How to help ds come to terms with ASD/PDA?

[LeChien]

Ds got a dx of HFA/PDA just over a month ago.
He is very angry, and feels it makes him different. He often said he felt different before, couldn't understand why others didn't feel the same as him etc.
We've explained to him that having a diagnosis hasn't changed anything, he is still the same person, it's private so if he doesn't want to tell anyone that's fine, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've bought a book about PDA aimed at children, I've bookmarked the newsround ASD clip but he's not interested, won't look at them.
We're getting to our wit's end and struggling to cope, he's violent, needing to be restrained regularly to prevent him hurting himself and others, trying to get through that violence is never acceptable.
We use the 5 point scale, try to stick to a predictable routine and use lists so he knows what's happening and roughly when, we try to spot triggers and either avoid them if possible or talk them through and work out a plan if it's going to be too much. Usually these things have worked well, but at the moment he's off the scale. I think he's really pissed off that he's got autism and not sure how to help him.

Yes, I've noticed he is really struggling with transitions at the moment, even finishing tea and doing something else is difficult for him.

My mother invited us round today, there'll be some of his cousins there, and I've turned it down, so I'm in the bad books again! Cue sad voice on the phone making me feel guilty.
We can go out, but he doesn't need to mask for strangers so doesn't have the violent meltdown after that, like he would with an afternoon with cousins.

Thank you for continued advice and support.
I'd rather naïvely thought that at this stage I'd know how to deal with it all and be a pro :o
How wrong can you be!

Yes dos wears socks and has a sleeping bag too if he wants it!

Maybe you need to start with the "no" as a whole sentence to your mother.

Then when you have time, explain as best you can (if you can).

Can you and DS organise an absolutely strict timetable? It might help.

I would also try to experiment with other anger release methods, and relaxation methods? Would he like being wrapped up tight in a rug?
From my DD - I wouldn't talk about emotions and how she feels necessarily as that lead to meltdowns.

I'm better now at saying no and ignoring guilt trips.
I always think that's others understand, then realise that they don't at all.

We've started to write a list of what we're going to do during the day, I've tried a strict timetable but it was causing more problems because we'd have unexpected vet trips, or another child was ill so things were cancelled.
We write a list of things we're planning on doing, things I have to do, and things he would like to do, then tick them or cross them off as necessary.
I have no idea how to relax him. He doesn't like any contact, hates being wrapped up tight. He will distract himself on his xbox but still feels angry.
Actually, today he relaxed by going into a cold, muddy river in all his clothes, perhaps I need a cold mud bath in the garden? I think that's the next thing I need to focus on, trying to help him relax!

This has some ideas washington post.
Or this .
There are lots more ideas on the internet like this pininterest board. Try them cheaply and if it doesn't help, move on.

But I would try to keep disruptions to a minimum while he's still so stressed - ask others for help, just one parent go to do a chore. You may have to gradually introduce the idea of plan B.

If he liked the mud - how about baths? Or playing with cornflour slime you can colour it with food colouring.

Thank you.
The Washington post article is very good. Will try to sort out our calendar tomorrow.
Weirdly he hates baths. A bucket of dirty, cold water might do the trick though :o
Corn flour slime would probably be a hit too.