It has even started making me have mixed emotions about having more children as I feel a bit sorry for him. gawd, i am going off at a tangent again

just wanted to say, you are not alone and it is hard!

tamum · 05/10/2004 17:03

I'm torn between admiration for ds2's speech and sadness for ds1. I found this which is aimed at siblings of children's with DS, but it might be a starting point for discussion?

snmum, if you are who I think you are, hello

Thomcat · 05/10/2004 17:06

oh blimey, not eay, not plesant.
Again, I can look through my DownsEd stiff but I think it will be aminly about siblings with DS. They might help though if you just substitute some words etc.

How about that book 'All kind of people'?

tamum · 05/10/2004 17:08

Views from our Shoes - some of this might be relevant?

snmum · 05/10/2004 17:08

hello tamum, what is it with you and janh? i reckon you are really my auntie's and some psychic power over me hehehehe

tamum · 05/10/2004 17:09

Doo do do do, do do do do......(that's meant to be the Twilight Zone music, not easy to convey in words....)

snmum · 05/10/2004 17:11
Grin
snmum · 05/10/2004 17:13

jimjams on a more serious note. i know my sibling had a different kind of special need but you do just 'grow up' with it and it does appear normal. i think for the parents it is more apparent from the children iykwim

I must say though i feel very alone now and wish i had her or another brother and sister, I think thats why i feel guilty about my ds thinking he will have no siblings apart from dd (who is gorgeous) but ykwim

blossomhill · 05/10/2004 17:22

Have you seen the book "My brother Sam". I have tried googling to find it but can't seem to find it - sorry. I have seem it in Kendrakes and I know a friend whose ds is autistic and she bought it for her other 2 sons. It explains autism in a very simplified way, lovely book. I have seen it in my library as well!

Original poster
Jimjams · 05/10/2004 18:05

thanks everyone. You are right snmum (and I've guessed as well- pleased you're still here ) DS2's idea of normality is pretty warped. DS1 can be screaming the place down and ds2 will look up calmly say "ds1 cry mummy" and then go back to whatever he was doing. Most of the time he doesn't even complain when pinched he just tells ds1 "pinching not nice ds1- stop it".

I guess its just a case of explaining to him slowly.

I just worry about number 3 though snmum- If this one ended up being severely autistic I would feel forever guilty about ds2!

OP posts:
blossomhill · 05/10/2004 18:07

snmum I thought so!!!!!!!!!

snmum · 05/10/2004 18:16

god tell me about it. Honestly I think you are very brave. i had a miscarriage (early) a few months back and I was releived but it has made me feel guilty in a way, that I should have more. maybe this is not the thread for it.

But, I do think even your next ds is autistic (which i hope he isnt) your ds will still grow up thinking it is normal. It will be 'normal' to him, he wont grow up warped! i havent

I spent my childhood in and out of hospitals, hospital appointments etc living with illness. life was on a knife-edge. But it was normal. i am not professing it is the same as a developmental problem but it does just seem normal when you grow up with it. Yes, i use to feel embarassed sometimes as i used to have to ask my friends if they had colds before they cam round, which when you are 13 is not fun! But i have never resented it. i miss my sibling dearly, but this wont happen to your ds, I am sure he will have othe issues. but with a mum and dad like you, i am sure he will grow into a very well rounded induvidual. You will have no fear of that

coppertop · 05/10/2004 18:20

A book I'm reading mentions a book for siblings but it's aimed for 4yrs+. I don't know if you could maybe 'adapt' it slightly?

"My brother is different" by Louise Gorrod

Just googled and it's also mentioned on the NAS site.

Welcome back, snmum. And have I just seen hmb lurking too?

Original poster
Jimjams · 05/10/2004 18:22

aw thanks snmum. The same will be true of your ds too- I do think that siblings learn a lot from having a SN sibling.....

