I want my husband to leave

[mummy2aaron]

For those of you who haven't met me yet, I have 3 children ds1 age 8, ds2 age 4 next month whao is autistic and dd who is 19 months and showing delays. DH and I do not have a good relationship, he is ashamed of ds2 and thinks he is still single, his wages are his and he uses them for himself apart from food and bills - I see nothing for the children and he gets a fantastic wage - I buy and sell on ebay to make some money. I recently found out he had taken out a £10000 loan and have no idea where the money has gone, apparently it's none of my business. He is also very controlling I am not allowed any friends and he check's my mobile phone and emails regularly. I have been unhappy for ages but he thinks it's my problem, not ours. It's his birthday on Sunday and he has gone on a family trip with his Mum and Brother to Dublin, he couldn't afford for us to go. The cards and presents the children have spent time making have been ignored. I am absolutely livid, my 8 year old wanted to go too but he wouldn't take him, last night he changed his mind and said he would stay at home but this morning he has left for his flight and not even said goodbye. The pull of the guinness to strong I think. Ds2 and DD are very problem sleepers, he knows that I will be lucky to have 3 hours sleep per night while he is gone, the sleep is the only reason I am still with him as I couldnt cope on my own. I am shattered and drained all the time, at least he gets up at 6am so I can go back to bed for an hour. Although I am too tense to sleep. I know when he gets back he will act as if nothing is wrong he will even be pleasant for a day or so rather than calling me a 'tw*t' under his breath as I leave the room. I need the strength to sort this out I have mentioned counselling but he won't go as it is 'my problem'. I just feel so unhappy.

Sorry rant over. No need to reply. I am probably just a silly cow.

Sorry I put this in SN but I felt safer doing so.

hi mumm2aaron

i don't really know what to advise but just wanted to offer you a big hug.

my dh suffers major depression and is often very selfish and rarely offers me any support for my needs or my dd.

i am reaching a point where i want to leave him too as i can't keep ignoring or excusing his behaviour.

the prospect of being a single parent is very scary (especially with a child with SN altho I have no experience of this).

one thing people have said to me which makes the prospect a bit easier is that to all intents and purposes i am already doing everything on my own anyway.

i know you've said your dh does help out in terms of sleeping etc and i can totally empathise with the awfulness of sleep depravation!

do you have any support at all? is there any family you can visit this weekend or have over to spread the load a little.

if you do decide to go it alone, it will be tough but you will be okay and you are capable. i'm sure you'd find and make a great support network once you are free to do so without your phone being checked or not being allowed friends.

sorry i've rambled on but just wanted you not to feel so alone this morning.

((((((((hug))))))))))

OMG it sounds dreadful. I can sympathise with the sleep problems but I think staying in that atmosphere sounds very tiring. Has he always been like this, or do you think there's a chance he could become reasonable?

Paddlechick, thanks for the hug - they are in short supply. I have no one to help me as my Mum is the only one who can deal with DS2 and she has ME and is not to good at the moment.

Jimjams he used to be wonderful but since we have had the children he has become a nightmare. His father was the same and died in 2002 leaving his wife an absolute wreck she can't even directly speak to someone and is very muddled without someone telling her what to do. She has a boyfriend she lives with and rather than tell him she wants to go and see her son in Coventry for a few days she leaves him in a pub or shopping centre saying she needs the toilet and hops in a taxi and disappears leaving the poor man worrying. She also doesnt contact him for a week. I really don't want to end up like her.

Oh my God, you poor, poor thing.
I really don't know what to say other than you really are better on your own than with this man. You have no chance if you stay. He'll drag you down until you're finished. I know you say about the sleep but at least when you're awake you'll be happier and not tense and unhappy. Being on your own has just got to be better than this, it just has to be. And when you are on your own, after a while of readjustment you'll feel so free and so happy you'll have a life again and have the opportunity to meet people and live your life the way you deserve to.

Oh please please take steps to end this. I never say this, I always say stick it out and work at it but not in this case.

