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Original poster

Oh no, here we go again. Please help Aloha with her school-related gloom.

75 replies

aloha · 06/09/2007 13:36

New term, new start, I think, despite feeling v anxious after disastrous end to last term (ds, 5, Aspergers is out of the class more than in, constantly in head's office etc etc). Also gloomy because got turned down for assessment for statement.

Anyway, school has provided 1-1 help for ds and teacher seems friendly and smiley.

We are now two days in (ok, 2.5days) and we are taking ds home for lunch as lunchtimes were a flashpoint last term and we were told the school couldn't cope with him.
Today I take him back just before 1pm, children still in playground. Good news: His best friend rushes up and they have a tussly boyish cuddle and then hold hands for a bit. A couple of other children also run up to say hello. HOWEVER, bad news, at least four children, surrounded by others, run up to me to tell me, all excited and gleeful, 'Ooh are you ds's mum? He's on a warning!' and 'Ds is on the red traffic light already!'
FFS some of these kids aren't even in his class!
We have a home/school book which is generally positive, though full of incidents of ds calling out at carpet time and being unable to resist the laptop/whiteboard combo (which I warned them about last term), and stuff.
Also, he's been taken out of the classroom more than once every day so far (!) and also yesterday we were asked to collect him early as he was running out of the classroom, refusing to go back in and saying he was tired. I had to get him from the school office where he'd been from about 2.30 and he only went back at 1pm.
The head called me at home to collect him, though kept saying 'you don't have to, but he is very tired' etc which made me feel as if I had no choice unless I was going to look like bitch-mummy from hell.
I just don't know what to do. Apparently the ed psych is coming to see him in two weeks, I've got an appointment with his paed and teh local LEA autism support woman is coming in (though she is utterly and totally useless).
What on earth can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
aloha · 06/09/2007 13:36

I have a big lump in my throat tbh. I nearly cried on the way home.

OP posts:
elliott · 06/09/2007 13:40

Sorry you're having a hard time, and I wouldn't presume to offer advice, but it seems to me they are really taking advantage of your availability to keep asking you to take him out of school. That isn't helping is it, and it is such a cop out - means they don't even have to try to solve things. And what if you were actually unavailable (at work) - what would they do then?

Original poster
aloha · 06/09/2007 13:42

I know, I keep thinking that. They know that dh and I are both at home. It's a total PIA as well. I was having a lovely time in the park with dd and was going to meet another family for lunch but had to get back for ds.

OP posts:
unicorn · 06/09/2007 13:43

everyone on the Dr Tanya Byron thread aloha, so don't despair about lack of replies at the moment.

I doubt if I will be any help, but it is only day 2 of new term, so most kids sn or not will take time to settle back into routine again, so surely the school can accept this?

Have you looked at alternative schools, as there may be one better suited to your ds? One of the mums from my kids primary is much happier as she found a school that deals with SN much much better.

Am sure someone with more solid advice will be over soon.

motherinferior · 06/09/2007 13:45

Aloha, darling, I've come out of MN-purdah to post. And I'm trying and trying to have constructive ideas and I can't think of anything because you've talked to everyone. And I'm OUTRAGED at the school, I really am.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:45

so, they are dealing with his special needs by ..... not really dealing with it, and calling you instead?

Not Good Enough. Good God, calling out at carpet time? And they are making an issue about this? What would they do if he was actually naughty, go to DEFCON 1?

They need to learn to deal with him. Put your hard nose on. This isn't about being bitch mummy from Hell, this is about being bitch MOTHER from hell, and insisting they meet his needs.

In my Rantastic opinionl.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:46

so, they are dealing with his special needs by ..... not really dealing with it, and calling you instead?

Not Good Enough. Good God, calling out at carpet time? And they are making an issue about this? What would they do if he was actually naughty, go to DEFCON 1?

They need to learn to deal with him. Put your hard nose on. This isn't about being bitch mummy from Hell, this is about being bitch MOTHER from hell, and insisting they meet his needs.

In my Rantastic opinionl.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:46

so, they are dealing with his special needs by ..... not really dealing with it, and calling you instead?

