Not coping with dd1 being disabled

[heartinthecountry]

Really hoping that someone else out there understands this or I am going to sound like a real bitch. Have hesitated about posting but I am really not coping at the moment. Sorry this might be long.

Ever since dd2 was born (nearly a year ago) I have been really struggling with dd1 in lots of ways. Partly due to her behaviour and partly due to my own feelings.

Basically I have begun to really resent her disability. I never used to feel like that. I used to feel that it was who she was and if she was different then so what? Now I hate the fact that she can't walk unassisted and I have to physically help her with everything. I hate the fact that I can't really play with her because her concentration span is about 2 seconds and she just doesn't have the play skills. I hate the fact that she can't really occupy herself at all. I hate the fact that every time I ask her a question I have to ask it about 5 times to ensure that the yes or no answer she has given me is the one she actually means because often she says yes but means no or visa versa. I hate the fact I have to ask her to do everything 10 times and even then she often won't do it (things she is totally capable of but chooses not to do). I hate it that she has started shrieking at the top of her voice whenever she doesn't get her own way/is bored. Most of all I hate the fact that she spends her whole time hitting or pushing over her little sister.

Basically I have become really resentful of the fact that she is disabled and that I am never going to have a 'normal' family life.

I think part of the problem with having dd2 has been that I have realised for the first time just how different dd1 is and how much I have missed out on. dd2 is just easy and everything about dd1 at the moment is just hard.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it either. Everyone is always telling me how lovely dd1 is and how well she is doing. I feel like they don't hear me when I say that I am struggling.

Sorry this is long and I don't feel I have really explained myself properly. I love dd1 but I just don't want to be with her at the moment. Am I awful? I feel like I have let her down very badly by not being a more understanding mum.

Hi Pages, Hi Fio

dd2 is nearly one can you believe! She is quite a feisty little thing so yes, I think she will start retaliating. Whether that will make things better or not I'm not sure....

How did you go about finding a counsellor? We can't afford much but I don't want to go back to an NHS one.

Thanks for thinking of me. I know I have been really out of touch. The past year has been tough really and I've had so little time or energy for anything. Is your email address still the same?

HITC, don't have much time right now but sorry to hear about this.... but pleased you are bringing it up and facing it. I DO know how you feel, I've never felt "relaxed" about DS's disability, he isn't just different he is MUCH harder ..... and I do love him. There have been times when I've really hated him, and not just moments or flashes. I think it is a sign to you to do both of the things already suggested

• look into Counselling although it may not be for you
• think again about how you are using your DPs, things change and sometimes other arrangements work better. Also, let your Soc Worker know how things are, whether it produces more support now or not ALSO
• see your GP. I had a terrible time a year or so ago and he put me in touch with their Counsellor AND prescribed ADs. I didn't actually take them, I have nothing against them, but I just felt better having them there which my GP said might happen Things will probably start to get better as they always do once we decide something is a problem, that is always the first step. All the best, must email you and maybe meet up? Dxxx

HITC I met the person first before going for the counselling iyswim. It can be hard to find the 'right' person (I didn't want people going on about my childhood, I wanted to talk about ds1 and how I felt about that).

The sibling stuff may change quite quickly. I think ds1 was depressed with ds2 came along, he was really quite odd for a long time, but it was like he suddenly came out of it, and now he actually interacts with him. For a long time I worried about what I'd done- having another- now I'm pleased.

DS3 (aged 2) is more of a danger to ds1 now, although it wasn't the case in the early days. Babies get a lot more robust between 1 and 2......

Hi davros - thanks for understanding. Yes, meeting up would be good.

gess - that was exactly what the counsellor I saw before did - kept harping on about my childhood. Really not helpful. As if i wasn't dealing with enough at the time without dragging up old insecurities!

More specialist counsellors are needed aren't they? Mine was great because she had so much ASD experience & had worked with families with children with ASD for over 20 years. Perhaps ask around for a recommendation?

Hi Dino - so sorry to hear you are going through this with your ds3. Its just bloody hard isn't it?

Yes, i wonder if another SN meet-up would be possible?

oh dino

Hi HITC. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it. I know exactly how you feel, sometimes I get really fed up of being so 'Pollyanna-ish' about dd's disability, as I feel duty bound to present that view to the outside world, when inside I feel all of the emotions that you're describing. My dh has recently started counselling (CBT) as a result of all of the worry/ sadness/ stress/ guilt etc. we've been through connected with dd's disability, and it's helped him hugely. As soon as he's completed his course then I think I'm going to go too. Unfortunately we're having to pay for it, so can't afford to go simultaneously!

I often think of you and your dd too (I've name changed as I think I've been 'spotted' recently, but my dd has p-ACC so you can probably figure who I am). Take care, xx

hitc - so sorry you feel like this. 'normal' kids are so easy, aren't they? Amazing really.

Another yes to the meet-up - I'd love to meet everyone.

Dino.

HITC - so sorry you are feeling so bad atm. My DS1 doesn't yet have a dx, but I am finding him really hard to deal with atm compared to DS2, so have some empathy of how you are feeling right now.

HITC, that Counsellor sounds awful (a psychotherapist I'll be bound ). CBT would be good or just someone who understands that the problems are "outside" you iyswim. You can't change how things are, all you can do is try to change or deal with how you feel and, as a result, how you behave. NOT EASY!!

I couldn't check this yesterday but coming on today has made me realise that maybe not coming on mumsnet is something I have really missed in the last year.

To see all the messaged from people who have remembered me as well as people I've never chatted to before.. it does help somehow. thank you.

Aloha - managed to read a little bit about the nightmare you are having with your ds1.. sounds awful. With these kind of attitudes I do wonder whether meaningful inclusion is ever possible...

Miss Spider - pretty sure I know who you are! How are things?

Davros - the counsellor was fairly useless. have been thinking about CBT because I think what I really need is some coping mechanisms as well as some 'offloading' time.

Thanks Fio - I'll email you.