Parenting classes & autism?!

[highlandspringerdog]

Ok.
This is just a shameless rant. But I need to get it out -

This is a plea to "experts" working with families dealing with autism to face up to some basics:

1. Autism is not caused by parenting style. The same kid will have autism whether raised by a hippy, a sergeant major, or a wolf.

1. We are judged morning noon and night by people in shops, on trains, by other parents, sometimes even our own families - we expect better from you. You're meant to actually know about autism.

1. Don't suggest parenting classes. Just don't.

1. Don't punish our children. It suggests you're an ignorant wankstain.

1. We are doing our best. We are operating at a level of strategising and forward planning that top military commanders can only dream of.

1. Our children are not all the same. We are the experts about our own individual children, we know what works and what doesn't - believe me, we've tried everything. Trust us when we say that won't work. It is us & our lovely kids who will pick up the pieces and rebuild from the ruins if you insist on your way and you are wrong. Think, always think very carefully - it is a child's life you are playing with.

Over and out.

Zzzzz, we're hoping that a diagnosis will mean that certain things can be put into place at school to make ds's life easier there, and in turn mean that we're not constantly firefighting at home.
At the moment when I ask for a timetable to be up in the classroom so ds knows exactly what's going on, his teacher looks at me like I'm mad. When I point out that for ds, acting in a school play goes beyond stage fright and causes endless meltdowns, I get pitying looks and told that ds is capable of doing a bigger part. Things like that which hopefully an acknowledgment of his problems will mean that we have a leg to stand on and they will start to listen.
I know how little help there is out there, but I also know from other parents in this area that a diagnosis brings options.

We are using DLA now to help us go private, and help out with regular OT, but the system as it is seems hellbent on making parents constantly question and doubt themselves, and that shouldn't be happening.

starlight yes. A wonderful, bright, spirited lone wolf who will go far with the right support .

The parenting class suggestion was very 'box ticky'. so I haven't followed it up.

Don't. You don't need to go
I didn't
:)
I have two neurological typical children who are fine at school etc why do I need to parent them properly? They haven't a clue these professionals who suggest it
We had to go through a lengthy complaint procedure to get appropriate desire. I realise this is different as its assessment based outcome. It just angers me and its nothing too with anything other than procedure.
I don't know what they thought would happen in our case! A miracle at Easter?

Desire should read respite, oops. My third child in scenario is severely disabled, it was all my fault again a decade later!

I think different la s respond in their manner tbh. I didn't have it in two previous counties

O god I so relate to the 'if you don't agree with our (woefully inadequate) suggestions, you are obstructive / not coping / generally rubbish' - it's appalling!
It is also a constant theme with CAMHS that I am split up from Dd's father. Not a conversation goes by without that being brought in as a Factor - We split, amicably, 11 years ago. Dd is now 12. It's not the worlds biggest issue! But no, actually it is. I'm on the verge of asking if our split caused her autism! Major issues re school atm, anxiety etc, rang CAMHS for advice (why why why??? Will I never learn? Note to self: ring speaking clock in future, will give more relevant advice) and bloody psychologist said DD very worried about having split up parents and I must not underestimate how hard this is for children.
Help me god.

Zzzz and starlight I love your posts. They've made my day and I haven't even got up yet!

I too am happy with my parenting, I know what I am doing. I make mistakes of course, but I know my lovely DD well and I know how to get her out the door and keep her happy and help her enjoy life. My greatest struggle is getting others - CAMHS and certain teachers to school - to understand also.
I am getting us discharged from CAMHS as soon as poss - useless shower of judgmentalists. School made us engage with CAMHS a they thought this would help Dd. I knew it wouldn't, but knew is be called obstructive / unreasonable / bad parent if I objected - how could anyone object to expert professional help with their child? How lucky we are to have these interfering fuckers, sorry, kind and sensitive geniuses, to help us with our terribly parented children?

I know what is wrong with my parenting, and it can't be fixed with a course, unless it is a short half-hour course explaining to me very clearly at the beginning of our journey, that chasing provision was fruitless and leads to getting tied up in knots jumping through hoops that others get paid (in your child's name) for creating, under the implied promise of something great but unquantified that never comes.

