Yr 7 in trouble at school

[We3KingyOfOblomovAre]

Ds1(nearly 12) is in trouble at secondary. He has a diagnosis of AS, but old school disputed this, they thought it was me with the problem!!

He has no iep , no support, no nothing.

He's had trouble since the start: not completing homework, answering back, shouting out in class, silly behaviour, making silly noises.
This all went on for years at primary and he was punished, but it never changed. It wasn't seen as ASD behaviour.

So eventually he's had tonnes of detentions and he's put 'on report' - needs to get a list each Monday from head of year, gets ticks after each lesson, staying behind to see teacher, then checks in with his mentor every afternoon.
After 4 weeks he's got better, but still shouting out and detentions continuing.
I said we can't go on with on report indefinitely, he hasn't changed that particular behaviour and we can't keep punishing him indefinitely.
She asks me to continue and support him/them.

Yesterday his 'friend' who invited him to a sleepover and then told him he wasn't welcome, sat next to him on purpose.

he was teasing him and kept touching his pencilcase(yes really) , so ds hit him with his ruler! Oh god. Why did he do that?

So now he's in isolation, because head of year emailed to say he can't be trusted to be with his peers. So now everyone will be talking about him. Great!

I've had enough. I can't deal with him anymore. I just don't know what to do with him.

huge argument with Dh. Dh said I need to step back and let school get on with it.
But the effects of what they do make him unbearable at home, shouting and swearing at me. School know this.
Dh reckons this is the first step of a slippery slide to school washing their hands of him and expelling him. I know that sounds over-dramatic, but I fear so aswell. And then guess who it would be left to to find new school/ sort it all out?? Guess right. Yep. Me!!

Any suggestions?

You need to be more proactive. Arrange meeting with hoy and senco to discuss the possibilities and issues such as impulsiveness and social skills. If basic disclipline strategies are not changing his behaviour they may suggest an assessment , would your dh agree with that?

What assessment Liz?
EP?
Last time she came to see ds in school, (primary, year 3) post diagnosis of AS, she said she saw no ASD behaviour!!
So how would bringing her in help?

It's me who says it's not working. School seem content to continue as they are.

I would be asking for a review with EP. Do the school know about the dx? Can you go back to the paed who made it. You need to be very clear to them that this is more than misbehaviour.

I don't trust LEA EP. And no, he's not under any Paed, camhs or nothing because he's been discharged from everywhere.
If I asked for an assessment, I suspect even this new school would not attribute any behaviour to ASD.

I know what you all say is true. But remember I fought at old school - catholic feeder school, and got nowhere for 5 years.

In the end primary school contacted SS told them I had munchausens, took both boys away for 2 months. I was arrested, accused of abuse. All charges were eventually dropped and SS concluded that the Schools concerns were "unfounded", written in a SS letter. The boys were returned. SS closed the case after 7 months, suggesting I had been, in a SS letter : "victimised by the school".

So, I promised myself I wouldn't fight with the new school. I wouldn't put myself through it again.
But what you are all suggesting, is exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do.

Gosh! It sounds like you have had a terrible time. Sorry to hear that. In your opinion does the new secondary school recognise that your ds has ASD? If not then you do really need to get in touch with the person who diagnosed him for support. If you think this school will be as unsupportive as the old one then you may well just have to look for a more inclusive school, but you really need a follow up appointment for his ASD condition. Perhaps the G.P could help. Your son sounds very like my 9 year old DS. He also has ASD. Best wishes xx

Thank you everyone.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if it's worth fighting.

If his life is going to be miserable otherwise I really don't think you have much choice, although I understand your reluctance. It doesn't have to be confrontational. Did you communicate with senco and hoy about his diagnosis when he started y7. You may be pleasantly surprised once you take the initiative. Could your gp re refer you to the paed for a review?

Sorry, but from what you've said, you may not have much choice but to fight. You've said that you think your ds's school is preparing to go down the "naughty" child/exclusions route, at which stage, as you said, you'd need to get involved in alternatives.

If they aren't going down the exclusion route but are trying to punish your ds to make him behave like "everyone else" then it won't work and explosions at home will continue and very likely increase (plus he still won't be behaving in the way they want). And your son's self esteem must be at rock bottom.

I know you feel at rock bottom too and what happened at primary school is truly shocking and would make anyone want to back off. You have my complete admiration for coping with all that.

One thing in your favour is that end of term is nigh, which gives you and your ds a bit of breathing space. Could you contact school and request a meeting in the new year? If humanly possible I'd find someone to go with you. And request information from whoever diagnosed ds in the first place and ask your GP for re-referrals for support as other posters have suggested.

You have to get the school to recognise his special educational needs so they can meet them, otherwise your ds will carry on as he is, struggling and will just be punished for his behaviour. You know from past experience that school sanctions and I am sure home sanctions are not enough to control his 'behaviour', that is because he needs more support. You have no choice really. This won't get better by itself. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear. You could get a follow up appointment for his ASD and then apply for a different school, with a fresh start. Best wishes.

You've had a terrible experience and I can understand the reluctance to not go through it all again. Can someone else help you advocate e.g. parent partnership, or someone from BAS, or even Mencap? They have family liaison officers and cover ASD (at least locally to us they do). Then at least you'd have a professional with you. They can be very supportive, and they are not part of the school. It just takes a chat on the phone, judging you is the last thing they will do, then maybe you could chose the person you feel most comfortable with to take forward as a parent supporter. Discuss with them how to approach school - it will take the load off you. They will probably accompany you to meetings. His diagnosis is real and as others have said, it's illegal to ignore it in school. If you get nowhere, the school's not for you, and you'll at least know how to sound out alternatives. Best of luck!

Sorry, I meant NAS, not BAS

I agree with what the others have said, I also think it would be helpful to go back to your GP and get a re referral to a paediatrician or camhs!

Just because it really helps to have a professional onside if school are not seeing the Asd!

You and your Ds should have really had some support although it is common to diagnose and discharge.

What happened to you before was horrendous, any parents worst nightmare but you still need to advocate for your boy or he will get permenantly excluded! The school may say they are happy but trust me they will be recording all these incidents and one day they could easily decide they have had enough.

Good luck

Thanks for your responses.
Head of year rings me weekly. I have met senco twice, both initiated by me.

I need to give this some thought.
I will be guided by him. wait to see what happened today.

Maybe I should send an email making some of your points and ask them to document every single incident and every single action They have taken, in a diary form.
This would force them to detail it to date. Provide me with evidence to escalate?

I spoke to dr who diagnosed him (in 2011 by camhs) and also his Paed (dis-charged a year ago) in the last 6 months, re the school allegation / ongoing SS case.

My GP is lovely. She was horrified by the whole case last year. I could go to her to ask for re-referral back to Paed and camhs.

I think going back to the GP is a great idea, she sounds helpful and it would be good to let her know that things are rocky for your Ds at school!

I think you need to ask the school to consider specifically why detentions aren't working, and suggest that they contact the ASD advisory service to come and see him and suggest strategies. Emphasise that (a) punishing him for something that is the effect of his disability is discrimination and (b) if they keep punishing him and escalating the punishment and it still doesn't work, it suggests that whatever they are doing is not meeting his special educational needs and they need more advice to ensure that they do.

Great advice Dip!

Yes indeed, thank you dip.

Bumping this. Only because there have been more problems and Head of Year has asked for meeting tomorrow.