siblings

[DorothyL]

So, siblings of sn children, who have to put up with quite a bit due to their sibling's sn - do you expect them to be a supporter of their sn sibling nonetheless or do you accept resentment etc?

Brilliant advice ovenchips, thank you.

Sometimes, rarely, once in a blue moon, we have a good day ... And think "wow this is most people's every day" English I think like that too, if we have a really good day then I also doubt her diagnosis, and then bang, off she goes again.

Yes shady - been there too

Don't know how our marriage survives all the stress - sometimes it feels like we are trapped in a glass fortress - imprenetrable - and not much fun

I have to say, having dd makes me feel like a much more understanding person, much much more understanding; but not a better parent, unfortunately. There always feels like there is someone left behind.

I also have a dd it has hypermobility. It's so severe that we are in the process of applying for an ECHP with the support of school (yes, the same school that doubted dd2 diagnosis). I cannot compare the difference in parenting and the subsequent sibling relationships. We are compromised on many things with hypermobile dd. when we do big days out, dd, who is 9 will end up in baby's buggy. But more often than not, we will avoid a big day out. Our activities are specifically designed to pace dd. for example, at the moment dd is on complete rest for a week a a result of an injury sustained from ASD dd. we cannot go to the park, do anything where dd cannot rest for a week. The weather is beautiful here is London. We can all deal with this and accommodate this, it's not great, but we can do it. But we cannot manage the necessity of double standard parenting. The having to drag all the dcs away from the park when dd melts down. Yesterday the nt kids were building a gingerbread house, ASD dd came down to do her bit, melted down because she didn't want to share and smashed up the house. Nt dds very distressed. Either way it's fucked. Dd needs to learn to share, this is a great environment for it. To calm dd, I go up and read to her for an hour. To nt dcs, this must look like a huge reward for ASD dd. and it means I ignore the ones who are upset. But I don't want to exacerbate a melt down, have dd destroy her room, rip up everything she finds precious, or self harm.

Rock >>>me

I think if we are talking about looking after siblings, alot of people have to work and their children have to look after their siblings when they are nt. Obviously in an ideal world ss would support a family with a child with severe sn after school in an activity so the parent could work, or there would be specialist after school care. Unfortunately that doesn't happen. I've told my child's sw that I have to leave my sev disabled child with her teenage sibling, it's even been to panel with the head of children's with disabilities team. They seem to think this is fine! They are also less likely to support if it's so you work too, rather than of benefit to your child/ren. That is the reality of the situation and its actually one of the reasons I eventually gave up work, as I felt pulled from pillar to post. Life isn't easy for people. That's why it makes me laugh when people go on about people on benefits and claiming dla for their children, I really don't know how they can work if they are on such low incomes with no family support, I imagine it's verging on impossible in some cases

I

oops sorry i clicked to soon.
I have 3 children and my youngest has ASD and ADHD. they are aged 22, 19 and nearly 10. My older two have been through the teen years and have had many needs of their own during that time and of course even now. We have tried our hardest to acknowledge their needs, do the best we can for them alongside their youngest sibling. Its really hard. But, they appreciate the fact that we still taxi them around, chat til 4am with them despite us being totally knackered, let them have friends stay over etc. We adapt as much as we can to accomodate them ALL. Often to the detriment of our own selves and our health. But thats how we are. We love our kids. We ALL love our DS who is 10. Our older kids still love to come on holiday with us, we go out for dinner every sunday for dinner as a family. Yes, they would like to have others come with us, but they know it makes DS (10) very very anxious. Its part of their sacrifice for their little brother. They have grown up having to leave cinemas, theatres, restaurants, friends and families houses, disneyland (yes disneyland)! because youngest DS was not coping. We actively look for ways to make up for it. We for example, went back to Disneyland just with them. They loved it. We loved it. Young DS stayed with his nan and grandad and played lego all day. Everyones happy. Not Perfect, but happy. My oldest DD asked very recently to have our will changed to put her down as a guardian for young DS should anything happen to us. We said no. She said, then I would contest the Will and fight for him. 'He is my brother and we know him and love him more than anyone does, why would you want him to be anywhere else?'. We have not decided to change the Will, but it just shows how strongly they feel about DS despite the many many difficulties having a child with disabilities presents. The ultimate responsability is always the parents, but, in a family everyone has a responsability to help each other, however that family sees fit.