DD pushed another child. Mother gave me death stare.

[Strippervicar]

First off, DD is 3 and has ASC. (Does not do well being touched a lot.)
We are on holiday in Bulgaria (not so nice but what do you expect for £900.) DD was dancing on the stage before start of kids disco and was playing with the other kids, tbf they were all a bit rowdy. First off, DD and another girl bumped heads. DH and I saw and didn't intervene cos no one was hurt all ok. The woman looking after other girl came over and I heard the girl say my DD pushed her. But she didn't.
Then, other girl was trying to get DD to hold hands and DD didn't want to so she pushed other girl clean over. I went over and explained to DD pushing is wrong, whatever happened first, and made her apologise to other girl. The woman came over again and spoke to the girl who I believe is 4. She gave DH and I such a glare as she walked past that an hr later I am still a bit upset. DD had been warned that if she pushed anyone again we would go to bed and miss dancing.
DD pushed again, for no reason I can see. So we went to back to the room and did lots of explaining and talking about pushing is not nice, kind hands and stuff. She was asleep quick so I am assuming tiredness was part of it. She has never pushed another child, (she never went near them until a few months ago!)

So my wwyd, do I apologise to the death stare woman? Do I leave it. Or do I wait to see her. At risk of coming across snobby, woman is rather more "worldly" than me, and is quite gobby. I am worried she will shout at me :(

The second incident was to a different child.

Kids push each other all the time. I'd honestly just forget it.

She's 3. They push each other around at that age, and so you always need to be ready to intervene and to apologise to the parent of the other child. Next time it will probably be yours who gets pushed...it's just one of the hazards of being 3.
Don't worry about it, but it sounds like the other mother maybe felt you weren't doing enough to stop your dd from being pushy. I wouldn't do anything more- just keep a close eye on things when all the kids are together.

kids hurting my kids is one of my pet peeves. I hate it. i have never seen one of my children pushing hitting or biting so I don't agree kids do this all the time. I think you should leave it, there's not much you can say to make it better really.

Thanks guys, me or DH is going to be up on the stage with her at all times tomorrow. We were sitting front row next to stage. Other mother much further back. I am feeling guilty I didn't apologised to the mother straight away. I was more shocked at DD and asking her to apologise to the girl. Which she did, bless her.
I will file this incident in experience.

My son is 3.5 and over the last couple of months has pushed a couple of times at nursery. Frustration is normally the root of it. I wouldn't worry too much about it. It sounds like you were doing exactly the right thing in explaining kind hands etc. Usually with my son he is made to sit quietly for a minute or two (so no playing) and apologise. It seems to have worked as we've had no more instances of it in the last few weeks. In circumstances when I'm there I use the same tactic as nursery (make him apologise and sit out of activity for a minute or two). I also usually apologise to the other parent but don't make a song and dance about it as I'm certain their kid will have or will do similar at some point.

Does not do well being touched a lot
other girl was trying to get DD to hold hands and DD didn't want to so she pushed other girl clean over

As your dd has ASC, then she's displaying sensory defensiveness - she does not want to be touched. You already know she doesn't like it.
To her, touch from other kids could feel like needles in her skin, or a gentle handhold could feel like a crushingly hard grip. You won't know until she's old enough to explain it to you, but she's telling you and them the only way she knows how, that they need to leave her alone.

Explaining and talking about kind hands will only get you so far because as you said, she has ASC (and from her actions I'm guessing sensory defensiveness) and you need to parent the child you have, not treat her like an NT child.

Maybe choose some other activities for her that don't involve close physical contact with other kids?

As for deathstare mother, just say your daughter has autism and reacts defensively to being touched, could she please ask her dd not to touch yours in future.

I’d forget all about it tbh and try to enjoy the rest of your holiday

She over reacted. Children push regularly and children misunderstand and say they have been pushed when they haven't. The occasional push won't do any harm and may actually help children learn a vandals life lesson about how people don't always behave the way they should and I've must learn to brush it off and move on. I would never give anyone a death glare over diverging like this.

The pain thing when holding hands is interesting. I never realised it might physically hurt her :(
DD is ok to a point then we see behaviour because of her asc. In an ideal world and what we and preschool are trying to do is toget her to a point where she uses stop sign or says no and comes away. She knows she can always do alone time.
Looks like we have a bit to go.
She seems to be desperate to be sociable but is confused at the rules. She loves dancing too. Kind hands will only go so far I know. As I say, she's never pushed a peer as far as anyone knows, any anger/frustration has been saved up and unleashed on me. Maybe the lack of adult authority on stage made her more frustrated.

Is it normal as a parent of a child with sen/asc to feel sad because she ended up 'in trouble' through actions she couldn't avoid doing?
I know I can't ever have the nt little girl, I love the DD I have, I just want to take her social difficulties away.

She seems to be desperate to be sociable but is confused at the rules

I really wasn't sure if that wasn't a brilliant joke or if you meant it when I first read it.

Do you know what Autism is? Has no-one explained to you that it's deficits in three types of communication called the Triad of Impairments? Look it up and please read it carefully. You don't appear to have grasped what your dd is doing or why.

Then look up co-morbid conditions and strategies to help her.

Is it normal as a parent of a child with sen/asc to feel sad because she ended up 'in trouble' through actions she couldn't avoid doing?