Not Good Enough. Good God, calling out at carpet time? And they are making an issue about this? What would they do if he was actually naughty, go to DEFCON 1?

They need to learn to deal with him. Put your hard nose on. This isn't about being bitch mummy from Hell, this is about being bitch MOTHER from hell, and insisting they meet his needs.

In my Rantastic opinionl.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:46

so, they are dealing with his special needs by ..... not really dealing with it, and calling you instead?

Not Good Enough. Good God, calling out at carpet time? And they are making an issue about this? What would they do if he was actually naughty, go to DEFCON 1?

They need to learn to deal with him. Put your hard nose on. This isn't about being bitch mummy from Hell, this is about being bitch MOTHER from hell, and insisting they meet his needs.

In my Rantastic opinionl.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:46

so, they are dealing with his special needs by ..... not really dealing with it, and calling you instead?

Not Good Enough. Good God, calling out at carpet time? And they are making an issue about this? What would they do if he was actually naughty, go to DEFCON 1?

They need to learn to deal with him. Put your hard nose on. This isn't about being bitch mummy from Hell, this is about being bitch MOTHER from hell, and insisting they meet his needs.

In my Rantastic opinionl.

Saker · 06/09/2007 13:47

Oh Aloha, I am sorry you are having such a hard time with the school - it's just awful having to send them anywhere where you feel they are not properly understood or respected. It just seems like they don't get it and see punishment or threats as punishment as the solution rather than trying to understand what the cause of his actions is. What's the 1:1 like -is she with him most of the time and are these incidents even occurring when she is?

Will you be attending with the ed psych? I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to try and speak to the ed pysch and put forward your concerns before he/she goes to the school. It's possible that the school may try and put across a quite one-sided view and it would be good to get an independent view of what is actually going on. I would still be inclined to think about alternative schools though.

elliott · 06/09/2007 13:47

Plus, if they have one to one, why do you have to be called to get him all the time (or even take him home for lunch?) surely his support could be doing something with him even if not in the class?
I don't know, as I said I can't really advise as no expert on aspergers (though your ds actually sounds to have been more successful at making friends than my rather oddball introvert ds1!) - but the school just doesn't sound right to me. Though I appreciate the lack of available alternatives.

EscapeFrom · 06/09/2007 13:48

The FuckeryBugs are out in force, skully.

bundle · 06/09/2007 13:48

aloha

I too feel terribly useless, in that I can't offer anything concrete and even my sympathy/best wishes are over the river in norf london, xxxxx

elliott · 06/09/2007 13:52

Could you try being much tougher with them about keeping him at school? Though probably heart wrenching if you think he is miserable, but it might force an issue. I mean they can't just expect to offload him to you every time there is a small problem?

btw are they harridans of discipline with other children - at ds1s school I am not aware of any traffic light system or other issue and I know there are behaviourally challenging kids in ds1's class - but it seems to be dealt with in a very non-stigmatising way.

interstellar · 06/09/2007 13:53

Sorry,have nothing constructive to add,only that i am going thro just the same in another part of london with my 8yr old.I nearly crashed the car because i was miles away thinking of him on my way to work this am.We too had a disasterous start back yesterday,last yr was so so awful,even the school say he is 'becoming psychologically damaged@ by being there ,all he wants is a new school,but ,no spaces....Feel sick for the whole day,feel like i am letting my lovely boy down big time,and feel almost paralysed by it all as to what to do next...so ,no help to offer,but, sympathy and empathy in bucketfuls from east london.

TellusMater · 06/09/2007 13:57

Aloha, what strategies do they have in place to deal with these issues (besides asking you to collect him of course)?

What have they identified as his main targets and how are they supporting him with them?

I don't know how efficient they are with all the paperwork and it really does matter, because if you want statutory assessment, you have to really show that you have exhausted the School Action stuff. At least you do in secondary. And informal talking about things cuts very little ice. It has to be formalised.

Is this traffic light system for him or is it general? And is it appropriate? It isn't working by the sounds of things...

I sound really bossy I know. Sorry.

