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Original poster

I want my husband to leave

53 replies

mummy2aaron · 27/01/2007 07:42

For those of you who haven't met me yet, I have 3 children ds1 age 8, ds2 age 4 next month whao is autistic and dd who is 19 months and showing delays. DH and I do not have a good relationship, he is ashamed of ds2 and thinks he is still single, his wages are his and he uses them for himself apart from food and bills - I see nothing for the children and he gets a fantastic wage - I buy and sell on ebay to make some money. I recently found out he had taken out a £10000 loan and have no idea where the money has gone, apparently it's none of my business. He is also very controlling I am not allowed any friends and he check's my mobile phone and emails regularly. I have been unhappy for ages but he thinks it's my problem, not ours. It's his birthday on Sunday and he has gone on a family trip with his Mum and Brother to Dublin, he couldn't afford for us to go. The cards and presents the children have spent time making have been ignored. I am absolutely livid, my 8 year old wanted to go too but he wouldn't take him, last night he changed his mind and said he would stay at home but this morning he has left for his flight and not even said goodbye. The pull of the guinness to strong I think. Ds2 and DD are very problem sleepers, he knows that I will be lucky to have 3 hours sleep per night while he is gone, the sleep is the only reason I am still with him as I couldnt cope on my own. I am shattered and drained all the time, at least he gets up at 6am so I can go back to bed for an hour. Although I am too tense to sleep. I know when he gets back he will act as if nothing is wrong he will even be pleasant for a day or so rather than calling me a 'tw*t' under his breath as I leave the room. I need the strength to sort this out I have mentioned counselling but he won't go as it is 'my problem'. I just feel so unhappy.

Sorry rant over. No need to reply. I am probably just a silly cow.

Sorry I put this in SN but I felt safer doing so.

OP posts:
theheadgirl · 27/01/2007 19:28

I just wanted to send you my support - this sounds like such a dreadful situation. I am on my own with 3DD, one with SN. I just feel like becoming a parent forces you to grow up and even more so when one of your children has problems. In this relationship you are struggling as the only grown up. I know you are worried about coping alone, but I think he is draining you. I never wanted to be bringing up my children on my own, but on my own I have let go a little of the resentment of living with someone who is not doing their bit. Go on entitledto.com and check out how things would be financially if you were to be alone. I'm sending you lots of good wishes and I hope you find the strength to improve things. lots of love xxxxxx

isolde76 · 27/01/2007 19:44

Mine used to question me constantly too - he even bought me another phone in a rage because he could not contact me on my main one as I was in the supermarket and in a 'dead' area. He also monitored time in any evening out that I had (I can probably count them on less than two hands in the entire 7 year marriage).

You can do it. You can break free from him, really you can, just make sure you work out all your rights, and plan plan plan. And don't feel bad for being 'deceptive' about it. That was one thing I felt at the beginning of the break down, and it took a bit for it to leave me system.

isolde76 · 27/01/2007 19:50

BTW, this has a lot of info on what can be construed as abuse. This and other sites were helpful for me in the beginning - reassuring me that i was not the one in the wrong.

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 27/01/2007 20:37

Thanks so much everyone, have had a better day than it started out. With all your support, I have taken the kids to do the weekly shop, to the park and for a pizza, all have behaved bautifully, I think they can tell I am calmer and happier without him. I will read the links, I have got a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book recommended earlier and have a couple of options to think about. It will take time and planning but I must do what is best for me and the children. Again, thanks.

OP posts:
FioFio · 27/01/2007 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 28/01/2007 08:05

Thanks Fio, I am strong when he's not here but I know when he comes home he'll have me right back down again.

OP posts:
TeeCee · 28/01/2007 08:50

How you doing today?
When is he back? HAve you heard from him, has he rung you?

Hope you're ok.

jenk1 · 28/01/2007 09:00

you have done the weekly shop,taken ALL 3 children for a pizza and to the park on your OWN!!!!!!

Thats wonderful, i dont think i could take DS and DD out on my own, you are so strong really you are.

Keep telling yourself iam stronger without him, and as someone else said earlier write down especially what you,ve done this weekend with the children, i think you,re amazing!!!!!!!

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 28/01/2007 09:12

No not heard from him and it's his birthday today. I will be in the wrong because I am not going to ring him but I don't really care. He gets back tomorrow night. It's my Mum's Birthday tomorrow and we will be there for tea so he will come home to an empty house.

I started a Diary last night, hopefully it will help me keep things clear in my head. I get quite forgetful. Thanks for the emails Jen, you have been more help than you can imagine.

OP posts:
TeeCee · 28/01/2007 09:16

You do sound am amazingly strong woman, you really need to start realising that. Don't let him grind you down. You haven't fallen to pieces in fact you've done loads and your kids have had a great time. Keep the feeling of your kids being aware of you being calmer and happier, don't forget that and keep that feeling close to oyu and dip into that memory when yu feel you can't do what you need to do. You can, it's going to be ok.

