Cant help but feel 'jealous' of my friend

[lourobert]

i have a 15 month old with special needs. My friend of 20 years had a little boy 4 months after me. We always joked about having kids together and them going to the same school and being best friends blah blah......!!

Since my sons problems and delays started emerging I have totally cut off from her and her son. and although i feel dreadful about this its just hurts too much to see her enjoying being a mum and doing 'normal' mummy things whilst im stressing about getting to hospital appointments!!

She says she understands but she has said some very spiteful things in the past.

I love my son dearly but I cant help feel jealous of her. I wish i could be doing the things that she is.

Just needed to let hat off my chest as I know that there isnt an answer. Just wanted to share I suppose.

Do yu think these feelings will change?

They might change, a bit, but what you feel is 110% normal.

I find the majority of my friends kids OK to be around but I find 1 friends DD hard and also DD!'s cousion.

The friends was born a few days after DD1 and is incredibly pretty, sweet, bright and I just find it hard to see her with my DD. I guess becasue this girls mum and I were around each other a lot when I was pregnant and .... oh you know what I mean.

Same with her cousin. When the family talk of Josie saying this and getting this award at school and getting so tall and oh isn't she such a bright little thig it can cut like a big knife right into my heart.

I grin and get on with it but it hurts like hell.

Kids at school, doesn't bother me one little bit though and I alwys feel dead proud and like I'm the luckiest mum int eh school.

I don't know if they will 'change' but it will get easier.
My ds is ASD and 2 years older than my friends ds and it breaks my heart to see her ds doing so much better than my ds. He speaks better, plays better etc.
I suppose that you'll just learn to accept it better like I have and it'll just roll of your back. I still have hard days when I see how hard he tries but I have just learnt to count my blessings that he's not that bad.

its my friends son birthday in a few weeks and weve been invited. I was feeling really strong a few ago and accepted the invitation but now Im not so sure.

Its just so so hard. I feel like im finally coming to terms with it all and accepting it then I take about 20 steps back.

I know Im going to have to get used to it but im just not so sure how.....!!!

Im proud of my son as he tried so hard but it will be hard to see him in his tumble form at the party whilse the other kids run round. I dont want him to miss out though for the sake of protecting my own feelings

Do avoid things that are too painful without any feeling of guilt. All very normal. I find certian children/situations difficult, but similar situations fine iyswim. I do avoid the ones I find hard.

As my DD with SN is my youngest child, I really felt I was immune to the feelings you describe. All my friends who were mums had been acquired thru DD1 and DD2 IYSWIM, and so welcomed and celebrated the special little sister who arrived, without having direct comparison of a NT baby themselves.
Even with my sister whose DD was just a few months older than DD3, I felt no bitterness as it had took my sister so much heartache to get her only child, I was happy for her. I felt that cos I'd got my elder very NT dds, I could just love DD3 for who she is.
However, once she got to preschool, and school age, mixing with other Mums and seeing the huge and obvious gap between the development of my DD3 and their LO did give me pangs of bitterness, and I also felt they were patronising and felt sorry for us -how dare they!!
So what I'm trying to say is, its normal, we've all felt it and don't beat yourself up about it. All the best xx

it's perfectly natural to feel that way, to be honest these days most of my friends have kids with special needs it make our life so much easier

what you feel is so normal.
I think Jimjams2 advice excellent,I really wish I had been given this advice 18 years ago when my son was a new-born.
The worse thing I could have done was joined a local new mums group,I thought I would make friends,and as I was new to the area,despite having a severely brain-damaged new baby,I thought that these new friends would help.What a disaster!Yes one or two were great,but the others were awful.
Their smugness went off the scale,and my prescence only served to reinforce how clever they were producing the perfect baby.
I could go on and on,but also,sorry to say this,but I do think that some parents of normal babies get quite annoyed if they see you enjoying your SN baby.Its as if youre not allowed to be happy,otherwise it spoils their cocoon of smugness!
Im sorry if this annoys some people,but thats how I see it.Lourebert hang in there-your feelings are perfectly normal.Bless you,loads of hugs

Hi lourobert i know exactly how you feel. At one stage i said to my mum stop telling me whos pregnant or whos just had a baby as i dont want to know anymore. I was getting jealous of people i knew having babies as i remembered my sons being born and how happy and care free i was when i first had ds1, i knew nothing really about sn. It made me wish i could go back to the feeling of having a newborn iyswim.