Please do what you have to do to make yourself happy and in turn your kids lives better and richer.

Really feel for you.

I'll check back in as and when I can.

You are not being a silly cow at all.

My friend has managed to leave a controlling man after many years and is happier for doing so. Again the behaviours he displayed are characteristic of controllers; isolation from family and friends, constant checking of emails are but two. This man also hid money and opened bank accounts without her knowledge.
He also said it was "her problem", not his. Sounds familiar?.

Divorcing him is not an option I advocate lightly but doing so in your case will in all likelihood be the best option for both you and your children. Controlling people damage both adult and child; child learns controlling behaviours and can copy same as an adult. Controlling behaviour is often learnt behaviour - you comment that his father was the same. He will not change and will probably get worse.

Would suggest also you get a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Attila speaks wise words. I never tell a woman to leave her DH, unlike many MN's who tell you to kick a man out of the house for forgetting to put the bins out. Even if you two are going to work things out eventually you can only do so by first leaving him. I agree that I that I don't think he'll change but he may, just possibly, realise what he's got and start to appreciate you more and learn to be more of a father. If he doesn't, what are you losing?

oh im so sorry to hear this.

I can only echo what atilla and teecee have said, and i always advocate for staying and sticking it out but not when its threating your and your childrens health.

i will be around later tonight, i will email you then.

this weekend without him might make you feel stronger and help you to realise how you can cope on your own without him.

love jen
xx

Hi Jen would be nice if you email, I have a question for you. Talk later.xx

Thanks for all the support everyone, I know I must do something and I have known for a while but I feel so low, probably because this is how I am made to feel. You have all made me feel much more positive and earlier I felt like I was floundering.

This sounds dreadful and no one deserves to be controlled, bullied or verbally abused. I've just read 'george and sam' where the writer says that though her 2 asd children sleep very little she coped with it better when her husband left because she wasn't worrying about his reactions/demands.
Sorry to hear what an awful time you're having

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} sounds like such a difficult life to lead ..

I think if you do want him to leave you are totally justified and you will probably eventually be in a stronger and saner position .. but it will be more difficult in the transitionary period

If you are certain that this is the step you want to take then I'd recommend consulting a good solicitor first, before you tell him .. get all the details mapped out for you.

You will find that you will probably be financially better off as he will need to pay maintenance which sounds like more than he's doing at the moment

good luck

just emailed you hun,

Phone the \link{http://www.womensaid.org.uk/women's aid helpline}. It's not just for women who have been beaten, the isolation and control are emotional abuse and they will be able to talk you through some practicalities.

It sounds an impossible situation and you have my sympathy.

\linkwww.womensaid.org.uk/\women's aid helpline}

Try again

its great that someone has linked to the womesn aid website as i would urge you to look up Domestic abuse. People often assume that Domestic abuse is just violance or sexual attack. its not. what you have described sounds very much like emotional and financial abuse.

I am not one of these "kick him out" just because he farts brigade but i do think that you need some time to A) consider what it is you do want fro your relationship and B) show him that you are seriouse about this not being able to continue.

I know you are worried as to how you will cope but i assure you, your amother and a good one at that...you will cope!
You may find that you have more enegery because although youmay lose an hour's sleep you are not as battered by teh situation and your mind isn't thinking a thousand things at once.

Maybe this weekend apart is a good thing. could you text himand ask him to go back to his mothers'/brothers when they return from Ireland as you need some time?

Message withdrawn

Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. I left my emotionally abusive controlling husband about a year and a half ago and finally got him out of the house a year ago and i also have a son with asperger's.

He never did anything to help, spent money on himself, was controlling, got angry if I did not answer the phone on time, called me every name under the son and he too thought he was single and had an affair. I have never been happier since he has left and I can honestly say that hard as it is with the kids, it is easier than having all the emotional rubbish that he put me through. He still does not want to acknowledge that his son is autistic, thinks it's a load of crap.