I think expecting quality provision for your child with SEN is probably worse than joining a cult. You're expected to have 'faith' in something bigger than you, for your own good, and follow it's rules, and its unwritten rules unquestioningly and take regular beatings agreeing they are deserved. If you're lucky you get asked to participate in higher duties such as PCFs or become an Independent supporter or school TA, where you make a pact, where you perpetuate and strengthen the cult.

highland They're banging on about an amicable split-up when your dd was a baby?

Whaaaaat?

There are LOADS of cultures where mother and father don't live together for various reasons. I thought their basic training covered the 'there are all types of family' lessons.

There is no hope.

'Note to self: ring speaking clock in future, will give more relevant advice'

Made me ROFL. Relevant AND accurate.

I might use that in future if I may?

Agree. Totally like a cult. Totally pointless to believe any of it will actually benefit. There have been fantastic nuggets along the way - like being told by a TA that if I made the packed lunches the night before it'd make it easier to get DD to school in the morn, and being told if I just "firmed up the boundaries" DD would stop having a meltdown it the tube doors opened on the side she wasn't expecting.
There is a new CAMHS fucker sniffing around us now. She's met DD once and then to tell me DD has depression. I said I didn't think she did because she was very active most of the time, happy in herself but just stressed at points of transition, surprise and school. She asked if she should send me a leaflet about 'coming to terms with your child's depression'

Am I actually part of a reality TV show? Is someone broadcasting my catastrophic encounters with these wankstains on telly for the entertainment of others? Am I in an experiment?? what does it all meeeeaaaannn????
I've had such a lovely day with DD today. She's been trampolining for the last four hours and is now having a nap. Tis is after two weeks off school - she's so much more relaxed. If only I didn't have to earn a living I would defo look into home schooling.

Ask if you can send her a leaflet. I can think of a number of themes:

How to not patronise.
How to come to terms with the fact that you are actually a pretty ineffectual professional.
How to tell the difference between evidence and opinion.
How to provide according to the needs of the service user, rather than provider.
How to come to terms with the fact that your clients know sheloads more about their difficulties than you do.
How not to waste your client's time.
Meeting-less practice.

Haven't read the trail of messages but this is a known method of LA's/Schools for delaying getting support. Firstly they try and apportion blame on the parents. It also often delays a diagnosis as many parents stop and think - well perhaps it is something I'm doing wrong. I did 3 parenting courses before the penny dropped. Even when my son was finally diagnosed ASD and latterly excluded from mainstream the LA tried to send him to a BESD school and cited that I had done the parenting courses so it must be behavioural in some respect!!

What's a BESD school?

Also the battles we have to face for our children - something is very wrong here. On paper schools seem to accept difference, and accept the need for adjustments for kids with autism, but then in reality so many of our kids are excluded, punished, sidelined, bullied and unable to access education - all because of their autism, which they can't help. It is disgusting when you think about it.

Behavioural, Emotional and social difficulties.

It's bollox because no child develops those all by themselves. It is usually caused by unmet needs, and therefore the best provision would be that which er, met their needs.

As a parent of an adult with severe autism, I acknowledge that there is no cure for autism and it is NOT due to bad parenting. However, with the benefit of hindsight and a much increased knowledge of autism than I had when my son was small, I can absolutely assure you that solid good old fashioned parenting skills will provide a better outcome in the long term for any child with autism. This is because your increased parenting boundaries will make the world easier for your child to manage, with clear rules on behaviour, consistency and yes, discipline. Discipline comes from the word diciple which means 'to teach'. Finally, I am not saying its easy because it most definitely is not, but what I can say is that what you teach your child in the early years will last a lifetime. :-) xx

It's part of diagnosis route here. Asd/adhd referrals get sent on basic parenting course and referred to barnardoes for up to 12 wks of 1:1. I didn't not mind tbh.

It was styled towards nt kids but my barnardos lady was lovely, helped me with visuals, routines etc. She also sat and held my hand while i sobbed for good 30mins.

Now we have diagnosis I'm being offered more specialist classes.

oh zombie thread

Hi All,

I am mother of 4 yr old boy who is on the Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Looking for ABA consultant in and around Berkshire,U.K .

Any recommendations for the same will be helpful.

Thanks in advance
Neelima