Really hoping that someone else out there understands this or I am going to sound like a real bitch. Have hesitated about posting but I am really not coping at the moment. Sorry this might be long.
Ever since dd2 was born (nearly a year ago) I have been really struggling with dd1 in lots of ways. Partly due to her behaviour and partly due to my own feelings.
Basically I have begun to really resent her disability. I never used to feel like that. I used to feel that it was who she was and if she was different then so what? Now I hate the fact that she can't walk unassisted and I have to physically help her with everything. I hate the fact that I can't really play with her because her concentration span is about 2 seconds and she just doesn't have the play skills. I hate the fact that she can't really occupy herself at all. I hate the fact that every time I ask her a question I have to ask it about 5 times to ensure that the yes or no answer she has given me is the one she actually means because often she says yes but means no or visa versa. I hate the fact I have to ask her to do everything 10 times and even then she often won't do it (things she is totally capable of but chooses not to do). I hate it that she has started shrieking at the top of her voice whenever she doesn't get her own way/is bored. Most of all I hate the fact that she spends her whole time hitting or pushing over her little sister.
Basically I have become really resentful of the fact that she is disabled and that I am never going to have a 'normal' family life.
I think part of the problem with having dd2 has been that I have realised for the first time just how different dd1 is and how much I have missed out on. dd2 is just easy and everything about dd1 at the moment is just hard.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it either. Everyone is always telling me how lovely dd1 is and how well she is doing. I feel like they don't hear me when I say that I am struggling.
Sorry this is long and I don't feel I have really explained myself properly. I love dd1 but I just don't want to be with her at the moment. Am I awful? I feel like I have let her down very badly by not being a more understanding mum.
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Not coping with dd1 being disabled
42 replies
heartinthecountry · 25/06/2007 11:39
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FioFio ·
25/06/2007 19:39
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