You can do it, believe me you can. As the saying goes, there is only one worse thing than staying in an abusive relationship for 10 years - staying in an abusive relationship for 10 years and one day. Go and find out all your legal rights, go to the CAB, perhaps see a lawyer, and write a diary of what happens, any abusive calls, texts etc (I have about 1000 emails saved!). Believe me it will all come in useful at a later date. Counseling is a brilliant idea, and i went myself for a year. Bizarrely, it started off as relate therapy, and turned into break up therapy after he was thrown out of a session for being abusive. They are not just there to help keep marriages together, and you would benefit greatly. I was actually very glad my ex went to a few because the therapist saw exactly what he was like and everything was put into perspective for me. You are so tense because he has brainwashed you into thinking you are worthless, and inside you are rebelling. Well, that and all of the things you have to deal with in regards to the kids.

Feel free to CAT me if you wish.

fatty - i would ask him that but he would hate for them to know we are having problems - he is very much the perfect father to his friends and family, pictures in his wallet etc. If anyone calls he says oh I am just doing jigsaws, making lunch, drawing, playing computer games with the children etc when he just isnt.

tobysmum - I do feel drained, I get that dread feeling before he is due home after work and that doesnt help.

isolde - sometimes the questioning is awful and he says ' quick answer straight away or i'll know you are thinking up a lie'. I never go out anymore but when I did he was constantly ringing telling me one of the children was ill or something when it wasn't true. He even sent a taxi for me once because he wanted me to come home.

I will go to counselling even if on my own because I am sure I will never get my confidence back.

Hiya.

You now my opinion on him already LOL!

Seriously tho, you OWULD cope without him. It'd take a few months to adjust, then you'd be much, much better off and I bet things would improve ona ll fronts with the reduced stress levels. I now you would be lonely and its not that easy, but sweetheart there ARE limits! The way he treats you- its just not acceptable and you know it.

You have my e-mail I think, please do feel free to e-mail me for a chat if you need. You an't keep going on like this, you know that.

Did the HV ever get anything sorted for you? I now she was looking at it.

My personal advice? Change the locks and let him find his stuff outside when he comes back. But I do now its never that simple.

Silly question. Do you love him?

Poor you, change the locks quick and leave him to live with his crazy mother.

Oh Peachy no I dont but I feel sometimes like i do about the children if you know what i mean - but those times are rare more as if i have to do things for him - maybe a maternal feeling. The major hurdle is that I want to stay in our home with the children as I don't think the change would be good for Jack - he is so rigid and sensitive to any change. School in September will be bad enough. I could manage finiancially I am sure with dla & benefits etc, the children arent expensive to keep happy, they just love to be played with and I am quite good at chasing around like a mad thing lol.

I wish he could see what he is like through my eyes.

I am feeling stronger as the day goes on with him gone - funny huh.

If you have strong moments, write yourself a letter which you can read tor emind yourself when he's back, just waht it ws like when he was away.

hun, i havent actually read all the replies, i would say 1st off, no your not being a silly cow, and if you are then i was once the same silly cow. my ex was a terrible drinker and very controlling and manipulative, after many yrs i finally found the strength to leave him, and whoever said you will feel an immense sense of freedom was not wrong, not immediately obviously, it just sort of happens, you wake up one day and realise you are free and its fantastic. as for why you put it in sn posts, thats because the fact that the kids are sn is what is worrying you most at a guess. i can understand that, my eldest 2 arent, and it was still hard leaving their dad. i agree that you wont feel as tired probably without dh there, as that kind of behaviour is so emotionally draining, and hopefully if you are on your own you may get more help off the services. i know i couldnt go back to living like that hun, take my word for it, you will cope, purely because thats what we are designed to do, and i am sure it will feel much easier coping once you have regained control of your own life. am sending you some big hugs too hun, you can never have too many. xxxx

I don't have any advice but couldn't read and not post. It's easy for me to say but I sincerely believe that you would be much happier without him. xxx