Maybe in the early days momentarily, then your inner Tiger Mother comes to the fore and you either ignore people or when it comes to school, family etc. you educate them that you will not tolerate her being "punished" for showing signs of her disability.

You may get more practical help on the SN boards and less of the "all kids do that" totally unhelpful comments from people who don't know about autism.

The pain thing when holding hands is interesting. I never realised it might physically hurt her

Does she pull her hand away all the time to indicate it's uncomfortable for her? If not, then it doesn't.

It's more you need to work out her reactions to touch by observation until she can tell you herself. Not all sensory defensiveness is felt as pain, but it is experienced differently to how NT people experience it.
Not all autistic people have sensory defensiveness, it was just a guess on my part.

Please (and include your partner/her Dad in this) read her diagnosis report and its recommendations, then go on to the NAS website and read as much as you can about autism, you don't seem to be very clued-up and it's essential you know as much as you can in order to advocate for your dd because no-one else will.
The SN boards here are a mine of information, take some time to read through past topics on SNChat and SNChildren to give you some idea of what it's like to have a child with ASC and what you need to do to be the best parent you can be for them.

Ok, maybe I worded that wrong. She does seem to want to join in but treats her peers as objects or her minions. I have a lot to learn to help my DD.

I have looked the triad up. I am going to read carefully to try to get more strategies. We all seem to struggle when things are unstructured, like holidays. She is on her tablet now having been in the pool with me and DH for all of 20 mins this morn. She's happy with the number blocks.

And no, I will not have her 'punished'. It was completely mine and DH's fault for letting her go up there alone with no structure. That was why she pushed. I am guilty and sad she hit because I could have stopped it before it happened. She loves dancing and her lessons are a real outlet so she was so desperate to dance on the stage.

I'm going to ask MN to move to SEN.

I am also sorry if I come across as green or horrible or ignorant. I am still struggling with grief that DD will find social interaction very hard in a world where we are forced to be social.

Please don't apologise, it is hard to come to terms with a diagnosis when it's something you've not encountered before.

I certainly don't think you're anything that you've described yourself as, but I know what's ahead for you and you have to be as clued up as possible to be your dd's advocate.

The biggest thing to remember with social interaction is she won't instinctively pick up clues like body-language and inferences with tone of voice like sarcasm and later on hints and other comments as she's likely to interpret them literally.

It's a long road, you may not think so right now, but you are so lucky to have a diagnosis so early. So many girls slip under the radar and are not diagnosed or helped until secondary school or even adulthood.

There are a lot of SN boards, please ask for the move to be either Chat or Children (one's removed after 90 days, can't remember which) as the others don't get a lot of traffic.

Thanks :) We haven't got an official dx, they tried to say developmental language disorder we fought that and insisted they see her at nursery and home. Then they changed their mind. I am not sure how they cWe apparently may get an official dx at 6 or later. Their words ffs. I am not sure how they could ignore toe walking, hands over ears, vesitibular sensory and the biggie of social skills at 18-22 months, due to masking this can seem false and she appears like a nt 3 year old for an hour or 2 until it gets too much. She is starting one to one social communication therapy soon so that should help.
We are fighting for every bit of help we can get for her. And yes, the girl thing. Arrrrgh!!!! DD masks a lot and therefore we are going to get this a lot aren't we?
Also, because she is ahead of her age in literacy, numeracy and the other areas she gets left a bit. Amazing since she didn't speak until 2.

Hi everyone,

just to let you know, OP has asked this thread to be moved, so we're moving it to the SN Children board

She's only 3. Many children of that age, even without ASD, might push or be a bit rough.

I have one child with ASD who used to sometimes hurt other children when he misinterpreted social situations. Like if other children were playing tag at school he thought they were chasing him to hurt him and would hit when they got near him. I did have to shadow him a bit in playgrounds as I felt it was unfair to him to put him in a difficult chaotic social situation and expect him to manage. I was usually a short distance away reminding him of the correct way to behave before things started going wrong.

My younger DS does not have ASD and has no issues with his behaviour but there were occassions when he was younger that he would be a bit too rough and hurt another child. Many of his friends behaved in a similar way when they were younger. Once in a playground when he was 4 he brushed by a much smaller child when he wasn't paying attention. The other child didn't fall over or cry or even flinch but the mother of that child scooped him up in her arms and glared at me as if my son was an out of control thug who had come over and punched her baby in the face. I would have apologosed even though my son did not intend any harm - but I didn't bother when her reaction was so OTT. You do come across these types of people on occassions.

Most parents - especially those of older children, or who have a few children - are understanding when small incidents occur especially when the other parents are apologetic. My 1 year old was in a soft play last week and I was sitting nearby - a boy of about 3 came over and wanted a toy she had and when she didn't let him have it he pushed her over and she knocked her head. I didn't feel angry at such a small boy as he is only learning and doesn't have full impulse control. His mum rushed over full of apologies and was telling her son he must never behave like that. I just reassured her it was ok and they are all only learning and when her son said sorry to my daughter I was kind to him.

Sometimes it helps to be very open and tell the other parent that you are sorry about the incident and that your child has autism and you are trying to help her with her behaviour. Most people who were initially annoyed then seem a bit embarrassed when they realise the child they are annoyed at has a disability. At least it takes the pressure off in that momennt.