SofiaAmes · 06/09/2007 13:58

Aloha, you have got to get him a statement. As I've mentioned before, my ds has a good friend who is Aspergers and is in a mainstream school. He has a full time aide during school hours. It is completely unrealistic for the school to expect your ds to function in a mainstream setting without an aide. And you are enabling their incompetence. You need to put in writing that you should not be called to pick up ds and that it is inappropriate to be sending a sn child to the head's office when the teacher can't cope. Understandable that the teacher can't deal with it on his/her own because there is the rest of the class, so they must get a statement and appropriate help for your ds.

Peachy · 06/09/2007 13:59

'of incidents of ds calling out at carpet time and being unable to resist the laptop/whiteboard combo (which I warned them about last term), and stuff. '

part of being AS- I would simply write repeatedly after these type of comments, 'you will find good information about AS on the NAS website at.....'.

We're gettinga bit of repsite atm because 2 new kids in the class to be a novelty but cant wait for the mrs peach mrs Peach do you know what DS1 did any day now....

I think how they are responding could well constitute disability discrimination, as repeatedly removing him from the class for AS characteristic behaviours is rpeventing him getting an education. Is there an SN advocacy service down your way who could advise you on that? After all, access for all kids to an education regardless of disability is a human right (and a proper one too, not a made up one about TV's in prison cells lol )

I would also approach the head (can you tell how much they lurve meat the school? sure I am the reason for her early retirement- well I hope so) and say that as there is a chance however slight that the ability to obtain the reward of returning home could be causing or exaccerbating ds's behaviours, you will from now on NOT be collecting him outside of normsl times. Should they feel they need to exclude him thats their choice... at which point you re-apply for that statemnt of course!

(not adviocating anyting I wuldnt do, am refusing to go into school to change ds3's nappies which int covered in hsi statement)

Peachy · 06/09/2007 14:00

Might be wrong, thought Aloha ewas refised assessment?

thomcat · 06/09/2007 14:01

Oh mate

First off, don't dispair.
Right - secondly - make sure you have a bottle of wine in.
Thirdly - re apply for statement. The feckers always turn people down first time round. It's to weed out the ones they think will give up easily, and you're not one of them so get back in teh ring nate. Re-apply.
Then you have a meeting with school and you ask why other children not in his class are talking about warnings and red traffic lights?
Then you ask them to come up with a plan for lunchtimes as he'll never learn if you have to keep coming and picking him up and it's jyust not practical. It's basically just not good enough and too easy an option for them.
Lastly, him seeming tired is not a reason for him to have to leave school early. he may well be more tired than some children due to the extra effort that it takes him to focus or whatever, but perhaps when he gets tired his 1-2-1 help take shim aside and does quiet reading time with him.

Keep talking. I have to do a bit of work but will keep coming back to chat.

Love you. hold on, don't get upset. It WILL all be ok in the end.

TellusMater · 06/09/2007 14:03

I know it was refused. And I think something was said about needing to see if new things put in place worked. Which is why I say everything must be documented.

Peachy · 06/09/2007 14:04

I agree about documenting everything- also would suggest photocopying hme-school book as ours was mysteriously lost at school when we applied for the statement....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2007 14:08

Aloha

This is for you:-
((((aloha))))))

As for the children who came running out saying things about your son being on the red traffic light already.....

Time to get tough now.

I would meet with the LEA and discuss why the statement request was turned down. Failing that, if you cannot face meeting them (which I can well understand having met with LEA employees myself) then I would appeal their crass decision to refuse the statement as a matter of course.

Get IPSEA on board as well as the NAS you need outside support. Also SOS;SEN could well help too.

If you get the statement you can name the school. The school your DS attends is failing him big time and they will continue to not cope with his needs. Bless him he's only five, you need to also look longer term because some junior schools are unable to cope with AS children as well. I would also certainly look into finding another infants school for him, somewhere that is more understanding.

Do speak to the paed asap; talk to this person about statementing your son. The paed could also write a strongly worded letter to the LEA supporting the statement application.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2007 14:10

I would also tackle the school re other children coming out and telling you things about your son's behaviour.