can I do a safe aibu here?

[DorothyL]

Not having a good evening. Our neighbours have three children aged eight, six and three, who often spend time in the garden, making the noise you'd expect. We are out there prob slightly less often, but when we are Ds sometimes, being the way he is, can be very noisy when he's stressed or excited. Today I was cooking while Ds played outside. He started reciting a line from a tv prog to himself. Next door were having dinner outside and their boys thought Seb was being hilarious and were giggling, which egged Ds on etc. Suddenly I could hear the mother say very sharply to Ds "can you be quiet please ds" I was stunned, Ds immediately silent and he ran and hid by the side of the house. Dh came home 10 mins later and he went next door - apparently they said Ds's noise levels were challenging and could we talk to him - well if it was that easy I would do it! They also apologised, but I feel really upset. It's just another instance of people being less than understanding... I don't often talk about it but there have been a few. I just don't get it, I would NEVER say anything to them about their kids' noise, or anybody's. Dh spelt it out to them today that it wasn't as easy as just talking to ds. They looove their garden and are out there every possible moment and seem to suddenly find ds an imposition. We have been neighbours for nearly 10 years and I'm stunned and upset.

Other people's DCs can be very annoying, especially if you are not on top form. I think you develop a kind of immunity to the noise your own DCs make but other people's can be irritating.

Where we used to live we had DCs on both sides but all of we mums would yell at all the DCs to shut up when it got too much and nobody minded. Quite often my own DS was next door contributing to the noise when I yelled over the fence.

I never minded anyone telling my DSs to quieten down when they got too much. I tried to keep an ear out for excessive noise but if I was in the front of the house would miss it. We were all friends and looked out for each other and our DCs.

I can understand her wanting to eat in peace. Maybe keep an eye out and bring DS in when they are eating. It's what we used to do.

You are obviously very sensitive at the moment but don't over think things too much. It will blow over.

Dorothy has Seb an identified difficulty...it sounds a bit like autistic spectrum disorder which includes aspergers??? And how old is he?? If do, I might have some ideas for you, things that might help.

There is no diagnosis but yes he is definitely on the spectrum.

If the general atmosphere in the neighbourhood was like you describe Apostrophe then fair enough, but nothing has ever been said before in a decade of kids' play.

I can't see their garden because of a tall hedge so it's difficult to bring ds in when they eat. And anyway, they don't bring their children in when we eat. Yesterday briniging him would have meant he would have demanded screen time. Outside he was bouncing his ball and happy, and their children enjoyed it.

Zzzz I know what you're saying about her life but as they're outside a lot I can tell quite a lot - the dh's work means he's around a lot. She's a sahm. The children are all healthy. The marriage is clearly good. She has lots of family locally who help out. It's all pretty good from what I can see.

I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't bite my tongue when her kids are making a racket in future. Also sounds a bit like her kids were laughing at your ds unless I've got that wrong? Which obviously isn't on.

If you didn't see it, you might find the serial "The A word" worth watching. It's a tv drama about a little boy and how his family learn to cope with his needs, behaviours and difference. I think you might also need professional guidance and a self help group. There is increasing awareness of the autistic spectrum condition, if he is on it. Things like super sensitive sight and hearing,lack of awareness of hot and cold sensations, trouble seeing the world from any view apart from their own. This being said, every child on the spectrum is an individual. If this is your son, the more you understand the better, and then perhaps you can help your neighbour to understand things a bit better too. Good luck😃.

Also, i enjoyed the a word just as a piece of drama and lots of lovely lake district views.

I do appreciate all friendly comments and advice, but even here the onus seems to be on what work I should put in, not on saying she should just wind her neck in basically. I really struggle with daily life as it is, I don't think I have it in me to add educating people to my workload

He wasn't talking to them through the fence, he was talking to himself on our side of the hedge! Why can't they just tolerate it, just like we've tolerated each other for the past ten years?

Even for an nt child, would you say it would be acceptable/normal to all of a sudden reprimand a child sharply when no contact like that had happened before? Wouldn't you speak to the parents first or at least ask the child nicely??

I would never dream of telling my next door neighbours children to be quiet. If it was bothering me that much I might have a word with the parents. Obviously I'm in the minority though.

I obviously don't just leave ds to get on with it. I talk to ds all the time, I try to vary his activities, I do all sorts.

Yesterday it didn't even occur to me that I needed to do anything because he was just talking and their kids were laughing.

Why can't they just tolerate it, just like we've tolerated each other for the past ten years?

They told your DH that he's "getting worse". That's why. Ask them what they mean by this.

He's just 10 and very much verbal.

Play dates in the past have always been very brief so issues didn't arise.

Go and chat to her- it doesn't matter if you cry. If she is nice she will learn a little more and want to help. If she isn't, you haven't lost anything. Chances are, she was just having a bad day- if she doesn't know much about your ds she may have thought he was deliberately winding her kids up! Or maybe she is beating herself up for snapping. Just go and chat and let her know how sad you are- but try not to be angry.

I think you would have been better posting this in aibu. Your ds was doing nothing wrong talking to himself in the garden. I assume the children next door talk to each other in the garden. I would certainly be tempted to tell her to wind her neck in but would probably just ignore her.

Actually, I would be annoyed if a neighbour asked dd1 sharply to keep the noise down. Especially if she hadn't asked nicely beforehand.

I know well enough dd1's chatting/singing/noises can be irritating at times. I know full well what it is like to want a peaceful meal (not that I ever get one ). And yes, it is ok to be annoyed at interruptions.

But I would still be annoyed if the first contact was short and sharp. Especially if previous interactions had been friendly. It's just unnecessary.

I would probably end up agreeing a course of action with the neighbour - if they really wanted a peaceful time, or for whatever reason your ds was being just too intrusive on that day, at that time - then I'd agree what they could say to ds (in a nice tone, explaining that raised voices don't help), and that if I heard that phrase I'd be there to help sort it out/distract. I would, however also be pointing out that ds was in his garden, and that this didn't mean a promise of no noise whatsoever - children play, make noise etc.

I am genuinely surprised at the way this thread has gone.

She's now out there playing the guitar and singing, maybe I would rather she'd stop!?

Dorothy, I am fairly surprised by it.

I did say I would be annoyed too. And I would be through the roof at 'he's getting worse'.

But at the end of the day, you need to find a way to live alongside each other.

I would not be taking any nonsense over noise in the daytime - standard playtimes. I would care not a jot.

But I would try to be considerate on occasion, especially if the neighbour let me know that there was something in particular she was struggling with.

But the talking sharply directly to my child? I'd take no prisoners over that.

Aww zzzzz; I remember when DS was having a meltdown; we were in a shop; and I took DS downstairs of the shop to quieten down; I think one of the staff members parked up his bike there. So anyway; whilst DS was having a meltdown; with his arms wailing in the air; he accidentally knocked the bike down; it didn't go straight wham bam on the floor; it slowly went to the floor; but you would be able to hear the bicycle shuffling in the ground; also the owner had shopping bags on the bike; which you could hear rustling.

Luckily; the bike wasn't broken in anyway; and DS was calmed down by then. But as we were eating; the owner of the bike ( who was also the staff member) came up to me and DS and shouted that his bike was very expensive and I better watch DS. Yeah it was very humiliating; considering that DS always acts up when were in that particular cafe and is as good as gold when his dad takes him there; making me feel like a shit mum.

But OP it sounded like the neighbour was stressed out by her DC's laughing and took it out on him instead. This has happened now; so just move on from it; there's no need to talk to the neighbour as your DH has already had.

Some people do have mutual tolerance, but you would find that people are move invested in their own lives; their own problems.