I was intersetd in what theheadgirl posted about how she felt immune due to her sn chuild not being her first.

Do people think this makes a difference. I ve after thought maybe I would cope better if my ds wasnt my first....I guess Ive got the whole thing of what if my next child also had sn.

Im not at all saying that having a sn child if they are your 2nd or 3rd child is easy but I do feel that i wish my ds had been my 2nd or 3rd.

Does that make any sense? DOnt want to offend anyone.

oh time4me your message gave me shivers..... so true. I couldn't even bear to join with ds2 and ds3 though (was watching them hawk like) and just the difference between their - well everything.

lourobert- I think each way has pros and cons. the problems with having an older severely disabled child plus younger siblings means you can end up with the equivalent of several babies iyswim. Now ds3 is 2 I can scream at him to stay on the pavement when we're out and he will (kind of), but ds1 (aged 7) is still leaping into the road. I can see the light now though- that soon I will have ds1 plus 2 children who can be instructed. Having 2 who can be instructed helps! At parties I've been to I've noticed that elder siblings really help out their you ger siblings with SN in a way that ds2 and ds3 can't. But I'm not sure whether that's always good, and it must be quite a shock for the elder ones in some way to have their life turned upside down. DS2 doesn't miss the things he hasn't done (yet) because he hasn't done them. If he'd been used to doing certain things and we'd had to stop that might be harder.

Lourobert, I'm sure it must be harder to have your 1st child as one with SN. You've got the whole adjustment to being a mother to cope with, plus the feeling that things aren't the same as with other mothers. Although as I said, I still feel jealous of parents with NT children the same age as my DD3, but because I have the older 2 I can say to myself "been there, done that", and try to enjoy the different experience of having a child with SN. And not to sound Pollyannish, but there IS a lot to enjoy. Having DD3 has meant I've met so many wonderful people who I otherwise wouldn't have met. I've learnt sign language. I've been able to laugh whilst we watch her laid on the floor in Sainsburys - I'm sure as a 1st time parent I'd be mortified. Your DS is only 15 month, so you've become a mother, AND had to cope with the real grief of his SN in just over a year. The feelings you describe sound very very normal, especially as you have the almost direct comparision of a your friends NT child of almost the same age. I think it WILL become easier for you. Anyway, never mind your friends boy - tell us more about your DS, I'd love to hear about him xxxx

Hes a lovely lovely little boy.Always knew something wasnt'right' but couldnt put my finger on it.He started having seizures at 5 months. Ive worked with people with learning disabailiites since I was 16 so knew it was something to be concerned about so he was dx the very same day as his first seizure.

He lost all his skills at the onset of the seziures. Stopped sitting and smiling and reaching. Then at 8 months he was dx with Willaims syndrome.

One of my closest friends has Williams (how strange is that....!) as does her little boy so that was nothing new to me however the Infanitle spasms was.

Hes now 15 months and can roll for hours on end, cannot sit unaided but I think hes beginning to get his head control again. Responds to sounds and music and especially cuddles.

He brought me and my family so much closer together plus one of my friends mums is besotted with him and as I trust her she looks after him sometimes!

He sounds gorgeous, I can picture him rolling around your room to music, stopping now and again to be cuddled! But, you my love, have gone through SO MUCH in the past 10 months since his diagnosis. Seizures are a frightening thing to watch, and he's regressed after them. My dd3 has Down syndrome, and although I didn't have amnio, I was looking for it from the second she was put in my arms after birth. Have a look at her smiley face on my profile!
Keep posting Lourobert, I'd love to know how your boy gets on. Give him a cuddle from me

I certinaly will, thanks for taking the time to post and making me know that my feeling arnt completly out of order...!

