can I do a safe aibu here?

[DorothyL]

Not having a good evening. Our neighbours have three children aged eight, six and three, who often spend time in the garden, making the noise you'd expect. We are out there prob slightly less often, but when we are Ds sometimes, being the way he is, can be very noisy when he's stressed or excited. Today I was cooking while Ds played outside. He started reciting a line from a tv prog to himself. Next door were having dinner outside and their boys thought Seb was being hilarious and were giggling, which egged Ds on etc. Suddenly I could hear the mother say very sharply to Ds "can you be quiet please ds" I was stunned, Ds immediately silent and he ran and hid by the side of the house. Dh came home 10 mins later and he went next door - apparently they said Ds's noise levels were challenging and could we talk to him - well if it was that easy I would do it! They also apologised, but I feel really upset. It's just another instance of people being less than understanding... I don't often talk about it but there have been a few. I just don't get it, I would NEVER say anything to them about their kids' noise, or anybody's. Dh spelt it out to them today that it wasn't as easy as just talking to ds. They looove their garden and are out there every possible moment and seem to suddenly find ds an imposition. We have been neighbours for nearly 10 years and I'm stunned and upset.

Thanks Panda.

I do feel a little bit that she feels we're ruining her fragrant lifestyle, but that's me being mean.

She should have told her kids to stop mucking about and laughing and get on with eating their dinner. No way should she have dragged your son into it, as he was in his own garden, doing his own thing, being looked after by his own family.

I am also that she sings and plays her guitar in the garden. What an attention seeking show off.

Don't let it bug you for too long though op. Your NDN would probably have reprimanded any child-she sounds like the sanctimonious, smug type.

I also think she was totally out of order.

If she wants to eat her meal outdoors she needs to be prepared to put up with noise from neighbouring gardens. Other people are allowed to enjoy their gardens in daylight hours and make reasonable noise, which it's sounds like your DS was doing. If she wants to eat in peace she can always eat inside.

And yes she should have told her children off for laughing not your DS. I would be as cross as you are.

The guitar thing really winds me up

You could complain but what would that achieve? You've muddled along together for 10 years with one upset. Your DH spoke to them and maybe that will be that.

If you start tit for tat complaints then it will escalate to a total falling out and possibly neighbour wars. Is that what you want? That will upset you even more.

I know and believe me I would never say anything, just ranting on here

I think I'm just more upset because it's been 10 years. You think you know people and then - boom

It is upsetting. I would hope that she's regretting her impulsive action now.

I'd yell over "shut up that racket" at her singing and complain every time her kids made a noise but that's probably not the best way to handle it.

I don't think it's an SEN issue really, her kids were laughing at your son, he was playing up to it, she lost her temper and misdirected it. So her fault, she should have been telling her kids to quiet down.
Are you pursuing a diagnosis? Might make it easier to get people on board?

Dorothy - are you feeling especially vulnerable and fragile at present? Because, yes I accept she was mean and upset your DS, and yes she used an unpleasant tone. But you do seem from what you write to still be very very upset about it.

I can understand it if you are especially fragile. But at such times it's good to take a step back, do things to relax. Try to catch up on sleep (lavender oil might help). Look after yourself. If you really need a good cry then get it over with.

If she is okay most of the time, then try not to catastrophise. It might not be that bad really - just a bad day for both of you.

I think I feel fragile in the sense that I think there are problem areas that need dealing with in my life and then there are safe areas, and suddenly it feels like the ground has shifted again.

I think your neighbour behaved really poorly and totally agree with Convenientflush. If they wanted a quiet meal, eat indoors. You could have been mowing your lawn, or using a power tool, would she have shouted at you.

I'm dismayed by how little understanding and empathy some people an have for others with disabled children. We put up with loads of dog barking, singing, parties, power tools, bbqs, wood chopping, excessive lawn mowing and strimming from some neighbours through gritted teeth and I expect them put up with my daughter's noise with good grace.

Being upset by a lack of understanding of your childs disability is NOT just being over sensitive and overreacting to a minor snap from neighbour, it's a far deeper issue than that. I hear you Dorothy.

YANBU Your garden is your family's space. Your neighbours don't get to control what your son does or how much noise he makes. Telling him off was not ok.

I think most parents of children with SEN go through phases when we are feeling up for a battle and times when we are feeling fragile or wobbly.

So you're not up for a battle at the moment - that's fine. Ignore your neighbours, but let your son continue to use the garden as he normally does because he is doing nothing wrong.

If she's in the garden singing and playing the guitar she must be at least slightly barking. It made me laugh.

I wondered if you were feeling fragile. All my family is a bit wobbly at present - and it does affect us all in different ways.
I think your neighbour was wrong, but your DH has spoken to her. Do not allow her (over 1 comment) to ruin the sanctuary of your garden. It is a safe space and just continue to use it as such.
Everyone can have a bad day.