Feeling frustrated about preventable behavior at school

[EnglishRose1320]

Just had a phone call from school to inform me my son will be having an after school detention for punching another child, totally agree with him having a consequence but feel frustrated that the school haven't been listening to my concerns about how he isn't coping with break and lunch time, feel this could have been avoided if they had actually listened. I'll try to keep this short but not too much drip feeding, he is 10 on the waiting list for an autism assessment and struggles to walk away from situations, it just feels like the school only takes action after incidences rather than putting preventatives in place. How do I get them to put support in place before he becomes the problem child, he is very bright and 90% of the time a lovely boy but if this behaviour carries on that is all people are going to see. Sorry for the rant, hope it sort of makes sense. Any advice greatfully received.

[EnglishRose1320]

Sorry to add but does anyone have an experience of what a primary school after school detention is like?

[TeenAndTween]

I would ask (in writing) for a meeting with HT and/or SENCO and ask what support they are going to put in for your son.

e.g.
Dear HT,

Following the recent incident on XXX when my son did YYY I would like to meet with you and Mrs YYY the SENCO to discuss further support for my son.

As you are well aware there have been a number of incidents over the past year at playtime, and I have asked the school to provide support to him to manage these unstructured times better. however I am not yet aware of any support being put in place apart from

You will be aware he is currently awaiting an autism assessment so it is clear this is not just bad behaviour.

I will call the office tomorrow afternoon to arrange an appointment.

Regards

To my mind writing the above shows that you are serious, and also provides a paper trail to refer back to HT / governors if needed.

• At DD's primary they have a 'lunch club' for children who find playtimes unmanageable.
• Also ELSA sessions may help on ways for him to recognise frustrations building up before he explodes. Or role playing too.
• A 'safe place' to go in the playground, e.g. near where a supervisor stands might also help

When you have had the meeting, send an email / letter confirming your understanding as to what has been agreed.

[EnglishRose1320]

Thank you teenandtween, a nice clam thought out letter, something that I'm was struggling to come up with. I shall send one today and see what response i get, thanks

[EnglishRose1320]

Calm not clam!

[Tillytoes14]

I think the detention is given, so the behaviour doesn't get repeated again, although I'm not sure how that's connected to the behaviour, maybe they will spend that time talking to him about the situation. My son bit a child when he was 7 at school, he's never been physical to others, it was completely out of the blue, he's never done anything like that since. It's good to push the school nurse for a referral, if you have concerns. If the physical behaviour keeps happening, then I would seek for more advice.

[EnglishRose1320]

Thanks for the replies, just had a meeting in school which I approached with the professional style of bursting into tears, I hate it when I do that, doesn't happen often but makes me feel like a total muppet. They don't seem to understand that the playground supervision isn't anywhere near adequate, it was just a meeting with his teachers so I think I am still going to have to write to the head and ask for a meeting, trouble is I am surviving on just a few hours sleep and after 10 years I have lost all energy and calm and I don't think they take me seriously, just see a fussing mum.

[EnglishRose1320]

Having had a chat with my son last night I am also annoyed with the fact that the other child didn't receive a consequence at all, yes my son hit him and obviously need some kind of consequence for that but my son doesn't just walk up to kids and hit them, the other child had got into a disagreement with my son and shoved and pushed him several time before my son hit him. So in my mind my son needs a more severe consequence for hitting the other child shouldnt just be treated like a victim which is what is currently happening. Childishly his mother is also ignoring me in the playground but that's a whole other issue!

[EnglishRose1320]

Polter did you just email the administration, I think that is the only email address I have for the school

[lljkk]

I'm just quietly jealous & that your son got all the way until age 10 before something like this happened.

[EnglishRose1320]

I shall give that a go then polter, thanks. Yes it is so frustrating isn't it, the other child has been gloating about the fact that he isn't in trouble and my son has received the first ever after school detention the school has given out. Lljkk I wish it was the first time, just seems to be the first time the school has actually noticed, possibly because there are only about 2/3 dinner ladies in a massive playground. Certainly my son has been hit/kicked etc and nothing has happened. Ijust hope they actually collect him from class and take him to the detention because he has informed me he Ijust going to leave school, seeing as that's what he said for both sports and then did so I hope they have cottoned on to the fact that he really will just walk out.

[EnglishRose1320]

Sports days*

[mummytime]

You have my sympathy. Primary school was hopeless for my DD. they blamed her and at times I was called into school once a week.

In secondary she is suddenly an exemplary pupil and won a prize. (Admittedly some parents still blanked me at prize giving, others are lovely though.)

Do keep a paper trail, and a diary of events.

[EnglishRose1320]

Thanks mummytime, sorry to hear you had to go through it as well. Yes that's exactly It Polter because he has no speech issues and is above average in most subjects he seems to fall under the radar, loves the routine of lessons just not so great at the break times.

[OneInEight]

It seems to be very difficult for schools to understand that you can have an academically able child who is inept at social interaction. My ds's knew the theory of how to behave but that is so different from being able to put into practice.

The school need to understand that the strategy they are using is likely to be confusing for your ds.

Is it the rule that it's OK to hit as long as your not seen.
Is it the rule that it's OK to hit as long as you get in first.
Is it the rule that it's OK to hit as long as it's not too hard (actually my ds's find light touch far more difficult than a thump).

The injustice that they would be punished and not the other child would cause major issues with my ds's.

If your ds is a child who needs routine to reduce anxiety (as so many children do with HFA) then detentions which disrupt routine is not a great idea as it can escalate things - school need to know this.

The school need to be teaching your ds more appropriate ways to deal with social situations when things are not going his way. We had some success with "walking away", however, then encountered problems if they walked away to somewhere inappropriate (ds1 on occasion scaled a 6 foot school fence and absconded which was not quite what we and school had in mind!!!). The school need to agree a safe-place with your ds in the playground and school building and THEN role-play with your ds how to access it when he is feeling stressed. A lot of schools provide social skills groups at lunchtime etc which can be helpful if supervision is good.

The other thing to bear in mind was that for my ds's often the playground situation was the final straw after they had bottled up things that had gone wrong in the classroom. Making sure support is right there too can also ease the playground situation. Does the class teacher know how to recognise the signs that your ds is stressed - is there an alternative to going out in the playground when he is stressed?

[EnglishRose1320]

Oneineight they really don't seem to get it half the time do they. I have just had to leave him in the entrance hall at school, lying down refusing to go into classcwith both his class teacher and the deputy head trying to persuade him in. I am so tired, need to submit loads of job applications today but just want to sleep!

[EnglishRose1320]

Thank you Mr Brown, I hope he does too, when he refused to go into to school today and was lying on the floor the head teacher just walked past without acknowledging either my ds or myself, I doubt she even knows who we are. I am so glad it is the weekend, don't think I could have done another morning like that. Really dreading having to get him to school on Monday when he knows he will be staying for this after school detention.

[EnglishRose1320]

Sorry to hear you have had a bad day Mrbrown, he could be reverting to an early stage due to starting school, I hope he settle soon. It's really worth getting the Sen teacher involved ASAP and also finding out about the teaching assistants in the class, sometimes they can be more switched on to additional needs than the class teacher.

[Anotherusername1]

It seems to be very difficult for schools to understand that you can have an academically able child who is inept at social interaction

Totally agree.

[EnglishRose1320]

Well he went to the detention, he said I can't see how that was meant to help me stay calm and not get cross, I just sat there had a little doze and listen to the headteachers phone call, he then went on to tell me all about something the governors had done wrong. I found him wandering the corridors on his own when I went to collect no headteacher in site. So not only was the actual situation dealt with badly but so was the consequence.