Deciding whether to have a second child when your first has autism?

[Sunny4124]

Hi All,

DD is 3.2 (undiagnosed as yet, with severe speech delay and sensory seeking behaviours), and we are weighing up whether to have a second child! I really want one, but DD is an absolute handful (sleep, behaviour, etc) and we are knackered! (She’s also an absolute joy to be fair!). Ideally I’d rather leave it longer, but it’s a bit now or never for a (biological) child due to my age. Opinions and experiences please! (Did you have a second child? Did you decide not to? Did your second have ASD or not? How did that work out for you?)
Such a life changing decision and just feel like I need all the facts/ experiences before we decide. Thanks so much! :-) x

Hi there!

There was a thread on this fairly recently - I'll try to dig out a link (unless it was on Chat, in which case it may have disappeared!)

DD is 5 and autistic. She's not too hard to parent as she's more of a sensory avoider than a sensory seeker - but obviously it takes a bit more time re: anxiety, preparing her for changes, etc. and a lot more time just agonising over decisions like schools .

DS is 2. I think he's probably NT though he is quite speech delayed (which DD wasn't ... so if he is autistic he's a very different kettle of fish to DD and it will be kind of like starting from scratch I think!) He's the risk taker and explorer in the family (DD is very cautious) so more of a handful than DD at the same age.

There are lots of things to think about and people's views are very much coloured by their own experiences. In our case I'm very glad we had DS but we didn't know DD was autistic when we decided to try for a second. We were already seeing Physio, SLT and Paediatrics with DD when we conceived DS, but we weren't told she was probably autistic until he was 10 days old (that was a memorable day!! Can't say I was in the best frame of mind to absorb the news...)

Our family feels really nice and we have a lot of fun. The kids play really nicely together (most of the time ... obviously we also have our share of snatching and shoving on both sides) and are very fond of each other which is lovely to see. They will often disappear off to say goodnight to each other or have a cuddle at bed time. This morning I took DS on the school run and DD loved taking him into the classroom to show him everything and introduce him to her teachers. She was going round the playground introducing him to the other kids ... it was very cute!

If you want some other perspectives you could also try YouTube.

• Purple Ella is autistic and has 3 children, of whom the oldest and youngest are autistic and the middle one is NT. www.youtube.com/channel/UCzske-KMAJYQn84rz6oD_yA
• Vincentville have 2 sons, both autistic I think - though quite different to each other. Both very cute! They are in the US so the stuff on services etc. will be less relevant.

www.youtube.com/channel/UCUhOwXPRcVDIM_6sElDjXVA

• Nurturing Neurodiversity has only recently started posting often but I think she's brilliant. Her older son has a diagnosis. Her younger son is speech delayed, but it looks like it's probably just a speech delay and not autism. www.youtube.com/channel/UCYMO-0EyM0hcWL_KTl7HQjw
• Our Landing Crew has about 6 children, a mix of autistic and neurotypical and all very different. I'm pretty sure she has videos on her decision to have more!

www.youtube.com/channel/UCQU1zvNELO2AatGXMRQ2bSw

YouTube has removed the ability to comment on pretty much any videos with children in, but at least Purple Ella and Vincentville also have active Instagram accounts where they often reply to questions and chat with viewers.

Here is the link to the previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3577193-Having-baby-no-2-when-your-first-as-ASD

Sorry about the last two - posted on the wrong thread!

It didnt occur to me not to, even though I suspected something was up with my eldest, but he wasnt diagnosed. I have three children now who all have autism, and ive now discovered I have it. I strongly suspect dp does too, so none of us ever stood a chance

Its fine, we are all fine. Dealing with the school system for aspie and autie kids is a bit of a nightmare though, but yknow, its not actually law that they have to do that, and I think the world is a better place for having my kids in it. I know a lot of non autistic kids who are arseholes, and a lot of fabulous autistic people, but of course it is still a disability in many ways, but if you want more kids, I wouldnt let the thought that they might be autistic put you off necessarily

Hi LightTripper,

You’ve commented on a couple of my posts and I’m always particularly interested as you tend to hear lots more about autistic boys rather than girls don’t you :-) Go the girls :-)

So interesting that your NT son is more of a handful than your daughter was at that age :-)

We weren't told she was probably autistic until he was 10 days old
^Oh my word, crazy timing! Flipping heck :-)

Your family dynamic sounds absolutely lovely! They obviously totally adore each other, so cute! Aww :-)

I’ll give those YouTube channels a try, thank you :-) x

Hi Branleuse,

It didn’t occur to me not to
^I’m considering whether I’m overthinking this :-)

I think the world is a better place for having my kids in it
LOVE love love this! You’re obviously super happy and have a lovely family :-)

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience :-) x

ha, ha, ha...

two autistic children, was contemplating a third... but at that point I did not know either were autistic or how it would all pan out.

we found out dc2 was autistic 6 years before finding out dc1 was autistic.

they are very different.

Both mine have autism. We didn't realise DC1 had autism until DC2 was already born, so it didn't affect my decision to have a 2nd child.

Both mine are very different too (1 boy, 1 girl). In fact so different I was sure DC2 didn't have autism, as he was soooo different from DC1. I was wrong

Hi BlackeyedGruesome

Thanks so much for sharing!
Can I ask how you find it?
How do they get on?

Thanks :-) x

Hi LucidDream

Thank you!
In a way I wish I’d just got pregnant before I’d known, to stop this dilemma!

How do you find it with two? Do they get on?