OP posts:
Davros · 05/10/2004 20:03

Me and my older sister had a weird upbringing with the middle sister having AS. It was not realised that she had any SN but we found our (non) relationships with her very strange, her aggression scary and our parents attitude to her extremely hard to take (she was the absolute favourite, could do no wrong, perfect blah blah). I think there's lots of books dealing with this issue but there must be lots of RL experiences on MN too?
SNmum, you newbie

Caroline5 · 05/10/2004 22:12

Hi snmum - glad I've finally spotted you!

We have this the other way round, with NT dd1 and SN dd2, which I think is perhaps a bit easier. dd2 has just remained the 'baby' as far as dd1 is concerned and this seems quite normal for her. She certainly never seems to have any issues with the way things are. We were given a book on this a while back - not sure how helpful it was, will try to dig it out jimjams.

Original poster
Jimjams · 05/10/2004 23:15

I worry (well not worry but think) about how ds2 will interpret our reactions to ds1. I do find myself telling ds2 a lot that ds1 "doesn't understand", because although we don't tolerate bad behaviour from ds1 we do give him leeway on compulsions etc- and we do have to deal with the behavioural issues differently (although I use a lot of ABA with ds2 as well ). Mind you I guess that ds1's problems are so obvious that maybe it won't be an issue at all.

OP posts:
jmb1964 · 05/10/2004 23:36

Does it help fi ds2 meets and talks about other children like ds1 as well? I'm sure you know loads - our dd1 (admittedly much older at 8) seems to have reached a far better understanding of ds1 by meeting some of the other boys who go to his lunch club at school. She talks airily about them 'having problems..' and is incredibly helpful there apparently.
Agree with what others have said about how children easily adapt to things as normal - our younger ones have the same skills at understatemnt. Ds1 can be shouting his head off and stimming all over the place and ds2 just says 'P at bit cwoss' and sometime boldly goes over and offers him a car to play with, just showing off a bit of empathy to reassure me

snmum · 06/10/2004 07:31

how come everyone knew who i was? thanks for the hello's

I was thinking about this last night too jimjams. My ds also says 'dd is naughty mummy' alot, usually over thomas the tank enginge, he wants to 'play nice' and she runs over and wrecks the track and throws various engines accross the lounge floor (that kind of thing!). I am hoping as he gets a bit older he will actually realise that she cant help herself. Like you say, we have to give into her a bit easier because it is a very situation. i feel I am alot stricter with ds, and i do worry sometimes i am being a bit hard on him. Sorry for waffling on again!

Original poster
Jimjams · 06/10/2004 09:37

Ah I've had "ds1 is naughty mummy" this morning. So I aksed him why he thought that- and pointed out that ds1 was being very good and eating his breakfast nicely- but he then just started saying the cat is naughty, and that he (ds2) is a good boy.

It does help to talk about the others as well jmb but most are older and far more verbal so I'm not sure he would understand the similarities yet. His "best" friend has an autistic sister and we think that ds2 and his friend will be good support for each other as they grow up- both will have completely insane siblings!

OP posts:
blossomhill · 06/10/2004 11:29

My ds is very understanding and knows all about dd's difficulties. It all came to ahead one day when ds was asking dd something and she kept coming out with a strange reply. Ds shouted at dd "why do you always say that, saying it wrong". Ds was 5 at this stage and although we had touched on that dd had problems with talking we had always left it at that. So this day I just sat down and explained that dd sometimes had a problem with understanding things and how lucky he was that he didn't have these problems. Even though dd is 4 emotionally she is still like a 3 year old. That was it! He is mature anyway but he completely understood and apparently went in and explained to all of his friends at school. Infact even the way he spoke to her was different. he started simplifying the things he said and they are great together. Dd worships the ground he walks on and is very lucky to have such a good brother. Equally ds is lucky to have dd. We also go to a special needs support group in the holidays and ds is great around other sn kids. It does help that his school has a hearing impaired unit and he has 2 deaf friends in his class.

heartinthecountry · 06/10/2004 15:36

Wish I had some suggestions Jimjams, but just wanted to say I am sure you will do a really good job at explaining things to ds2.

snmum - I knew it was you too!

Caroline5 · 07/10/2004 16:16

Your ds sounds fantastic, blossomhill!