Hello lourobet

I can really relate to all the stuff you (and other posters) are saying. My dd has chromosome disorder too (20 mo) My SIL was pg same time as me (2 weeks between our nippers). Every one I know and ever knew seems to have had a child in last year or be ready to pop. Its rough. I've thought (and said) some fooking awful things. Will share if you like but v harsh, vile stuff. All sorts of thoughts are completely normal - psychiatrist explained this to me (another story)

You are going through a hell of a lot - and that's before you even have to contend with spiteful or insensitive remarks. If a situation is going to be too much for you then avoid it. Missing out on a party is not depriving yr little boy or meaning that you are failing to integrate him with his peers. A few months ago I took my DD to a baby gym club at the leisure centre. Forked out for a whole term in the mistaken belief that it would be good for her and would encourage her to move about seeing all the other kids (!) It didn't. I felt cack. Specially when other moms faces would drop when I said her age - some would ask questions ('was she prem?' always a fave!)Others would just go 'Oh' and scurry off embarrassed. Largly people avoided us. I have had some positive experiences at such groups. Though I think for the most part people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Doesn't mean they're horrible. I sometimes wonder whether I would have been like that if shoe was on the other foot (come to the conclusion that I wouldn't)I reckon a lot of it is down to how I am feeling. Sometimes I can brush stuff off; sometimes I am picking on any little thing and blowing it out of proportion; sometimes I'm making jokes out of it all; sometimes I'm challenging and confronting people over their attitudes / remarks, sometimes I'm on my own afterwards in bits.

Sorry - am waffling on a load here. I met a lad(7) with Williams Syndrome last week...

Hello ejb.....Ive also said some awful awful things in the past few months the worse was telling my son that I wish he had never been born....plus ive said some other pretty horrible things, nothing that was meant suppose I was just wanting to vent and get my anger out.

The thing with my ffriend is that she has always been about doing it all better....getting better GCSE's, having a better looking boyfriend, a better job blah blah and Im sure she sees our situation as one-up-manship....perhaps thats harsh but its the way it seems sometimes.

I want her to br proud of her son and so she should but I dont want the fact that hes so advacned shoved in my face....surely she can spare me the details. Thats why Ive cut myself off.

I rlate to the last comment you wrote about it all depending on hoe you are feeling. Esp the bit about challenging people then being left in tatters etc.

As I said a good friend of mine had Williams as does her son. Its hard seeing her son aged 4 as hes walkin,talking etc as my son will likely never be able to to due to having Infanitle spasms as well as Williams syndrome. we workign on it though and well never give up!!!

One standard rule of thumb I applied was to dump any friendship where the friend was too embarrassed to mebtion "the A word" (autism).

I also apply the "my life is more stressful than most" rule- not about competition, just a recognition of the truth. From that I got to the " don't do things that are a lot of hassle/very diifucult/too painful if I won' get much out of the occasion and don't have to" That would include things like taking the family to a christening 300 miles away, metting up with a whole load of people for a pub lunch etc. it means he things we do tend to have a high chance of being a success, and I don't get into the trap of doing things I know are going to be really difficult then moaning about it.

Yep. Never give up. Nobody can tell you how your child is going to develop / progress - whatever their problems or lack of. The spasms do obviously complicate things but that doesn't mean never walking, talking. You need to stay hopeful as much as possible - and focus on the precious, gorgeous little boy you have. If that sounds a bit iffy patronising it isn't meant to be - just what I keep telling myself.

