Tough times at school lunch/break times

[boodles]

My son, just 11, has been getting difficult situations. As he is getting older he is finding it hard to control his temper, this is also combined with other children knowing that if they goad him enough he will snap. He is really trying hard though and he does know that he shouldn't do it. He is in the process of being diagnosed with, they think, ADHD. It is a long process though and, in the only time he has seen the consultant, she seemed to want to push medication. I really feel that he doesn't need it, he just needs help coping with his

he is very bright with no developmental delays. We have been fortunate with good teachers who seem to understand him. I have also found out this week that from last week he has started seeing one of the TAs at one lunch time a week who is doing some anger management with him.

Today he was getting himself into a temper as he was playing with a group of boys in his year and he felt they weren't playing fairly (something he is passionate about) and so he was trying to manage his feelings as he said he could feel himself getting annoyed, so he walked away from the game. Unfortunately he inadvertently walked across another year groups game, they then circled him and said nasty things which culminated in him punching one of the boys.

Anyway I only know this as the parent of the boy came and told me, she was also telling me that this has happened before. However as she is telling me this her son is saying to her that it was my son this time but it wasnt the others so she then turned around and told him to go away. My son is now becoming the scape goat as he was the one to be physical. I know that the mum is unhappy about the physical thing but I feel annoyed that she is now trying to say that it has happened before when he child is stood there saying that it hasn't! I am going to go into school after school tomorrow and speak with the teacher. As I really do not want my son to get in trouble as some parents are making things up!

I just don't know how to help my boy now. He is a really loving child. Very very emotional, for example he gets really upset at sad films or programs (he cried his way through Home and inside out) but he finds controlling his temper hard and other children have now picked up on this and so I can see it being a vicious cycle.

I am wondering if I should take some time off of work and, for a while, take him home for lunch times. Just to give him some space for a while. Anyone tried this?

Thank you for your help Polter. I am feeling a bit lost at the moment. I am looking into those books you recommended now. The lunch time think I was thinking as something to do a couple of days a week, just for a short while to give him a little space at the times he feels most stressed.

Hi boodles

Are there any 'safe' places he could go at lunchtimes at school (eg computer clubs?) or does the school have a learning support team that have a room he could access?

I realise without an official diagnosis they might tell you it's not available - but it should be needs-based, not diagnosis-based.

If other parents are getting involved the school really should be stepping up to support your son.
I totally sympathise as we have very similar issues (DS is nearly 7), I did take him home for lunch for a while - I won't lie it did help giving him 'head space' during the day - but as Polter says I wouldn't recommend it as it stopped the school putting the right support in place (so as soon as my son started staying for lunch again the same pro elms occurred).

He never learns from his 'mistakes' either - it all needs a to be modelled / shown to him. Social stories about how to react in certain situations might help?

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want the school to do for him - in writing - what you feel he needs in order for him to cope.

(My son now doesn't go out for the full dinner time as it's just too long and he always gets into fights - he can just about cope with the length of a normal playtime. We've had plenty of other parents complain about him / 'have a word' with him in the playground. He now goes and reads in he library / plays with Lego for the first half an hour. None of this may be suitable for an 11 year old - but there might be something that is they can offer.)

There's some good suggestions on this post too: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/2477744-Feeling-frustrated-about-preventable-behavior-at-school

(Oh just noticed you'd already posted on that thread! Ah I'm blaming my tired eyes!)

Say that you are worried he is not managing the space/free time/peers very well. Ask them what they can put in place to support him. I don't think you need to take time off work to help. It's up to the school to manage him. Boys can be quite cruel at that age and love to wind others up and watch them lose their blob. It's fun for them - it can be quite a sport. The thing is that as soon as he starts hitting, it muddies things and makes it harder for the teacher to punish the winder uppers. As a teacher it is hard to phone a parent to explain that their child was winding up another boy and got a black eye for his efforts, but that despite the black eye he also has a detention. Some parents would go bananas that their child had been attacked and that there was no way that he should be in any trouble. Therefore there are only 2 options. 1 - the school does some work on prevention (giving your son techniques; a safe area; an older mentor to look out for him; instructions on exactly where to go if he feels stressed; working with the kids winding him up before they have another go; assemblies or pshe sessions on being more accepting of others and doing the right thing) and your son has it explained to him that if he gets upset and walks away then staff can always follow it up and work to deal with the real offenders. When he hits out he gives these kids what they want - the sport of winding him up as well as the support of their parents that they have been "attacked" and him getting into trouble. He has to try to break that cycle and ensure they take part of the blame.
I hope that makes sense. As they grow up, they start to accept their peers' idiosyncrasies.

Don't worry about the mum aportioning blame or not - she is bound to see it differently. Your focus is your boy so try not to be upset about her.

Thank you for all of your replies. I saw the teacher tonight and she was great. There are clubs every lunch time, things like lego club etc, which they run for children who cannot cope with lunch times. She is going to clear it with them that he can use it as a drop in for when he is feeling it a bit too much, so he can get time out. I have told her the full story about the incident yesterday and she told me that he lashed out as he was being 'swarmed' by a group of children and so the other children are being talked to too.

I have ordered the cbt book from Amazon on anger and also the one on anxiety as he was being very open with me yesterday on how he was feeling very panicky lately.

Thank you for your help, it is very much appreciated.