Tiggiwinkle · 28/01/2007 09:23

Just wanted to add my support mummy2aaron-you have had some great advice on this thread, and I am sure you will soon feel strong enough to take it. You really have done amazingly well this weekend!

edam · 28/01/2007 09:30

Mummy2, you are clearly a loving mother and a strong woman. I hope the support you get here is helping you think about what you actually get out of this relationship - sounds as if your not-so-dear h is actually like a fourth child (and not a very nice one, at that). You've got enough on your plate without him dragging you down. Maybe if you throw him out it will be the shock he needs to sort his priorities out. Maybe not. But at least you wouldn't be responsible for his problems any more or have to put up with his behaviour.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

isolde76 · 28/01/2007 10:24

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Not easy I know. The more you do it though, the more you will realise that you are in the right, and the more you will do things to benefit yourself and your kids, as opposed to giving into his demands. It might be helpful to read some books on co-dependency too, and there is one that relates a lot to alcoholism you mentioned before that the pull of the guinness is too strong?). It's called Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie. Bizarrely, this is one of the books that was furtively sent to me by the long term ex girlfriend of my ex who suffered far worse than me at his hands.

jenk1 · 28/01/2007 10:52

mummy2aaron, i meant what i said in my email, we are not far away from each other, we will have to arrange a meet up

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 28/01/2007 13:41

Well just been into town as my 8 year old wanted to spend his Christmas money. Usually when dh is home we do nothing incase ds2 has a meltdown in public. He has been as good as gold, we even ate out (see a pattern - as little cooking as poss this weekend lol). I am trying to read in bits the Lundy Bancroft book and really recognise dh in it. I I asked ds1 if he was enjoying his weekend and he said he was but he was missing Daddy. Hmmmm things can't continue as they have been doing but I don't want my boy upset - he is very sensitive. Dh is going to have to sort himself out - or leave. I am really enjoying being on my own, probably because you lot have made me feel better about myself and I am much more positive and know I am not useless anymore.

Jen would love to meet sometime. xx

OP posts:
mum24boyz · 28/01/2007 15:48

just wanted to say well done for this weekend mummy2aaron, you have done brill, i have 2 sn youngest, and no way would i attempt what you have achieved this weekend. i hope that achievement has helped you realise just how strong you are hun, you can do this you know!

Fubsy · 28/01/2007 21:50

mummy2aaron, you sound wonderful - youre coping brilliantly, and getting a taste of what life could be like!

I really feel for you. My DP can be a PITA at times, and he never realises how much he wind DD up even though I tell him regularly. But the subtle emothional abuse must be hard to take.

Dont put up with it - youve obviously got some people close to you from what Ive read on here.

Good luck with the counselling.

onlyjoking9329 · 28/01/2007 22:29

it sounds like you are doing exceptionally well on your own and by doing stuff on your own you will gain confidence which in turn will make things better and easier with the kids. chin up and stay strong.

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 29/01/2007 17:11

Sorry not to have posted but I have nipped round to my Dad's as my Laptop crashed last night. I'll be back on soon and thanks for all the support everyone. xxx

OP posts:
TeeCee · 29/01/2007 17:28

Was just thinking about you!
What time is he back tonight?
Hope he's full of remorse for going off like that and is very nice to oyu. Not that that makes up for anything, even slightly, and everything anyone has said on this thread still stands, I just hope he's not an arse to you and that you're ok.

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 30/01/2007 19:31

Hiya, Just been able to get hold of a pc again lol. He was back at 8pm last night, all smiles as if nothing had happened. I had a lie in this morning until 8am and he took DS1 to school. He has been nice but the novelty is wearing off and he insisits he has done nothing wrong, he needs chillout time - WHERE'S MINE.I am avoiding arguments by mostly having nothing to say. I am just making my plans on the quiet. I was going to try talking but as he insists he has done nothing wrong I can see it will get me nowhere. On reading the Lundy Bancroft book anyone who is familiar with it will understand when I say I am married to 'Mr Right' who for me is most definately 'Mr Wrong'. I'll keep you girls posted and thanks again for all your support.

OP posts:
TeeCee · 30/01/2007 21:04

Good luck. Be strong and be happy

PeachyClair · 30/01/2007 22:45

Hiya

Forgot to post this, was chatting to a friend of mine and mentioned you (hope you don't mind). She ahs 5 kids, 2 of whom are ASD. She was where youa re a few years ago. She said everyone who tells you will feel so much better- you can't even begin to imagine how right they are! Since her Dh went, the kids have blossomed, she's grown in confidence so much that she is a degree student AND starting up her own carers business! She said yo give you her love and best wishes, and she knows thata y year from now, if you go through with it, you will be a happier person.

Original poster
mummy2aaron · 31/01/2007 16:06

Peachy I don't mind at all. 5 children wow that's an achievement being able to cope alone. As well as sorting out my situation with dh I am also putting my foot down about dd as she definately has SLI and I want her seen sooner rather than later. I am taking a vitamin supplement to help me feel less jaded and with some more sleep (please god) I will continue to see things clearly.

OP posts:
coppertop · 31/01/2007 16:29

Just checking in to see how you are M2A. xx