Thanks :-) x

Mine are all different too and mine mostly get on. Im not saying its not very difficult at times, but I dont get the option to have anything other than the kids I make, and I wouldnt anyway if I could choose, and im still confident that all of mine will either be able to live independently or semi independently and have relationships if thats what they want and have fulfilling lives. Id also try and make sure you have a support network around you with autism positive people in it

I just dont want anyone to think its a moral issue. You are the only one that can decide if you can manage another kid with more complicated needs, and having a NT child doesnt guarantee there wont be difficult issues, and many autistic kids are actually pretty straightforward and cool once you stop trying to train them to be NT, as that is of course setting them up to fail

Sunny4124 they don't have much in common due to their age gap, which is accentuated due to DC2 being quite delayed (he's 5 but more like a 3 year old).

But they tolerate each other.

Having 2 is stressful, not because of their difficulties, but because of going through the diagnostic process twice, the EHCP process twice, dealing with 2 schools. This is the bit I find stressful.

Oh and double the amount of appointments and meetings. I am so sick of meetings.

I think parenting autistic kids does take over your whole life in a different way to parenting neurotypical kids (from what I can see). I think its more intense and there are more appointments and stuff, and obviously youve probably got more susceptability to having other co-existing issues to deal with too, especially if they also have a learning difficulty or behavioural challenges, but these things arent a part of autism as such, and i know loads of autistic people who are/were easy peasy kids.
I think its wise to prepare yourself, and consider whether you can manage it and be realistic about it, but I dont think its helpful to think its just going to be negative, because it isnt. Sometimes you just have to look at things differently

how they get on?

when they were small, ds used to attack dd. they had to be kept apart until he had eaten breakfast. even now in the morning they are kept apart at critical moments, especially going in and out the front door.

there was the time that ds was locked in the flat while dd was locked out in the foyer as it was not safe for her to come in at that point until his meltdown had subsided. she was posted a library book, a banana and a carton of drink through the letter box. that was only once but extrememly memorable.

ds used to wallop her in the car. strategies were put in place to minimise the risk. (feed him, exercise, time to calm down after school before driving home) but one still can not control school.

It is hard work. not so much now they are gaining independence but that comes with it's own stresses.

Thanks Branleuse

Ah good news that they get on :-)

I hear you about the positive support network, I think it’s vital. Whilst our friends and family have been absolutely amazing, at the moment we don’t know anyone with autistic kids (Because we are quite early on in the process I guess?!) and I think it’d really help both me and DP (and actually DD too) to also make friends in a similar situation to us who understand.

I think it comes down to us deciding whether we could cope with another child, NT or not, as well as DD. Like I said, we are pretty knackered, and I guess a benefit of just having one is you can sort of tag team a bit and have a bit of time to yourself sometimes, which is important I think :-)

I think parenting autistic kids does take over your whole life in a different way to parenting neurotypical kids (from what I can see)
^Yep, I’m starting to see this already too - not due to DD but due to the appointments! Between NHS SALT, private SALT, OT, Portage, hearing tests etc. And all the paperwork. And both of us working full time. Sheesh!

And I totally agree about not being negative, I’m going into everything with an open mind! It’s more about getting opinions and experiences really, thanks :-) x

LucidDream
Thank you :-)

Having 2 is stressful, not because of their difficulties, but because of going through the diagnostic process twice, the EHCP process twice, dealing with 2 schools
Yes I can imagine. Like I said above, it’s super busy already and she’s only 3 - between Portage, OT, SALT x 2, and paperwork. Luckily nursery have been AMAZING and helped us with a lot of that stuff (applications etc) and equally my boss has been very flexible (I work full time, as does DP). Life is very very busy for us! But, I’d STILL love to have another one :-) x

Thanks BlackeyedGruesome

Ohh it does sound stressful! Glad it’s got a bit better now. Thanks for your point of view :-) x

I have two with asd. Ds was diagnosed around the time I became pregnant with dd. In all honesty I craved a child I could connect with more easily and I was devastated when I discovered dd also had autism. My son is very severely affected and taking care of him, advocating for him etc has been exhausting and a real challenge at times. My dd's autism is less severe although she still needs a lot of care and support. She is however more socially aware and more verbal and she brings me a lot of joy. I don't regret having a second child although I think if she had been as severely affected as my son the demands would have broken me. It is a very hard decision to make.

Hi cansu

Thanks for sharing your story :-)
It’s such a hard decision isn’t it, I’m literally stuck! I really want her to have a sibling, and I really want another child myself, but then our lives are already crazy with appointments and lack of sleep! I think it doesn’t help that I don’t know how she’ll be in a couple of years time, so can’t visualise how much support she’ll need.

I craved a child I could connect with more easily and I was devastated when I discovered dd also had autism
I totally get this! I do feel like I really connect with my daughter, but I also feel, if I’m being honest, that I’m not getting the typical parenting experience (god, that sounds selfish, but you know what I mean!). I am devastated that I can’t have a conversation with her (although hoping she’ll develop language in the future).

Can I ask how your DS and DD get on with each other? Thanks! x

They tend to kind of ignore each other if I am honest. I know exactly what you mean about missing out. I do still wish that I could have a proper conversation with my children. My son is completely non verbal but my dd can understand some language and communicate on a basic level. I obviously love my children and would do anything for them but it isn't the same as my friends with NT children. Maybe it's different if your child with ASD can communicate better, I don't know. By the way I don't think you sound selfish at all. I think its a completely natural feeling to have and I am starting not to be more open and feel less guilty about feeling like this.

I'm in the exact same position as you OP. I'm 39 this year, my son is likely to be diagnosed with autism shortly. I feel like the main reason for having another one would be to (hopefully) have a "normal" parenting experience with an NT child if I'm honest, and it's a big risk to take.