Deciding whether to have a second child when your first has autism?

[Sunny4124]

Hi All,

DD is 3.2 (undiagnosed as yet, with severe speech delay and sensory seeking behaviours), and we are weighing up whether to have a second child! I really want one, but DD is an absolute handful (sleep, behaviour, etc) and we are knackered! (She’s also an absolute joy to be fair!). Ideally I’d rather leave it longer, but it’s a bit now or never for a (biological) child due to my age. Opinions and experiences please! (Did you have a second child? Did you decide not to? Did your second have ASD or not? How did that work out for you?)
Such a life changing decision and just feel like I need all the facts/ experiences before we decide. Thanks so much! :-) x

Hi cansu,

Thanks for sharing your experience :-) Yes, I understand. It’s hard. I’ve made a pact with myself though to see things in a more positive light! Whilst I’m gutted I can’t have a full on conversation with her (she’s still non verbal, although is starting to use PECS which has been amazing for us), we do have so much fun together and she brings sooo much joy to me and my partner :-) Yes I’m not having the typical parenting experience, but, being her Mummy is awesome. I’m trying to focus on what she can do, rather than what she can’t. It is hard though when you see other parents having full on conversations with their children.

They tend to kind of ignore each other if I am honest
This is how I can see her being (at the moment) if she were to have a sibling. I’m wondering if when she’s a bit older though whether that’d improve.

Thanks for sharing, good luck with your lovely children :-) x

Hi hilbil21

Argh it’s hard isn’t it! I’m a little bit older than that. I’d love to wait a few more years to see how things develop (and how much support she needs when she’s a bit older) but I just can’t afford to do that.

You’re right, it’s a massive risk isn’t it, and you hear all of these stats and don’t know what to believe. I am seriously torn, as is DP!

What do you think you’ll end up doing, or are you still undecided? My instinct is to sort of just go for it.... X

My husband and I are debating this on a daily basis at the moment, we go back and forth every day but I think hormones will win out eventually!

Our son will be 6 in July and has ASD, he's non-verbal (well, emerging speech now with one word requests) and I am scared of how another child will affect him but overall feel it could only be good for him to have another child around, another person to love. He doesn't see many kids expect at school, the park etc.

I totally get the fear and the indecision, I hope you can make a choice you're happy with. Thanks to the others for sharing your stories!

Apupachi, thats great that your son is starting to use words and understanding communication. You must be so happy!

@Sunny4124 I'm going to give myself to the end of next year. I'm bridesmaid for my friend November 2020 and am going to decide what to do once and for all after that. I must admit though, that if someone said I had to decide today once and for all, I think the answer would be no more kids x

Hi apapuchi

Literally we go back and forth all the time too :-)

I think hormones will win out eventually!
Same here :-)

Ah you must be so thrilled with the one word requests :-) Best of luck to you and your son and his language development!

overall feel it could only be good for him to have another child around, another person to love
This is where I sort of get to in the end. I love the idea of her having a sibling through life. I think the thing I’m worried about is that we both work full time, so, having less time to solely focus on my daughter and how that would impact her - but I sort of feel the benefits probably outweigh that!

I hope you can make a choice you're happy with
Thank you, same to you :-) x

hilbil21

Totally understand the time limit. We’ve said we’ll decide by this Christmas. I guess in a year and a half you might have a clearer picture of how your son is getting on, how much support he’s getting etc.

I think if someone said to me I need to decide today I’d say to have another one. But, I/ we do go back and forth. (I’ve just asked DP the same question, i.e. if he had to answer today - and he said to stick with one - but I think he could be persuaded). Who knows!

Best of luck with your family, whatever you decide :-) x

Sunny I went through this. We delayed having a second child because we didn't know what to do. I was 36 when DS1 was born with a plan to have another baby a couple of years later. DS1 had difficulty reaching a couple of milestones and I suspected ASD. Hubby and I both wanted another child but I started having doubts. By this time I was 40. I'm a natural worrier compared to DH. We had difficult conversations. Eventually agreed to try for 9 months and see. I immediately got pregnant and had DS2 age 41.5 yrs. He was a totally different baby. Fun and engaging. Met his milestones and no speech delay. Guess what? He also has ASD. They are now 16 and almost 11 and we are still intact as a family. Of course there are plenty of challenging moments and it hasn't been easy by any means, but that is our experience. Best of luck in whichever you decide!

Hi vikingwoman

Thanks so much for sharing your experience! It’s so hard isn’t it, we go back and forth on it, but I would really love her to have a sibling. And my hormones have gone crazy and I’m really broody! Lots of love to your family :-) x

Keep us posted if you can Sunny. Hugs xx

vikingwoman thanks! And hugs back! :-) x

Obviously I can only speak from personal experience but

I have 3 ds
Ds 1 has autism/adhd/spd
We had ds 2 whenever ds1 was 2. At this point we had no idea about ds1. Being our first we had no comparison.
I was already pregnant with ds3 when it became apparent that there were issues with ds1 (now age 7 ) ds1 was finally diagnosed with hfa when ds3 was 1week old

Tbh if we had known about ds1 earlier we ( dh & I) agree we wouldn’t have had ds3

BUT we are glad we didn’t know as ds3 has had a surprisingly positive effect on ds1 (and ds2, ) he loves him to bits and is extremely defensive and protective of him etc, and overall having sibling has definately had a positive effect on ds1

Hi @Sunny4124 I was just reading through your thread and I am in a very similar position to you when you wrote this. Would be great to hear how you are getting on. Thanks