I think its a good thing you are backing away from yr friend - that is grossly insensitive if not cruel to chatter on about how 'advanced' he is. Eeek - I thought one of my mates was bad in that respect(although she is very caring and means well. She's always the first one up to the hospital or calling up to ask how I am which offset most of her comments as far as I'm concerned - she just over empathises and can be alarmingly crass) Some of her gems include saying her 3 yo kind of has special needs cos he is not like all the other kids in nursery cos he is so clever / advanced and asking me how am I going to feel when her DS2 is doing things before my DD can - this was before he was even born FFS!

Am interested to hear more about yr son's IS, if you don't mind sharing. Was it obvious to you straight away what it was? I ask because my DD has had fits in hospital (in NICU - I didn't see). She has had other funny turns. 2 negative EEGs (I know that doesn't completely rule it out), so it was put down to jerks due to reflux. Now we know she is having frequent ish hypoglycaemic episodes so her paed (and me) putting fits down to that. She is not on any medication for it - controlling sugars seem to be doing the trick for now. I turned down another EEG last month - so many appointments / other issues I thought this was something to wait and see.

I first noticed that something wasnt right when my son started doing strange head nods then stop then have another and so on.......!

My dp thought it may have been indigestion or reflux or similar (god, if only!!!) He had an EEG the same dfay which showed hypsarrythmic patterns which therefore deemed it to be IS.

He responded well to meds immeatliety and was seizure free for 3 months. He does have spasm now but far and few between but they dont seem to bother him and he still develops although slowly. Were constantly playing the med lottery and whehter getting complete seizure control is worth making my son sleep all day (as this is what many of the meds do!)

Id never heard of IS- wish i never had.

Im lucky enough to have spoken with many people whos children have'had IS with some fantastic advise. After all the docs dont really seem to know an awful lot about it....!

A fantastic thread,thanks a lot lourobel for starting this.How I wish I could have read some of these comments when my son was young.ejb1976,I think you and I must have had similar experiences,I could have written your comments myself.
I was so desperate for someone,anyone, to say the right things.What is it with these people that they can be so insensitive,even family,( my mum went on and on about the poor girl round the corner who had just had triplets,2g and one b,all perfect-but how difficult it would be for her to get out.....!)-what a total dream come true,as my friend said,you would give anything just to have one.My son was my first and I wish someone had told me about the grief,that was so true.Grief,anger,bitterness,I felt it all.What about the classicHe/shes boredwhen talking about their NT kids,being so bright that they are bored at school.Stupid people,crass and ......well I could go on.Looking back I really wish I had cut myself off as these stupid people didnt do me any good at all,one even rang me from the delivery room to boast about her NT newborn.Fortunatly I had just found out I was pregnant again,so I managed to survive that conversation feeling a bit smug,as she was so patronising,silly git.

I do find it very hard to be around other family especially cousins. Ds2 has a cousin who is a couple of months younger and it's hard not to make comparisons. I also find things like birthday parties hard where Ds2 won't sit in a circle with the other kids and play pass the parcel etc and I am constantly running around after him apologising etc. Not so bad now he is out of mainstream stuff because he doesn't get invited .

Another thing I find difficult as Ds2 gets older is seeing much much younger children able to do things he can't. I see 18 month olds with better motor skills than him (he is 5) and it does upset me when he is struggling to do something really simple like put a lid on a box and they run over and do it for him.

I do agree that I think it has been easier for me having my younger child with special needs rather than the older. For a start I haven't had to suffer a younger sibling overtaking him in everything. Obviously I can remember that Ds1 was well ahead of him at the same age but it isn't quite the same in your face comparison. Also I think it helps with the early feelings of guilt. I felt less worried that it was because of something I had done because I had already got an older child without special needs. I think it is probably easier in terms of dividing your attention also because the older child can be more self-sufficient.

Socci, I am really interested in your post. It has always struck me how genuinely accepting you are of your dd's autism. That isn't supposed to be a criticism - I am in awe of it and wish I could be a bit more the same way.

ejb @ ' he has special needs he's so bright' I always feel like singing "wrong audience" at these people. Good grief. Unbelievably insensitive. Did you develop what I call "the fixed smile", head to one side, "mmmm".